Low self-esteem?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

A common thought process I read quite often is that we (the nons) have low self-esteem and are co-dependant. Funny thing is, I don't feel like I have low self-esteem, and I don't ever see myself being happier alone than in a relationship. I don't understand that concept, I think its just some mantra people repeat to themselves so they feel better about being alone.

Anyway, staying with my exBPD as long as I did. Couldn't it just be considered stubborn, committed and deeply in love? Maybe if people in relationships less toxic persevered as long as we have, maybe the concept of family structure wouldn't be a thing of the past? I've been told before that I was "obsessed" with my wife... .I feel like maybe if more people were obsessed with their significant other, maybe the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is nowadays.

I almost feel like if I did have low self-esteem, this relationship might of lasted much longer. But its my pride and self esteem that wouldn't let me tolerate her disrespect. And a deep level of commitment that made me believe her and want to trust her every time she came back... .is that fair to say? Or am I just trying to justify my own stupid decisions?

[blurry]

A common thought process I read quite often is that we (the nons) have low self-esteem and are co-dependant. Funny thing is, I don't feel like I have low self-esteem, and I don't ever see myself being happier alone than in a relationship. I don't understand that concept, I think its just some mantra people repeat to themselves so they feel better about being alone.

Anyway, staying with my exBPD as long as I did. Couldn't it just be considered stubborn, committed and deeply in love? Maybe if people in relationships less toxic persevered as long as we have, maybe the concept of family structure wouldn't be a thing of the past? I've been told before that I was "obsessed" with my wife... .I feel like maybe if more people were obsessed with their significant other, maybe the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is nowadays.

I almost feel like if I did have low self-esteem, this relationship might of lasted much longer. But its my pride and self esteem that wouldn't let me tolerate her disrespect. And a deep level of commitment that made me believe her and want to trust her every time she came back... .is that fair to say? Or am I just trying to justify my own stupid decisions?

[musicfan42]

This is a really interesting question blurry.

You've definitely given me food for thought... .

[starshine]

Hi blurry.  I have wondered the same thing about myself- I thought I was in a good place in my life when I started up with my uexBPDbf.  I had been "single" for 8 years, raising 2 kids and doing my thing.  I worked, volunteered, played with people.  He came along and jumped enthusiastically into my scene.  I, maybe arrogantly, thought "who wouldn't want to?".  He was sweet, loving, smart, handsome, and fun.  There was just no cure for the underlying deep sadness and anger.  Things got weird a few years into it, but there were so many external stresses happening at the same time (personal injury, rehabbing a house together, economic crash, loss of employment) that most of the crazy seemed justified.  I was committed.  I had a 20 year plan- we had wills, medical power of attorney together. In it to win it.  He started with a T at my insistence, and I went to her too.  At some point he stopped going to T and started going to the bar.   

After he torched a line in the sand and imploded our relationship, I didn't chase him.  I paid the lawyer to undo the paperwork.  I didn't want to work things out with a person who could turn on such a dime and treat me so painfully awful in a moment.  All the amazing times and years of loving together could not be repaired- not that he wanted to either.  He just started on an entirely new trajectory.   I have been healing.  I have always known that I didn't do anything wrong- other than stay too long.  But I was committed, man! My dad always said, "The Captain goes down with his ship."- and he was in an awful marriage to a real mean kook for 15 years, before she did something so awful he couldn't take it anymore either. 

[EnigmaSoul]

Great question - one I have been wondering myself.

I have just been discarded from (what I believe to be) my second BPD partner in my life.  So that's two i've attracted in - so i'm clearly doing SOMETHING to encourage my side of the unhealthy relationship bond.

I think i've always wanted my "happily ever after" and "my knight in shining armour to sweep in and rescue me" so I don't have to take responsibility for my own life and happiness.  It's those kind of people I think BPD people target for that very reason... .we are completely wide open to receive the idolisation from them... it's like a drug to us.  It's taken me two incredibly painful, failed BPD relationships now as a Non to see this about myself.

That I have opened myself up wide each and every time to this kind of person in my life. 

[blurry]

 I guess its easy to say it now that I've been through one of these relationships, but through the initial honeymoon phase which lasted the first 4 or 5 months, I have no idea even today, why I should of assumed it was gonna turn into this nightmare.

