When the BP rage turns violent :(

[Sage Refeal]

Went camping this weekend, family weekend
The first 2 days of the long weekend went OK, a few minor slips nothing terrible. The last evening when side ways at about  3pm in the afternoon. It started with the water tank in the camper trailer running out during my wife's shower while i was out with the kids, grabbing some supplies. She called me in a fit, I tried sympathizing and when i got back, she seemed controlled but brooding, about 2 hours later or so i had filled the water tank up after i got back and the shower incident. When we ran out of water again, she was on me about lying that i didn't fill the tank, I tried very hard to just say that i had looked and it looked full. She then went into this "fact" mode, according to her, her memory of last years camping trip is perfect and that water tank lasted days ! This was written in stone and was undeniable. Unfortunately, i was not in it and my emotions got the better of me. i made some mistakes with comments which resulted in her loosing it and she proceeded to hit me on the head , and my back as i curled up to protect my face and body. I feel very violated, she immediately become apologetic and sorry saying she didn't know what came over her. The comment that through her over was when she threatened to go home that evening leaving me with the kids, she also said that they didn't want her anyway, i regrettably said "they don't want you because you keep leaving"

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[RestlessWanderer]

Sage, I can relate to this situation. Through therapy and mindfulness training I’ve learned to identify when my body is responding physiologically to the things my uBPDw says to me. I can then focus on that and bite my tongue and calm myself down. It’s not 100% of the time, as sometimes the situation and/or accusations fly in the face of where my deliberate actions were. In other words, I may be very conscious of what I have done in a certain situation, paying very close mind to my actions to avoid triggering my SO. But she gets triggered anyway and I get upset because I worked hard at avoiding the situation. However, if I can work hard at noticing my heart rate or breathing increasing, feeling my face flush, or recognizing the pit in my stomach, then pay attention to what I feel in my body, I have been much more successful at avoiding escalating a BP episode.
By the way, my brother and I refer to the BP episodes (disregulation) as beeping.
I wish you well.

[Rev]

Went camping this weekend, family weekend
The first 2 days of the long weekend went OK, a few minor slips nothing terrible. The last evening when side ways at about  3pm in the afternoon. It started with the water tank in the camper trailer running out during my wife's shower while i was out with the kids, grabbing some supplies. She called me in a fit, I tried sympathizing and when i got back, she seemed controlled but brooding, about 2 hours later or so i had filled the water tank up after i got back and the shower incident. When we ran out of water again, she was on me about lying that i didn't fill the tank, I tried very hard to just say that i had looked and it looked full. She then went into this "fact" mode, according to her, her memory of last years camping trip is perfect and that water tank lasted days ! This was written in stone and was undeniable. Unfortunately, i was not in it and my emotions got the better of me. i made some mistakes with comments which resulted in her loosing it and she proceeded to hit me on the head , and my back as i curled up to protect my face and body. I feel very violated, she immediately become apologetic and sorry saying she didn't know what came over her. The comment that through her over was when she threatened to go home that evening leaving me with the kids, she also said that they didn't want her anyway, i regrettably said "they don't want you because you keep leaving"

My friend...

Wow I am so, so sorry. Violence is never excusable. NEVER.

Tell me, how old are your children?  And is there a question in there or are you just hoping to have an ear to hear you?  Either way, you've come to the absolute right place.  Plenty of wisdom and compassion here.  Ask anything and somebody is bound to come back with sound counsel.

In the meantime, hang in there.

Stay safe. 

Reach out.

Rev

[Sage Refeal]

  Well thank you all for the support, this is not easy.  One of the things i find the hardest to deal with is how easily i feel cornered.  I don't know how to respond when she can just recite all these "facts", heck i forget what i had for breakfast yesterday never mind something said a week ago, even 10 minutes ago. The other thing i have a hard time with is how she goes on and on and on, often repeating herself, usually getting louder and more aggressive, along with a personal attacks and blaming. I don't feel like the doctors here in Canada, Alberta even know whats going on, they gave her one type of med a pregabalin anti-anxiety med, but no anti physcs ?  Also i have some reservations about how much help her physiologist is, it feels like she is enabling and feeding my wife, by being to soft and just telling her shes in the right and her emotions and reactions are ok.  Feeling very confused and lost. 

