Knocked down, feeling nothing.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had started to feel some optimism earlier in the year.  For years, I have been working on me without involving my uBPDw.  I acted a lot better over the last two years, and that has made things bearable.  However, this year, I started to  feel that I couldn't last forever in this limbo status in which I keep things steady and more or less unemotional in marriage.  Sure, it keeps the peace, and arguably that provides a good-enough home life for the kids, but in my feelings (that I finally uncovered) were really calling out to end the marriage.  

I resumed a track I had left for about a year, looking divorce things over seriously, and interviewing additional attorneys.  As a result, I have had yet another advisement that it's "cheaper to keep her."  Not only will I pay dearly for a divorce (likely contested, unless she goes fully waif and shuts down). I will pay for long term spousal support, child support, and then she'll have a substantial portion of pension and retirement benefits - essentially never being disentangled.  Adding that to the damage she's most likely to inflict on the kids with blaming, projection, brain washing, and vindictive "revenge" I'm feeling kind of knocked down.  Plus, I was declined marriage counseling through our church (which, in their defense is extremely over-worked, and they said they didn't have the resources for long-term counseling - which I don't hold against them, and I understand, but it just felt like another rejection).

As it is, I am numb and insulated from the joy, and pain, of marriage.  And on the surface, the marriage looks like it's not too bad.  But, I sure feel empty now.  I feel like I had been digging under the fence to escape prison, but I got transferred, and the tunnel's out of reach.

I guess I'm just sharing feelings now.  I know members of this board have had hopes raised and dashed too.  
I'm re-evaluating what I should do from here.  

[SamwizeGamgee]

I had started to feel some optimism earlier in the year.  For years, I have been working on me without involving my uBPDw.  I acted a lot better over the last two years, and that has made things bearable.  However, this year, I started to  feel that I couldn't last forever in this limbo status in which I keep things steady and more or less unemotional in marriage.  Sure, it keeps the peace, and arguably that provides a good-enough home life for the kids, but in my feelings (that I finally uncovered) were really calling out to end the marriage.  

I resumed a track I had left for about a year, looking divorce things over seriously, and interviewing additional attorneys.  As a result, I have had yet another advisement that it's "cheaper to keep her."  Not only will I pay dearly for a divorce (likely contested, unless she goes fully waif and shuts down). I will pay for long term spousal support, child support, and then she'll have a substantial portion of pension and retirement benefits - essentially never being disentangled.  Adding that to the damage she's most likely to inflict on the kids with blaming, projection, brain washing, and vindictive "revenge" I'm feeling kind of knocked down.  Plus, I was declined marriage counseling through our church (which, in their defense is extremely over-worked, and they said they didn't have the resources for long-term counseling - which I don't hold against them, and I understand, but it just felt like another rejection).

As it is, I am numb and insulated from the joy, and pain, of marriage.  And on the surface, the marriage looks like it's not too bad.  But, I sure feel empty now.  I feel like I had been digging under the fence to escape prison, but I got transferred, and the tunnel's out of reach.

I guess I'm just sharing feelings now.  I know members of this board have had hopes raised and dashed too.  
I'm re-evaluating what I should do from here.  

[livednlearned]

Hi SG,

Very few of us make out like bandits in these divorces  

Pretty much every cent I got from my N/BPDx husband went to legal costs. I'm about to finish paying off the last of that debt.

Unexpectedly, tho, my career went platinum during my divorce phase. I finished graduate school. Other avenues of money opened up. My son's counselor was amazing, and helped him get a grip on his dad. I doubled down on therapy and made headway dealing with the things that landed me in dysfunctional relationships.  

The one thing that does not get calculated in a lawyer's office is the pricelessness that goes with peace of mind. Or unexpected turns for the better, like therapeutic breakthroughs or meeting someone stable and loving.

If I remember correctly, your wife suffers from some pretty serious depression, in addition to BPD behaviors?

Can you remind us, too, how old your kids are?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Yes. Thanks for the reply.  I should make clear, I'm not all about the money.  I'm not trying to make out like a bandit at all, or even a business partner.  I'm not trying to deprive anyone from a living, or to reap the rewards of their work (albeit I got paid for work out of the house, while she worked in the house and should get the retirement share too).  It's just the reality of the whole thing really kicked in again last week.  I'd walk from the money if it meant peace of mind.  But, it's eternal entanglement the way things look.  And she'd have a say in court about what I do, or don't do (earn), in retirement also.  And thereby have fresh fodder for the badmouthing and blame.

The fact of getting turned down for counseling was more bitter irony than anything.  I kind of think couples sessions would be the end of the marriage - if I came clean and was honest.

My wife really climbed out of what looked like overt depression last year.  I think inside she's as dark as the abyss, but, she's putting on appearances presently.  D18, D15, S12, D9, D6.

[livednlearned]

I think it's important to get real about the money   and it sounds like you are doing that.

I don't know if it's eternal entanglement in these BPD divorces so much as it is not necessarily a clean break.

After divorce, you won't be done dealing with her, and she will most likely obstruct and stonewall her way through the legal process. She will say mean things about you to the kids. Of course, she may already be doing these things.

For me, the chronic feeling of stress (and fear -- mine was an alcoholic who also abused prescription drugs) was replaced with peaks and valleys.

I milked the peaks for all they were worth