Not in my wildest imagination did I expect 7 breakups, the last of which came 3 weeks after getting married. By the time I realized what was going on, I simply feel like I was too emotionally involved to quit so easily. I guess my lack of stability going into the relationship made it possible for me to continue with the instability caused by the relationship. But again, to disprove that thought, how many stable people have gone into these relationships and lost everything?

Like everyone told me to get my own life in order before entering this relationship and being vulnerable, yet all 3 of her prior exes are homeowners with stable jobs, and they are the fathers of her children and she did the same thing to those guys. So I really can't blame myself in all this. All I did was love and commit to the woman. Unless I'm just oversimplifying it for my own ego.

[EnigmaSoul]

I guess its easy to say it now that I've been through one of these relationships, but through the initial honeymoon phase which lasted the first 4 or 5 months, I have no idea even today, why I should of assumed it was gonna turn into this nightmare.

Not in my wildest imagination did I expect 7 breakups, the last of which came 3 weeks after getting married. By the time I realized what was going on, I simply feel like I was too emotionally involved to quit so easily. I guess my lack of stability going into the relationship made it possible for me to continue with the instability caused by the relationship. But again, to disprove that thought, how many stable people have gone into these relationships and lost everything?

Like everyone told me to get my own life in order before entering this relationship and being vulnerable, yet all 3 of her prior exes are homeowners with stable jobs, and they are the fathers of her children and she did the same thing to those guys. So I really can't blame myself in all this. All I did was love and commit to the woman. Unless I'm just oversimplifying it for my own ego.

During the honeymoon phase... .did your exBPD pursue you relentlessly and make you feel like you were the most amazing person on the planet?  Did everything happen really quickly and was really intensely romantic and passionate almost straight away?

[blurry]

 Yeah, everything about this relationship is textbook BPD, if there's a such thing as textbook. Everything in the beginning pointed towards it being "fate" and I thought it was meant to be ect. Plus all my relationships have always started the same way, when I like someone I don't hold back and I'm pretty passionate, put a pwBPD into the equation... .moving too quick is definitely a red flag for me now, 5 kids from 3 different guys, red flag, anti depressants/muscle relaxers/alcohol/weed, red flag, history of recycling, red flag, her best friend was/is the biggest slut I ever knew, red flag, too many promises, too soon, red flag.

Honestly, I saw them all but none of them had anything to do with how she treated me, and i wasnt trying to, nor did i want to, or feel the need to be judgemental, and I figure at this age, good luck finding someone who hasn't made some mistakes or someone perfect. She was just so good to me, unless i had prior experience with a pwBPD, I don't see how I wouldn't of fell hard for this woman. She was absolutely everything I ever wanted in the beginning, and everything seemed mutual.

What a mess

[EnigmaSoul]

Yeah, everything about this relationship is textbook BPD, if there's a such thing as textbook. Everything in the beginning pointed towards it being "fate" and I thought it was meant to be ect. Plus all my relationships have always started the same way, when I like someone I don't hold back and I'm pretty passionate, put a pwBPD into the equation... .moving too quick is definitely a red flag for me now, 5 kids from 3 different guys, red flag, anti depressants/muscle relaxers/alcohol/weed, red flag, history of recycling, red flag, her best friend was/is the biggest slut I ever knew, red flag, too many promises, too soon, red flag.

Honestly, I saw them all but none of them had anything to do with how she treated me, and i wasnt trying to, nor did i want to, or feel the need to be judgemental, and I figure at this age, good luck finding someone who hasn't made some mistakes or someone perfect. She was just so good to me, unless i had prior experience with a pwBPD, I don't see how I wouldn't of fell hard for this woman. She was absolutely everything I ever wanted in the beginning, and everything seemed mutual.

What a mess

Same with me.  I'm incredibly passionate too and fall really hard very fast.  I know it's not natural to people like us, however moving forward we are going to have to learn to pay attention to those red flags and to SLOW THE RELATIONSHIP DOWN.  If it is fate then delaying things isn't going to change anything, other than potentially protecting us from a seriously broken heart and damaged self-esteem.

[Aussie0zborn]

Good topic, Blurry. From what I've read here I assumed I was co-dependent but after a lot of work with my T she feels I am the "rescuer" and the "caretaker" type, dismissing any notion of co-dependency.

