anybody ever consult an intuitive/psychic to try and get some answers?

[truthbeknown]

I recently spoke with a mutual friend of my ex and I didn't want to believe this (or hear it) but she told me to never speak with my ex again because she now believes that she might have been unfaithful to me.  She didn't want to go into details but wanted me to know that based on new information it's possible.

So this got my head spinning and I consulted with two friends that I know that have been known to be very intuitive or as some people would say "psychic".   One of them said that they believed that she slept with several men the last few weeks i was in town to see her.  The other one said, "i don't think she has actually had sex with them but i am getting that she was inviting them over to her house to make her ex crazy and that i just got caught in the cross-fire and also used to make her ex husband jealous." 

I was so emotionally messed up over this I wanted to get some clarity so I did an online thing to see what a 3rd "reading" might offer.   This was a paid reading and it said that she did in fact sleep with several other men the last two weeks i was in town.

Here's the thing:  I dont' know who to believe!   I think I really wanted to know the truth because if she did sleep with someone else maybe it would make it easier for me to look at her in a different way and get over her faster. 

INSTEAD:  I just feel worse now because i can't get images out of my mind that she was doing different things with at least one guy that it might have happened with.   

I am in such a tailspin over this!  I try to be a good man and don't even watch pornography etc because i believe sex is love.  But now i feel so dirty because i can't get these images of her having sex with other guys off my mind and it feels like she just (or somehow i did by my knowledge of this) created negative porn in my own mind.  It hurts so bad.  I'm a grown man and i'm crying since i talked to some people on this.   I don't think i can talk to that mutual friend anymore. 

I know now how Tiger Woods wife must have felt.  It's something even a shower can't wash away. 

does anyone have any success with getting rid of thoughts like this?  hypnosis maybe?   

And the worst part is what if it isn't true?  what if i'm just getting distorted information from the friend (put out by her on purpose) or the people who have intuitive abilities.  Not that i'm going to talk with her again but I wanted to remember that what we had was special but I guess it's not or wasn't. 

[toomanydogs]

Yes, I have consulted both a psychic, whom I've known for 23 years and whom I'd trust with my life, and an online psychic.

The first one (the one I know) I consulted when my H initially left. She saw "women," not one but several. That turned out to be true.

Online psychics I sometimes turn to if I'm having a particularly bad time and need some level of reassurance; however, I don't really trust the ones online. This woman I've known for 23 years I trust her completely. Plus, she's a friend, she loves me, and she always finds a way to impart "bad" news as gently as possible.

The thing with psychics, in my opinion at any rate, is what the real ones do is pick up information primarily from the person they're reading, and they could very well be picking up information you yourself are envisioning.

It's again, why I trust my friend because she has both of us meditate and clear our minds as much as possible.

Is she always right? No. Is she right way more than 50% of the time? Yeah. She actually did a health reading on me and diagnosed osteoporosis before the docs did.

She didn't call it osteoporosis. What she said was that there seemed to be a skeletal issue and I should get it checked out. She works on donation only--a number one criterion for me to judge the worth of a psychic, the fee should always be donation.

She always picked up when my daughter was pregnant. What she kept saying in response to something else my daughter asked was that this was a time in my daughter's life that was pregnant with possibility. She couldn't get the word out of her reading, she just kept saying "pregnant with possibility." When we acknowledged that my daughter was indeed pregnant, she told us, "For what it's worth, I see a girl." My daughter had a girl.

And, finally, an alternate view. My son, who is working on his Ph.D. in Biology and hence a scientist, takes a very dim view of psychics, even the friend I see. He explains away anything she says as having a 50/50 chance of being right and that I only latch on to what she says when she's correct. And my view of my son: his reliance on science to answer all questions is no more valuable than if I rely only on psychic impressions, either from myself or other people.

I've had experiences when I was quite young that make me believe that there are things we simply don't understand, and one of this is psychic intuition. Eventually, in my opinion, there will be an explanation, but for now, I turn to my friend and very infrequently try someone online.

Have a good day,
TMD

[truthbeknown]

Too many dogs:

I'm fairly intuitive myself but this one has me spinning. I think the good ones just know to say things like she doesn't have your best interest at heart etc. Either way I'm not getting back with her but i guess i thought having more info would be helpful. The online psychic was very cheap so they could just be sensationalizing.  For example i gave names of the 2 guys it couldve been and she wouldnt verify that info. I think a true psychic knows what to tell you and what not to tell you (if that makes sense).

