Daughter-In-Law: I'm worried that my son is "disappearing"

[Growing a pair]

Hello! I am just realizing that my daughter-in-law has BPD. I'm very familiar with BPD having grown up with an older sister who has it. I'm also a therapist and have been surprised at how many of my clients struggle with BPD.
I'm worried that my son is "disappearing"... .he seems invisible when they are together. They have a beautiful 8 month old baby. I feel so helpless... .she is verbally and emotionally very aggressive and just wants everyone in the family to drop everything and come running to their house to relieve them when the baby is crying. They won't let us drive the baby, so if they're too overwhelmed to bring her to us, then we HAVE to or SHOULD be ok going to their (filthy) house and hold her while they sleep!
My son is very loyal to her... .which is admirable, however, I think she is holding him hostage emotionally.
My fear is that I will lose my relationship with my son and grand-daughter.

[Turkish]

then we HAVE to or SHOULD be ok going to their (filthy) house and hold her while they sleep!

What do you mean by this? Is she a Hoarder? Is "her" your grandchild?

[Kwamina]

Hi there

After experiencing BPD with your sister, I can imagine it being quite concerning now witnessing BPD traits in your daughter-in-law. How long have you been feeling like your son is "disappearing" and "invisible" when he is with her? Was it like this from the very start of their relationship?

You mention her being verbally and emotionally agressive. That is quite unpleasant behavior to deal with. In what ways is she being abusive and to whom?

You believe your daughter-in-law is holding your son emotionally hostage, why do you think this? Why do you think your son is allowing himself to be treated this way?

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

I am sorry you are in such a painful situation with your son, DIL, and grandchild. You have come to the right place to share your challenges and heartbreak. There are many grandparents on this site who are in similar situations to yours, and others who have family members with BPD. We are here to listen and support you.
One of your biggest challenges may be to figure out how to support your son's family while maintaining healthy boundaries, yet not alienating anybody. What are your emotions like when you are around your son and his family? I am guessing that at times you feel different emotions: sadness, anger, anxiety, and overwhelmed. Do take a look at the many tools on this site on how to deal with family members with BPD, and let us know what you think. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Pilpel]

GAP,

Aside from the filthy house, you could be describing my SIL and brother.  (My SIL is pretty neat and organized, but otherwise acts as if we all exist to serve her needs.)  My brother is self employed, and that means he's home to serve her needs 24-7.  We have a whole bunch of stories that could fill a book of just ridiculous things she has expected from us and said to us.  As an example, she once called me while I was on a day trip with my husband and kids.  My brother was sick and she had to go to the pharmacy to pick up medication. Her kids were small, and a bit high strung.  She had been trying to get a hold of my mom, who was in her 80s and lived almost an hour away, to ask her if she could watch her kids so she didn't have to take them to the pharmacy.     She says things like this as if, of course, she shouldn't have to do anything that is mildly inconvenient.  Of course, my elderly mom who has a hard time managing two hyper active children and is a nervous driver, should drop everything so that SIL doesn't have to deal with any difficult, yet completely normal, situations with her children.  These things are annoying to deal with, but they are also so ridiculous that they become inside jokes. 

My brother has also "disappeared" since getting married.  He was the type that didn't say much anyway.  But when they got married, when we see both of them he hardly says anything to the family.  He's either doing what she wants or taking a nap. When he visits without her, we all ask him questions and try to talk to him as if we haven't seen him in a long time. But for the most part, we are careful about probing him about SIL, because he has repeated things back to SIL and that has only created more drama. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome back!  Congrats on the grand-baby!

I looked at your previous posts from 2015 and it seems like a lot of changes have taken place since then.  I am sorry one of those things involves coping with a DIL with BPD.  We have several other posters here that are dealing with a similar situation, though from what you wrote you already know you are not alone in this struggle. 

I am glad you posted.  What can we do to help you?  Zachira mentioned tools we have on the site.  You may be familiar with them but in case you are not take a look at this link:  Communicate - Listen and Be Heard

I hope something there is helpful.  Ask questions if you have any.

Take care.

[Growing a pair]

To Turkish:

No, she is not a hoarder, but doesn't wash dishes, there are dirty dishes all over the house , some with food still on them, she doesn't clean the bathroom, etc. and there IS a lot of clutter, but that doesn't bother me.
and yes, she wants us to clean the house and hold the baby (8 months old) while she and my son take a nap. She won't let us drive the baby to our house to watch her... .just a lot of controlling and expectations on her part.

[Growing a pair]

Pilpel... .thanks for replying, it's so comforting to hear a similar story... .now that I see what's going on with her I feel like I can find a way to navigate the relationship with better boundaries. She has accused me of being judgmental because when she says they're not sleeping and they're at the end of their rope I have given some suggestions. My own kids know that if they don't like my suggestions I don't get offended, I'm just throwing out ideas... .brainstorming!  However, my DIL doesn't know me that well, and of course, the BPD amps up her sensitivity to anything that isn't in COMPLETE agreement with her!

[Learning2Thrive]

She has accused me of being judgmental because when she says they're not sleeping and they're at the end of their rope I have given some suggestions.

Been there. Done that. Have the t-shirt, sweatshirt and bandanna. 

Have you looked at our TOOLS  resources? Link the green bar at the top of the page.  I particularly find validation tools so helpful (even with non-disordered folks).

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Please keep us posted, GAP.

  L2T