You can't make this stuff up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm ready to give up.  I've been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 9. Prior to the wedding she was as described in many places on sites like this... .A dream come true. She is 34 and about 3 months ago was diagnosed with BPD.

1 1/2 years into marriage she cheated on me with her ex that used to physically and emotionally abuse her according to her.  Because she seemed so convincing in her pleas to make it right, I decided to stay in the marriage.  At the time I remember feeling like this was a clear and deliberate decision on my part.  I remember that because it was one of if not the last one I made.

After the affair, the lies started to trickle out not only about the affair but in many other areas of our life.  Unpaid bills, household chores, basically all life responsibilities started to slip with her.  She would lie about anything and everything to cover her shortfalls in our life.  She lies when the truth is less harmful.  She lies when I or whoever doesn't even have an opinion on whatever the subject is at the time.

Fast forward to about a year ago, affair number 2, then while I'm a couple days into dealing with that, affair number 3 pops out.  None of these is she honest about.  I find out through digging and snooping which has become a part of my routine.
Even once caught she lies and lies about it.  It is never as it seems, she never takes it to the "physical" with them because she loves me so much!

Around a year ago I also started finding booze hidden in places in our house and her car.  I'd smell it on her, ask her about it, she'd deny it, and so many times on the same night I'd find her stash.  Water bottles filled with vodka, starbucks cups with wine, mini bottles under her car seat, etc. It got to a point of a couple times a week.  But like the cheating, this wasn't what it looks like according to her.

  In late June she wrecked our car while drinking and left the scene.  The homeowner of the retaining wall she destroyed found her because of the trail of oil she left as she drove home 5 miles away.  She tried to lie to me about it because I was out of town working and she was supposedly home when it happened.  Turns out she had let the insurance lapse and started to commit insurance fraud with the same story she was giving me about hitting a deer, then a ditch.  So car was totaled and uninsured and... .in MY NAME.

About 2 months ago I awoke at 2:30am to the sound of her moaning.  I found her just outside our bedroom window on our deck, sitting at our patio table having phone sex with a guy she went to high school with and hasn't talked to in 10 years.  Their conversation started innocently 3 hours before I caught them with Facebook messenging "hey long time no see, how have you been, etc" to masturbation together 3 hours later while I lay asleep not 10 feet away.  I had spent that day installing a whirlpool tub in our bathroom because she has always wanted one.  That evening, right after I finished putting it in we bathed together in it for the first time.  We got out, were going to continue "things" in the bedroom but she went to check on the kids and at that point responded to this guy on social media and off it went.  

About a minute after she had this affair she took up gambling.  She has never been into that but is now hooked.  She's depleted our property tax account, cashed a bunch of bogus checks, taken out payday loans, not paid any bills, etc.  Last week she was fired from her job (bank asst. Manager) after 9 years employed for the fraudulent checks.  Several days ago I found crystal meth hidden in her closet, then in her car.  

All the while she says she loves me and our family, makes empty promises, and breaks them, sometimes not even 24 hours after being me to believe her this time.  It is nuts.  It's nuts that I've allowed it to continue but as stupid as this sounds, I do believe she loves me.  Not that that should define my decisions to be responsible with my life but how can someone possibly care for another and keep killing them with dishonesty, infidelity, irresponsibility?

She's in therapy which she enjoys and is finally getting some explanations for herself but it doesn't appear to be working outside of her talking like she's "taking action" to change.  I'm afraid she's just manipulating the situating like everything else and using the BPD as another excuse to be a child and do crazy things.  She loves to say "yes I did that and I took accountability for it" or "I admit I did wrong, you never do" all before she goes right back out and does it again.  I've been blamed for every thing she's done.  When I caught her in the act of phone sex, she stayed screaming at me about being a terrible husband, it's all my fault, I don't love her, etc... .

I know I basically answer my own question but has anybody seen a volitile situation as this improve through treatment for BPD?  She is imploding and friends and family obviously tell me to run and let her fall.  She's like a teenager trying to get caught for attention yet rebelling at the very idea of consequences or accountability.

[Groundhog day]

I'm ready to give up.  I've been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 9. Prior to the wedding she was as described in many places on sites like this... .A dream come true. She is 34 and about 3 months ago was diagnosed with BPD.

1 1/2 years into marriage she cheated on me with her ex that used to physically and emotionally abuse her according to her.  Because she seemed so convincing in her pleas to make it right, I decided to stay in the marriage.  At the time I remember feeling like this was a clear and deliberate decision on my part.  I remember that because it was one of if not the last one I made.

After the affair, the lies started to trickle out not only about the affair but in many other areas of our life.  Unpaid bills, household chores, basically all life responsibilities started to slip with her.  She would lie about anything and everything to cover her shortfalls in our life.  She lies when the truth is less harmful.  She lies when I or whoever doesn't even have an opinion on whatever the subject is at the time.

Fast forward to about a year ago, affair number 2, then while I'm a couple days into dealing with that, affair number 3 pops out.  None of these is she honest about.  I find out through digging and snooping which has become a part of my routine.
Even once caught she lies and lies about it.  It is never as it seems, she never takes it to the "physical" with them because she loves me so much!

