How to deal with gfBPD pathological lying and Attention/Reassurance seeking

[jflc]

my BPD gf lies pathologically from the smallest to the biggest things - she also keeps needing reassurance that she is wanted and that i wont leave her and that she is loved - in the most unhealthy ways. She keeps saying she wont see me for a week, making false threats of all kinds so that I keep running after her and she feels validated - and no matter how much I run or proove that I love her and want her and wont leave her, she irrationally keeps doing that non stop... sometimes she feels completely loved, and soon shell make the games so I go after her and she feels loved again.

How do I deal with the pathological lies?

How should I deal with her constant recurrent needs for feeling loved even though theyre irrational?

:'(

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[MissTajo]

my BPD gf lies pathologically from the smallest to the biggest things - she also keeps needing reassurance that she is wanted and that i wont leave her and that she is loved - in the most unhealthy ways. She keeps saying she wont see me for a week, making false threats of all kinds so that I keep running after her and she feels validated - and no matter how much I run or proove that I love her and want her and wont leave her, she irrationally keeps doing that non stop... sometimes she feels completely loved, and soon shell make the games so I go after her and she feels loved again.

How do I deal with the pathological lies?

How should I deal with her constant recurrent needs for feeling loved even though theyre irrational?

:'(

I go trough the exact same thing with my bf. He needs validation 24/7. And if I don't give the attention he wants he threatens not to visit me so often (he lives 2 hours away and comes to see me, and his therapist, every week) . You don't really "cure" this for them. The best way to deal with it is by talking to them and breath deep because you will have to repeat yourself a lot! They will always need validation. You will always have to give it to her. Patience is the key I guess... .    Say "I Love You" a lot. Say you need her a lot. thats it... .

[Stalwart]

I feel for you jflc and certainly have had a lot of experience with my dBPD wife in the past ten years with both problems.

I can only advise you from my perspective and experience. I always found the need to reinforce your love and commitment to her bewildering and a huge concern. Actually what concerned me was keeping that sincere and not having I love you so much become a rhetoric statement that meant nothing to her. I had no idea until a year ago what was wrong with my wife though.

Today, different story. The need is so real in my wife to have our relationship verified constantly but I  now understand that need. Hey really now, think about it – that’s a real need in any relationship that isn’t influenced by this illness. Remember their needs and feelings are X10 what a ‘normal’ persons are.

I’d suggest two things, first: Pay attention to that need. She really NEEDS to know on a constant basis that you love her, are there to help support her needs and protect her from her fears. I now find it a pleasure to meet this need for my wife. Now that I understand the illness and the need. (I’m just thankful I’m not that needy but it must be a pretty desperate feeling all the time.) It’s not difficult to do. The small things that I really should have been doing all along (even if it weren’t for her illness). The second to send an email during the day to say I love, miss you, can’t wait to see you. The odd phone call during the day just to say I was thinking about you and wish I were there. Also paying attention to those same things in person. The occasional extra card just for no reason but the fact I love her. The odd flowers and they don’t have to be expensive, even cheapies at the grocery store do the trick. Just to say I thought about you today and hey, I love you. Something she can see and hold on to when you’re not there. Reassurance.

It’s the same needs any woman has in even the most normal of relationships jflc. The question is, are you able to do that for her and to ensure you both have a close and better relationship? I now find it a total pleasure and could kick my behind for not having been that way the whole time. I should have been, that’s what you do when you love a woman – tell her, show her, let her know.

The second piece of advice is a bit darker. I don’t know how high functioning your GF is but careful, because if you don’t meet those needs there are certainly lots of other guys lurking out there that will for their own purposes. Remember she NEEDS that from you, or from someone. Sorry, sounds harsh and may totally not apply to your GF, but it’s a nasty reality in a lot of cases with BPD spouses. Fact is they can carry on two relationships with ease and you may not even know it, I didn’t and I’m not a naïve person.

Pathological lying is far more complicated to even address. Depends on what the lies are about and exactly why she FEELS she needs to not tell the truth to you. Is it to avoid humiliation, pain, or fear of the truth harming your relationship. Complicated stuff when it’s really difficult to weave through her thinking. There will certainly be reasons in HER MIND to JUSTIFY her lying, or the need to eliminate information of stretch truths. It’s finding out what they are and finding a way to have her understand she doesn’t need to. Tougher job but hey, if you’re in for the hall it’s one you’re going to have to cross if you want to bring harmony to your relationship.

[Stalwart]

"I go trough the exact same thing with my bf. He needs validation 24/7. And if I don't give the attention he wants he threatens not to visit me so often (he lives 2 hours away and comes to see me, and his therapist, every week) . You don't really "cure" this for them. The best way to deal with it is by talking to them and breath deep because you will have to repeat yourself a lot! They will always need validation. You will always have to give it to her. Patience is the key I guess... .    Say "I Love You" a lot. Say you need her a lot. thats it... . "

Best advice you could have given MissTajo I like this a lot... . Great information jflc.

