Lost Identity

[TryHardHusband]

Hi all,

Just a husband who is reading Walking on Eggshells for the second time. Decided to join and be an active participant in this community. I have always had a caretaking personality and suffer from low self esteem that has only gotten worse. My wife has the conventional type of BPD. She does go to therapy weekly and admittedly has improved some over the years. I feel like I've lost some of my identity over the years and am working on my own internal toxic shame. Recently, my wife has violated a boundary of mine and has gaslighted me for feeling hurt and angry. How have others been successful at enforcing boundaries? How have you worked on your own self esteem and detaching with love?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

The term “enforcing boundaries” implies that cooperation is needed from our loved one.

The truth about boundaries is that they are simply ways that we choose to participate or not. There is nothing cooperative about them at all.

For example:
If your partner spends too much on the joint account for personal items, you open separate accounts and close the joint one.

If you don’t want to hear yelled insults, you politely leave the room.

If your spouse wakes you up in the middle of the night to argue, you sleep elsewhere.

Yes, these can be difficult to do, but the only one “enforcing” them is you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[Jabiru]

I'd echo Cat for boundary stuff. For reclaiming your identity, go out and do stuff by yourself sometimes: visit friends or family, go to a concert or event, or just go for a walk. I make it so I have an hour of "me time" every day. And a solo trip every now and then.

[TryHardHusband]

She generally gets very angry at me when I try to do things for myself. I also feel/fear that she takes my absence out on our son. She is very capable but something about me doing stuff for myself seems to trigger her. How do you get over that fear of even asking to do things for myself? I exercise frequently so that is one boundary I've been successful with but it feels like I need more.

[Cat Familiar]

You cannot please her in these circumstances of doing something you desire, so anger is something you’ll have to endure. Ironically, by trying to avoid her getting angry, you’ve taught her that you will respond to her anger and she can use it to control your behavior.

It won’t be easy, since this pattern is apparently set in stone, but over time, she won’t be as angry when you go do something for yourself, because her anger will no longer serve to get her the outcome she wants.

When behaviors no longer get the desired response, they will be abandoned. But it won’t happen over night and you have to be consistent in not giving in to being manipulated by her anger. If you give in, even once, to her anger, then you will confirm that it still works, and it will be a major setback.

That will require you making a change in yourself—to tolerate her disapproval.

This requires a big commitment on your part. You might try it with a small behavior that irritates her, then build upon your success. You’ve got to be 100% committed to do this successfully.

[SaltyDawg]

CF is right.

Here is a good book on how to tame the Borderline and/or Narcissist:

Best book to deal with this IMHO is:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
Book by Margalis Fjelstad

I was able to check it out from my local library system.