Suicide attempt - now what?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My sister in law with diagnosed BPD attempted suicide last week.

I found out yesterday and am feeling shell shocked.

The relationship between myself, my husband and her is extremely fractured. We don't attend the same family dinners any more. For most of this year we've been told to stay away from her (advice from her psychologist because she becomes too stressed out when she sees us).

We spoke with her parents today to see what we can do. Her mum said that the fractured relationship she has with me and my husband is a major contributor to how my SIL is feeling. How do I not feel guilty or responsible for what has happened?

Over the years we have tried time and again to have a healthy relationship with her, but it seems impossible. She constantly looks for reasons to rubbish us and validate her feelings of resentment and jealousy towards us.

I just don't know where to go from here.

While I have some compassion for her situation and have tried to understand BPD as best I can, I have no desire to have a relationship of any kind with her. There has been so much hurt in the past. But if it's making her feel so low that she wants to take her own life, what do I do? Being a part of her life and trying to have positive interactions with her doesn't seem to help anyway.

So lost right now... .

[fightorflight]

My sister in law with diagnosed BPD attempted suicide last week.

I found out yesterday and am feeling shell shocked.

The relationship between myself, my husband and her is extremely fractured. We don't attend the same family dinners any more. For most of this year we've been told to stay away from her (advice from her psychologist because she becomes too stressed out when she sees us).

We spoke with her parents today to see what we can do. Her mum said that the fractured relationship she has with me and my husband is a major contributor to how my SIL is feeling. How do I not feel guilty or responsible for what has happened?

Over the years we have tried time and again to have a healthy relationship with her, but it seems impossible. She constantly looks for reasons to rubbish us and validate her feelings of resentment and jealousy towards us.

I just don't know where to go from here.

While I have some compassion for her situation and have tried to understand BPD as best I can, I have no desire to have a relationship of any kind with her. There has been so much hurt in the past. But if it's making her feel so low that she wants to take her own life, what do I do? Being a part of her life and trying to have positive interactions with her doesn't seem to help anyway.

So lost right now... .

[Kwamina]

Hi fightorflight,

That is horrible news to hear about your sister in law. Do you know how she's doing now?

It's a very sad aspect of BPD that some people with this disorder struggle with suicidal ideation and in some cases make actual suicide attempts. Do you know if this is the first time she has made a suicide attempt?

We spoke with her parents today to see what we can do. Her mum said that the fractured relationship she has with me and my husband is a major contributor to how my SIL is feeling. How do I not feel guilty or responsible for what has happened?

I can imagine that her mum is also really struggling with all of this. At the same time, I also want to say that you most definitely aren't responsible for the feelings and actions of your SIL. Her feelings and actions stem from a disordered mind and you are not the cause of her disorder.

While I have some compassion for her situation and have tried to understand BPD as best I can, I have no desire to have a relationship of any kind with her. There has been so much hurt in the past. But if it's making her feel so low that she wants to take her own life, what do I do? Being a part of her life and trying to have positive interactions with her doesn't seem to help anyway.

As hard as it may be, especially since other people are guilt-tripping you, I think protecting yourself and your own well-being is most important here. You can't save your SIL or make her feel better, if she doesn't want to change herself. Although she is disordered, she is still an adult and as an adult responsible for her own actions.

I hope you are feeling somewhat better today

[Sarah girl]

I'm so sorry that your family is going through this crisis. I can relate to your feelings of helplessness. About a year ago, my cousin committed suicide. I hadn't had any contact with him for years and just got the shocking news one day. We all loved him dearly. We found out that he had attempted suicide before and was struggling with severe depression and social anxiety. As part of my grieving process, I remember thinking how I could have had some kind of impact in his life so that he would still be with us today. I felt guilty that we had no contact for years. But the truth is, he was an adult and was surrounded by people who not only knew what was going on but were trying desperately to help him. In the end, he made his decision and it was motivated by his own internal issues - not by any external factor. I'm saying this because I want to make it clear that nobody else was responsible for his decision. It's easy to point fingers and lay blame when something like this happens. As much as your MIL feels that your relationship was a factor in her attempt, you have no ownership in this. The bottom line is, you have no control over what your SIL might do, just like you have no control over how she feels about you and your SO. Assuming any kind of responsibility here and taking action would IMHO, be absolutely futile. You can't rescue her and it's not your job. And I second Kwamina that now more than ever, you need to practice self-compassion and self-protection. Take care