Difficult Transition From BPDm "follower" to standing alone.

[hwc9]

NC with BPDm has been fabulous in most ways but in others it has been soo hard.  The hard stuff has been worth it, but I have been having a lot of anxious and lonely feeling bad days lately.  I know NC was the right decision for me, but my sibs-ensis will not speak to me, and brother will talk to me but has decided to stay "neutral".  He told me about a recent visit with our BPDm and he was complaining about some of the crap she pulls that I always felt was unacceptable and ultimately led to our current status.  He, however, says, "I just tell her to knock it off and cut it out-that really works."  Really?  It's kind of like he's saying, "come on hwc9, just play the game like I do and keep the peace."  It leads me to question my own judgement and all that I have stood up against in terms of my BPDm.  Then I realize that he pretty weak when it comes to any sort of conflict.  I mean, he married a woman who I suspect has BPD and he is a complete wimp.  That said, I know I really shouldn't let his point of view affect me the way it does. 

I know transitioning from being under the thumb of a BPDp is a process and certainly not an easy one.  I just want to feel what it feels like to feel "normal" without this sort of crazy coming into my (all of us who are affected by BPDp) life.  It takes practice now for me to make a big decision without looking to BPDm or FOO for approval.  I didn't think it would be this tough.

Thanks for listening.

[P.F.Change]

Remember that we are all individuals and deal with things in different ways--even healhy people. Know that just because something is working for your brother doesn't mean it would work for you. There aren't any one-size-fits-all solutions. He might be suggesting that but you don't have to agree and you don't have to substitute his judgement for your own.

My sis is still in contact with our parents. She is good about staying neutral and respecting my choice for NC but still sometimes I might say to her, "I'm glad you've found a solution that works for you," while I can also say the same thing to myself.

I'm glad you found a solution that works for you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[hwc9]

PF-

Thanks for your reply.  Your advice makes sense but sometimes hard to put into practice.  When my brother does this I feel like such a bad person because I went to such an extreme to rid the crazy from my life.

I have to remind myself that my choice was what *I* needed.  Sometimes he acts a bit "put-upon" that he has to be a neutral party and it actually makes me feel guilty.   

Thanks again. 

[Faith2012]

I can relate to your post. I am NC with my BPD Nada and narcissist Fada. My sister is LC. I feel like this was the 100% right decision for me. I try to support her in her decision to email and text with them but I do feel guilty like I should want to contact them also. I really want nothing to do with them. Also, when I read what they have written to her it makes me so glad that I am NC. My sister and i are very close so this has been hard!

[P.F.Change]

I have to remind myself that my choice was what *I* needed.  Sometimes he acts a bit "put-upon" that he has to be a neutral party and it actually makes me feel guilty.   

This is how you have been conditioned to feel... .  many children in dysfunctional families are made to feel responsible for other people's feelings.

It's not your job to make sure your brother isn't uncomfortable. He has choices, too. If he is feeling resentment, it is his job to deal with that. You aren't responsible for his choices or how he feels as a result. He could choose to be *truly* neutral and not bring up your FOO in conversation, rather than making passive-aggressive digs at you. He could focus on his relationship with you, or be honest about how the present situation makes him feel. His happiness is his responsibility. It is his job to learn to cope with reality in a healthy way.

When you feel guilt as a result of talking with your brother, what are the specific thouhts you have? What true statements can you use to replace them?

For example:

"I am weak and oversensitive because I should be able to handle my FOO," might become instead, "I am a strong person for protecting myself from abuse and manipulation."

"I am such a cruel person for causing my brother so much trouble," could be, "I am lovable even when other people don't lile my choices," or "I am not responsible for managing other people's feelings."

What thoughts need replacing, and which statements will be helpful for you? Do you need any boundaries with your brother, or to openly discuss what you are both feeling instead of "mind-reading?"

PF