You said,  "... .it was my pride and self esteem that wouldn't let me tolerate her disrespect". I was the same and yet I was made to feel that I was being unfair, argumentative, irrational and bullying when I objected to her disrespect and power plays. At some point I lost my self esteem because I held back and tolerated way too much. Even worse, I questioned myself wondering if I was the one with the problem so yes, I had a loss of self esteem but no co-dependency.

[happylogist]

I agree completely with  Aussie0zborn and EnigmaSoul, and I do agree that it is not about co-dependency so much as being a passionate and romantic rescuer type.

The problem is very often those definitions (rescuer, caretaker, co-dependent) are used in the same context and much of the self-esteem confusion comes from that. If you look in the internet, some define co-dependency as a desire to be there in order to be needed (which is exactly who I am - I don't need my partner's care as much as I need to give,  if a partner does not need me - I consider that he doesn't love me, I confuse need with love and vise versa). But co-dependent is a confusing term, and rescuer and caretaker are so much better.

I think I have an OK self-esteem, I am an older sibling in the family and was always taking care of others.

The BPD dynamics is is increasingly obvious with passionate types (you may call them also hopeless romantics - just read here  ). 

A good man who misses something extra in his life, wants to be needed, adored, be a knight in the society of cost and benefits, who is willing to give, be with a passionate lover who is just dying for him - is such a nice prey for a BPD woman. Who else can put up with so much infidelity or emotional rage/love roller-coaster?  Whereas in a relationship with a BPD man - it is often a woman who always believed in love from the first sight, in finding her soulmate - is such an easy target for him. He is sensitive, at the beginning very caring and strong, he is passionate and gives so many promises, his vulnerabilities are there - but those are for the couple to overcome together.  So at the end those are perfectionist and idealist rescuers.  If we think so then questioning your own self-worth and blaming yourself is very logical when the relationship starts failing or after it fails. So here comes the self-esteem, not so much before though I think, as afterwards.

I am definitely drawn to people with problems,  a magnet for crazy as my friends call me. I was observing more my reactions to "weirdos" lately. In a train there was a strange guy who started telling my friend and me his love story. While I was genuinely interested and was asking questions, she was giving me non-verbal signs that it is actually too much of him, was annoyed with his persistence to tell us those things.  My friend and I had a very different perception: to me he considered us as people who he could trust, it was something I liked, whereas for her - he was crazy enough to tell all his intimate details to two complete strangers, a boundary-breaker, stealing our time and attention.

I think I find the explanation of the Karpman triangle as a very good basis for understanding the relationship dynamics, without limiting our answers in co-dependency and low self-esteem.

[Ironmanrises]

You may not have low self esteem... .

But the very fact that you stayed in a relationship with someone who has BPD(undiagnosed or not)... .

Means your self esteem was getting eroded constantly in the process... .

Further exposure to that person means further erosion of your self esteem.

[Phoenix.Rising]

moving too quick is definitely a red flag for me now, 5 kids from 3 different guys, red flag, anti depressants/muscle relaxers/alcohol/weed, red flag, history of recycling, red flag, her best friend was/is the biggest slut I ever knew, red flag, too many promises, too soon, red flag.

I don't know if your self-esteem is healthy or not, but, from what I've read over and over, people who are emotionally healthy see red flags and move on.  The flags pose a threat to their being.  So I would think that most people with healthy self-esteem would move on down the line.  Recognizing our shortcomings in these relationships is the first step in actually changing our ourselves and thus our patterns.  Otherwise, it is highly likely we will repeat the same thing over and over again.  Another way to look at these relationships is this:  people seek out those who are on a similar level to themselves emotionally.  Water has often been compared to emotions and water always seeks its own level. 

[mitchell16]

ironmanfalls,

You may not have low self esteem... .

But the very fact that you stayed in a relationship with someone who has BPD(undiagnosed or not)... .

Means your self esteem was getting eroded constantly in the process... .

