Suicide threats

[Hope4Joy]

My (undiagnosed, never going to therapy, won’t let me go to therapy) husband threatens suicide when he blows up. He says he doesn’t want to exist. If he kills himself it will be because of the way I have treated him. He won’t go through divorce if that comes up he is just going to off himself. The first time it came up in the heat of the moment he told me at the end of the argument that it was just a tool, like he wasn’t serious. He does mention other times when things aren’t so heated. I think a friend of his may have some idea but I don’t know if he knows it’s probably more serious than just talk.  I haven’t told anyone for fear of how he will react to others knowing.  It feels so irresponsible to not tell anyone and not get help. How can you tell if they are serious? Any ideas on getting help or telling anyone?

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[maxsterling]

I have heard mention of suicide from my wife at least 3 dozen times since we have been together.  Prior to meeting her, I can't remember anyone in my life ever mentioning wanting to hurt him/herself. I knew early on in my r/s that my W had attempted in her past, but she made it sound like that was a distant past. 

My first experience with my W wanting to hurt herself was about 4-5 months after meeting and her trying to jump out of my car while I was driving.  The last time she mentioned suicide was last night.  I watched her attempt suicide once, and watched paramedics take her away on a stretcher.  I am traumatized by this and have a very difficult time dealing with it when she says she wants to hurt herself. 

For awhile I would call 911 every time she mentioned suicide if she refused to call a suicide help line on her own.  I've probably called 10 times.  I don't think that was the wrong thing to do.  Now when I hear it I wait to see if there is something more than just the words - something to indicate that she has actually given it some thought.   One time she said she was going to leave in her car and go to a parking lot or hotel and kill herself.  To me that is much more serious than just saying "I want to kill myself".  I called 911 - they sent a helicopter after her car - and she basically told police that she was not serious and they didn't do anything.   Another time I was staying at a friends house to be away from abuse, and she messaged me and told me that I would find her dead body when I got home.  I called 911.  Again, they didn't do anything because W basically said she was not serious. 

There is no easy answer here.  You would not be wrong to call for help every time he makes that threat.  My guess is that if he has no prior history of attempts, 99% of his threats are to manipulate you.  Since they remining 1% is life/death, I think you can't dismiss any of them.  The ones I would be especially concerned with is if he mentions any other detail, such as how, when, where, etc he wants to kill himself.  That tells me he has thought about it prior to his threat. 

This is really tough to deal with.  Do your very best to take care of yourself and not internalize this.

[Hope4Joy]

Definitely no history except for the last couple of years. When he first told me about anything beyond “I don’t want to exist” he said he had put a gun to his head and a sling around his neck. The time he went for a gun during an argument I did go to call 911 which resulted in a struggle over the phone.

We live in the country and I worry when I hear a gun shot and he isn’t at the house. But when I try to tell him how I have anxiety about losing him - trying to tell him I care for him - he replies how could I be making this about me.

[Jennadog]

I can relate. My never going to therapy bf talks about suicide frequently and I agree, it feels irresponsible to not do anything about it. He has said many times in the past that he would never do it but it still comes up frequently. He will often mimic shooting himself or slitting his throat, tells me to put him out of his misery. Sometimes I react poorly with a "here we go again with this". I don't mean to, it is just so frustrating sometimes.

The problem is, it never comes up in calm conversation. He never says, "I am having suicidal thoughts right now" It always comes up in an argument, after he has gone on the defense and said some hurtful things to me, which puts me in a place where compassion is much more difficult. I want to always be tender with him in his moments of pain but he just makes it so hard because the lead up to it is always so confrontational.

I need support too and its hard to always be the one having to put my sadness and stress aside to address his needs. I am working on it but it is very difficult. I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in feeling unsure of what to do when the topic of suicide comes up.

[Ventak]

I would advise that you set a boundary around this issue.  Let him know that you are very concerned for his life and that if he threatens suicide again, you will take that threat very seriously and call (911, suicide hotline, other source).  Then, follow through.  Every time.

There are two possibilities here.  One, he is using this to upset and manipulate you.  Two, he is serious at that moment.  If it is the first, then you are creating a consequence for horrendous behavior.  If it is the second, you may be saving his life.  If it helps give you the strength to follow through... consider which is the worst:  He rages at you for "embarrassing" him or being "vindictive" or the like; or he kills himself / attempts to kill himself and you live with the consequences of having not done anything.  Remember that boundaries are for you, not for them.

I keep reminding myself that I am the only emotionally mature person in this relationship and need to make all the emotionally responsible decisions.  Easier said than done, I'm afraid and my track record isn't as good as I wish... but this site is helping me become better.