Great article on how to break up -- maybe it will help you as well

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=88601.0

I've been struggling with this for a while now...I've done the "wishy washy" attempts at breaking up--never managed to make it stick. While some things may not apply to your situation, I think overall this article has great advice for how to just do it permanently. I found it helpful and am hoping it helps others on here also.

[WindofChange]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=88601.0

I've been struggling with this for a while now...I've done the "wishy washy" attempts at breaking up--never managed to make it stick. While some things may not apply to your situation, I think overall this article has great advice for how to just do it permanently. I found it helpful and am hoping it helps others on here also.

[Wicker Man]

I hope you are able to do what is right for you.  It is time to show yourself the same care and compassion you had shown him over the years.

None of this is easy, and I am sorry you find yourself in this painful situation.


Wicker Man

[JNChell]

Hi, WoC. Serious and direct question. Do you feel like you are done with him? If your heart is still with him, we have boards that might be helpful for you. Bettering and Conflicted. Maybe it would be helpful for you to read some threads on those boards and even get involved in the conversations. I know that this has been a painful and confusing journey for you. We’re right beside you. Be gentle with yourself and take the necessary steps to get to where you want to be.

[WindofChange]

Thanks, Wicker Man. It is definitely very hard to do. I appreciate the support you and others have given me.
JNChell, I have definitely run the gamut of emotions in the past few months. I've swung back and forth several times. I know now that I idealized the relationship and had hopes for it that were unrealistic. While that doesn't make the feelings any less powerful, it is helpful to realize it and to understand part of what has made the bond so strong.
Now my main issue is guilt and worry for him. He's in a very bad place. He has no money, none. He was on unemployment and also had some other benefits that he was receiving. Now those have all stopped. I paid his phone bill Sunday to get his phone turned back on. His friends have said he can live with them until he gets a job and gets back on his feet. But he says he is unable to muster the strength to pack and move. I've told him we will help him. He keeps saying how very tired he is of everything. He says he's a failure and his daughter would be better off without him. I am afraid that once he gets evicted (if he refuses to move beforehand) that he may kill himself. I feel now is the worst possible time to say goodbye. I feel so sad for him. He's so broken. I don't know what to do to help.

[JNChell]

Sorry that it’s taken me a minute to get back here. I’ve not forgotten about you.  

I know how foreign it can feel to care about ourselves first. You care about him, but is there an expense attached to that? One thing that a lot of us here struggle with is caring for ourselves. Many of us have been conditioned to care for unwell individuals, placing our own well being aside. We were taught to feel guilt if we didn’t put others needs before our own. There are situations where that is necessary, but you know what I mean.

Your ex is an adult. See him that way. He’s been through some crappy things. Many of us here have been as well. See what I’m saying? He has the ability to make choices and changes. Currently, he’s deciding to remain as a child. You can’t fix or change that. Please don’t burden yourself with undue guilt. You didn’t choose that for him. He’s chosen it for himself. You made a different choice. That choice doesn’t line up with his choice.

The guilt that you’re feeling isn’t your burden. The compassion and empathy that you express speaks volumes about you, but you need to shed the guilt. Those feelings are his and they’ve been projected onto you.

[WindofChange]

Hi JNChell. I know you're right. I am starting to see this more clearly now (FOG is lifting somewhat.) We ended things this weekend. I was trying to wait a little longer because his birthday was yesterday. But he sensed me pulling away and called me on it. Actually, I had said I'd go see him for a bit yesterday but I wasn't feeling well. I had gone to church and then asked if he'd just meet me somewhere close by for a little while before I went home. He got upset because what he wanted was for me to go to his place and stay for a few hours (probably wanted to be intimate, too). He said he thought I was making an excuse because I didn't want to see him. I really was feeling sick. He said just go on home. Which I did. But he kept blowing up my phone with texts telling me I knew he had told me he really didn't want to be alone on his birthday so why couldn't I have come over and just rested at his place. Finally he asked me if I wanted to end it. I had to say yes. So of course he was upset. I told him I was sorry but I was tired of being the target or scapegoat every time he was upset about something. And given the obstacles with the fact that my sons don't like him anyway, I didn't see how it could work. So, here I am.
I'm just really tired, and I know I can't keep worrying about him and feeling anxious over him. I still pray for him but (this may be too churchy for some) I feel like the impression I get from God is, you couldn't continue to do this. It was never your job to fix him or take care of him. You have to let this go. It's not good for you.
These are things you and others on here have basically said. He has this overwhelming bottomless pit of need that he expected me to fill. And I just can't. I'm tired. You're right. I have to take care of me. The cost of taking care of him and putting him before my own needs was getting too high.

[JNChell]

Trust yourself. If we can’t do that we have nothing.