Further exposure to that person means further erosion of your self esteem

I think you are spot on with this, thank you made alot of sense to me. When I met my EXBPD I think my self esteem was at a all time low. I was recovering from cancer, my wife and I divorced, not becasue of exBPD hadnt even met her. But I was really beating myself for the Divorce I didnt want it and she did. We had grew apart, cancer took a toll on our marriage and our life. It changed our life so radical and she left. I relaized my mistake after the fact but it was to late. In walks BPD, beautiful, smart, educated, sexy, gorgeous body and she was crazy about me. She convinced how good of a catch I was, How she was in love with me almost at an instant, how she never wanted to remarry but since meeting me that had all changed. Fast forward to 5 months later, devauling started, I couldnt do anything right, no wonder me and wife divorced, How could she be with me after all I was a cancer patient and I could still die and where would that leaver her ( her words) I was devasted, It confirmed in my mine because of the cancer I would never have another relationship because who would want to invest in that.  These were all her words. She walked, then cmae back. i went back up on the pedestal. Once again I was great, she just got scared she said and had to push me away becasue my illness scared her death because she couldnt lose someone she loved again. Even though I was in full remission, not a sign one at the time. and thats how the dance went. Prior to cancer and divorce never felt like I had a self esteem problem or a doubt in myself or abilities. Now that I have tangled with a BPD person, I feel myself worth is zero. So thank you for your post, it did shed some light on my thoughts.

[fromheeltoheal]

Our level of self esteem, our esteem (respect and admiration) for our selves, is not constant.  If we buy into and enjoy the buzz of the idealization phase of BPD pathology our self esteem can skyrocket, and then when we prove ourselves to be standard-issue human and not the fantasized ideal the BPD thought we were, we get devalued in a bait and switch.  If we're emotionally committed to the relationship by then and want it to work, we get caught off guard as the BPD systematically attacks that esteem, and if you take it to heart your self esteem plummets.  It can seem malicious on the part of the BPD, but a BPD is absolutely terrified of abandonment and expect it, and making us feel like crap about oursleves is the best way to retain control over the relationship and ensure we don't leave.  The healthier we are the less tolerance we have for that crap, and bail sooner than later, fulfilling the BPD's prophesy.

So realizing self esteem is not constant, what are you doing today to repair and bolster yours?

[Learning_curve74]

You may not have low self esteem... .

But the very fact that you stayed in a relationship with someone who has BPD(undiagnosed or not)... .

Means your self esteem was getting eroded constantly in the process... .

Further exposure to that person means further erosion of your self esteem.

Excellent observation, Ironman! Very insightful and perceptive of you. 

Why should our SELF-esteem be defined by others or be defined through our relationship to others?

[fromheeltoheal]

Why should our SELF-esteem be defined by others or be defined through our relationship to others?

Because we are social animals and no man is an island.  The key is to only let supportive people in, people who help us feel good about ourselves, by enforcing strong boundaries.  BPD's don't qualify.

[Ironmanrises]

Mitchell,

Welcome.

I experienced the same erosion of self esteem in my exposure to my exUBPDgf.

It was constant.

Awful.

I deserve better then that.

I had more self esteem towards the latter part of my NC after she left me first time.

This is why NC is so important.

You are no longer being exposed to that erosion.

[blurry]

Can't we look back on anyones life and find red flags though? Don't people have the right to make mistakes and start over? I really think its a case of going by how they treat us in the beginning, how wonderful it was, and being emotionally involved by the time it all goes down.

I know for me personally, I was a better man in this relationship than I was in any of my prior relationships, from experience, maturity ect. I assmed she was on the same path and I tried not judging her based on her past.

Maybe I'm trying to take all fault out of my hands for being stupid.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Can't we look back on anyones life and find red flags though? Don't people have the right to make mistakes and start over? I really think its a case of going by how they treat us in the beginning, how wonderful it was, and being emotionally involved by the time it all goes down.

I think so, but there were  with my ex in the very beginning that I knew in my gut would probably haunt me later, but I went ahead anyway... most likely because the sex felt so good, along with the intense idealization.

I see now that someone coming on to me that strong in the beginning, even though it feels good, is a  .  Also, the fact the she wanted to sleep with me almost immediately-  .  I don't drink alcohol and the first time we met she said that would be the first weekend she had not had any alcohol in several years.    Her divorce from her husband was not final, but they were separated.    I found out early on her friends in their 40's were drinking and partying like they were in their 20's.    She had a nice home but had filed for bankruptcy recently.    I had not been out of another relationship very long, and I was in a vulnerable place.     I've heard a lot of people share on here that they were in a vulnerable position when their relationship started with their pwBPD.  I agree with another member that our self-esteem fluctuates, but the truth is that mine was quite shaky when our relationship started and I suddenly started feeling like a King, at least for a little while.

