Oh the lawyers and the waiting...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I wish I had all the answers for you. A lot about what you describe doesn't seem fair.

The big bummer is - the attorneys may not want to get a reasonable bottom line very quickly. However, you may ending up paying someone, either your lawyer or your ex depending on whether you settle or go to trial. Just try to minimize the damages either way as much as reasonable.

The sooner you can somewhat reasonably settle, (not fairly settle, fairness is out the window), the cheaper it will be on the lawyer side. Avoid pointless back and forth between counsel on details, typos or other minutiae that won't matter. 

It's not about "winning". It's about not losing completely (or hosed over) and getting it in the past.

In the midst of all this, take care of yourself (exercise or other healthy escapes) as if you think on it all the time - it will be hard for you to process good long term decisions. It's hard. Sorry.

[forestfortrees]

I wish I had all the answers for you. A lot about what you describe doesn't seem fair.

The big bummer is - the attorneys may not want to get a reasonable bottom line very quickly. However, you may ending up paying someone, either your lawyer or your ex depending on whether you settle or go to trial. Just try to minimize the damages either way as much as reasonable.

The sooner you can somewhat reasonably settle, (not fairly settle, fairness is out the window), the cheaper it will be on the lawyer side. Avoid pointless back and forth between counsel on details, typos or other minutiae that won't matter. 

It's not about "winning". It's about not losing completely (or hosed over) and getting it in the past.

In the midst of all this, take care of yourself (exercise or other healthy escapes) as if you think on it all the time - it will be hard for you to process good long term decisions. It's hard. Sorry.

[The Teacher]

Thank you all again for your support. I think there may be light at the end of the tunnel... .

I did, in fact, speak with three other attorneys last week while waiting for my lawyer to get back to me. Thank you for that advice. To a one, all of them talked about how reasonable my wife's attorney is. Finally, my attorney reached out to me today to share that my wife plans to move out of my house by the end of the month. My wife bought a condo two months ago, and I got the settlement sheet - she paid cash for it! $150K! 

Turns out it's my wife who has been running the show with all of the unreasonable demands, like telling her attorney to ask for two years of spousal support following a marriage of 3-1/2 years. I shouldn't be surprised by this at all. I guess she never ceases to surprise me (and not the good kind of way). Anyhow, in less than 30 days I will be setting foot in my home after 10 months... .I cannot wait to get out of this studio cave I have been sentenced to.

It also looks really good that thanks to careful record keeping, I have a very good case to deal down much of the equity she is seeking. The spousal support request is also weakened by her not even having a mortgage payment.

And yes, I have read Splitting by Bill Eddy. I read it after I selected my first attorney. By then my wife was pretty much on a path to simply make my life miserable and keep me guessing on things, like how high the electric bill might be each month.

You have all been so helpful. Thank you for listening to me.

The Teacher

[ForeverDad]

When you do return to the house, bring a trusted friend with you as a witness for first entry.  If there is missing furniture or damage, overflowing sinks, whatever, then you will need a witness to confirm you didn't do it and pictures for proof as well.  Then have the locks changed immediately and alarm codes changed.  And never let her have access to the keys and codes again.

[The Teacher]

When you do return to the house, bring a trusted friend with you as a witness for first entry.  If there is missing furniture or damage, overflowing sinks, whatever, then you will need a witness to confirm you didn't do it and pictures for proof as well.  Then have the locks changed immediately and alarm codes changed.  And never let her have access to the keys and codes again.

Thank you. My lawyer says she has a retired firefighter who can do a video walk-through before I enter the home. He documents everything. I'm not yet sure what the fee is for this, but it sounds worthwhile to have an independent person do this. Definitely changing locks and garage door code. Thank you for the advice.

[GaGrl]

Change the alarm code also, in case she does find a way to get in.

[The Teacher]

Change the alarm code also, in case she does find a way to get in.

I have a home security system but had never connected it before. I will look into it. Thank you.

[livednlearned]

I saw many lights at the end of many tunnels  

Not to be a debbie downer, but stay vigilant and keep looking for loopholes she might exploit.

Agreement is not usually followed by compliance, in my experience.

Hopefully your ex has a new life she is eager to live and will forget about fighting for the time being.

[happendtome]

Did you knew she had that money to buy a condo? If you didnt then maybe she has enough to buy even another one? But if thats so then why does she need your support?

[insideout77]

Again this shows why you need a good lawyer , and some serious discovery

[The Teacher]

I saw many lights at the end of many tunnels    Not to be a debbie downer, but stay vigilant and keep looking for loopholes she might exploit. Agreement is not usually followed by compliance, in my experience. Hopefully your ex has a new life she is eager to live and will forget about fighting for the time being.

Thank you. I hope so, too. I know that I can never trust her. I won't let my guard down. I don't discuss my divorce anywhere on the internet outside of here. I am very vigilant. I now email and call my attorney daily, even on weekends. I have been waiting six days now for her to simply send an email to my wife's attorney approving that she may take the list of items she has listed out of the house. It's never ending with this attorney - the nagging I must do. I told her that as a teacher I am expected to respond to an email from a parent within 24 hours (parents are clients).

The Teacher

[The Teacher]

Did you knew she had that money to buy a condo? If you didnt then maybe she has enough to buy even another one? But if thats so then why does she need your support?

Yes, I knew she had an inheritance from her mother and that it is a premarital asset. What I didn't expect was for her to buy a condo in cash - spending about 85% of her inheritance on it, and weakening her argument for the need for spousal support. She simply has a $145 a month maintenance fee and $300 annual HOA, plus taxes and insurance, which are pretty low. One argument for needing support is that I make 4 times more than her, but that is just one factor out of 15 factors. She dumb.

It just irks me that this went down in mid-March and here we two months later and I am still not allowed to enter my home.

It all irks me.

[scraps66]

Demanding spousal support should have been countered immediately by your attorney.  A 3.5 year marriage should not qualify for spousal support! It appears STBx has amassed quite a lot of assets that were not hers before the marriage.

[The Teacher]

Demanding spousal support should have been countered immediately by your attorney.  A 3.5 year marriage should not qualify for spousal support! It appears STBx has amassed quite a lot of assets that were not hers before the marriage.

I believe that it varies state by state. In my state, the baseline is 1 year of spousal support for every three years of marriage, but many other factors are considered besides the length of the marriage. One big one, in my case, has been payment of nine months temporary spousal support during the divorce. Another one is debt - I owe about 300K on three different mortgages. Now that she paid for a condo in cash and has no mortgage payment/debt, she is in a weaker position to argue for the need for financial spousal support. My attorney made these points to her attorney, but my spouse seems to disregard her advice.

In both of our cases, our pre-marital assets are ours to keep and not divide. She did not bring many assets into the marriage, but she came into a lot of money during our brief marriage when her mother passed away and left her an inheritance. That is hers to keep.

It's really too bad for her that she refused my initial offer to simply take half of what I had in the bank (35K) and half of our martial retirement and walk away. Instead, she battled on for nine months now, having one piece of property appraised after another, claiming that they were worth 2-3 times more than they were, and insisting on half of the equity, whether or not her name was on a deed. That has given me time to accumulate the evidence needed to show that 95% of my payments on the equity on these properties (I made all of the payments) came from my premarital accounts. I now have her share of the equity whittled down to 5K, and because I have been paying spousal support for nine months, I've taken that offer off the table too.

Two can play this game.

"STBx"... .I like the sound of that.

The Teacher