an amazing bond is forming and i'm scared of it

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Recently, I met a woman online from one of the relationship groups that i am in.

In that group we share about damaged relationships like we do here only it's NOT annoymous.  So she messengered me and i responded.  After a few back and forth conversations I was realizing that it might be fun to be friends with her.

She had just gone through a breakup and wound up bouncing her emotions off me to have someone to support her.  I shared (she had seen anyway) about my ex and there we were off and running.  After about 2 weeks of talking and or messaging pretty consistantly she said, "i feel safe with you."   I reacted negatively to that.  It seems to be the kiss of death when i woman says that to me.   Part of me wanted to run but i said to myself "just stay with this and don't over react".   So we talked through it and i explained why it was a trigger for me. 

The next day we were on a video call together and I taught her how to do some EFT and other energy work that i have learned to help her get over her ex.  At this point, as cute as she is I wasn't taking any interest other then being friends because we live two states away.   Then she said, "i'm just sad because i don't want this to end and it seems like it will have to some day."  I talked that through with her and then came back to the conversation the next day and asked her some pointed questions.  I said, listen, if we are just friends then why are you feeling in a way that i will not be around (aware of abandonment patterns possibly coming up).   She confessed that she thought because of the distance and everything that i will find someone to date near me and she would probably do the same and then we couldn't talk like this anymore.

So in the past i would have let these things slide or ignored them because i was with or in the same area with the person. ie.  with my ex we were seeing each other and were intimate when she said, "you're probably not going to want to see me anymore".  That hurt more because we were intimate.  This is new and according to me we were just friends.   So i asked the question,  are you feeling like you can't be friends with someone of the same gender if you are in relationship with someone?  And also, if i lived closer to you would you want to date me or see me as a potential partner (in other words get to know me more in that way).  She affirmed that she would like that if i lived closer. 

So then we got through that and decided to stay in the moment and just enjoy each other without defining it because of the distance.  Once we did that we have been having alot of fun and we do video chats and sing songs together on the phone together and it seems like we can be relaxed and playful and yet we have very deep conversations about spirituality and relationships and the like. 

I look forward to chatting with her everyday and we have so much in common.
she is younger then me and it shows sometimes and my maturity kicks and she responds positively.  No tantrums or anything like that.  She seems to like my maturity and calmness.   

I find myself getting drawn in by how easy it is to talk to her.  She is super smart, kind and responsible with money.   She's putting herself through school and working as she takes credits so that she doesn't go into debt.  She goes and listens to jazz music on the weekend and the last two times she videod me in so i felt like i was on a date with her. It was sweet.  I definitely feel a bond.

so here is my question:  from all the posts i have read and my past experience with bonding with women.  I'm afraid this is too easy?  not sexually because that has n't happened but emotionally i am so transparent with her and visa versa.  It scares me because i like it alot and this is what i want but i'm afraid it isn't real.  I've been hurt in the past and don't trust myself.  Plus there is the distance thing and i'm really getting attached.  We both have what in attachment styles could be considered the anxious attachment styles- although i am only that way after encountering borderlines and avoidants.   Right now i feel pretty secure but there have been a few twinges of insecurity popping up. 

I also don't know if i'm spending too much time with her only to find out later that because of the distance it wouldn't work out and then i've invested time in something futile.  But here's the thing: i'm almost willing to sacrifice that because it feels wonderful interacting with her.

so feedback?  am i going down the wrong path again by opening myself up and allowing my self to get attached to her.  My desire has always been to have a partner that I get along with in this way and like to share interests with. 

There was another woman i was chatting with before her that is established in career and yet i was not "into" her. 

i feel so vulnerable when i start getting attached like this.  please give feedback

[truthbeknown]

Recently, I met a woman online from one of the relationship groups that i am in.

In that group we share about damaged relationships like we do here only it's NOT annoymous.  So she messengered me and i responded.  After a few back and forth conversations I was realizing that it might be fun to be friends with her.

She had just gone through a breakup and wound up bouncing her emotions off me to have someone to support her.  I shared (she had seen anyway) about my ex and there we were off and running.  After about 2 weeks of talking and or messaging pretty consistantly she said, "i feel safe with you."   I reacted negatively to that.  It seems to be the kiss of death when i woman says that to me.   Part of me wanted to run but i said to myself "just stay with this and don't over react".   So we talked through it and i explained why it was a trigger for me. 

