The type of man my unBPD wants me to be with.

[lipsticklibrarian]

Hey Guys, I was wondering if any of you have had a similar experience with their mothers and their involvement with your romantic relationships. If I'm dating anyone who is loving and caring and kind she immediatley tries to cut the relatonship off, she says all kinds of things like how he's not good enough for me, I need someone who is not so sappy etc. So all my life I've been thinking she has really high standards for me.

However the few people she has suggested it would be ok for me to date have had no real rhyme or reason, they always have some sort of social or mental disorder which would be an exhausting drain on my energy. I think maybe this is because she is taking care of someone with a mental disorder, my stepfather and she wants us to have something in common.

The most recent man she recommended I start dating... .  

Has no job

suffers from depression

is my best friends ex boy friend

who she admitted to me raped her multiple times while she was asleep

dropped out of grad school


I told her that he helps his family take care of his disabled brother which is admittedly nice of him she responded that I should think about dating him because one day his brother will die and he will go on to do something really interesting with his life.

[mlle24]

My BPDmom is very persistant at trying to sabotage relationships. Whether it's from the ground floor-telling me that someone who is probably really bad for me is good for me; or later on in the relationship by making things up, telling me she doesn't approve, telling me she hardly knows him, he's a nobody, blah blah blah. There's a lot of things she's tried to say to end a relationship she didn't like... .  not to mention the things she's said to me trying to encourage me to start an unhealthy relationship.  I think it's simply a method of control.

In my case, she wanted some relationship I was in to be worse than the one I'm in with her so she doesn't seem "so bad".  For your mom, it sounds like she could use someone who's in the same position she is... .  or maybe she needs your help/needs you in ways that would potentially be "damaged" in her eyes by you having a healthy/happy relationship.

[Gerda]

One of my best friends once gave me some good advice, "Never, EVER take relationship advice from your mom!"

She meant my mom specifically (maybe some moms out there give good relationship advice), but she was right, and it might be the same case with your mom.

Remember, they want you to have the relationship THEY want you to have, not the one you want to have.

In my case, my mom has been married three times, all three ended in divorce, and now she's looking for a fourth. Not a very good record there. My dad was husband #2, and even when I was a kid, their marriage was already unhappy (they "stayed together for the kids" for a long time and eventually divorced when I was 16). When I was a kid, mom would tell me all about her relationship problems with my dad (emotional incest there) and about how, just for NO REASON, after I was born he "quit being nice", probably because he though she was trapped with him now. She totally demonized my dad to me, and I believed all of it. She also demonized men in general.

It was really hard when I reached the age where I started getting interested in dating, with all that stuff swimming around in my head about how bad men are. Ironically, I think it actually made me more open to being treated badly, because that's what I expected from males.

The weird thing is, my mom hates men, but she also NEEDS one. Since her last divorce she's always going on and on and on about how lonely she is and how she just NEEDS a man around.

Now, here I go marrying a man, not for his money, not for security, like my mom did with all her husbands, but because we love each other and are compatible with each other and he's good person. So then my mom goes on about how he doesn't make enough money, he's too old for me, there must be something wrong with him, etc.

It could be a control thing, like mlle24 says, but I think in my case it could just be that my mom has different priorities than I do (and of course, she then thinks I should have the same priorities she does). She gets married to have someone to give her financial security, help fix things around the house, work on her car, lavish gifts upon her, etc. Love and companionship are way down the priority list.

So I guess when getting any advice, you need to consider the source!

[justnothing]

Well if she herself is attracted (or so it seems if that's your step father) to people with mental disorders, then maybe she recommends these guys because she finds them attractive herself… whereas the "sappy" guys are a turn off for her, so to speak.

I'm astonished actually that she recommends any type of guy for you what so ever… Another possibility that comes to mind is that she might subconsciously be trying to hook you up with guys with whom the relationship will be bound to fail in order to keep you to herself… (I don't know your mother, granted, so I may be wrong, it's just something that comes to mind because of my own experience).

Either way, regardless of if you choose to date nice guys, jerks or what, it's not really any of her or anybody else's business… Maybe next time she tells you someone's "too sappy" you can tell her you 'like "sappy" guys'.

