"I have a hard time with the giving up and moving on."
I really think there is a lot to think about here. How do we "face the facts" so we can do what is healthy for us? When I read your thread you sound like there was something to work out here. You say it wasn't that bad. Is that reality? It sounds horrible to me. You seem to be torturing yourself with the memories of the moments that were good and thinking she could have just worked a bit harder at it and things would be fine. You went through the up and down cycle so many times. There was nothing for her to work out. This is who she is and who she wants to be. How do you get to the point of accepting this?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=180011.msg12089980#msg12089980Right now I am being given the silent treatment. We are in about the 5th or 6th round of the make up break up cycle. I don't even know how many times it is now because it's starting to get blurry. It went from distinct break ups to silent treatments, to "I need space" texts, to "I love you so much, let's make this work".
Oh, I see... .
Well, I don't know. It's really weird.
While the intensity of my feelings have diminished a bit, I still think we'll get back together and everything will be ok. Maybe the probability of that has dropped, but it's still kind of strong.
And, of course, I mostly tell the bad here -- the things that had me perplexed and distraught. The other side of this person is the most loving, affectionate, caring person I have ever been in a relationship with. What is real?
I told my therapist yesterday I have a hard time integrating it all. I think the "good her" is the "real her" and the seemingly uncaring/distant/fickle part is just a defense mechanism, not a true reflection of who she is.
How do I get to the point of accepting this?
I don't know. I'm aware that this breakup is really weird from any other breakup I've had with other women. Usually, there's a sort of standard grieving process I go through, then get on with life. This one is different in that my mind has been racing, trying to understand, and so on. Now, part of that may be that I've just learned to cope differently, maybe I've grown up a little. For instance, this time I vowed not to be with anyone else to fill the feeling of emptiness. That's a plus, I think. However, I also never really tried to make intricate sense of a relationship, to analyze, to dissect.
I realize that I am in a sort of trance or something. People I've told the story to, including my new therapist have extreme reactions of just how f--ked it all is. But it's all just words to me. It doesn't reach me. I feel like they don't get it. Maybe the emotions/bond where so strong for me that I still can't see it all that objectively.
I spent a lot of time looking for validation that it was all messed up and toxic because something in me knows it is, but somehow my sensor for that became and STILL is very weak.
Maybe it's some sort of PTSD-like thing? I don't know. Hardly anything gets thru to me. I mean, it's like a tiny sliver at a time. A hundred people can say ":)ude, that story is the most f--ked up thing I've ever heard" and I hear "Hey, just trying to side with you since you're my friend and I can see you are having a hard time accepting this person didn't stick around. Let's talk about something else. Move on bro, don't be so heavy." I feel like no one gets how important she was to me because I just tell the twisted stuff, so it sounds like there was no incentive ever. From my perspective, it is VERY hard to let go.
When I met this girl and all seemed perfect, I decided that no obstacles would separate us. Civilization could collapse and we'd stick together through it. I don't think I ever considered that obstacle might be her. But when I realized that might be the case, I still wouldn't give up.
And even now, when I have no idea what she's doing, I still haven't given up.
What do I do to give up? When will I give up? I really don't have an answer. Maybe it's still slowly unraveling in my mind?
