Nature or Nurture

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All
I have been aware of NP/BP for about a year now, I am 55 and my wife is 53, we have been married for 32 years. For many years I didn't really notice any problems, but then obviously I was never motivated to discover that my beautiful wife was mentally disabled! But as time went on and with repetition of the same problems occurring again & again thing started to escalate. For many years I have been aware of her mother being a negative influence but now I know that her mother is seriously NP/BP, I mean really the most manipulative, vindictive, nasty woman I have ever met. Her mothers weapon of choice is guilt, she pours it on relentlessly & I have now found out that she completely smothered my wife & her sister from birth, she even picked them up from school at lunch time every day till they were 11 years old, along with constant phrases such as "don't get too close to anyone, you'll only get hurt" repeated over & over again, thus leaving only one influence & one person my wife could trust, her mother!
My question to anyone who might know is, is it possible that my wife could have picked up all the traits of being BP/NP from her mother, without actually being BP/NP herself. Perhaps I am being optimistic but this would mean that with the right therapy & support she could be cured. Any advice would be appreciated.

[dinopetra]

Hi All
I have been aware of NP/BP for about a year now, I am 55 and my wife is 53, we have been married for 32 years. For many years I didn't really notice any problems, but then obviously I was never motivated to discover that my beautiful wife was mentally disabled! But as time went on and with repetition of the same problems occurring again & again thing started to escalate. For many years I have been aware of her mother being a negative influence but now I know that her mother is seriously NP/BP, I mean really the most manipulative, vindictive, nasty woman I have ever met. Her mothers weapon of choice is guilt, she pours it on relentlessly & I have now found out that she completely smothered my wife & her sister from birth, she even picked them up from school at lunch time every day till they were 11 years old, along with constant phrases such as "don't get too close to anyone, you'll only get hurt" repeated over & over again, thus leaving only one influence & one person my wife could trust, her mother!
My question to anyone who might know is, is it possible that my wife could have picked up all the traits of being BP/NP from her mother, without actually being BP/NP herself. Perhaps I am being optimistic but this would mean that with the right therapy & support she could be cured. Any advice would be appreciated.

[pursuingJoy]

dinopetra, hi!  I've often wondered if my husband simply displays traits he learned from his BPD mom, or if he has BPD himself. The reason i suspect that he exhibits learned traits is because when an alternative response is pointed out, he sometimes acknowledges the sense in it and is capable of adjusting. My MIL seems incapable of changed behavior, and she is not able to acknowledge that there is an issue with her behavior.

Whether their behavior is learned or a result of mental illness, it's incredibly difficult to change our SO's. H is so accustomed to his mother's behavior, it is normal to him. No one, me included, will change behavior if they truly see it as normal.

I reached a point where identifying between nature vs nurture didn't matter as much as setting healthy boundaries and changing my own behavior, where possible and helpful. It sounds like repeated issues led to concern about your wife's mental wellness. Where are you at with this now? Have either of you sought treatment, read books, tried counseling?

Glad you're here!

[beatricex]

Hi dinopetra,
you asked "My question to anyone who might know is, is it possible that my wife could have picked up all the traits of being BP/NP from her mother, without actually being BP/NP herself."

absolutely

In any disfunctional family of origin, there is a dance.  We learned it from a very young age and if we can break away from it, we can find other healthier choices.  Your wife needs to want to stop dancing, it is not enough you would like her to stop.

I myself was mailed a book when I was 27, the topic?  You guessed it, Borderline Personality Disorder.  Obviously, someone thought I was displaying those behaviors.  Don't know if it was my BPD'd mom projecting it onto me or what, but I got help (therapy for anxiety/depression), and a lot of the learned behaviours from my FOO disappeared.  btw, I never believed I had it, because the traits didn't really fit me and to be diagnosed, one has to have the traits over a long period of time.  We can all seem borderline, ever felt jealousy?  Those are just normal human reactions, but to the borderline, everything is Amped up.  Their emotional response is always over the top, there is a pattern of overreacting, of (in my Mom's case) plotting against others, and in my step daugther's case, wanting me gone.  She gave my husband the ultimatum that he had to leave me. I never tried to boot someone out of my family.  Mostly, I have wanted us all to just get along.  To fit the diagnostic criteria, it has to impact your life in a major negative way, that is my understanding, anyway.

 

b