I could keep going, but that's enough.  I do think someone with healthy self-esteem would protect themselves, and the other person, by walking away.  Idealization aside, I had enough information, or at least I know I did now, to make a decision to move on, but I didn't.  Once I became attached, however, it was extremely difficult.  I believe these relationships open something in us that relates very closely to what we experienced in our family of origin.  If we can get close to that, we can get close to understanding why we stayed when it became pure hell.  We can also protect ourselves from letting something like that happen again.

Why is it that I am attracted to women who are playing the damsel in distress role?  Why is it that I try to stay with people who reject me?  Why is it that I tolerated verbal abuse?  Why is it that I set myself aside to 'please' her?  Why is it that I want to save someone else when I am having trouble saving myself?  Why did I keep chasing someone who was giving nothing back?  Why did I think I could get something from her she couldn't give?  Why did I nearly lose myself in the process?

Once we realize this whole ordeal was not about the pwBPD, then we can head in the direction of doing something different and having a healthier relationship.  It was and is about US all along!

[blurry]

 Yep Phoenix, same red flags, different twist. Mine was still living with her ex of course, at the beginning. She had him painted black, told me she'd been on the couch for two months at the time we reunited ect, all the normal stuff.

Funny thing thinking back, I wouldn't of thought I could of gotten hurt at the time. Somehow you just get caught up in it, I had come out of a long term relationship technically. Had tried for 6 weeks right before she showed up trying to reconcile with me previous wife, after a 15 month separation. So I kinda felt like I had been single for about a year and a half prior.

Idk, just never saw any of this coming, her behavior, my reactions ect... .totally caught off guard.

[blurry]

Lol, well, I guess its time to stop playing the "babe in the woods" routine. If I don't know what I'm dealing with now, I never will.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Even though there were red flags, I sure as heck didn't see what was coming.  Wow is all I can say...

[findingmyselfagain]

blurry,

I think I can see where you're coming from. It's true we do have a lot of good qualities which would serve us in a healthy relationship. Compassion for mine (the waify type) was my biggest hook. I saw a single mother who had been abused and was looking for a genuine relationship. I often said that she "looked sweet" and that's what attracted me to her. Now I think I was looking to comfort her seemingly just a little melancholy personality. But as I've examined myself more closely, I've found I do indeed have a lot of insecurity, especially with romantic relationships, and sometimes even with friendships. I tend to be "threatened" by intimacy. This is largely due to a physically unhealthy, chaotic mother, and probably a lack of validation from her as I was growing up. So when my exBPD swept me off my feet, I ate it up like candy. The idealization was definitely extreme. I ignored my gut many times just hoping that things would improve as she saw that I really did love her. Our r/s started off with strange arguments and tantrums, but seemed to genuinely improve just before our wedding shower. Looking back, I believe she was hiding her true feelings when I thought things were going well. Really she is just extremely insecure, chaotic, and rarely ever happy for a consistent period of time. It's just the nature of the illness.

Whatever my history might be, I am an adult and have the power to change my future with wiser decisions. One day someone who proves themselves will have an awesome partner in me. I'm kind, compassionate, fun, easy to talk to. I don't like drama... .so I probably wouldn't have put up with the true self of my exBPD for very long. Sometimes I think I was just a little naive because she was my first serious relationship, but then maybe it was meant to be, so I could be wiser sooner rather than later. Moving slowly is one of the best lessons I've learned for building a healthy and safe level of intimacy. It's like our pastor said once, "You don't hear about the healthy marriages because they are boring and wouldn't make good reality TV."

[MammaMia]

I hate to use the old saying, BUT "People can only do to us what we ALLOW them to do." 

Maybe it is a self-esteem issue, maybe it has to do with being compassionate and an enabler ... .maybe it means it is time for US to grow a backbone and STOP the behavior that hurts us.  We have power, we just need the courage to use it. 

If pwBPD cannot abide by the "rules" or "boundaries", then perhaps the r/s is toxic, and once it becomes detrimental to our sense of self, it is time to leave.

They WILL make us sick if we LET them.

[Awakecj]

I hate to use the old saying, BUT "People can only do to us what we ALLOW them to do." 

They WILL make us sick if we LET them.

I'm still at a place where I feel the greatest majority of the damage to our marriage came from my exhwBPD, not me. I don't believe that I "allowed" him to make me sick because I was always working hard on myself and on the relationship but was dealing with someone who was a master at lying and manipulation. It is only within the last two years that I became aware of how MUCH he was lying and cheating for over 30 years, he was that good/bad.