[waverider]

How do I deal with the pathological lies?

This has it's basis in a feeling of worthlessness, so to be worthy she needs to hide behind facades and fears being found out for being who she is. Hence lies about totally unnecessary things

How should I deal with her constant recurrent needs for feeling loved even though theyre irrational?

This is neediness in action. Neediness cannot not be met as it is not the need of the moment that is the issue, it is the process of neediness itself. The black hole principle, you can pour everything you have into it, you wont fill it, you will just eventually be drained of everything you have, and there will be nothing to show for it, the neediness will be as strong as ever.

Needy people often have a long history of people who have tried to save them, but ultimately have given up and left feeling bitter about it.

The more you meet a need need the more you validate her requesting it. This fuels it.

How to deal with it? That is a hard question,. The first thing is to see past the immediate need and the motivation behind it. Ask yourself what happens if I dont meet this need and allow her to do it herself. Get into the habit of not constantly repeating yourself.

You have to start living true to yourself and let her bond with you rather than you trying to bond with her. Otherwise she uses the threat of breaking that bond to validate herself

[maxen]

my w lied about big things and small. she lied by omission and commission, she lied about lying. i came to realize that it was on account of shame, or, more exactly, the fear of being judged or contradicted. she seemed very easy influenced (attachment issues, lack of core sense of self), and took mere opinions as expectations and even commands. not wanting to face this, she lied. some lies were bound to be discovered, which baffled me. one example: when we got the new dog, i didn't want it to get in the habit of sleeping on the bed. probably silly of me, but there you are. so she said "oh i would never allow the dog on the bed!" and that evening when i came home, there was the dog beside her on the bed. the correct answer would have been, "aw come on maxen, she's so freakin' cute, how can i not let the dog on the bed?" and she'd have been right.

but some were not bound to be discovered, like how much she drank and spent, which she revealed to me after she bolted.

how to deal with this i don't know. a relationship should be one long exercise in honesty. you're dealing with a phantom if she's habitually lying.

[Stalwart]

jflc in rereading your post I just zoomed in on this statement. Again I can only speak from my own perspective with my own take on my situation as I've experienced it. My wife however, is not the only person in my life that has this illness.

"How should I deal with her constant recurrent needs for feeling loved even though theyre irrational?"

I've been really studying this illness once I became aware of it and this is a really good site as well especially for the tools and the ability to communicate with others.

I've learned this much for myself that I had to totally change my way of thinking and recognize that some people with this illness don't necessary live in the same 'logic' that we do. When you say she is irrational I had to learn to understand that she isn't. How she thinks about some things is her rationality, (certainly foreign to my rationality)it is how she experiences things and her rationality in most cases is as real to her as it may be irrational to you or I.

It's trying to really hone in and understand her rationality that can help to make a difference and in some cases, especially when really troubled and dysfunctional that's no simple task. Her feelings of needing reassurance are not in any way irrational to her. They are her reality and her NEED.

No one can predict another person's actions, however the more my wife came to realize the truth I was saying in how much I loved her and the more she began to trust that developed a real game changer. You may find if you can establish that same trust in your relationship that the need to 'perform' to prove it diminishes. But the need to constantly reinforce it through words and gestures may never change. Like I said I find it totally pleasurable now to do all those small things everyday, week and month like texts, emails, quick phone calls and small personal purchases to show that to her. So does she and along with a lot of other changes on both our parts that's one of the big game changers in our life.

Fact is, you're the one with the logic and rational. You're the one with the strength, werewithal and mental ability to change the game for the better. She isn't. Having said that, she is the only one who can actually chose to change herself, her habits and her own thinking. Your interaction with her is everything in bringing the trust to your relationship though. I love my wife but I detest her illness. Sometimes it having to seperate the two and put them in their proper perspective that makes it easier to accept some of the radical ideas that vary from the norms that you've known or thought should exist in a relationship in the past.

It's work to love someone with this illness, but it's work to love someone in any realtionship if you want it to remain strong and healthy. The needs may be greater in a relationship with a person inflicted with this illness, again, the question is; Are the rewards worth it to you?

My greatest hope for her and for you that the answer to that is yes and that you can both find happiness together.  

[bravhart1]

ironic... .

my husband who was in a r/s with a BPD, is now always asking me if I know how much he loves me!

guess we all get conditioned after a while... .

[Traumatized]

you're dealing with a phantom if she's habitually lying.

I like that line.  I think I'm dealing with a "phantom menace"... . even worse than that Star Wars movie!  She broke the same exact promise to me 4 times this week.  Each time she claimed she never made the promise... . and each time she turned it around against me.  I could show her proof via a text she sent me two days ago reiterating the promise, but that would be a waste of time.  She is unwilling to take responsibility for her actions.

It's frustrating!

All I can think of to do is validate what I think is really going on inside of her.  The lies are there for a reason and in order to keep going in this relationship, I've got to get inside of them and decipher them.  It's like being a detective.