The next day we were on a video call together and I taught her how to do some EFT and other energy work that i have learned to help her get over her ex.  At this point, as cute as she is I wasn't taking any interest other then being friends because we live two states away.   Then she said, "i'm just sad because i don't want this to end and it seems like it will have to some day."  I talked that through with her and then came back to the conversation the next day and asked her some pointed questions.  I said, listen, if we are just friends then why are you feeling in a way that i will not be around (aware of abandonment patterns possibly coming up).   She confessed that she thought because of the distance and everything that i will find someone to date near me and she would probably do the same and then we couldn't talk like this anymore.

So in the past i would have let these things slide or ignored them because i was with or in the same area with the person. ie.  with my ex we were seeing each other and were intimate when she said, "you're probably not going to want to see me anymore".  That hurt more because we were intimate.  This is new and according to me we were just friends.   So i asked the question,  are you feeling like you can't be friends with someone of the same gender if you are in relationship with someone?  And also, if i lived closer to you would you want to date me or see me as a potential partner (in other words get to know me more in that way).  She affirmed that she would like that if i lived closer. 

So then we got through that and decided to stay in the moment and just enjoy each other without defining it because of the distance.  Once we did that we have been having alot of fun and we do video chats and sing songs together on the phone together and it seems like we can be relaxed and playful and yet we have very deep conversations about spirituality and relationships and the like. 

I look forward to chatting with her everyday and we have so much in common.
she is younger then me and it shows sometimes and my maturity kicks and she responds positively.  No tantrums or anything like that.  She seems to like my maturity and calmness.   

I find myself getting drawn in by how easy it is to talk to her.  She is super smart, kind and responsible with money.   She's putting herself through school and working as she takes credits so that she doesn't go into debt.  She goes and listens to jazz music on the weekend and the last two times she videod me in so i felt like i was on a date with her. It was sweet.  I definitely feel a bond.

so here is my question:  from all the posts i have read and my past experience with bonding with women.  I'm afraid this is too easy?  not sexually because that has n't happened but emotionally i am so transparent with her and visa versa.  It scares me because i like it alot and this is what i want but i'm afraid it isn't real.  I've been hurt in the past and don't trust myself.  Plus there is the distance thing and i'm really getting attached.  We both have what in attachment styles could be considered the anxious attachment styles- although i am only that way after encountering borderlines and avoidants.   Right now i feel pretty secure but there have been a few twinges of insecurity popping up. 

I also don't know if i'm spending too much time with her only to find out later that because of the distance it wouldn't work out and then i've invested time in something futile.  But here's the thing: i'm almost willing to sacrifice that because it feels wonderful interacting with her.

so feedback?  am i going down the wrong path again by opening myself up and allowing my self to get attached to her.  My desire has always been to have a partner that I get along with in this way and like to share interests with. 

There was another woman i was chatting with before her that is established in career and yet i was not "into" her. 

i feel so vulnerable when i start getting attached like this.  please give feedback

[Insom]

Hi, truthbeknown.  Congrats on meeting someone you're connecting with.    I know this doesn't happen every day.  It sounds like you're feeling pretty vulnerable and perhaps unsure about the status of the relationship because of the distance thing.

so feedback?  am i going down the wrong path again by opening myself up and allowing my self to get attached to her.  My desire has always been to have a partner that I get along with in this way and like to share interests with. 

Would you like to say more about what it feels like to be in this semi-virtual, long distance relationship (where you're connecting by phone an starting to feel attached)?  What's it like getting to know someone this way?  Do you find it easier or harder than meeting and dating IRL?

[truthbeknown]

The only time i've ever had a virtual component to a relationship was with someone right after my divorce.  But it was real and in person and then we would video chat when we weren't together instead of phone calls.  It seemed as the though the video calling was more personal.  So from the beginning we were just chatting on the phone and then I asked to move to video chatting because I wasn't sure if there would or could be a romantic component but it just felt too impersonal to keep doing phone calls if we were going to be connecting alot.  I also wanted to gauge her personality by seeing her reaction to things etc. 

I have an interview that would bring me closer to where she lives but not close enough to be interacting live everyday in person but we have agreed to meet in person next week.   The plan is whether or not we can see a romantic future is to meet in person and just explore this.  I've already stated that i am not interested in any hook ups or anything like that; i simply (if we're going to meet) want it to be as friends first or at least like a dating situation with no expectations of anything else (just to set the stage).   

Last night it got real because I told her the interview was confirmed and since i was passing through I wanted to know if she would meet me at one of the towns that is 4 hours away from where she lives.  She got a little scared and that made me feel better.  It seemed like a normal reaction to be hesitant about meeting some guy that she really only knew from online interactions.  So we talked about a plan that would involve her getting an abnb somewhere in the area for the first night and see if everything felt good and safe to her and then if she wanted to book other nights and it was still an option then we can talk about it.   Again, neither of us seem to feel like we are ready to be "love bombed".   

