Breaking up

[Blondie1961]

Hi
Im on an emotional see saw at the moment. My partner of 3 years is undiagnosed BPD... .but has many of the traits associated with this condition. I love her dearly but her mood swings... anger... depression etc are having a massive effect on us and our relationship. She has recently ended our relationship for the 3rd time this year saying that she is protecting me from the way she is! However she continues to message each day and even though we are not physically seeing very much of each other... neither of us seem to have the strength to let go!. I feel ive given 100% to our relationship and read several books and blogs etc to try to understand her. Nothing makes any difference. Ive pulled away a bit... but she is now telling me she misses me etc and after ignoring me is now trying to get me back. Common sense tells me to leave her... .the heart says something else entirely... .any advice gratefully accepted x

[Mutt]

Hi Blondie1961,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. A r/s with a partner that suffers from BPD can be emotionally distressing and exhausting on the non disordered partner. I'm glad that you decided to reach out for help, many of us here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. That said, how is your support network with family and friends in real life? Are you seeing a T ( therapist? ) A pwBPD frantically avoid abandonment perceived or real and anticipate that everyone in their lives will abandon them, it sounds like she has some awareness and is thinking that she may end up hurting you because of self destructive patters when she says that she is protecting from herself.

The lessons are to the right side of the board, step 1 stop the bleeding, what kind of things have you tried when you say that nothing works, what particularly is not working?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Blondie, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  We get it.  The dynamic you describe, as well as your mixed feelings, are quite common for a BPD r/s, assuming your SO has BPD.  It's an emotional roller coaster, my friend, as you relate.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  What can you do to take better care of your own emotional well-being?  Are you putting the needs of your SO ahead of yourself?  What would you like to see happen?  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[Blondie1961]

Thanks for your responses. Yes i have a very supportive network of friends and family... and they are probably sick of me worrying and talking about my relationship. They feel i should think of myself... and leave for my own sanitys sake and i am trying to... but finding it hard to stay away from her. Ive read books on BPD and how to handle the mood swings etc... tried to adjust the language i use when talking to her but still manage to have arguments despite my best efforts at not arguing! Then the arguments can be totally illogical to the point i dont know what they are about!
If i pull away... .she pulls me back. She doesnt want a relationship but doesnt want me to leave either... .very confusing... .

[Mutt]

I understand. I used to get so frustrated and sick and tired of the arguing. I wish I knew what I know then, but I use the tools now and future r/s. I have kids with her so no communication is impossible but it takes one person for change and it has to come from the emotionally person.

My ex will change reality at whim, alter a situation several times to match with what she feels in that moment. If she's convinced that the sky is red, I can't change her mind, her reality is as real to her as my reality is real to me. We all filter things slightly differently, witnesses at an accident come to mind, one witness may have a slightly different memory than another witness.

The single most effective skill that helps the non disordered partner us to not JADE. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. If my ex believes that the sky is red, so be it. Her reality is hers, she has right to it, just as I have my reality but I don't have fight back with her, I don't give  her ammunition or attention, i see things once and i font reoeat myself, the arguments stop. Here's a link if you're interested in JADE.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[Lucky Jim]

still manage to have arguments despite my best efforts at not arguing! Then the arguments can be totally illogical to the point i dont know what they are about!
If i pull away... .she pulls me back. She doesnt want a relationship but doesnt want me to leave either... .very confusing... .

Hello again, Blondie,  Well, I'm quite familiar with the circular arguments that go nowhere and spent many a late night w/my BPDxW trying to resolve something that was probably irresolvable in the BPD netherworld.  I agree w/Mutt: Don't JADE.  I also think it's important to walk away when you have to; leave the room, leave the house, whatever it takes to end the argument.  Of course I ended up getting locked out several times after I left the house!  Not fun, but now I can laugh about how crazy it was.  The push me/pull you dynamic is also common in a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim