New developments

[Parents! Get help here!]

Update on BPDDD29. She and bf started using meth again sometime around DD's bday at the end of May. Behavior gradually disintegrated so police had to be called. Both went to jail for a week, now out on 18 months probation. Criminal protection order in place for both of them on the other. DD is living with us and doing well. Bf is camping homeless and I have had a little contact with him.

Seems that he was getting super controlling with DD. Even to the extent of it becoming like captivity for her. He started slipping up in his nice behavior around me just before the fighting that ended with them in jail. Bad name calling, restricting her access to other friends and her phone, saying to her that she is losing weight and needs to eat more (she needs to lose at least 50 pounds to lower her risks for several major diseases!). DD has been asking lots of questions trying to figure this all out.

DD is putting true effort into staying clean, following through with the mental health treatment plan and other probation requirements. She starts a "Readiness" group tomorrow which has some focus on addiction recovery with mental illness. It is early in this round, and I do not expect perfection -- I ask her to persevere daily with what is on the schedule. She reminds me of this when I start thinking out loud too far into the future (ie. beyond today and tomorrow's needs). She is to stay upstairs during the day, even if she naps on the couch. I try to get all of us out of the house in some way every day.

I have asked her to take a bigger role with gd, and it seems to be working well so far. I am really tired, gd is really defiant with me more than anyone, and she seems to respond to her mom. I also see an acceptance of DD in our neighborhood that has NEVER been there before. Hmmmm. Maybe DD being the one calling loudly for gd at the transistion times during the day -- the neighbors see her being a mom.  Maybe my exhaustion will get a little validation too as DD gets to cope with her daughter's ADHD -- impulsive, distracted, stubborn, disorganized. Transistions are REALLY hard. It feels like we three adults are working more as a team to meet gd's needs better met. We hold each other accountable for the rules - bad language and yelling mostly. Gd is a big part of this accountability effort. The hardest part is for me to step back when DD is dealing with GD.

I have let DD know how much value she adds to our family when she is clean - as in the period from February to May this year. It was clearly using meth that destroyed the connections with us as family. I was able to speak to the judge about this when she was sentencing DD in jail about 2 weeks ago. We need her in the family, she has to be clean, she has to be part of the team with gd. If she relapes again she can return to jail with busted probation, she can return to living on the street, or she can go into residential treatment (there are 2 programs in our metro area that accept her medicaid and are dual-dx programs that work with the courts). When she gets back on track, she can participate in the family again. I pray daily for DD to succeed in being in our home, and the courage to follow through as needed.

I kept saying -- she cannot come back. And we always invited her to come back. I have been changed by some personal growth this year and find my goals of unconditional love supported by strong, consistently enforced boundaries works when I can use it. So my thinking has shifted to relapse and away from failure. This applies to DD's addictions. It applies to my dependencies and manipulative behaviors. I finally am getting how unpleasant my rescuing is for all involved and it just doesn't meet any needs anymore. Perseverance. I get down, have been down before, and have always gotten back up. The same goes for DD - for dh - for gd.

Our family T told me that the only relationship I have any true responsibility for is with gd. Everyone else is an adult and they are responsible for getting their needs met. That is not my responsibility. I can hear her in my head when feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I can ask "How can I step out of this with this adult and hand them back their problems? How can I love them, support them in their problem solving. Hmmmm... .sounds like validation skills to me. Wow - do I really own these now?

The other good news is we got accepted TODAY by the state program for kinship adoption. It is a trial program through the state human services department. It is pro bono services with both parents to voluntarily relinquish their parental rights and then we adopt gd. This will allow us to apply for child benefits under our social security. We are also going to ask for a power of attorney for DD, if she is able, to care for gd if either of us in unable to. She triggered today after the para-legal called and I brought this up - she needs to be home with gd Friday when dh and I go to our first lawyer meeting. So instead of getting angry back, I sat down and asked if we could talk about this.

I told her again how important she is as a part of our family with some examples of how she contributes. I also emphasized the true value of her growing r/s with gd and how important this was for both their lives. I gave some examples of how she was connecting with gd in positive ways, and how she was helping me cope with gd's defiance and disrespect toward me. The family T has advised me to get tougher with how I enforce limits with gd. DD says I am the "softest touch" in the family and gd takes advantage of this. True - I often deny this.

I shared with her my strong desire for her to be in gd's life daily regardless of the legal relationships. Talking about the POA really helped this conversation become a positive one. I know she was triggered and acting out of fear. Shifting to how we can shift to love works. We are designed to feel two basic responses to our environment: danger or safety. This is instinctive from birth. The emotions that come from these instincts are fear and love. All other emotions, thoughts and actions evolve from fear or love. Mad, glad, happy or afraid. And a gift of being human is to come to awareness of all this so we can evaluate the danger and move away from the fear. What a change this has made for me. I hope an understanding of this can begin for DD. It changes the whole paradigm of life.

A lot of changes. Always risks of relapse for each of us with our dependencies. Always have choice to seek recovery again. Not just addiction -- it is also our response to how this triggers our own stuff. My own stuff.

It is so awesome to feel this integration of so much healing work I have attempted over the past 27 years. DD was two when I sought out help from a psychologist. I left the first session thinking, well this is not for me! It sure took me a long time to be 'ready'. It is a process -- I am getting this too.

I have a lot of friends praying for me over past year. Things just keep getting better -- even with the inevitable bumps.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Update on BPDDD29. She and bf started using meth again sometime around DD's bday at the end of May. Behavior gradually disintegrated so police had to be called. Both went to jail for a week, now out on 18 months probation. Criminal protection order in place for both of them on the other. DD is living with us and doing well. Bf is camping homeless and I have had a little contact with him.

Seems that he was getting super controlling with DD. Even to the extent of it becoming like captivity for her. He started slipping up in his nice behavior around me just before the fighting that ended with them in jail. Bad name calling, restricting her access to other friends and her phone, saying to her that she is losing weight and needs to eat more (she needs to lose at least 50 pounds to lower her risks for several major diseases!). DD has been asking lots of questions trying to figure this all out.

DD is putting true effort into staying clean, following through with the mental health treatment plan and other probation requirements. She starts a "Readiness" group tomorrow which has some focus on addiction recovery with mental illness. It is early in this round, and I do not expect perfection -- I ask her to persevere daily with what is on the schedule. She reminds me of this when I start thinking out loud too far into the future (ie. beyond today and tomorrow's needs). She is to stay upstairs during the day, even if she naps on the couch. I try to get all of us out of the house in some way every day.

I have asked her to take a bigger role with gd, and it seems to be working well so far. I am really tired, gd is really defiant with me more than anyone, and she seems to respond to her mom. I also see an acceptance of DD in our neighborhood that has NEVER been there before. Hmmmm. Maybe DD being the one calling loudly for gd at the transistion times during the day -- the neighbors see her being a mom.  Maybe my exhaustion will get a little validation too as DD gets to cope with her daughter's ADHD -- impulsive, distracted, stubborn, disorganized. Transistions are REALLY hard. It feels like we three adults are working more as a team to meet gd's needs better met. We hold each other accountable for the rules - bad language and yelling mostly. Gd is a big part of this accountability effort. The hardest part is for me to step back when DD is dealing with GD.

I have let DD know how much value she adds to our family when she is clean - as in the period from February to May this year. It was clearly using meth that destroyed the connections with us as family. I was able to speak to the judge about this when she was sentencing DD in jail about 2 weeks ago. We need her in the family, she has to be clean, she has to be part of the team with gd. If she relapes again she can return to jail with busted probation, she can return to living on the street, or she can go into residential treatment (there are 2 programs in our metro area that accept her medicaid and are dual-dx programs that work with the courts). When she gets back on track, she can participate in the family again. I pray daily for DD to succeed in being in our home, and the courage to follow through as needed.

I kept saying -- she cannot come back. And we always invited her to come back. I have been changed by some personal growth this year and find my goals of unconditional love supported by strong, consistently enforced boundaries works when I can use it. So my thinking has shifted to relapse and away from failure. This applies to DD's addictions. It applies to my dependencies and manipulative behaviors. I finally am getting how unpleasant my rescuing is for all involved and it just doesn't meet any needs anymore. Perseverance. I get down, have been down before, and have always gotten back up. The same goes for DD - for dh - for gd.

Our family T told me that the only relationship I have any true responsibility for is with gd. Everyone else is an adult and they are responsible for getting their needs met. That is not my responsibility. I can hear her in my head when feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. I can ask "How can I step out of this with this adult and hand them back their problems? How can I love them, support them in their problem solving. Hmmmm... .sounds like validation skills to me. Wow - do I really own these now?

The other good news is we got accepted TODAY by the state program for kinship adoption. It is a trial program through the state human services department. It is pro bono services with both parents to voluntarily relinquish their parental rights and then we adopt gd. This will allow us to apply for child benefits under our social security. We are also going to ask for a power of attorney for DD, if she is able, to care for gd if either of us in unable to. She triggered today after the para-legal called and I brought this up - she needs to be home with gd Friday when dh and I go to our first lawyer meeting. So instead of getting angry back, I sat down and asked if we could talk about this.

I told her again how important she is as a part of our family with some examples of how she contributes. I also emphasized the true value of her growing r/s with gd and how important this was for both their lives. I gave some examples of how she was connecting with gd in positive ways, and how she was helping me cope with gd's defiance and disrespect toward me. The family T has advised me to get tougher with how I enforce limits with gd. DD says I am the "softest touch" in the family and gd takes advantage of this. True - I often deny this.