I have no idea where this is going to go and yet i feel like i want to meet her.  Is that wrong? (i'm asking myself?)  I don't know.   I've been through a lot and on one hand feel guarded but on the other hand feel like meeting will either kill the fantasy we have of each other or build a friendship that's more meaningful.   

If we hit it off in person it would be a very different type of relationship to start.  We may just decide to be friends?  But with my former relationships that seemed cluster b's/ BPD or whatever there was love bombing and physical intimacy very shortly.  Maybe i feel safer having a long distance relationship right now because it makes that harder to accomplish?  Truthfully, as it stands right now i have the emotional connection that i really didn't have from the other partners (except 1) in my prior relationships.   With the prior one that i had an emotional connection with it took going to my brother's on vacation and traveling together for some of the first red flags to come out.    So maybe because everything seems like a crap shoot in relationships right now out there, i'm willng to play it safe with a partner who i can connect with emotionally but not physically?   I am watching myself and trying to understand this but right now i feel like we have fun interacting but it's the typical beginnings of relationships.  From my experience things can change after time goes on.  Maybe we'll get bored of video chatting, maybe we'll meet and she looks different to me or i look different to her?  That is why i want to take the opportunity to meet.  I'd rather kill the fantasy of us early on if that is all we are doing right now.  I think we both want to know this in some way but there is also a fear of that on both sides because we have something cool right now.   

I'm realizing for me that i am a pretty deep guy but on some level in the past the "fun" factor has been something that is a lure to me because i can be so serious by myself.  Part of the beauty of being a dad of 4 kids was at times I could be the silly dad and have fun.  If anyone has seen the Sound of Music,  remember the Captain was so serious until Julie Andrews brought fun and music back into their life.  I've always wished that i would have a good balance of fun and maturity in a partner.  So far this gal has brought the music back into my life but I don't know what the future lies.  Truthfully i'm a little skeptical because i've crashed and burned before, because there are distance barriers etc. etc.    there is a part of me that wants to have hope and there is a part of me that is saying "oh blank here you go again"   

[Skip]

She had just gone through a breakup and wound up bouncing her emotions off me to have someone to support her... . 

It's really hard to coach anyone on these things because it is very much a matter of the heart.

Forgetting about her for a minute... .rebound relationships are notorious for littering the landscape with the carnage of loving rebound partners. Generally, rebounds are rehabilitating relationships. When someone breaks up, there is a huge void to fill. A rebound fills that. There are often complex emotions if someone broke-up (guilt) or was spurned (grief) and a new suitor is a great antidote for these feelings. In short, the rebuild is often a healing bridge from one relationship to the next phase of life.

The thing about rebounds, is that there is this fast attraction, quick emotional intimacy, and high. When the person heal, the relationship often unexpectedly end or breaks down.

How does that play here and is there a way to predict if the is something more than a rebound? I don't have an answer to either question. I have been in two rebounds in my life. They were incredible and then ended unexpectedly.  I swore, after the first one, to never do it again. I encountered another (a decade later) and I thought I had a handle on it, but it ran the same course. Both times, the person made a very substantial life change at the end of the relationship... .and did the "single time" and recovery that they should have done at the end of their relationship. The relationship I was in was a phase in their recovery.

To the re-bounder, this can really soften the blow and the loneliness that happens at the end of a meaningful relationship. The the person involved, it can be confusing, sudden, painful, and a setback.

Be careful. If you look on dating sites, many people won't date others who are divorcing or recently divorced or who haven't had a relationship since their divorce - those are people who were crushed by a rebound or two or watched someone else crushed by a rebound.

[truthbeknown]

Thanks Skip-  I have thought about this and yes i have to be careful.  Right now it might be healing for both of us to be activity partners vs rebound intimacy.  I would be okay with that.  That is something i have thought about alot and know that i can handle.  I think you're right though if it developed into more and then died off again suddenly it might be too much for me to go through again?   

this is why i wanted to come on here and bounce what i was doing off of others because even though i am watching myself without disclosing what i'm doing i might have a tendency to justify it. 

I think this will be a good test of boundaries.  I have to get over any fears of just being put in friend zone because of any rejection buttons it may hit.  If it is meant to be long term relationship then she would be okay with taking things slow (in my mind).    so perhaps a way to vet out whether it is a rebound is to put myself in friend mode?   doing the opposite of what my natural tendencies would be. 

I'm such a connector.  Gosh this is hard!