[BiancaRose]

I have never, ever, EVER had even one single serious relationship that my mother thought was appropriate or good. Every man I have ever dated long-term has been - in her eyes - not just wrong for me, but actively bad in ways that put me at very serious risk.

My first serious boyfriend was black. Enough said. Yeah, my mom is a little bit racist. But she probably found him also the most acceptable of my boyfriends because he didn't have a strong personality and was unlikely to challenge her dominance in my life.

My second serious boyfriend, who I ended up marrying, was crazy. She saw him as a very angry and selfish person, which is what he turned out to be, but not necessarily for all the same reasons she said. Actually he and my mom had a lot of common traits and I've sometimes wondered if that's why I chose him, and why she had such a negative reaction to him. It probably also didn't help that he wanted a relationship where he had a lot of control over me emotionally, which automatically means she would have less. She didn't like that much!

My current boyfriend is openly bisexual. I'm cool with that, but my mother is freaking out, and employing a combination of shaming, misinformation ("you are at huge risk for serious disease!", and phony psychotherapy (implying that if I had better self-esteem, I would not want to date bisexual men because I'd know that I "deserve better" to sabotage our relationship.

I understand my mother's behaviour to be a combination of a few different factors: she doesn't like when I'm in relationships because then she doesn't get me all to herself; she doesn't like seeing me in relationships because she thinks it's too risky (I could get my heart broken!) and she's overprotective; and also, she has very different values from me so she views men I like as unsuitable partners. Because she's unable to project herself into somebody else's shoes, she can't figure out why I would like a bi guy if she thinks that's icky - she can't imagine that people might not see things as she does.

Interestingly, I have absolutely no idea what kind of man my mother thinks I should be with (other than white, hetero, and spineless). I suspect she'd probably be happiest if I just moved back home and she could take me to lunch and shopping every day. Assuming, of course, that I agreed with everything she said and never complained or argued. I could be like one of those chihuahuas you carry in your purse! Oh, joy! Doesn't that sound fun? 

[GeekyGirl]

Well if she herself is attracted (or so it seems if that's your step father) to people with mental disorders, then maybe she recommends these guys because she finds them attractive herself… whereas the "sappy" guys are a turn off for her, so to speak.

I'm astonished actually that she recommends any type of guy for you what so ever… Another possibility that comes to mind is that she might subconsciously be trying to hook you up with guys with whom the relationship will be bound to fail in order to keep you to herself… (I don't know your mother, granted, so I may be wrong, it's just something that comes to mind because of my own experience).

These are both good points and either scenario is quite possible. LipstickLibrarian, could you say something to your mother (using SET or otherwise validating her feelings) that makes it clear that you'll find your own dates? If she starts to criticize someone you're already dating, you can use the same tactics to tell her that you appreciate her her opinions (validation!), but you'll ultimately decide who's right for you.

[Angelanne]

I've experienced the relationship sabotage from my uBPD (w/NPD traits) mom. She discouraged me all the way up until the wedding and even after we were married. She tried all kinds of things - saying he wasn't good enough for me; suggesting he might have "issues", suggesting that something must be wrong with him for not having been married yet, and so on. She did whatever she could to make me doubt myself, my boyfriend and our relationship.

I didn't listen. I cried a lot because of her but I followed my heart because I knew he was a good man and we love each other. We've been married for four years and I have no regret for ignoring my mom's "advice" or rather fear tactics. The interesting part is she changed her game after she saw that I wasn't giving in - she then started trying to befriend him and get him on her side against me but I stopped that too when I clued him in on what she was doing. 

All of that to say, it does not sound like your mom has your best interest at heart. It's all about her. They can't stand for someone else to come into your life that will love you and treat you well. I've read this in one of the BPD (w/NPD traits) books I have. I just can't remember which book. My advice is that you RUN away from any man your mom picks for you. They sound like bad news and more complications and pain for your life.

I wish you the best in finding your own true love that is right for you. 

[losingconfidence]

Wow. I can relate to this. My mother was over the moon about this guy who was interested in me when I was in high school.

He was:

1. Really sexist/misogynistic.

2. Constantly making rape jokes and getting upset if I didn't laugh.

3. Not at all fun to be with.

4. Not someone who took school seriously at all.

When I broke up with him, she took it fairly personally. In other words, yes, what you're dealing with is normal.