Ex is now engaged but keeps blocking and unblocking me

[Thecargiant]

Hi guys and girls, on the other side of my last thread, I have found out yesterday that my ex girlfriend that I have only been apart from for 5 months is now engaged to a 20 year old and she is 30, she keeps blocking and unblocking me, if she is so happy with her “new fiancé”  why would she do this I have been doing so well but now I feel like after this news I have been set back a step, can someone give insight into this and why she would get engaged to a kid and why she keeps unblocking me and blocking me and not letting me live my life?

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[Thecargiant]

Hi guys and girls, on the other side of my last thread, I have found out yesterday that my ex girlfriend that I have only been apart from for 5 months is now engaged to a 20 year old and she is 30, she keeps blocking and unblocking me, if she is so happy with her “new fiancé”  why would she do this I have been doing so well but now I feel like after this news I have been set back a step, can someone give insight into this and why she would get engaged to a kid and why she keeps unblocking me and blocking me and not letting me live my life? Please help I am struggling I have just come out of suicidal thoughts and major depression

[No-One]

she keeps blocking and unblocking me, if she is so happy with her “new fiancé”  why would she do this I have been doing so well but now I feel like after this news I have been set back a step

The only person you can control is you.  If you keep checking her social media accounts to see block/unblock actions, you are the root cause of your distress.  Even if she were playing a game to distress you, why join the game? That would be the worse case scenario.  Otherwise, she is fooling with settings, making mistakes and then correcting them.   If you keep ruminating about her and her social media, you will remain depressed and anxious.

I read in your prior posts that she has called the police on you. That should be  an indicator that she could file a stocking charge against you, if you make contact in any way.  You have to let go.  Some people get addicted to the drama of a volatile relationship.  Could that be the case with you?

It's common for emotionally unhealthy people to jump into relationships quickly and marry quickly.  A younger partner can be more vulnerable and more easily manipulated.  Besides, it's very common for males to enter relationships with someone 10+ younger than them.  How is it that different with a older woman and younger man? 

[Thecargiant]

Thanks for the reply, I was notified by my best friend as it was something I had put to the back of my mind, I have had to keep her WhatsApp chats on my phone because of the police so I have that there incase she has been in contact again, but I just can’t seem to get away from this, I have to have the messages there because of evidence, it just makes me feel so worthless even though I know i am not, and agreed with what you say for the age but she was talking to him as he was available and he was the first girlfriend he has had

[Thecargiant]

I still miss her that is my problem I had an engagement ring for her, and a very bad time I surpose this is what hurts the most

[No-One]

Thanks for the reply, I was notified by my best friend as it was something I had put to the back of my mind, I have had to keep her WhatsApp chats on my phone because of the police so I have that there incase she has been in contact again, but I just can’t seem to get away from this, I have to have the messages there because of evidence, it just makes me feel so worthless even though I know i am not,

You could inform your friend to not notify you about new social media activity your ex is involved in.  There is a process to export What'sApp conversations.  You can Google it and find some tutorials.  If you need the history of conversations, they would probably be safer as electronic files elsewhere.

I still miss her that is my problem I had an engagement ring for her, and a very bad time I suppose this is what hurts the most

  I'm sorry you are going through this.  It has to hurt a lot.  It's similar to a grieving process.  You, also, had the loss of your business.  It's like the daily double of grieving.

The good times, with a PWBPD, can be exciting.  The bad times, a real downer. Some people get addicted to the roller coaster ride, but many eventually grow weary. 

Wouldn't it be nice to have a partner who appreciates and supports you?  One who stays with you during the bad times?  One that would make a good and stable mother, should you want children?

Hopefully you are getting some counseling.  It's important to manage your depression and take care of yourself.  Things can get better.  Focus on your health and doing healthy things, like exercising.  Perhaps, engage in a hobby or something you enjoy.

