Hearing what DD is saying to me - it is hard to listen

[Parents! Get help here!]

Letter I wrote to BPDDD27 was returned, along with the drawings gd8 had included in the envelope. I did not address correctly is my guess. Left the name of the jail off the envelope. They sure don't make it easy on family!

I last talked to DD on Friday morning. She must have nutured her anger at me all night after the call on Thursday evening. I did my best to keep my cool - she had nothing good to say about me as her mom, as gd's grandma/guardian, or about me as a human being.

I tried writing to her - it was all about what I wanted from her. I tossed it in trash. I want to give my girl the love I have in my soul for her, not my anger and fear from her actions, my actions, and our terrible reactions.  Then I got a letter from her yesterday. It felt like more of the same when I first read it. I spoke very briefly with dh about it. Then tried to put my mind on other things for the rest of the evening - doing puzzles and games with gd mostly. Dh and I are feeling so very sad about this huge rupture in our connections with DD. It feels like they are too huge to repair.

Told gd we were staying for church today - we usually come home after sunday classes. I am going to a 12-step in our church. It was so good for me today. Then in the worship service, new series is on 1 Peter and the topic is HOPE.

So I came home, gd is out playing, and I wrote a new letter. I first took DD's letter apart sentence by sentence. What is she saying she needs? How does she see my response? What are the themes that each statement has in common? Then there it was. The message from her in the form of: I feelhit__ when you_____ and I need hit_________.

So here is my letter back to her.

DD, I got your letter from Friday. This is what I heard you say:

Mom,

I feel hurt and abandoned.

When you sabatoge my efforts.

When you are moody and self-centered.

When you show no compassion.

When you do not understand how our actions effect me and my situation.

I need help only when I ask for it.

I need a safe place to live.

I need a connection with gd.

I need a connection with other's in my family.

I need compassion and understanding.

DD, did I miss anything?

The statement in your letter that I have not heard before is "you seem to constantly try to hurt me, then help me". It is hard for me to be constant in my own life. So I am not being consistent in my connection to you. I hold no intentions to hurt you.

There is a lot of healing needed between us. I am commintted to find ways to do this. We each have to find healing apart before the damaged connections can be mended.

How do you see this working?

Yes, it is the most important thing to have a safe, stable place to live with basic needs met.

Yes, your daily life is your business.

Dh and I want to help you find a longer term housing solution. What would be your choices, if you could choose anything?

For now, the motel is what is available. Having a roommate would sure help - it is a 2 room suite - with the rent.

DD, when you have lived in our home it gives us too much awareness of your life and we get too involved, too judgemental, too controlling. We need to live in seperate places. It may e a better situation for you to nuture your loving relationship with gd when you have your own home. She does need you and she needs us in her life (dh and I). She needs all of us. There are ways to make this happen. One step at a time - one day at a time. She sent you her drawings - I hope you got them.

I look forward to your reply to this letter. Write me.

mom

Now to let go of my expectations about how or if she responds. Assuming she gets the letter at all.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Letter I wrote to BPDDD27 was returned, along with the drawings gd8 had included in the envelope. I did not address correctly is my guess. Left the name of the jail off the envelope. They sure don't make it easy on family!

I last talked to DD on Friday morning. She must have nutured her anger at me all night after the call on Thursday evening. I did my best to keep my cool - she had nothing good to say about me as her mom, as gd's grandma/guardian, or about me as a human being.

I tried writing to her - it was all about what I wanted from her. I tossed it in trash. I want to give my girl the love I have in my soul for her, not my anger and fear from her actions, my actions, and our terrible reactions.  Then I got a letter from her yesterday. It felt like more of the same when I first read it. I spoke very briefly with dh about it. Then tried to put my mind on other things for the rest of the evening - doing puzzles and games with gd mostly. Dh and I are feeling so very sad about this huge rupture in our connections with DD. It feels like they are too huge to repair.

Told gd we were staying for church today - we usually come home after sunday classes. I am going to a 12-step in our church. It was so good for me today. Then in the worship service, new series is on 1 Peter and the topic is HOPE.

So I came home, gd is out playing, and I wrote a new letter. I first took DD's letter apart sentence by sentence. What is she saying she needs? How does she see my response? What are the themes that each statement has in common? Then there it was. The message from her in the form of: I feelhit__ when you_____ and I need hit_________.

So here is my letter back to her.

DD, I got your letter from Friday. This is what I heard you say:

Mom,

I feel hurt and abandoned.

When you sabatoge my efforts.

When you are moody and self-centered.

When you show no compassion.

When you do not understand how our actions effect me and my situation.

I need help only when I ask for it.

I need a safe place to live.

I need a connection with gd.

I need a connection with other's in my family.

I need compassion and understanding.

DD, did I miss anything?

The statement in your letter that I have not heard before is "you seem to constantly try to hurt me, then help me". It is hard for me to be constant in my own life. So I am not being consistent in my connection to you. I hold no intentions to hurt you.

There is a lot of healing needed between us. I am commintted to find ways to do this. We each have to find healing apart before the damaged connections can be mended.

How do you see this working?

Yes, it is the most important thing to have a safe, stable place to live with basic needs met.

Yes, your daily life is your business.

Dh and I want to help you find a longer term housing solution. What would be your choices, if you could choose anything?

For now, the motel is what is available. Having a roommate would sure help - it is a 2 room suite - with the rent.

DD, when you have lived in our home it gives us too much awareness of your life and we get too involved, too judgemental, too controlling. We need to live in seperate places. It may e a better situation for you to nuture your loving relationship with gd when you have your own home. She does need you and she needs us in her life (dh and I). She needs all of us. There are ways to make this happen. One step at a time - one day at a time. She sent you her drawings - I hope you got them.

I look forward to your reply to this letter. Write me.

mom

Now to let go of my expectations about how or if she responds. Assuming she gets the letter at all.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dibdob59]

Qcr

The honesty, humility and bravery in your letter is deeply touching. You have spoken clearly and openly to your DD.

You cannot predict how she will respond, but you have taken the time to read beyond her words in her letter to you and from doing so have heard her confusion, pain and fear.

It is a compassionate and dignified letter which speaks from your heart. 

Dibdob

[qcarolr]

I think I found my lost heart and a little wisemind. DD called, anger is gone for both of us for now. Making plans. She has possible roommate starting in November for motel. Looking forward to having her dog with her. Will find someone to meet gd's bus on court day so I can take her to motel. Will put stuff in car for her. She is willing to come next day while gd in school, dh on day off, to help organize her stuff for storage and get stuff for motel living. Ahhhhhhhh.

Know there are hard times ahead for each of us. Thanks for all the prayers.

qcr

[six]

wow.

sounds like you got the miracle you were waiting for