I take responsibility for not recognizing red flags, not recognizing abuse, etc. and that may have come from my family of origin dysfunctional dynamics but it was the lies and him convincing me my thinking was wrong that kept me in the relationship and damaged my self-esteem. As far as I'm concerned, BPD, or at least my ex is some sort of monster, master of abusing others. How can it be said that we "let" them make us sick when we don't think like monsters or abusers.

Sorry, I'm feeling angry today

[Jbt857]

I think myself esteem is dented, but generally ok.

I have huge abandonment issues that came into play, and an absolute belief in the sanctity of marriage. But he took a big, steaming crap over that, so why would I place that on a pedestal?

It hurts like hell, but until recently, I had believed he was as 'in it for the long haul' as me.

People make mistakes, get things wrong, and marriage is forgiveness, by and large. I'm very forgiving, by nature. But when someone is not remotely interested in making it better, or even acknowledging those issues, let alone wanting to rectify them, and started actively seeking to intentionally hurt me to provoke a reaction - that's when my self esteem kicked in and enough was enough. In his mind it will be justification that I didn't love him enough, because I finally found a limit I wouldn't tolerate.

But I know I went further than many. But there has to be something worth saving, and I let it get so far that he was able to ensure there was nothing. In a way, I'm grateful. It makes it easier to walk away.

My self esteem is ok. I know I'm a really tolerant person with a good heart. I know I have issues, but I know what they are, and I know however bad it hurts right now, there was nothing left that was worth saving. He made sure of that, not me.

I think it's wanting revenge and to points score that does the real damage. I don't play that game... l

[fromheeltoheal]

I take responsibility for not recognizing red flags, not recognizing abuse, etc. and that may have come from my family of origin dysfunctional dynamics but it was the lies and him convincing me my thinking was wrong that kept me in the relationship and damaged my self-esteem. As far as I'm concerned, BPD, or at least my ex is some sort of monster, master of abusing others. How can it be said that we "let" them make us sick when we don't think like monsters or abusers.

Sorry, I'm feeling angry today

Yes.  In hindsight I would have needed extremely strong boundaries to stay unaffected by the lies, manipulations and game playing.  Problem was I let my boundaries down completely in the beginning, she made it easy, and little did I know that the pathological attaching behaviors were going on.  Plus she's had a boatload of relationships, since most people have left her, and she's an expert at playing the game, she's been playing her whole life, the concepts of open, honest communication and no game playing are foreign to her.  Bottom line I was an easy mark.

The solution is pretty simple though.  Things that seem too good to be true usually are, and I don't see myself falling for that again.  Caution and lots of spidey sense is required, and I don't think that would be attractive to a BPD, and I'll be extra wary of someone who's pushing too hard.  Live and learn, and we're all better people having done time in hell, as we get our feet back on the ground.

[MammaMia]

Awake

They do not make is sick in the sense of becoming BPD like them.  Instead, they destroy our sense of worth and confidence.  They cause immeasurable anxiety, pain, and anger.  They hurt us physically and emotionally.

They devastate our sense of wellbeing. 

They make us sick.

[Emelie Emelie]

Awake

They do not make is sick in the sense of becoming BPD like them.  Instead, they destroy our sense of worth and confidence.  They cause immeasurable anxiety, pain, and anger.  They hurt us physically and emotionally.

They devastate our sense of wellbeing. 



They make us sick.

Well said Mamma Mia.  I cried over him every day for two months.  It's been almost three now and while I still miss him terribly sometimes, I've also started to get angry with him.  For causing me so much pain.  And the little mind games he's playing with me now. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

The truth as I see it today is that NO ONE has the power to make me anything... sick, happy, sad, mad, and so on.  That power rests with ME.

That type of thinking for me today is playing the victim, and I am no longer a victim. 

Was I hurt?  Damn right.  It felt like my heart was jabbed with a pitchfork and ripped out of my chest.  But it was MY CHOICE to stay in a dysfunctional relationship.  She only did what she knew how to do.  It doesn't make it right.  It is what it is.  She is not the devil and she is not an angel.  Neither am I.

What many of us come to realize is that we were playing out roles we learned early on as children.  Once we see this, we can start to change the pattern, changing US.  Again, this is not about them, it is about me.  This is not always easy to see.  The relief starts to come when we shift the focus from them to ourselves.  I am still learning how to do this.

I'm not giving her anymore power.  I've given her way too much.