New to dialog board

[Manuela]

Hello,
I am a new member.  I am seeking insight on who I am with a daughter that has BPD traits and how I trigger her.  She has extreme behaviors and I appear to be the root cause of a lot that isn't working for her.  She is 32 yrs old and does well in her environment, but chooses to limit her relationships with her family.  We respect her rights to do so, but would love to have a healthy relationship with her.

I am currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and have 1 confidant that I am able to talk to.

Thank you for creating this site, and to bring awareness / insights to how we can coexist that can be healthy and loving.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Manuela

I, too, thank whoever it was who created this site way-back-when.  I did not find it until a couple of years ago and what a life-saver it has been for me... .and I hope it will be the same for you, too.

"Stop Walking on Eggshells" is indeed a good book regarding BPD.  It is one of a number of books I have read.  On top of that, all the info that is on this website is invaluable... .and there are links to more.

Seems you and I share a similar burden... .we, as the Moms, are being blamed for our daughters' problems.  (Hard to fathom that we have so much power, huh?)  Mind you, there have been times when I have been her hero (heroine) but just when I have gotten lulled into thinking she and I have turned a corner, the pedestal has been knocked out from under me.  Then I am back to being her nemesis.

You write that you "would love to have a healthy relationship with her"... ."but she chooses to limit her relationships with her family."  As long as it is a civil relationship, Manuela, that may well be the relationship you and the family will ever have with her.  That may be all she will be able to handle.   In all aspects of life, no amount of planning/wanting guarantees the outcome we want.

That is not to say you stop doing your homework, becoming aware of the triggers that set her off and then learning how you can handle situations differently. 

So, welcoming you again, Manuela.  None of us want to be here... .but we are... .and changes can happen... .but they have to start with us.  Bottom line is that we can't change anyone else but we can change ourselves... .then the cycle is broken. 

Hope you keep sharing with us.  So nice to read the posts of others, realize none of us are alone... .that others are in the trenches, too.

Huat

[Merlot]

Hi Manuela

I welcome you along with Huat who offers you some sound guidance.

I can hear from your post that you are already gaining some validation and insights into BPD from reading Walking on Egg shells and other's posts.

We really do understand what you are going through. I can totally relate to being loved one minute and the cause of all her problems the next. This time last year, my DD27 delivered a warm speech at my 50th full of love and admiration for her mother. Today I have been cut off for 6 months and have been told I have no soul and am no longer her mother.

But like you, I am here learning to build a beyter relationship.

Has something significant happened recently that brought you here? Do you have family support?

We'd love to hear more, parents are a wonderful source of support and guidance for you.

Hope to hear from you soon 

Merlot