Anyway maybe I'm creating my own problems by investigating this?
My mind is trying to understand it.

The last time we were together the sex was mechanical and cold- no cuddling afterward. She just rolled over and went to bed.
If she was starting to sleep around that might explain it?

Anyway its my fault for not having better boundaries that last time. I knew she was behaving weird beforehand and i polyanna-ed it to think that making love to her would fix US. I was wrong.

[itgetsbetter94]

Tbk, I'm so sorry you're hurting (I'm hurting as well, had a major emotional breakdown and cried in my bathtub for half an hour constantly. Sobbing till I vomited. My eyes were puffy and swollen.  And I had an exam today.) It's the worst possible pain I'd ever experienced, and trust me, I went through MANY. I know know know how you feel.

But, friend, you're tormenting yourself even further with those psychics. I'm an absolute sceptic, but even if they were 100% right, does any of that even matter? Don't waste your time, energy and money on them. They exist because people like us exist, needy, broken, hurt, desperately searching for answers.
Turn to therapist/psychiatrist instead. They'll give you much clearer vision.

Did she cheat on you? If you believe that you'll detach faster and easier if you think that she has, than think that. Let it fuel you.

If you want help, seek it from therapist, your family, self help books, yt videos, here, not from some charlatans who use other people's misery for their own gain.

[truthbeknown]

Itgetsbetter: 

thanks for your support.  I think maybe I thought if i verified that she had that it would be easier to get over her- so you're question is right on.  However, even if i tell myself that the online psychic was right it doesn't help me- it makes me feel worse.  I'm a mess right now.  Maybe just today?  things keep flowing back and forth.  What's complicating it is that i'm losing belief that there are either a) good women my age group available or b) that i'm able to trust myself that i won't pick a rotten apple again.  I am feeling naive, and my confidence is shot right now.  I can see how i ignored all the signs.  Things like, "this is my friend (my name)."  She had this planned abortion of the relationship right from the start and i just walked into her minefield.

On the therapist note:  i had one but stopped because she was not a good fit for me.   She kept distorting things that i would tell her.  I think i might try a male therapist but basically the one i was using was just telling me things like "read this book and then we'll talk about it."   

Anyway, I hear you and i know it was some desperate attempt for my mind to get understanding or resolution but it doesn't help. 

I think i need to write an anger letter to her and not send it.  there are so many things that i want to say but i know would never change her etc.  I just wish to get them off my chest!

I'm split on the being mad at her and being mad at me game right now. 

I feel i'm taking on her "broken projection" and she's the one who is broken. These people are magicians at making love disappear!  I was just her rabbit right?  (this is my wounded side talking.  I'm usually more positive then this)

[itgetsbetter94]

I hear you 100%. Your worries are also my worries (are there any decent men out there? Ehat if I pick up a rotten apple again?), and I believe it's normal. My T told me about this phase, where we will be sceptical of love, of finding and loving someone ever again, but she says that will definitely pass. She dated a borderliner for a year when she was a student, so I'm really happy I found her. Try finding a better T, one who will better suit your needs

[truthbeknown]

itgetsbetter94,

My T at first seemed understanding in that she would say things like, "we live in disposable relationship times so it's hard to find something stable these days."    Well even though that was realistic it didn't feel good hearing it from her.  Then she told me that i'm unhealthy and that until i get healthy I probably won't find what I'm looking for.  It's not that she's wrong; its the choice of words just felt unempathetic.

I have to see if i can find someone better suited for me. 

Tonight I did some self therapy. Kind of my own evaluation.  I went over or imagined what would have happened if she had not treated me the way that she did but still didn't want to be in committed relationship.  We might have split on better terms but we still would have split- just less drama.

I think she is just freaked out by relationships and the thought of being with one guy now feels like a trap?  just a guess but who knows. 

And if she is being promiscuous because she is off of her meds then I asked myself " is that someone who you want to be with?"   

[itgetsbetter94]

Ahhh... .to me that will also remain mistery.
My ex had (has) very young and possibly unexperienced psychiatrist who (imagine this-> took my ex of his meds when he started dating me. Ex was taking 8 different meds (at least 3 different antidepressants, 2-3 different mood stabilizers etc. - strong and powerful cocktail) and his psychiatrist left him on only 2 of those  (1 antidep. and 1 mood stabilizer) because my ex was just "so happy" and finally so stable with me. His T was his doctor for last 2 years, he was also his doctor while ex was in the mental hospital. So, he knew him and his disorder quite well.

I often think to myself- what would happen if he didn't took him off his meds? Would my ex still dysregulate? Was the crisis inevitable? Has crisis occured due to the chemical imbalance in his brain?

After we separated for the first time, he called me and texted obsessively, begging me to come back, saying that he loves me, that this is all happening because his doctor took him off so many med in such short time.

I came back, but the next day dysregulation and crises continued even harder. He traumatized me for life. He threatened he'd kill himself, I was out of my wits. These last few days were pure hell. He became mean to me, said he didn't love me anymore, started talking about another woman... .

I  believed, taking him off the medications only speede the process.  If he stayed on his regular dosage, maybe he would remain stable for the next few months, maybe he wouldn't. But the most important thing is- the crisis would be INEVITABLE. It would happen sooner or later.

[truthbeknown]

I have finally made the connection to how the transformation of her feels to me.  It's like being a parent (i have kids) and when they are little, they still admire you and love you.  You are their whole world.  When they hit their teenage years all of a sudden, You don't know anything and they are super rebellious.  I believe this normal stage of autonomy helps them to get a sense of themselves.  The struggle during those teen years is to have boundaries and yet give them their freedom at the same time. Eventually, (in normal situations) they mature and start to experience the world in a way where they can understand that the world doesn't give you everything you want.  There is a give and take etc.
Most typically the children grown into adults and then rebond with the parents.

However, in this BPD world it seems like they start out as our younger children would but then when they go into rebellious mode and treat us like the mean parent who is stopping them from leading their life they paint us black.  The difference is they don't have the capability to mature into that healthy adult stage and come back to center.  It's like they get lost in teenage mode and then find someone else and start the cycle all over again of being their child and then going through the teenage cycle with them.

It's possibly their own groundhog day of child to teenage back to child to teenage cycle. 

We, who take on a relationship with them wish that they would mature and love them like we would our own child and wish the best for them.  As we would be sad if our real child ran away from home and never came back, we are sad they will never be able to come back as mature adults.  If they do come back as rebellious children then we are back into the "mean parent mode" to them and it just doesn't work.  Then we have to kick them out of the house so to speak because of their bad behavior. 

Wish there was a drug to help their brains develop into maturity!  rather then the cocktails used right now which only tend to have hit or miss effects.

[toomanydogs]

itgetsbetter94,

My T at first seemed understanding in that she would say things like, "we live in disposable relationship times so it's hard to find something stable these days."    Well even though that was realistic it didn't feel good hearing it from her.  Then she told me that i'm unhealthy and that until i get healthy I probably won't find what I'm looking for.  It's not that she's wrong; its the choice of words just felt unempathetic.

Wow! What a horrible, dreadful excuse for a therapist. I've been in and out of therapy for more than 40 years (my mom died young and I got totally derailed), and I've never had one that was so cruel. Language is everything.

My opinion? A good therapist will ask you why you think you chose the person chose? What hooked you? What reeled you in?

The point of therapy is to help you live a life that is more satisfying. To you.

There are great therapists. I've had two. I've had good therapists as well, just not great. And I've had some dingbats--those I quit.

Good luck in finding someone better suited, and I'm really sorry you ran into such an idiot of a therapist,
TMD

 

[toomanydogs]

Ahhh... .to me that will also remain mistery.
My ex had (has) very young and possibly unexperienced psychiatrist who (imagine this-> took my ex of his meds when he started dating me. Ex was taking 8 different meds (at least 3 different antidepressants, 2-3 different mood stabilizers etc. - strong and powerful cocktail) and his psychiatrist left him on only 2 of those  (1 antidep. and 1 mood stabilizer) because my ex was just "so happy" and finally so stable with me. His T was his doctor for last 2 years, he was also his doctor while ex was in the mental hospital. So, he knew him and his disorder quite well.

I often think to myself- what would happen if he didn't took him off his meds? Would my ex still dysregulate? Was the crisis inevitable? Has crisis occured due to the chemical imbalance in his brain?

I  believed, taking him off the medications only speede the process.  If he stayed on his regular dosage, maybe he would remain stable for the next few months, maybe he wouldn't. But the most important thing is- the crisis would be INEVITABLE. It would happen sooner or later.

