Refusing to be an enabler of abuse (a Flying Monkey)

[zachira]

We often wonder why other people, especially family members, are flying monkeys (enablers of the abuse of other people). This week a neighbor called me demanding that I join her in boycotting everything that the HOA President does. She has been horrible to this kind generous man and I feel sorry for him. I think she actually hates men, based on my observations on how she treats other men. It was incredible all the threats she made if I didn't join her in abusing this man. She actually accused me of causing her to have high blood pressure. Now she is clearly angry and barely speaking to me, and I am fine with that, though it is a bit difficult as she is my closest neighbor and I run into her all the time. I was quite shocked at how she threatened me and her level of anger for refusing to be her flying monkey. I think some flying monkeys are terrified of how they will be treated if they refuse to do what the abuser wants. Our disordered family members would not be able to inflict the levels of abuse that they do on others if they weren't enabled by so many flying monkeys. Thoughts? Stories?

[Teach21]

I think you said it...they are terrified of how they will be treated if they refuse. My brother and sister are NC with my mom. My mom desperately wants reconciliation and thinks I should be the peacemaker. I have discussed with my brother and sister reconciling, but also understand why they don't want to. My mom constantly tries to put me in the middle and wants me to talk to them about reconciling or deliver messages. If I don't, she threatens me somehow. She lives halfway around the world from me but it doesn't stop. I'm still afraid of her and how she will treat me when I refuse to do what she wants. While I'm not "abusing" my brother and sister, I know they get tired of me talking to them about her. 
I'm planning a trip to visit her this summer for 3 weeks, but she won't settle for anything less than a month long visit, and "she's not going to argue with me about it". I am willing to go for 4 weeks simply because she needs cataract surgery and will need help but am not looking forward to it at all. However, she wants me to deliver notes she found when cleaning out my grandparents things that my grandfather had written to my brother many years ago. My grandpa wrote the notes, addressed them to my brother, but never gave them to him. I don't feel it's my place to do so. My grandfather clearly didn't give them to my brother and maybe they were written only to vent and express feelings. My mom feels that if my brother has them, he will somehow recognize the error of his ways and change his mind about reconciling. Two of the notes would only hurt my brother, and I don't think would be helpful at all.  My mom responds to my texts to confirm dates for my trip with "give the notes to your brother".  I don't think I'm "abusing" my brother but my fear of her and dealing with her emotional responses keeps me under her control. I am learning how to break that cycle, how to set boundaries, and to not feel responsible for her emotional health but it continues to be a very difficult road.

[zachira]

Teach21,
Keep up the good work on breaking the cycle. Setting the boundaries is a learning process and takes time.
My mistake with my neighbor was to listen to her complaints about the HOA President. I did not share my point of view nor ever agree with her yet somehow she apparently hoped that I would be her flying monkey. With disordered people, we limit our contact with them the best we can. With family members and business relationships, we can not always go no contact.

[Mommydoc]

Manipulative behavior can trap well intentioned people into saying and doing things they would never have done. My guess is your neighbor has been successful in getting others to join her attack by manipulating them. It requires both awareness of the manipulative behavior and then courage to do otherwise. The wrath incurred when you don’t do what they want, is further manipulation to cause you to consider complying the next time. My sister with BPD frequently phrases things like “ you obviously agree that the HOA president is a horrible person, right” with no pause to allow you to disagree. If you don’t interrupt her and actively disagree, the next conversation will be “you told me you agreed to XYZ, because the HOA president is so horrible” when you never agreed to any of it. I noticed with my sister, people would frequently call me after talking with her to clarify what they said, because they had felt manipulated and were afraid they would be misquoted as a flying monkey. So glad you stood up to your neighbor Zachira. You probably have much greater sensitivity and awareness of manipulative behavior and a strong will not to become someone else’s flying monkey because of your past experiences.

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
I am so aware of how the flying monkeys enabling the abuser's behaviors can be many times more hurtful and damaging than what the abuser is able to do alone. I am glad to hear that people are confused by your sister's behaviors and clarify with you what is going on.