[Thecargiant]

Thank you for the reply, it’s comforting I have been doing very well, and your advice is what I have done especially in asking my friends not to tell me,

I have one question though just why is she doing it does she have feelings or is she just showing off

[No-One]

I have one question though just why is she doing it does she have feelings or is she just showing off

She's mentally unstable.  It can be hard for mentally healthy people to make sense of her behaviors. (they defy logic for us)  She may be playing a bit of a game, to feed her ego, by trying to validate that she may still have you on a string. It could relate to a "fear of abandonment"  i.e. "I hate you, Don't Leave Me" attitude.

Some people with BPD could qualify for a bipolar diagnosis (or perhaps both BPD and bipolar).  It can get complicated and subjective.  For some, perhaps the mood cycling (or cycling periods of emotional dysregulation), could relate to that.

One way to look at things is that you dodged a bullet.  It might not seem that way now, but perhaps you can reflect upon it down the road.  You may even end up feeling sorry for her current victim.  Either he continues to be a doormat, or he will have a rough road ahead of him. As he matures, he may wake up one day and reality will hit him and he will escape the relationship

In healthy relationships, the intense Honeymoon Phase, has a shelf life.  The relationship has it's ups and down, but not crazy manic episodes, like in a BPD relationship.  It's said that when a romantic partner has some problems and successfully/jointly works through them, that they end up in a stronger relationship.  We aren't talking about the problems with manic/intense BPD issues, but just everyday differences.

For a healthy relationship, you need a partner who is capable of discussing differences and working through them.  The manic ride might be exciting, for a period of time, but it's not sustainable for most people (at least for a happy life).  The sex might be periodically great, but at some point, it can't outweigh the bad times and emotional torment for you. Add a few children to the mix and things could get very complicated.

At some point, you might want to click around the board for those who have parents with BPD, and then the boards where parents are dealing with children with BPD.  If you want children, it's something to think about.  There tends to be a genetic factor with mental illnesses.  You could have a normal child with her, but the child is negatively impacted by her behavior or you could have a child with mental illness, who is also impacted by the behaviors of a mentally ill mother.  Currently, her new partner may have to deal with these huge challenges, not you.

[Thecargiant]

I understand this, would you say that a charm is in the process or is what she is doing classed as a charm? I have been unblocked again it looks like over the weekend, it just makes me feel as she should have better things to do if she is so happy than keep unblocking me on everything, it is hard and I am getting lots of help from this site but it just sets me a step back sometimes seeing in what I see as a show

[Thecargiant]

The thing is if she doesn’t want abandonment why play these silly games

[No-One]

I understand this, would you say that a charm is in the process or is what she is doing classed as a charm? I have been unblocked again it looks like over the weekend, it just makes me feel as she should have better things to do if she is so happy than keep unblocking me on everything, it is hard and I am getting lots of help from this site but it just sets me a step back sometimes seeing in what I see as a show

The thing is if she doesn’t want abandonment why play these silly games

I know a lot of people think they will feel better if they figure out the "why" behind certain BPD behaviors.   I wonder if the "why" really helps, since you can't change the other person (just yourself and how you react and interact).

By you're constant checking whether you are blocked/unblocked, you have chosen to play the game. You might ask yourself if you are ruminating about the block/unblock situation.  You have developed a bad habit.  The best way to change a bad habit is to replace it with a new habit.

You have to remember that her logic is not normal. A mentally healthy person would have better things to do with their time, rather than block/unblock.  She could have some OCD tendencies.  Hard to say why each person with a BPD diagnosis (or some strong traits) does what they do.

The one thing to acknowledge is that a BPD diagnosis isn't like all PWBPD caught the same strain of the flu.  There are various issues with brain chemistry and/or wiring that enter the mix, that are individual.

Then, there are environmental factors and what someone's "normal" may have been, with possibly being raised by a dysfunctional family.  One of the worst situations is to have parents with untreated mental illness (BPD traits), who then have children with mental illness.  A mentally ill child who experiences abuse from a parent (s) whose mental illness is untreated, makes for double trouble for them.  They tend to repeat bad behaviors they learned from their parents and their individual mental health issues compound that.
   