[Cat Familiar]

That sounds very frightening, as if she was out of control. Has this happened previously?

I’m going to move your post to the Bettering Board where you can learn strategies to help defuse these volatile situations.

Best, Cat

[once removed]

I don't know how to respond when she can just recite all these "facts", heck i forget what i had for breakfast yesterday never mind something said a week ago, even 10 minutes ago. The other thing i have a hard time with is how she goes on and on and on, often repeating herself, usually getting louder and more aggressive, along with a personal attacks and blaming.

most of us dont. as i read another member here once say, we arent born with the instincts to handle BPD.

the short answer is really two fold.

the first part is recognizing your partners limitations. you love a difficult person, one prone to disproportionate anger, and flying off at the handle over seemingly mild things. you have your limits, too. you can learn to be a better judge of when things are past the point of return than she is.

the second part is learning how to deescalate conflict (especially when things are past the point of return, and when thats the case, deescalating conflict is hardest). how to do that will largely depend on your relationship, uniquely. the tools will help, but it will require some trial and error and personal touch. it will require some learning and unlearning.

i think that most of us draw a line when things get physical. at the same time, using words intended to hurt isnt constructive, may even be unsafe. and i dont say that to kick you while youre down. i used more than my share of words intended to hurt.

ideally, you can learn to head these things off before either of you are pushed to your limits, and at worst, or even at best, incidents like this become a lot fewer and further between. its hard, but not at all impossible. its unlikely that the relationship will get to a point where you arent tested, even at your best.

how long have the two of you been together? is this the first time violence has occurred?

[Sage Refeal]

most of us dont. as i read another member here once say, we arent born with the instincts to handle BPD.

the short answer is really two fold.

the first part is recognizing your partners limitations. you love a difficult person, one prone to disproportionate anger, and flying off at the handle over seemingly mild things. you have your limits, too. you can learn to be a better judge of when things are past the point of return than she is.

the second part is learning how to deescalate conflict (especially when things are past the point of return, and when thats the case, deescalating conflict is hardest). how to do that will largely depend on your relationship, uniquely. the tools will help, but it will require some trial and error and personal touch. it will require some learning and unlearning.

i think that most of us draw a line when things get physical. at the same time, using words intended to hurt isnt constructive, may even be unsafe. and i dont say that to kick you while youre down. i used more than my share of words intended to hurt.

ideally, you can learn to head these things off before either of you are pushed to your limits, and at worst, or even at best, incidents like this become a lot fewer and further between. its hard, but not at all impossible. its unlikely that the relationship will get to a point where you arent tested, even at your best.

how long have the two of you been together? is this the first time violence has occurred?

We have been together just short of 10 years, the whole BPD seemed to really show its self after having children, i feel due to increased stress and strain. I truelly want to try and real in my emotions when she "rages" so that i can maintain a stable demeanor avoid hurtful words, and hopefully help quickly deescalate the situation. Please suggest good books, videos, etc to look into thanks.

[Goosey]

Ahh the rages. 
  The very last time I got into a car with my bpd wife. 
She was driving. We had a calm pack lunch at a park.
We are separated, child lives with me.
She wanted to go somewhere else. I said sure. 
Driving along. She asked how our daughter was doing in college. I said she was struggling with calculus...Bam! Totally freaked out screaming yelling tore off interstate running red lights maxing out a Lexus smashed me in the head closed fisted screaming smashed plastic water bottle on my head through intersections red lights weaving screaming redlining insane weaving. Maybe 16 miles. I climbed out and she burnt rubber through the local Lowe’s parking lot where we decided to meet.
I just stood there stunned bloodied and promptly tried to call her to make sure SHE was alright! 
Just stunning the power they hold over us.
  Ya. The rages.  Absolutely no one would ever believe it unless they lived it.
  So past that point now. On to the final cruel stages of the divorce and relationship. 
  Always assume they are lying and never ever get in a car with them. No contact is best. Being nice is a waste of energy. They don’t see you.
  So sorry for this post. Im pissed tonight. Should start a new “I’m pissed” post.