Around a year ago I also started finding booze hidden in places in our house and her car.  I'd smell it on her, ask her about it, she'd deny it, and so many times on the same night I'd find her stash.  Water bottles filled with vodka, starbucks cups with wine, mini bottles under her car seat, etc. It got to a point of a couple times a week.  But like the cheating, this wasn't what it looks like according to her.

  In late June she wrecked our car while drinking and left the scene.  The homeowner of the retaining wall she destroyed found her because of the trail of oil she left as she drove home 5 miles away.  She tried to lie to me about it because I was out of town working and she was supposedly home when it happened.  Turns out she had let the insurance lapse and started to commit insurance fraud with the same story she was giving me about hitting a deer, then a ditch.  So car was totaled and uninsured and... .in MY NAME.

About 2 months ago I awoke at 2:30am to the sound of her moaning.  I found her just outside our bedroom window on our deck, sitting at our patio table having phone sex with a guy she went to high school with and hasn't talked to in 10 years.  Their conversation started innocently 3 hours before I caught them with Facebook messenging "hey long time no see, how have you been, etc" to masturbation together 3 hours later while I lay asleep not 10 feet away.  I had spent that day installing a whirlpool tub in our bathroom because she has always wanted one.  That evening, right after I finished putting it in we bathed together in it for the first time.  We got out, were going to continue "things" in the bedroom but she went to check on the kids and at that point responded to this guy on social media and off it went.  

About a minute after she had this affair she took up gambling.  She has never been into that but is now hooked.  She's depleted our property tax account, cashed a bunch of bogus checks, taken out payday loans, not paid any bills, etc.  Last week she was fired from her job (bank asst. Manager) after 9 years employed for the fraudulent checks.  Several days ago I found crystal meth hidden in her closet, then in her car.  

All the while she says she loves me and our family, makes empty promises, and breaks them, sometimes not even 24 hours after being me to believe her this time.  It is nuts.  It's nuts that I've allowed it to continue but as stupid as this sounds, I do believe she loves me.  Not that that should define my decisions to be responsible with my life but how can someone possibly care for another and keep killing them with dishonesty, infidelity, irresponsibility?

She's in therapy which she enjoys and is finally getting some explanations for herself but it doesn't appear to be working outside of her talking like she's "taking action" to change.  I'm afraid she's just manipulating the situating like everything else and using the BPD as another excuse to be a child and do crazy things.  She loves to say "yes I did that and I took accountability for it" or "I admit I did wrong, you never do" all before she goes right back out and does it again.  I've been blamed for every thing she's done.  When I caught her in the act of phone sex, she stayed screaming at me about being a terrible husband, it's all my fault, I don't love her, etc... .

I know I basically answer my own question but has anybody seen a volitile situation as this improve through treatment for BPD?  She is imploding and friends and family obviously tell me to run and let her fall.  She's like a teenager trying to get caught for attention yet rebelling at the very idea of consequences or accountability.

[Meili]

Saying that all of that sounds completely awful would be an understatement; I'm really sorry that you are dealing with and have dealt with all of that!

Yes, it is possible to turn the situation around. It will require hard work on both of your parts.

Can you start doing things to protect yourself like not allowing her to be responsible for paying the bills? Can you reach an agreement with her, perhaps with the help of her counselor, that she won't have access to the funds that are earmarked for other things?

[Groundhog day]

She is at this moment cutoff from money.  The financial damage done is not yet fully known as you know how these things work... .Unpaid expenses are currently popping out from everywhere.  We have 3 kids at home and were already struggling but surviving prior to this last episode.  Christmas less than 2 months away stresses me out to the max.

I've reached out to her counselor multiple times with the position that I'm not looking for any specific information from her about my wife yet want general information on how to help my wife and gain understanding about the condition.  I've offered to pay for this.  She won't respond and (supposedly) told my wife to tell me to stop reaching out.

I've seen another counselor several times who is not versed in personality disorders.  According to her, my wife is seeing the only person in our area that she would even consider for such a thing as I've asked her for other avenues for myself.  Thanks for the advise

[formflier]

Let me join Meili in welcoming you to the site and offer you a virtual hug    for where you find yourself.

I want so assure you that you have found a safe place to discuss these issues and I can tell you that we can guide you to a better life for you.  Those same actions are likely to produce good change in your r/s, but there is no way to tell until you try.

I would suggest that you focus on learning for a week or two before trying anything new.  Change will usually upset the balance of things for a bit, so it is important to be consistent with a change, once you start down a path.

Hang in there! 

FF

[bobcat2014]

Hello groundhog!

I know you are NOT making this up. You did the right thing and cut off the money and the fact you see a T, is encouraging. I will warn that most T are not versed in BPD, or simply manipulated without knowing it. Mine is a real sweetheart in front of her's.

Brother, this vortex of confusion you described, will never make sense to you. You need to cut bait with filling her attention needs and focus on you. This is the only way to better the situation. I make no judgments or recommendations to what you do going forward. I know my situation has mellowed over time, but it is still a very messed up relationship and I always wonder when the next episode will come.

[Sufficating]

Wow, you really can't make that stuff up.  My SO just quit his job (with no other job lined up), smokes weed constantly, online gambles, and watches porn all day.

Through snooping, I saw that he is try to figure out how to get paid for doing online porn.

Also, that he has been secretly meeting up with a female for a while.

I told him to move out today.  He told me everything wrong is my fault, as it always is.