I agree. Regardless of the meds, the destabilization was inevitable. My H was on a cocktail of drugs when I first met him. A doc tapered him down. Then another doc increased his meds. Then H added to the med situation with OTC drugs, including something with lidocaine.

Then he switched meds, then he increased those, tapered off, increased again. Ended up in treatment. Now he's tapered off and is on medical marijuana.

And the cycle continues.

True, I'm jaded, but in opinion, people with BPD will not ever get better until they first decide there is something in themselves that requires addressing.

My H blames his father, me, people he knew years ago, the city in which he lives. He blames the airlines, Apple, the electric company.

He blames everyone. And whines that it's not his fault.

I never asked him to take the "blame," only to realize that his life wasn't working the way he wanted, and that only he could make his life right.

I am completely fed up with people with personality disorders. I don't care if they had bad childhoods. Mine wasn't so great, and I'm not mean. I don't care if they didn't get the breaks they think they deserved. I have massive student loan debt because I didn't have a family who could send me to school.

I have people who love me, who choose to stay around me. I have had great jobs in my life, and, most importantly, I have taken responsibility for when I've screwed up.

I'm not a fan of people with BPD.

Just my two cents on a Thursday morning,

TMD

[NewStart]

Oh yeah, I consulted my BPD/NPDex many times to try to get answers, she was a real psycho... .oh wait, you said psychic... .never mind 

[MeandThee29]

Wow! What a horrible, dreadful excuse for a therapist. I've been in and out of therapy for more than 40 years (my mom died young and I got totally derailed), and I've never had one that was so cruel. Language is everything.

My opinion? A good therapist will ask you why you think you chose the person chose? What hooked you? What reeled you in?

The point of therapy is to help you live a life that is more satisfying. To you.

I agree. Give people some hope! Even if some caution was recommended, they should help you see a better future.

[Pretty Woman]

I lost thousands.
Note: THOUSANDS of dollars consulting psychics after my break up. I wanted them to tell me I was right, she was wrong, and was a horrible person.

Sometimes I would consult the same psychic multiple times and they eventually would pick up on what I wanted to hear and offer to perform a "love" or "rekindling" spell for a few hundred dollars.

I gave these charletans my money. I should have donated that money to St. Jude's Children's Hospital or to a local food pantry. The floorboards in my apartment are currently coming up and I can't do anything to fix them right now.

I could have floored my entire home with hardwood had I not bought into the whole psychic thing!

In the greater scheme of things it doesn't matter if there was another person or not. Your relationship is over. Your ex is not perfect and neither are you.
Right?

Please do not lose your hard earned money giving it away to people who do NOT have your best interests in mind. I am still digging myself out of a hole I created at the end of my relationship, close to four years ago.

What would knowing you were cheated on do? How would it make a difference now? Your ex was bad for you, plain and simple.

The hardest thing I had to do this year, and I did was forgive my ex. I have not spoken to this woman in four years. She has slandered me around town, including my job. Pegged me a rapist, a physical abuser with a temper.

*I will attest to the temper... .out of sheer frustration of not being able to "rationalize" with someone irrational!

Every morning I have a list, in my phone. I recite this list on the way to work:

-I am happy, successful and fulfilled
-I have a warm, comfortable home, inviting to loyal friends and family

etc. etc. Recently I added:

I send love and compassion to ________, ____________. ________________. I wish them happiness, good health and peace.

Those blanks are my ex, the woman (and former friend) she left me for, and her sister.

And the thing is this. I. Mean. It. It is my sincere hope they are all happy. When they are happy they are not bashing me. I don't wish my ex's fiancée to go through the years of psychological turmoil I experienced. Maybe they ARE a better fit. This means I may very well be a better fit for someone else.

It's all good.

It took me years to get to this point. I still get angry at my ex. Occassionally, I will wish revenge on her. But I stop, say "cancel" and then recite what I typed above (I send love and compassion... .).

You need to let go to move forward. Sometimes that letting go comes without having all the answers. You may not have a tangible answer to whether you were being cheated on however you do have one tangible piece it wasn't working:

Your ex left.

Sometimes you just need to work with what you DO have.

I hope this doesn't sound mean, or cold. I would hate for anyone to go through what I did, losing all that money while trying to mend my heart. If you truly are in search of answers spending that to see a good therapist and work through things would be much more beneficial and save you in the longrun... .$$$$

Best wishes!
Pretty Woman