I shared with her my strong desire for her to be in gd's life daily regardless of the legal relationships. Talking about the POA really helped this conversation become a positive one. I know she was triggered and acting out of fear. Shifting to how we can shift to love works. We are designed to feel two basic responses to our environment: danger or safety. This is instinctive from birth. The emotions that come from these instincts are fear and love. All other emotions, thoughts and actions evolve from fear or love. Mad, glad, happy or afraid. And a gift of being human is to come to awareness of all this so we can evaluate the danger and move away from the fear. What a change this has made for me. I hope an understanding of this can begin for DD. It changes the whole paradigm of life.

A lot of changes. Always risks of relapse for each of us with our dependencies. Always have choice to seek recovery again. Not just addiction -- it is also our response to how this triggers our own stuff. My own stuff.

It is so awesome to feel this integration of so much healing work I have attempted over the past 27 years. DD was two when I sought out help from a psychologist. I left the first session thinking, well this is not for me! It sure took me a long time to be 'ready'. It is a process -- I am getting this too.

I have a lot of friends praying for me over past year. Things just keep getting better -- even with the inevitable bumps.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[thefixermom]

Thank you for this indepth follow up.  I felt a lot of hope radiating through me as I read your thoughtful assessments and reflections.  As traumatic as it was when everything exploded and DD and BF went to jail, it seems to have been a necessary and welcome shake up to free up your DD to make some real progress and shed light on what was happening.  I seem to recall your GD felt great relief having the household dynamics change, too.  I'm not surprised to learn how BF exerted such control and negative influence under your roof.  I'm sure you sensed something but just didn't imagine what it was. When I lived with my parents as a 22 year old married pregnant woman, my husband at the time would punch me and threaten me in our bedroom and then we would walk into the living room where my parents were and I would be subdued (too ashamed in my youth to admit I had a husband who beat me plus I felt I had no options) and they'd say, "What's the matter with you?" and before I could answer, he would say, with a smile on his face, "She is  sure moody. Must be the hormones from pregnancy, haha." A lot of horrible things went on under their roof without them having a clue.  But they sensed something was strange about him.  They just didn't have the imagination to picture how evil he could be. I am moved by what a powerful advocate you are in your DD's life and the things you are teaching her that she may not fully realize till some time later, but just as you hear your T's voice in your head, your DD will hear your encouragement in hers and recall the examples and support you provided for years to come. She will need to draw on these once you are gone to help guide herself and GD through life. I hope her journey is made smoother by all you have learned and are passing on to her.  I am concerned about your fatigue.  It is a call for attention.  I have been suffering from fatigue myself and decided to conserve energy in some ways to recuperate.  Stealing off to take naps,  reviewing my diet and adding fresh made carrot, apple, beet, parsley and celery juice with some mineral and vitamin B supplementation is doing a lot to restore my stamina.  Plus, getting out and taking walks in nature or spending time with my animals or going to an event with a girlfriend.  We each have different things that constitute a personal vacation for us. I hope to hear that you have carved out some time for whatever it is that would restore your energy and let you feel some freedom, fun and rest.   I do love how you get everyone out of the house every day!  I'd just like to see you get some honest to goodness "me" time.   All in all, I'm very happy, even ecstatic, to read your report. I hope the Readiness Group goes well for DD.   Well done, qcarolr!

[livednlearned]

Hi qcr,

I wanted to join fixermom in saying hi, and tell you what a strong mama you are! I picture with with your safety equipment on, your helmet, a life jacket, and some big muscled arms to help row you through the rapids. You remind me that the tough spots and crises and conflicts are always going to happen, it's how we recover from them that matters.

And what an unexpected blessing that this recent incident will help the adoption process so you can wrap up that loose end and make sure GD is taken care of. It's not surprising that GD is acting out, even with ADHD and all, since her mama (and you) are working through some big upsets. She probably craves more than usual amounts of attention when everyone's emotions are running high.

Your T is so right about GD being your #1 responsibility and that everyone is an adult. I do like how you make sure DD knows she is valued in the family, and that the neighborhood is accepting her. Those are big! Hopefully the success she feels will not be too much for her to embrace right now when a little bit of success is sorely needed.



Thanks for updating us.

LnL

[kelti1972]

Hi qca;

What a trooper and strength you are.  How fortuante for your DD and GD to have you!  Hope all progresses for all concerned.   Kelti

[qcarolr]

DD was so anxious about the group yesterday. I dropped her to check in while I parked. Gd and I were going to be in the lobby waiting area. For some reason they did not tell DD what room to go to as her T said they would. She was ready to walk out. So I went to the reception desk and shared the instructions her T had given. DD did not know to ask to check in for group under group leader's name, not her T's name. There was a brief huddle between 2 receptionists, one went to find where the group was, another participant had arrived, she came back and showed both DD and this man where to go. Now DD will know what to say on check-in and where to go.

