6 months removed

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Things I've experienced for those who can relate, and others who are in some midst of the below:

The positive:

-I have gotten comfortable with being alone

-I have found new things to do that inspire me and make me happy. Simple things like a ride in my jeep along the ocean on a nice day, or a jog in a few of my favorite places.

-I have been consistently working out for 6 months.

-I have grieved for things I had not grieved for, caught up for so long in the chaos of my relationship

-I have learned an infinite amount about myself, realized how much self loathing and feelings of inadequacy that predated my relationship are ultimately why I put up and tolerated so much

-I understand boundaries now, and am "finding myself" It's interesting and nothing seems off limits. I'm reassessing my career, my friendships and my lifestyle. Each decision I make, is now in tune with ME. I'm no longer worried about what someone else will think, judge or feel about my decisions. I'm doing things that are relevant to me.

When I got out of this relationship, I missed her. When I began examining and reviewing everything I hated her. When I began to heal I forgave her. As I look back, I forgive myself. 

The longer you are away from these relationships, commit to healing and growth, the more insane and incomprehensible they seem when you audibly say or think about some of the things you tolerated. But instead of having those things reinforce inadequacy or instigate shame, I now realize the more crazy it all sounds and the more that time passes, those are actually signs of stability and health.  A drug addict doesn't think they have a problem, that is until they are clean. And so to is the way the recovery from these relationships goes. So rather than reinforcing shame, I have realized the nuttier it all sounds to me now, is just a measure of the growth I've made in such a short period of time.

I no longer believe in fate. I believe in self empowerment. We create our future by the decisions we make today. And getting out, healing and moving forward are the key. The foundation of happiness is built on the courage, strength, and growth that are needed to both understand that you ARE WORTH a damn, and that the only person you ever need to prove that to, is yourself. And you do that by having the courage to leave, to feel the pain, and to want for something more. Once you do this, everything else is easy in comparison.

Sure I have my days where I miss her. But I don't miss the old me. Not once. And I realize that losing her was the only way I was ever going to become someone different myself. Because the way she treated me was also, a direct reflection of what I thought of myself. And that alone means who Iam today is no longer compatible with who I was when we were together.

And with that, I let go.

[anxiety5]

Things I've experienced for those who can relate, and others who are in some midst of the below:

The positive:

-I have gotten comfortable with being alone

-I have found new things to do that inspire me and make me happy. Simple things like a ride in my jeep along the ocean on a nice day, or a jog in a few of my favorite places.

-I have been consistently working out for 6 months.

-I have grieved for things I had not grieved for, caught up for so long in the chaos of my relationship

-I have learned an infinite amount about myself, realized how much self loathing and feelings of inadequacy that predated my relationship are ultimately why I put up and tolerated so much

-I understand boundaries now, and am "finding myself" It's interesting and nothing seems off limits. I'm reassessing my career, my friendships and my lifestyle. Each decision I make, is now in tune with ME. I'm no longer worried about what someone else will think, judge or feel about my decisions. I'm doing things that are relevant to me.

When I got out of this relationship, I missed her. When I began examining and reviewing everything I hated her. When I began to heal I forgave her. As I look back, I forgive myself. 

The longer you are away from these relationships, commit to healing and growth, the more insane and incomprehensible they seem when you audibly say or think about some of the things you tolerated. But instead of having those things reinforce inadequacy or instigate shame, I now realize the more crazy it all sounds and the more that time passes, those are actually signs of stability and health.  A drug addict doesn't think they have a problem, that is until they are clean. And so to is the way the recovery from these relationships goes. So rather than reinforcing shame, I have realized the nuttier it all sounds to me now, is just a measure of the growth I've made in such a short period of time.

I no longer believe in fate. I believe in self empowerment. We create our future by the decisions we make today. And getting out, healing and moving forward are the key. The foundation of happiness is built on the courage, strength, and growth that are needed to both understand that you ARE WORTH a damn, and that the only person you ever need to prove that to, is yourself. And you do that by having the courage to leave, to feel the pain, and to want for something more. Once you do this, everything else is easy in comparison.

Sure I have my days where I miss her. But I don't miss the old me. Not once. And I realize that losing her was the only way I was ever going to become someone different myself. Because the way she treated me was also, a direct reflection of what I thought of myself. And that alone means who Iam today is no longer compatible with who I was when we were together.

And with that, I let go.

[hopealways]

I almost cried reading this.

I am 5 months 1 week out, and every word you wrote is how I am feeling.

Thank you. Keep moving forward.

[Welgrow]

Anxiety5,

I want to be as far along as you are. I realize how damaged my sense of self truly is. I recognize a desperate need to change and grow. My "nice guy" identity is one that has costed me over the years. Worrying about what others think and being willing to accept abusive behaviors are signs for my need to grow. I realize that our stories and paths will not be the same but in 5 or 6 months I hope to chart similar growth. I'm about 25 days away from her last break up threat where I finally went along with it and didn't stand firm in trying to make it work. She spent the next 2 weeks or so trying to win or entice me back and it almost worked a number of times. On December 11th I tried one more time to check on her honesty and actions to see if her behaviors were identical to her words. There were still too many discrepancies and I told her I was done. She followed with a dramatic waif show to tug my heartstrings. It nearly worked but with tons of help from family and friends I quit responding on December 12th. I finally got to blocking her number and email and hope to keep it that way. I fear that if I see her in person than I will crumble. So you bring me hope.

[homefree]

having the courage to leave, to feel the pain, and to want for something more

This really hits me.

It's hard for me to understand why I am not with her. Sometimes I just think I left because I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I was at the breaking point and just needed relief.

And then the relief comes back to me and that immediate need to leave goes away.

At that point I confuse myself into returning to the original need that kept me wanting to go back in the first place.

I want to be happy. I want my broken self to feel whole again. I imagine that she can do that for me and I wish I was back there.

I need to have the courage to understand that what I want is to have something real. To heal the brokenness inside me and have something real and meaningful. The fantasy relationship I had with her that I'm longing to go back to was neither. I even felt that at the time, and I realize that even then I was hoping that things would gradually drift into a place where we could start having something truly meaningful. That's what I've been after all along. And I need to have the strength to stick to that goal and to realize I can't have that with her, as much as I want to.

[jasonb]

this was a great reflection. I personally am about five/six weeks out of the relationship and I honestly don't miss her. Any feelings I had for her went out when she wouldn't stop harassing me after I broke it off.she was relentless and use every manipulation she had. Constant calling messaging etc. but this time I stood firm. My favorite response was to just keep repeating it's over, it's over it's over... .She pushed me so far out of field goal range there was no coming back to it. Do I feel lonely sometimes? yes. do I miss her no. I think I just reached the point of "I had it".

I too am in the process of working on my self image, locus of control, and learning to  say the damn word No and not care what people feel.

[DLBBPD]

What an AWESOME story!  I'm sure it will be very inspiring, as it was to me.  I am almost there! Every once in a while I have a "sad" time, but it doesn't last long at all because, like you said: looking back with different eyes, a different heart, and knowledge of one's self-worth. What a difference!  Congratulations on your new beginnings and new adventures in life!

[didionit]

This was so well-written, and, exactly what I hope I'm moving towards, as I struggle with NC and sorting through my own participation in the creation of the unhealthy, damaging dynamic that existed between me and my BPD ex.  The things that he took advantage of, that I need to work to fix within myself.

Thank you for the message from further down the road!