So, one person with BPD may have depression and anxiety.  Another might have ADHD and anxiety.  The next one may be bipolar.  Someone else might have OCD & anxiety.  And the combo mix can go on and on.   Everyone with a BPD diagnosis has their custom brew of the disorder.  Within the BPD trait categories, there are variations.  There is no generic handbook.

Remember that she proceeded with steps to tag you with stalking.  If she want's to contact you, she will.  What can you do to break your habit of checking your "block status" on social media?  You could set a goal to reduce the frequency of your checking.  Perhaps start by limiting it to once a week, then once a month, etc. 

[Thecargiant]

Thanks for the help, I do understand this but it’s just annoying it’s like playing games with a 4 year old,

I have been blocked again but only on Facebook and nothing else it’s like she wants a reaction but I have been posting happy statuses and happy photos and living my life, and I have given up on checking all of the time and got my head back into things at work which is really helping me, I just don’t understand the games which has been a thorn in my side trying to move on and heal

[No-One]

Thanks for the help, I do understand this but it’s just annoying it’s like playing games with a 4 year old,

I have been blocked again but only on Facebook and nothing else it’s like she wants a reaction but I have been posting happy statuses and happy photos and living my life, and I have given up on checking all of the time and got my head back into things at work which is really helping me, I just don’t understand the games which has been a thorn in my side trying to move on and heal

Thecargiant:
Good to hear that you are doing better!  Getting your head back into work is a good thing.  The less you look at her social media, the better you will be.  Keep reducing the time spent doing that.

When you think you miss her, remind yourself you don't want someone who acts like a 4-year old.  You deserve better than that! 

[Thecargiant]

This site has helped me understand a hell of a lot of things, it’s hard to see people with these sorts of illness it really is, I had a notification I was unblocked again today  but I have risen above it and confiding in my friends and taking up another hobby! I just can’t stand the games, I believe in if you want to talk just talk

[No-One]

I had a notification I was unblocked again today  but I have risen above it and confiding in my friends and taking up another hobby! I just can’t stand the games, I believe in if you want to talk just talk

Good job!   

[Xeonrebel]

Im gonna give my 2 cents here (i know this post is old, i just got a warning about that). the mind games do exist and as far as im concerned it has to do with the fact that we are known to this person (my exgf or your exgf) and they know are weakness, perhaps she knew that you were obssesive as i am. after leaving me for what she called the new love of her life, she blocked me like in a stepwise manner, when i unblocked her from facebook to try to reach her (i broke my no contact) she didnt want to block me again until i told her to do so. i was unblocked on twitter (which she clame didnt use in a while), but the moment she saw that she was blocked and probably stalk me from another account and saw that i was dating another woman, guess what? she blocked my account! (like a double block between us), but do you want to know the joke? i reached her with another account with my full name 2 weeks before, post some messages in a few of her pictures and she didnt block me nor she blocked me after blocking my first twitter account which only has my nickname and it was an account that i didnt use to reach her. now, about the why's... well, honestly, i dont know, maybe they want you to commit no contact suicide (we are dealing with bpd but perhaps she has some npd as well, so i suggest to read about no contact suicide of HG tudor), maybe their new RS isnt as great as it looks, who knows!. at first i tried to search for answers as well, but you know what? at the end it doesnt matter. i gave up looking for answers, theres no true contact, only games, and im not gonna waste my time playing them. if it was a push pull manouver, then, i just push her farther, since i erased the account with my full name and left the one that she blocked. at the end we deserve true communication and if they are uncapable of giving it, well, then, the best thing to do is to be with someone that truly communicates, not behind wall and cryptic messages.
so, to resume the whole thing, yes, they play mind games, why? dont know, dont care, dont waste your time on that, go full no contact. like other members said, if she wants to communicate, she will, if she doesnt, then, gameover for her after you stop paying attention to her mind games.