Coffee Meets Bagel Year Long Nightmare - Heartbroken - UPDATE

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey all,

So, I made a previous post about how I dated someone for a year who is undiagnosed with BPD and possibly ASD. We've been on NC for about three weeks now. However, a friend of mine approached me last Sunday and informed me that my ex reached out to him to have lunch. As a disclaimer, they both happen to work for the same company, but they only know each other because of me, so they are acquaintances at best. My friend lent him an acoustic guitar a couple of months ago, so my ex reached out to him to ask if he wanted the guitar back. My friend replied and told him that he could hold onto it for a bit longer if he desired. My ex then asked my friend what he was doing for lunch and if he wanted to meet up. My friend agreed. They met up last Friday, and my friend told me that as soon as they met up, my ex asked him how I was doing and if I was okay. My ex also assumed that my friend knew all of the dirty details behind our very tumultuous breakup, and started to talk a little bit about how he has a lot to figure out, and told my friend that I was uncomfortable with the fact that he was friends with his ex, and he didn't see what the big deal was because it "wasn't like that" with her, and that I think that my ex boyfriend's ex is manipulating him and he doesn't think it's the case. My ex boyfriend also told my friend that he went to go to a doctor for a physical (I was the one who set that appointment up) and that doctor urged him to get psychiatric care, and he told my friend that he wants to seek help at this point. He also told my friend that he is moving out of his apartment (presumably to an apartment that I picked out for him) and that he hates the company he works for and he wants a new job. Lastly, he told my friend that it "sucks that he can't worship with us at the same church anymore and he would've liked to and how he can't join our group for bible studies/hang outs." My friend attempted to set him straight on the fact that he knew absolutely nothing that was going on with our relationship and the details behind the break up.

I had to let my friend know the grounds on which the break up occurred because I didn't want my ex to have a fit one day and destroy my friend's guitar, as he is prone to doing with physical objects, and I told my friend that the relationship ended on a very verbally, mentally, and (almost) physically abusive note. The last contact I had with my ex - he basically told me that he is not in love with me, he might still have feelings for his ex, he feels sorry for me, and that I am a person with no self-respect and that I let people walk all over me and that all I do is suffocate and torture him and he needs space away from me.

Any ideas as to why he randomly decided to have lunch with my friend and change the story to minimize the pain he put me through for a year?

[Discarded718]

Hey all,

So, I made a previous post about how I dated someone for a year who is undiagnosed with BPD and possibly ASD. We've been on NC for about three weeks now. However, a friend of mine approached me last Sunday and informed me that my ex reached out to him to have lunch. As a disclaimer, they both happen to work for the same company, but they only know each other because of me, so they are acquaintances at best. My friend lent him an acoustic guitar a couple of months ago, so my ex reached out to him to ask if he wanted the guitar back. My friend replied and told him that he could hold onto it for a bit longer if he desired. My ex then asked my friend what he was doing for lunch and if he wanted to meet up. My friend agreed. They met up last Friday, and my friend told me that as soon as they met up, my ex asked him how I was doing and if I was okay. My ex also assumed that my friend knew all of the dirty details behind our very tumultuous breakup, and started to talk a little bit about how he has a lot to figure out, and told my friend that I was uncomfortable with the fact that he was friends with his ex, and he didn't see what the big deal was because it "wasn't like that" with her, and that I think that my ex boyfriend's ex is manipulating him and he doesn't think it's the case. My ex boyfriend also told my friend that he went to go to a doctor for a physical (I was the one who set that appointment up) and that doctor urged him to get psychiatric care, and he told my friend that he wants to seek help at this point. He also told my friend that he is moving out of his apartment (presumably to an apartment that I picked out for him) and that he hates the company he works for and he wants a new job. Lastly, he told my friend that it "sucks that he can't worship with us at the same church anymore and he would've liked to and how he can't join our group for bible studies/hang outs." My friend attempted to set him straight on the fact that he knew absolutely nothing that was going on with our relationship and the details behind the break up.

I had to let my friend know the grounds on which the break up occurred because I didn't want my ex to have a fit one day and destroy my friend's guitar, as he is prone to doing with physical objects, and I told my friend that the relationship ended on a very verbally, mentally, and (almost) physically abusive note. The last contact I had with my ex - he basically told me that he is not in love with me, he might still have feelings for his ex, he feels sorry for me, and that I am a person with no self-respect and that I let people walk all over me and that all I do is suffocate and torture him and he needs space away from me.

Any ideas as to why he randomly decided to have lunch with my friend and change the story to minimize the pain he put me through for a year?

[Doughboy]

Yes and no regarding the real reason why.

It sounds like this is a bit shocking and confusing for you and that makes total sense.  My guess would be the black/white thinking that is such a dominant characteristic.  Mix in a little regret and a little shame, toss in some triangulation and boom...what you are experiencing. 

Interesting that he said so many negative things about himself.  The main motivation though, imo, is to get all of that information to you.  To show that he is not what you experienced.  You saw behind the curtain and he can't have that.  He is changing and you might want to consider taking him back.  Does that make sense?  Basically a way to reach in an attempt to possibly reconcile but also to possibly rewrite some of the history. 

The way he went about it is safe to him because he did not have to see, or talk, to you directly.

[once removed]

Any ideas as to why he randomly decided to have lunch with my friend and change the story to minimize the pain he put me through for a year?

people that are going through a breakup can be prone to telling anyone and everyone their life story. i did it a few times myself.