She needs me to be an advocate for her in the beginning of many new situations. This decreases her anxiety/panic and teaches her by example what to do. This learning model works for her by minimizing the anxiety that shuts down her ability to think. I am sincerely happy to do this with her.

At the end of the hour she comes back with a bounce in her step and smile on her face! There must be a good fit with the other participants and the leader. Next step for me: helping her find a decent bus route that doesn't take 2 hours. It is a 30 minute drive.

Learning and understanding the value of the danger/safety:fear/love patterns in life has made a big difference in my r/s with DD. Every discipline that I have connected with has this underneath it -- sometimes very deep so we are not aware of this. Psychology, religion, spirituality, biological sciences, quantum physics, and most recently neuroscience. For me the big story in the Bible is a layer below all of these.

I came across this quote stuck in my Bible this morning and it fit this discussion. It is from "Things Hidden" by Fr. Richard Rhor, page 55. [He references 1 Cor. 13:13  "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."]

"... .it allows God to lead you through darkness -- where God knows and I don't. This is the only way to come to love!  Love is the true goal, and faith is the process of getting there, and hope is the willingness to live without resolution or closure."

qcr

[thefixermom]

I enjoyed your report of the group and how you were able to calm her anxiety and be there for her.  I know that feeling and enjoy those opportunities, too.  I find them very reassuring to my DD and myself in a bonding sort of way.  I have a question for you.  With the BF recently out of the picture, what do you think your DD's chances are of not falling into the temptations of another BF too soon?  This just popped into my head as I was reading your post and hoping that the extra bounce in her step isn't due to there being a cute fella in the group, too. I don't mean to cast an unnecessary wondering on things... .I'm often living in this limbo between optimism and skepticism after being blindsided by my naiveté more than a time or two.  Well, if there is a cute fella, then at least he's there for growth, too. And yes, I wholeheartedly agree with the quotes you shared.  I'm often put into a more peaceful place when I tell myself that God is working on all of us and love *is* the greatest creation there is for all that it contains.

[qcarolr]

Since I have not heard from DD since she left with friends yesterday afternoon, I have no idea of what's up with her today. It was gd's 10th birthday yesterday and DD was to go to a movie with me, gd and two of her friends. As we were driving to the theater DD got a call on her phone (unusual, not a text) and bailed on the movie. Something about most recent exbf using her name to steal stuff from 3 of her friends. Someone was to pick her up outside the theater. She stopped briefly later in the evening to get her backpack and some food, then left with a gf and ex-ex-exbf. The one with a car and job that is endlessly infatuated with DD. That is in my posts from 2012 not to be rehashed here. Hope they are all keeping each other clean - they are each on probation with substance monitoring.

Gd feels disappointed and angry with her mom mostly because there was no gift from her mom. And I did not "rescue" DD this time with a gift labeled as from 'mom'. Gd is not very 'attached' to birthday traditions, and never wants any singing to her. She really enjoyed her friends there to play with. She invited kids from her class at school that had not been to our house before. Hoping for some play dates this summer. Geez, what happened to June? Only 8 weeks of summer left.

Dh and I met with a lawyer on Friday about adoption of gd. We were accepted in a pro-bono pilot program through our state department of health and human services. I have the consent form for DD to sign for voluntary relinquishment of her parental rights. I have to take her to a notary at the bank. There is a little time to get this done - I will try to practice patience. The legal assistant is available to talk with DD if she has any questions.

Dh and I have to get lots of finger prints done at the sheriff's office. Background checks with FBI take about 8 weeks, then they can submit the petitions for relinquishment and adoption. DD does not need to be at the hearing, and we hope she chooses to not ask to come. Gd will have to answer questions from the judge since she is 10 about our family and where she prefers to live -- not her choice, just her preference. Gd seems pretty content with this path so far.

Day to day life will be the same as it is now. We have had full legal parental rights for nearly 9 years, and both parents have been limited in their visitation rights based on their situation. The only difference would be they lose the ability to challenge our custody in court. I don't see that happening anyway. This could be a positive step for everyone involved. Have to keep love as the ultimate goal with faith and hope that God has this covered for all our good. This holds me up in all the uncertainty of my daily life.

qcr

[qcarolr]

WOO_HOO. Only 8:30 and DD is home, dropped off by the ex-ex-exbf with the car. She needs to be here with gd so I can work tomorrow - even though work at home except a few hours weekly is very hard to get it done with gd's needing my attention when friends are not here.

qcr

[livednlearned]

WOO_HOO. Only 8:30 and DD is home, dropped off by the ex-ex-exbf with the car. She needs to be here with gd so I can work tomorrow - even though work at home except a few hours weekly is very hard to get it done with gd's needing my attention when friends are not here.

qcr