[Rev]

We have been together just short of 10 years, the whole BPD seemed to really show its self after having children, i feel due to increased stress and strain. I truelly want to try and real in my emotions when she "rages" so that i can maintain a stable demeanor avoid hurtful words, and hopefully help quickly deescalate the situation. Please suggest good books, videos, etc to look into thanks.

Hi there Sage,

Could you elaborate - what does it mean to be real in your emotions?   

Two books that I found helpful were:

Rethinking Narcissism by Dr. Craig Malkin
Unmasking Narcissism By Mark Ettenshon, Psy. D.

Rev

[Sage Refeal]

Hi there Sage,

Could you elaborate - what does it mean to be real in your emotions?   

Two books that I found helpful were:

Rethinking Narcissism by Dr. Craig Malkin
Unmasking Narcissism By Mark Ettenshon, Psy. D.

Rev

"real in emotions" as in "detach myself from my emotions towards , what is said or being done, to maintain a more controlled state of mind." avoiding escalation potentially and reducing my stress and anxiety over things that don't really involve or effect me. Like sticks and stones break my bones but words will never hurt me. kinda idea. i hope.

[Rev]

"real in emotions" as in "detach myself from my emotions towards , what is said or being done, to maintain a more controlled state of mind." avoiding escalation potentially and reducing my stress and anxiety over things that don't really involve or effect me. Like sticks and stones break my bones but words will never hurt me. kinda idea. i hope.

Got it - would you mind if I tweak that a bit - like add a nuance?

So my own T at a point suggested - and for a time I had good success with this until it was clear that my ex was too far gone and nothing ever lasted (but I digress) - that I make an agreement to simply leave the room when things got too heated until it wasn't anymore.  No responsibility ascribed in this case - just that it was what it was. 

What my T didn't add - that I am now really aware of - was that needing this to cool down was the beginning not the end, because the underlying issues were still there.

Today, maybe I would have taken the time to understand how my emotions and thoughts were cooperating (or not) in the wake of the conflict.

What do I mean about this?  Thoughts and emotions need to work together for us to have proper self awareness upon which our responses are guided. That's the difference between responding vs reacting. 

Thoughts give emotions their context - you might ask yourself, not "if" you should feel something but "why" are you feeling it.  Emotions give thoughts their relevance - as in if I didn't feel anything, then most certainly I wouldn't care about anything.  Your emotions will not tolerate being ignored. If your rational side refuses to hear them, they will fight back - in the form of stress, maladaptive behavior, etc... Clear?

So - in the distance - you might "think your emotions" and "feel your thoughts" until they come into balance. 

The key to this is to trust this process without hoping for a certain outcome. Trust that where you emerge feeling about it all (feelings being a rational harmony of thoughts and emotions) and then, you will know how to respond.

Hang in there.

Rev

[once removed]

"real in emotions" as in "detach myself from my emotions towards , what is said or being done, to maintain a more controlled state of mind." avoiding escalation potentially and reducing my stress and anxiety over things that don't really involve or effect me. Like sticks and stones break my bones but words will never hurt me.

words will hurt you, though. even more from someone you love.

abuse of any kind, will. and that will cause a relationship to deteriorate.

maybe one way to think of of "detaching from your emotions" is keeping centered...doing whats helpful, not making things worse. being able to empathize with, see, and understand another persons point of view, while acknowledging our feelings, and being able to separate the two.

if "detaching from your emotions" means sweeping them under the rug, thats another way to cope, for sure, but not any more constructive.

furthermore, the things she says both involve and affect you. they may be overstated, over the top, exaggerated, and coming from a place of pain, but that doesnt mean that they arent about you, directly, and it also doesnt mean they dont hurt.

to me, there is a difference between "being hurt" (the ability to be hurt means we are vulnerable, and vulnerability (in this context, not opening ourselves up to abuse) is critical in a healthy relationship) and "woundedness", ie being beaten down, self esteem crashing, being a doormat or a battering ram, feeling victimized, etc.

in a bpd relationship, you have to be able to take on the reality of what you will face, while drawing reasonable limits, for you, for her, for the relationship.