What was it that?

[FallBack!Monster]

 
Does anybody care to clear things up for me on this topic?

There is another post here title speaks of those struggling with what if. fortunately I never had that issue. But it made me think of other things. Like, what was it that... .

Not pretending here.  Of course I have not entirely forgotten what happened. I don't remember what I was thinking or feeling then. Is important to point it out because it hasn't been long. Well, not long enough for me to have forgotten. I know its easy for the person with borderline personality disorder to disconnect their (positive or negative) emotions but it isn't for a non; most times. Also I've more details memories of exchange of feelings, emotions, conversations, other supposedly significant moments in other (long or short term ) relationships long after they have ended; and to this day. This last one with the pwBPD+, not  long ago and I remember moments and happening's (good and bad) but I can remember how I really felt. I know I was mad, hurt, in disbelieve at some of my findings but I have disconnected from the  effects of the memories. In terms of how it made me feel. It might sound like denial but it isn't. Best way I can think of it atm, is I see it like this... .

A month ago oh maybe a couple weeks ago (last time she popped up) if she asked me for anything I will probably refuse or feel as if she's trying to manipulate me or play me. So I will probably reject or decline. I'm not saying that I would jump if she asked me for something but I will probably be more willing to do it as I would for anyone else, provided I had the time. I know some of you are saying or she's in denial about her feelings, others might be saying alright she's getting healthier. And some of you may be feeling exactly like me but can't express it a lot better.

I'm no longer in sync with the resentment I had for her. I can talk about me more. My good and bad and look into the future. I do think back as if I had formed some type of special bond with the situation, but I don't see mean her anymore. I look back and see an overwhelmingly stressful situation that consumed my thoughts.

Im not indifferent about it At least not yet. I know what she's made of and I hold her responsible for her own doings... .(I'm not that F'ed up) but no different than anybody else.

At first, if she came over uninvited and unannounced I would ask her to leave because I know the more time she spent with me the more more i would want her around. And that scared me too pieces. So I would ask her to leave. I wanted to spend time with her but I knew what I'd cost me, especially if we ended up in bed. It was hard but it had to be done and now we're both good, I guess.

If anyone wants to put in their 2 cents in this post or define it better, I wouldn't be upset. Lol

[gotbushels]

Hi FallBack!Monster 

An interesting development. I somewhat understand when you describe yourself as not feeling resentful. Perhaps you mean you aren't automatically resentful when you think of a situation with her? Or do you mean the anger is completely absent? I think both are possible.

Im not indifferent about it At least not yet. I know what she's made of and I hold her responsible for her own doings... .(I'm not that F'ed up) but no different than anybody else.

It seems to me like you were expecting to hold her "more responsible" or be someone "more upset" with her than you think you are. This is my understanding of this paragraph. Is that accurate?

Is there anything in particular that you seem uncertain about? I didn't observe much of that regarding "What was it that?" in your post. 

[enlighten me]

I feel the same way. Im not resentful. Doesnt mean I trust her or will forgive her behaviour.

I guess she just isnt important enough to affect me anymore.

[FallBack!Monster]

An interesting development. I somewhat understand when you describe yourself as not feeling resentful. Perhaps you mean you aren't automatically resentful when you think of a situation with her? Or do you mean the anger is completely absent? I think both are possible.

Not sure. That feeling of why? Is no longer there. If I think of her cheating when we were together it might bring back some feelings of resentment but I don't think of it. To me it's like so what if she did she was never mine in actuality. Not exactly like that, but if I look at the big picture that's a fact. 

it seems to me like you were expecting to hold her "more responsible" or be someone "more upset" with her than you think you are. This is my understanding of this paragraph. Is that accurate?

Somewhat. It's bc of how I was looking for what seem like just a few days ago, I guess.

Is there anything in particular that you seem uncertain about? I didn't observe much of that regarding "What was it that?" in your post. 

Guess I awoke with something of a completely different view of the situation and what's questioning this all of a sudden thing. Maybe I did think that wld hold on to the anger longer. But no. I mean,  I'm still dealing with it as I go but I don't hate her. She is who she is and that's that.  I love her and wish me better luck next time.

[FallBack!Monster]

I feel the same way. Im not resentful. Doesnt mean I trust her or will forgive her behaviour... .I guess she just isnt important enough to affect me anymore.

I agree with FBM. No need for hatred. I do forgive her and hope that she's doing better than when she was with me. I fuss a lot about this forum but some of the post pull me.  I a friendly person and will much rather make a friend than an enemy. Holding on to negative feelings for someone someone that I cared for and once made me feel special began to make no sense to me. I fought to hold on to the negative but the feeling of letting all the anger go was stronger than me.
I see her now and I don't hate my ex.  If we had remained friends it would have been nice.  But pwBPD don't keep people they can't use. Besides it was her choice to not be in my life anymore... .its not like I had a choice. ... .if she's happy now there's nothing i can do about it or want to do about it.  if she's not, there's nothing I can do about it either.

[gotbushels]

Not sure. That feeling of why? Is no longer there. If I think of her cheating when we were together it might bring back some feelings of resentment but I don't think of it. To me it's like so what if she did she was never mine in actuality. Not exactly like that, but if I look at the big picture that's a fact.  

I see. I think it's quite a good sign that the "why?" isn't coming up automatically for you. Perhaps at this time your emotions have caught up to your mind? When I found out legitimate reasons why my ex did what she did, I was like, "ah-ha" on a logical level. But emotionally I still felt somewhat indignant. Perhaps this is your version of releasing that indignation. If that's true I think that's a good sign; and well done.   I think this took me at least a handful of months. "But... .but... .when... .if... .sigh" is descriptive of my experience.

What do you mean by she was never yours in actuality? Do you mean possession?

Somewhat. It's bc of how I was looking for what seem like just a few days ago, I guess.

Ok. That makes sense.

Guess I awoke with something of a completely different view of the situation and what's questioning this all of a sudden thing. Maybe I did think that wld hold on to the anger longer. But no. I mean,  I'm still dealing with it as I go but I don't hate her. She is who she is and that's that.  I love her and wish me better luck next time.

I admire the development of your thoughts there. I'm glad that it seems that your logic and emotions are alongside each other--or on the same page--with your progress. Thank you for sharing this FallBack!Monster.  

[myself]

Glad you're finding yourself where you are, and that it feels better to you now. That said, have also seen many times that it's a process and there are levels of acceptance where you're thinking, 'Oh, I have this now, things are fine', and, they are, yet there's still room to grow. So continue to stay aware, inside and out, and keep making choices that are beneficial to yourself, whether this person ever comes around again or not.

[FallBack!Monster]

whether this person ever comes around again or not.

We seem to have a more enjoyable time during the weekend. every weekend. So naturally on weekends my head filled with thoughts of,  but I think I'll be okay.  Oh and I don't think of if  she is or is not ever coming back. I saw the big picture. I felt it. Is no hate.