New here Seeking Advice on Handling Sister with undiagnosed BPD

[dkimg21]

Hey everyone!

Kind of stumbled on this website when I got off the phone after an argument with my sister. Apologies in advance if it seems confusing or incoherent, but I'm genuinely reaching my limit when it comes to my younger sister. For some context:

I'm a 26 y.o. man living a few states away from my family, where I'm pursuing a master's in film directing. My sister (25) moved back in with our parents last year after struggling financially with her boyfriend, and they've been together for almost 5 years (though now it's remote). She's an incredibly talented artist, and we have a really tight bond because of it.

On top of school, I work two part time jobs and try to keep up with my social circles. However, when I'm back home, I always do my best to call her and check in. Sometimes it's good, but sometimes it's really bad. I have my own mental health issues (depression, anxiety), so the "bad" calls are what really bump me. The bad calls last for up to 3-4 hours, and they often leave me feeling drained and worried until I hear her in a happier mood days later. Lately, with work picking up on all fronts, these calls have taken an even bigger toll on my mental (and probably physical) health.

Most recently, I had a particularly exhausting week of work, and I wanted to unwind and just chat with my sister. We're working on a comic book together, and I wanted to give her update UNTIL she actually picked up the phone. Usually, I ask her how she's doing, but, this time, she just went into talking about how terrible her boyfriend's job is. Yes, they're living apart, but she was complaining about HIS job FOR him. I was really calm, trying to actively listen and offer some words of encouragement for her boyfriend (him and I don't talk very often), but she, instead, accused me of "calling him out." I don't remember the actual wording, but I genuinely was offering her advice like, "He should contact HR," or "He should find another job that values his skills," but she took it in a completely different direction. She starts telling me that I should stay out of his business and that I have no say in their relationship - THEN she begins talking about wanting to move out of our parents' place for no good reason other than "I hate this state." I asked, "Why?", but she went on a rant (not going to get into details here but let's just say it was pretty insensitive). I had to tell her to stop because I wasn't in the right headspace, but rather than responding, she just hung up after telling me to "f*** off."

This is just one of MANY (as in several years' worth) of conversations, and I don't want to get into specifics in case she comes across this post. But as I mentioned, it's starting to take a toll on me, and I'm not sure where else to turn to. I'm often considered the "nice" guy in my school, but I never considered that maybe it stems from the years I've had to hide my emotions from my sister. I'm realizing that her behavior and negativity has often triggered my more depressive or anxious (or both) states, and it has gotten in the way of me pursuing other things in life like a relationship, visiting other states/countries, or accepting new meaningful and potentially life-changing opportunities.

I'm still doing well, and I've managed my emotions and boundaries much better this past year. I actually even found out that I had ADHD, and that inspired me to tell my sister to get a mental health screening. TO THIS DAY, she still hasn't done so, and she stopped going to therapy because she found it "inconvenient" to her schedule (which, mind you, she freelances). It has even gotten to a point where I am calling different mental health facilities to get more information for her, but, of course, she needs to make the appointment herself.

Any advice would be great, and sorry if this was really nonspecific or confusing! Just needed a place to vent for now.

[Couscous]

Basically, when we have a sibling with BPD or BPD traits, we usually have an enmeshed relationship with them and tend to be far, far too involved in each other’s lives and have far too much contact.

Of course you want to be a good big brother and look out for her, but maybe that’s something your parents should actually be doing, seeing how she lives with them. But if they are impaired in some way and are unable to do that, then if when you do check in on her she’s having a bad day, you can always encourage her to speak to a trained professional at a crisis hotline who will be better equipped to help her. It doesn’t do either of you any good for you to be playing the role of her therapist/crisis counselor. Even therapists can’t be therapists for their own family members.

While it is unfortunate that she chooses to not go to therapy, at the end of the day it is her life to do with as she chooses. Sometimes people just do not have the psychological resources at a particular time in their lives to do therapy, and a lot of therapists do not have the skills to work with people with BPD. Your sister is on her own path and may need to “hit bottom” before she is willing to do the difficult work of changing her life. Wishing you all the best as you work to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing.