It's Been A Long Time

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am literally gonna lose my mind! I just spoke to the therapist at DD's RTC, and she said how she knows for a fact there are intensive outpatient facilities in our area! I asked her point blank. I said how she seems to really be pushing for DD to come home. She said how she has seen a tremendous improvement in DD since she's been there. I asked how she can say that after seeing everything that's happened since DD has been home. She said she feels that DD just has to have structure and boundaries put in place and be kept busy to be succesful. She said she wouldn't be able to put in a recommendation for a group home because of how things went during the home passes and that it would take at least 30 days for DD to maintain for her to do the recommendation. I said but she can recommend she come home? She said because I was hoping for DD to start school next week is why she suggested an earlier discharge but that honestly, she feels DD staying there for a few more months and doing home passes for a while is her recommendation. WOW!

[raytamtay3]

I am literally gonna lose my mind! I just spoke to the therapist at DD's RTC, and she said how she knows for a fact there are intensive outpatient facilities in our area! I asked her point blank. I said how she seems to really be pushing for DD to come home. She said how she has seen a tremendous improvement in DD since she's been there. I asked how she can say that after seeing everything that's happened since DD has been home. She said she feels that DD just has to have structure and boundaries put in place and be kept busy to be succesful. She said she wouldn't be able to put in a recommendation for a group home because of how things went during the home passes and that it would take at least 30 days for DD to maintain for her to do the recommendation. I said but she can recommend she come home? She said because I was hoping for DD to start school next week is why she suggested an earlier discharge but that honestly, she feels DD staying there for a few more months and doing home passes for a while is her recommendation. WOW!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Doesn't the RTC have a treatment team meeting to make these decisions and recommendations?

[raytamtay3]

You know - I really do question my own santity. With that said, I decided, again, to move forward with giving  :)D one final chance coming home with the agreement that if things go south again, she will need to return to an RTC.  I spoke to her CM who advised the process wouldn't be as intense as it was the first time which is peace of mind for me.

I had a meeting this morning with the IEP team at the HS she will attend. The IEP team said they have heard she has made "tremendous progress since starting at the program", and how the IEP team at the RTC said she is extremely bright and capable.

She will have a shortened day 8:00 - 1:30 at the HS.  I'm also setting up Rehab After School to have them pick her up from school and I will then pick her up after work. Services are being placed at home too with a family therapist and a phchatrist for continued medication monitoring.

I will give DD one final chance to prove herself. Wish me luck.

[lbjnltx]

You really are setting her up for success raytamtay!

I pray she will stay on the path you have laid out before her.

lbj

[raytamtay3]

It looks like DD16 is going to be discharged tomorrow and I teeter between excitement and anxiety.  I know this is normal.  

We had home visit this past weekend.  The one day we had a "problem" in that I told her two friends she had over to celebrate her B-Day had to leave by 12:00 am to which she replied ok... . Not only before they came over, but an hour before 12.  Welp 12 rolls around and she begged me relentlessly to let them stay over (one was a boy - um no).  I stuck to my boundary with a lot of resistance from her. I gave DD the opportunity to tell them herself before I did and she delayed it so I burst into her room and told them they needed to go now. Which "embarrassed her". Oh well! She was warned!  

The boy was able to get a ride but the girl said she had nowhere else to go (bullsh*t).  I told her I was sorry, but that wasn't my problem as I told DD they needed to leave by 12. DD said she was leaving with the girl then because she refused to let her sleep on the street (the boy was able to arrange a ride for her as well). She cursed me out as usual and did leave the house when the two walked out, but hid outside and came knocking at the door 5 minutes later.  Other than that, the other couple of days went well.  I do realize things are not going to change overnight.  But I am proud of myself for sticking to my boundaries.  The old me would have given in and let them stay.  I'm a work in progress too.  Please keep us in your thoughts!  Oh and I spoke to her CM who said it would only require paperwork and interviews to get DD back into a program should things go south. That gives a bit of peace of mind. Wouldn't have to get the law involved this time.  Oh wait, there as another incident when we went to the shore one day. DD relentlessly badgered me to allow her to get her tongue pierced and I stuck to my boundary of "no" again.  It felt good.    I would give in just to avoid her wrath, but it made me so much stronger not this time and seeing that hell didn't freeze over!

In an effort to not have DD roam the streets, I am allowing her friends over with the understanding no drugs in the house and when they have to go, they need to go.  :)H is an only child grew up with a single  mother who didn't allow anyone in the house.  So this too is a bit of an adjustment for him.  But I'd rather have them stay home where I know my kids are safe and I can watch them.

PS: The girl who would not leave willingly is forbidden from ever coming over again.

[lbjnltx]

It does feel good to take back some control of our own lives, parent affectively by saying NO and sticking to it for all the right reasons.

I understand about having the kids at your house... .my house was always full of other people's children... .my husband didn't like it much and so we would find a balance of getting everyone's needs met (IE kids over when husband was not home, girlfriends spend the nite on nites my husband stayed in the city).

Keep up the good parenting!

