Frequency of communications during a break-up?

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Ok, so I officially broke up with my BF and left the house (see how I did it in my other thread)

My bf started to be unbelieving and begged me to come back for the first 2 days. Now, he seems to slowly realize our realationship is over but is still nice and warm.

I am not comfortable with the no contact thing as he deserves explanation (but not justification) and as he is in shock, it is normal he wants to understand

I try to respond with the BIFF method and try to focus on the logistic aspect of the break-up: he needs to find a place to leave quickly, remove all his stuff from my home and we need also to decide who keeps what From the items we bought together.

If communication helps moving forward (discussion material and logistic matters) I am ok with that. Giving some explanation (not justification) about how I left the way I did, ok.

but that.s it. Chit chatting for non important matters, no

How to draw the line?

[Isa_lala]

Ok, so I officially broke up with my BF and left the house (see how I did it in my other thread)

My bf started to be unbelieving and begged me to come back for the first 2 days. Now, he seems to slowly realize our realationship is over but is still nice and warm.

I am not comfortable with the no contact thing as he deserves explanation (but not justification) and as he is in shock, it is normal he wants to understand

I try to respond with the BIFF method and try to focus on the logistic aspect of the break-up: he needs to find a place to leave quickly, remove all his stuff from my home and we need also to decide who keeps what From the items we bought together.

If communication helps moving forward (discussion material and logistic matters) I am ok with that. Giving some explanation (not justification) about how I left the way I did, ok.

but that.s it. Chit chatting for non important matters, no

How to draw the line?

[Suzn]

It sounds like you are handling communications in a compassionate way. Kuddos to you. I wouldn't respond to the chit chatting either as this sends a clear message. It's ok to take the time you need for yourself detach emotionally. If you see that you're both struggling with this you could initiate some controlled contact. This is agreeing to short chats, expressing you have something to do very soon but you can speak for 10 or 20 minutes. You pick the time frame. When that time's up letting him know you need to go but you can talk again on Tuesday at say 5. You pick the day and time. Then stretching out the time between these calls further and further. During these phone calls you want to be very boring, nothing exciting going on in your life.

Leaving is a very personal choice and learning where that line is for you on communication will become clearer in time. Listen to your gut feelings.

[Isa_lala]

In fact, communication is by email. I am not ready yet to speak over the phone.

So I try to not respond to every email (some have only one sentence in it)

Last night, I answered to one and said that I won't be reading my email for the rest of the day and I did. So , this morning, I saw that he had written me, but at least, I have done what I said I would do.

[C.Stein]

Don't dangle any carrots.

[Isa_lala]

Don't dangle any carrots.

I am not quite sure of what you mean. Am I ok if I say that we need to take sometimes without any contact for the 2 of us to detach emotionally as Suzn said? I can tell him that at least I need time NC and say what day I will be able to speak to him (phone, email or text message)

I feel bad a little bit for him (again, I put his needs ahead of mine... .) but it may be the only way for him to fully comprehend that I will never be in his life anymore.

your comments?

[sweetheart]

I think you are doing really well.

Holding on to your compassion for what is happening between you is something that I believe can help you both heal. It is sad for you both that this has happened, this is part of your leaving and detaching journey.

Isa_lala, keep doing what feels right for you whilst ensuring that your contact continues to be clear, concise and keeps you physically and emotionally safe.

[Isa_lala]

Thank you sweetheart

I speak to a T this morning and will see that with her.

In fact, I will try to do what suits ME the best. I think that I will have to force my self for a while to put my needs ahead if others in general. Just to be able to find a balance afterward.

[C.Stein]

Don't dangle any carrots.

I am not quite sure of what you mean. Am I ok if I say that we need to take sometimes without any contact for the 2 of us to detach emotionally as Suzn said? I can tell him that at least I need time NC and say what day I will be able to speak to him (phone, email or text message)

I feel bad a little bit for him (again, I put his needs ahead of mine... .) but it may be the only way for him to fully comprehend that I will never be in his life anymore.

your comments?

What I mean by the carrot is be careful how you word things, be it verbal or written.  I noticed in your first email there were things you said that he could have latched onto for hope.  If you are truly done with the relationship, hope is the last thing you want to give him.  Hope is the carrot and he is the horse.  

[Isa_lala]

Ok, I understand

so far, each time he tried to verify how strong my decision is, I replied in a way that is very clear: I am not changing my decision despite all the suffering for everybody. This RS is over for me, and that's 300% sure and I told him in a Brief, Informative, Friendly but Firm way.

thank you to have clarified.

[Isa_lala]

The T I spoke to yesterday, said that the frequency of communication depends on what I want. Do I want to maintain contact? Do I need to have a break?

I know that receiving emails from him makes me feel anxious or upset. So I will take a break, not reading his emails so not responding ... .

At least for a few days. i want to communicate with him only to discuss the dispatch of our things and to know when he is leaving.

I will try to go with what I do want/need for myself

[Suzn]

It's good to spend some time to identify our needs and what we want as we often times put those on a back burner while in the relationship. It's very normal for couples to take some time apart soon after a breakup to regain their emotional footing.

i want to communicate with him only to discuss the dispatch of our things and to know when he is leaving.

He is in your home right now is that correct? How long have you planned to stay in the apartment before returning home?

[Isa_lala]

It's good to spend some time to identify our needs and what we want as we often times put those on a back burner while in the relationship. It's very normal for couples to take some time apart soon after a breakup to regain their emotional footing.

i want to communicate with him only to discuss the dispatch of our things and to know when he is leaving.

He is in your home right now is that correct? How long have you planned to stay in the apartment before returning home?

Yes he is in my home where he moved in 3 months ago. I knew that I would not be able to make him leave so I left. I rent a place until March 17. I am not sure he will have moved out by then.

He spent the all week not believing what was happening and begging me to give him another chance

I sent him early this morning a long email explaining again (but for the last time) why I made that decision and that I was not going to change it despite all the sadness and suffering that decision provokes

I am a little fed up of his emails asking me to come back. It is too late. If he had wanted to change what was not working he had had plenty of time (3 years) to do it . Too bad

Sorry I am getting a little bit angry with that... .

[Aura]

I understand you comletely, also my ex  BPD cant get trough the fact that we are not together anymore and keeps texting me. Have you tought about what if he wont move out?