Just discovered my Spouse/Business Partner is BPD

[Pon]

Hi. I am married to a person that, based on conversations with a therapist who was briefly dealing with my stress issues in my marriage, I recently learned likely has BPD. She is a wonderful person at her core, but is extremely volatile, has uncontrollable rages, trust issues and takes extreme dislikes to people based on the smallest of slights or perceived deficiencies in them. Her attitude towards me ranges from that I am wonderful to I am the worst (although more often the 'I am terrible in every way' lately). She is paranoid and assumes everyone is cheating her. She hides these attitudes in 1:1 interactions with them often. Her moods can change from these extremes from one moment to the next.

However, she is smart and has tons of integrity. Her first impulse is actually to be kind and considerate (it's only later that she will 'turn' on people).  

I am a chronic placater, because I have no intention to leave her, but my desire in life is to have a happy, quiet life where she is happy. I was actually called-out that many of my goals and dreams revolve around making her life happy -- which I am working on as I am working on living and doing what I need to do to and not pressing her to feel as I do.

I made an error in that prior to this diagnosis, I had become the sole breadwinner for a time (after her having the more lucrative job) and she felt that she was not using her talents and abilities. She had expressed some dreams and goals and, given my circumstances at the time, it made sense to pursue her concept and help her make it a business. I have since become more than helping and the managing partner in the business.

Unfortunately, while the product is great and we are making progress, the likely BPD (which again was only recently diagnosed as I myself and likely unperceptive) is creating stress and posing a danger to the business. Her volatility, paranoia and inability to roll with the inevitable ups and downs of entrepreneurship is an issue as it's not good for stability and has at times forced me to take measures to make sure she doesn't push the 'self destruct' button on the business (like deleting our main social media marketing account that we spent a year and a consultant's year of time on building).

Her mood swings and decisions made from irrational hatred of people and anger are not good for stability. The people we took on to help us -- which have been putting in a good and honest effort for the company which is bearing fruit -- she has now decided she despises. This person is a big factor in our efforts and an economical hire, so dumping them for no good cause would be a problem in that it would cost more, create bad will and do harm. Yet it's a nightmare -- and I'm also convinced that anyone else we hire would suffer the same fate eventually. This person doesn't know it, because all the hostility she takes out on me, and demands a series of passive-aggressive maneuvers to placate her (like removing this person from all references or images of the company even on old social media posts).

We've sunk almost 2 years and our savings into this, so I think simply abandoning it now -- particularly as it is beginning to bear fruit and she is very financial-security-oriented would be a disaster.

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