[raytamtay3]

1/2 hour left until I pick DD16 up for discharge. Nerves are shot!

[raytamtay3]

Day one home and she came home by curfew! Woo hoo!  ;

[mggt]

Good News

[raytamtay3]

Weekend went very well! No problems whatsoever.   . First day of school tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

[raytamtay3]

Feeling a little bad for DD. She is not happy over the fact she is in "special ed" due to her IEP for emotional disturbance classification.  The reality is it can be temporary, based on her behavior.  But I can't help but feel her anxiety over the fact she's in high school now (she's a junior), and feeling like she has a stigma attached to her. She remains in the same class room all day including during lunch.  I tried to validate her feelings today (when she text'd me saying how sad she was), and explained that it could be temporary contingent upon how well she does, how it's in an effort to help her catch up and that we will get through this together.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I'm happy that your daughter's first days home from the RTC have been going well, and hope very much that she sees light at the end of the tunnel with school... .Letting her know that her behavior could change her restrictions could motivate her to do the right things, and was a very good maneuver, raytamtay3. Just as good as keeping to your boundaries (showing her that you are the Mom and she is the child) 

Keep up the good work 

You know we are all pulling for you and your family... .

[raytamtay3]

Thanks Rapt. We had a rough morning in that she ended up missing the bus because she wanted to get a shower too late.  Voices got raised on both ends.  I realize I have to control myself when faced with stressful situations. Working on it.    I ended up having to drive her to school. She was there very early considering, which was a natural consequence. But she went which is still a huge accomplishment from the past.  I see she is really trying. I apologized for raising my voice and commended her on doing well thus far.  I told her however that we cannot have a repeat of today as I also have my son (her brother) to get to school in the morning. She said she knows.

I'm really trying not to be so gun shy.  This fear of things going back to how they were causes me unnecessary anxiety.  I have to stop dwelling on the past. Working on it. Ugh.

[Rapt Reader]

I apologized for raising my voice and commended her on doing well thus far.  I told her however that we cannot have a repeat of today as I also have my son (her brother) to get to school in the morning. She said she knows.

That was great! 

I'm really trying not to be so gun shy.  This fear of things going back to how they were causes me unnecessary anxiety.  I have to stop dwelling on the past. Working on it. Ugh.

I felt exactly the same way after my own son came home after his almost-month at the Dual Diagnosis Center... .I kept thinking he would relapse and things would go back to the way they were before he got clean and sober, and started his recovery process. I felt like I had PTSD over his/our traumatic past, and was terrified of the pain and trauma starting again.

That was when I found this site (a week after his discharge), started reading all I could on this site--and the Parenting Board--looking for something we could do to put something new into his future going from that day forward, in order to "shake things up" so he wouldn't fall into old patterns. So I wouldn't fall into old patterns of communicating with him, so that he wouldn't relapse once again as in the past.

The 2 things that headed off a relapse, and which contributed to his ongoing recovery (still to this day! He's been clean and sober and soldiering on in a positive direction for almost 2 1/2 years now  ), were:

1). My learning, practicing and getting better at Validation, S.E.T. and detachment from taking what he says and does personally, and

2). His starting and continuing with Neurofeedback Therapy (something I learned about from lbjnltx's story about her daughter on this site).

Keep hanging in there, keep learning what you can from this Family of yours here, and practicing what you are learning... .You will only get better and stronger with time, as will she. And as you see her responding positively to your efforts, it will get easier to do the right things, too 

[raytamtay3]

We are in week two and still things are going very well.    Tomorrow we have our intake session for DD to begin the Rehab After School Program.  While she isn't thrilled about it, she isn't fighting me on going.  In fact, we have not argued much at all and when we do, it has not gotten to even a smidgen of the level it had in the past!  We have this mutual respect thing going on right now and so far it's working nicely.  Also the lines of communication are open.  She tells me a lot of things and I keep and open mind and don't react to some of the less desirable topics.  As long as she is coming home on time, going to school, not having anyone in the house when we aren't home, and being respectful (basically following the house rules), she pretty much can do as she pleases - within reason of course.  I realize she is a teenager and is going to do teenage things and as of right now, they are "normal" teenage things.

Maybe she finally realizes life at home isn't as terrible as she imagined afterall!

I still hate this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop but hopefully as time goes on, that feeling will fade as well.

[lbjnltx]

Good news raytamtay!

Practicing mindfulness can help with the anxiety.  If your d is like mine she is hypersensitive to others energy, tone, emotions, etc... .and can pick up on it.

lbj

[raytamtay3]

My mother, who is on hospice services but doing well and moves around the house freely aside from a walker and oxegan machine, mentioned that DD asked to use the house phone in her bedroom yesterday because her cell wasn't working, which raised a red flag.  So DH checked the video tape last night (we have cameras installed with one facing my mother's bedroom), and saw DD going in mother's bedroom when mother was in the restroom, and then later asking mother if she could use the house phone (with mother in tow at which point DD said never mind about the phone)... .It also showed DD putting something in her bra as she was coming out while mother was in restroom... .my mother is on Xanax and pain meds, but keeps them on her now, however, has a box in her room that contains a bottle of less potent pain meds (which today I put in my room under lock and key).  So we are thinking DD might have taken those.  We also have video of DD going out the backdoor out of camera view and then running down our driveway in the front and towards the road (obstructed view by trees) shortly after leaving mother's room with stuffing something in her bra, and then returning home 5 minutes later.  Before she went away, she was stealing Xanax from my mother and we believe selling them... .I think she took a bottle of something, took some out after leaving the room, and then wanted to return the bottle but mother was in tow... .

My mother, DH and I have discussed this and my mother and I think we should sit DD down (all three of us) and tell her that we know she has been in mother's room and that she has taken something.  Not necessarily saying we have it on tape although DD will suspect that anyway as she knows from the past.  She will probably even asked to see the video after I'm sure denying it or coming up with an excuse as to why she was in mother's room when she has been told she was not allowed in there.

DH thinks we shouldn't tell her.  He things she will just be more sneaky and by us not telling her, we can keep catching her.  My thought is, what's the sense of catching her if we aren't going to bring her attention to it? My thought it DH would rather we just keep getting the proof and then sending her off again.  My mother and I feel by maybe letting DD we know what she is doing will deter her and gently reminding her that if it continues, she will have to face the consequences.  Which she knows is going back to an RTC.  

Thoughts?

PS: DH said "see, nothing has changed".  But that isn't true. DD has been home on time for curfew all but once in the two weeks she's been home. So yes, there has been improvement. Grr.  

[infiniteeyes]

Hi Raytamtay3

Yes I can see this is a tricky situation.

Its similar to what happened with my DD16 a few weeks ago. She has been using my cell as hers was cut off as a consequence for getting arrested. She asked to use mine a few times and I usually let her. However I had installed a call recorder on mine as DD had been getting threatening phone calls from some girls. Thats another story but anyway DD was aware of the call recorder but must have forgotten.

So one night after her using my cell I, like you, became suspicious and listened back to her calls and I was right, she was arranging to go buy drugs.

I was like your DH considering not confronting her on it and waiting to see what other "evidence" I could uncover.

But I couldnt hold back and confronted her on it. Like your DD there was the usual denial in the face of the facts.

The reason I did tell her I knew, was because I dont want to be shown to be sneaky and back handed in the same ways Im trying to teach her not to be.

I think honesty is always the best policy.

And at least ur DD can get a chance to explain herself. And you are correct in saying it might deter her from doing this again.

Best of Luck x

[lbjnltx]

 

If it were my d stealing rx meds and/or selling stolen rx meds she would already be on her way back to the rtc.

[raytamtay3]

That Talk is going to have to wait for another day. Dd Had off from school today saying she was sick, and the rule is no going out after a sick day which she is not happy about. Been badgering me all afternoon saying she feels better now and why am i punishing her. I explained it isnt punishment

Its the rule. Doors slammed. Things falling all wall. Knocking on my door when i went t lay down saying if she cant go out i cant sleep. Standing firm.

[raytamtay3]

If it were my d stealing rx meds and/or selling stolen rx meds she would already be on her way back to the rtc.

Right now its a suspicion not fact yet. Need more proof. Thats the problem.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[infiniteeyes]

That Talk is going to have to wait for another day. Dd Had off from school today saying she was sick, and the rule is no going out after a sick day which she is not happy about. Been badgering me all afternoon saying she feels better now and why am i punishing her. I explained it isnt punishment

Its the rule. Doors slammed. Things falling all wall. Knocking on my door when i went t lay down saying if she cant go out i cant sleep. Standing firm.

sounds like our DD's could be twins

[raytamtay3]

I know! When I read your first post I think I mentioned how they sounded alike! Isnt it fun? Ugh.

[infiniteeyes]

No definitely not fun but not a dull moment either. Im currently sitting waiting on my DD back from a house party.

Shes got 40 mins til curfew tic tock tick tock 

[raytamtay3]

I must say, the "old" DD would have left the house anyway. The fact that she hasnt is pretty amazing. Thats why I need concrete proof of what was taken from moms room. Meds are all accounted for so far. Dh is supposed to show me the video tonight. I havent seen it yet. I guess im still hoping against hope. :'(

[infiniteeyes]

Hoping against hope is what we do best raytamtay3 I think thats what keeps us going.

I really hope that things settle down a bit. My DD gets extremely aggressive too when shes not allowed out. Tonight she wanted to go out of town but I settled for letting her out if she stays in town. Like you, Im hoping against hope that she is where she says she is and that she gets herself home on time. I know she is drinking so Im a little worried.

[GaGrl]

Ronald Reagan quote: "Trust, but verify."

Is there an opportunity to reiterate consequences?

[raytamtay3]

Ronald Reagan quote: "Trust, but verify."

Is there an opportunity to reiterate consequences?

My DD knows what they are.  I don't want to beat her with it. I think that would do much more harm than good.

[Rapt Reader]

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