Here we go again… What to do?

[Mr. Kelly]

OK… I think I understand.

So I should absolutely, really, keep my mouth shut about anything related to how I feel, or what I have been experiencing over the last week, and I should only go there to listen…

She will likely want for me to say something… And typically, which I’ve gotten much better at, I mostly say, “I care about you, and I will try as hard as I can to do whatever I can to make you feel wanted and needed and cared about“.

Should I be limiting my responses to mostly that kind of sentiment?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

one of the best ways to listen is to ask questions.

why does she think youre not right for each other?

[Mr. Kelly]

one of the best ways to listen is to ask questions.

why does she think youre not right for each other?

I do ask a lot of questions… Maybe too many… :-)

Is one of the questions that I should ask her “why do you not think we are right for each other?”, Or are you asking me that… Why does she think we are not right for each other?

[Mr. Kelly]

Do you think it is at all useful for me to ask questions like…

-What have you been experiencing this past week?

-What have you been thinking about regarding me, and what was it that made you distance for the past week?

I’m guessing the answer is no, don’t ask these kinds of questions…

My gut is telling me to go in there and say nothing, ask nothing, and expect nothing, and just hear what she has to say… Then maybe end it with a “I’ll do the best I can to be the best I can for you, if that’s acceptable”.

[once removed]

I’m guessing the answer is no, don’t ask these kinds of questions…

i wouldnt.

i was asking you, but im also suggesting when she says things like that, inquire further. listen, dont argue, or assert your point of view.

My gut is telling me to go in there and say nothing, ask nothing, and expect nothing, and just hear what she has to say… Then maybe end it with a “I’ll do the best I can to be the best I can for you, if that’s acceptable”.

and/or just show her a fun time.

[Mr. Kelly]

I suspect she will be incapable of having a fun time…

She will be telling me that her work is continuing to stress her out and how she doesn’t think she can do it anymore… And her life is miserable. That kind of thing. She’s in a tough space. She always seems to be. That’s probably the borderline in her.

I think it sometimes irks her when I just try to have fun in such circumstances. I think she’s going to want to try to absorb as much energy as she can regarding her and I, and she will likely be wanting to hear all my wisdoms, as I usually convey them.  It’s that same wisdom that comes back to bite me in the rear, when it doesn’t align with her expectation of me.

Well, she has said over and over that she thinks we are just too different, which I think is silly, because all partners seem to be different… But we do have areas that we constantly struggle with, or at least she is struggling with me…

We differ politically, which is the main thing. I think it gets under her skin when she hears me say anything regarding politics. It gets under my skin when I hear her spewing the hatred that she often does, but I’ve been able to let go of that somewhat. Still, I know it’s a strong bone of contention between us.

Plus, I think she keeps score… Whenever I say something that may contradict something that she has said, or implies that I have a different opinion on something, it’s often stored in her brain, and comes out with hostility during a split…

Here is a simple example, she was saying a couple of weeks ago that she couldn’t understand why I didn’t put an air conditioner in my main window… And I avoided telling her why, and then she later repeated that I should put an air conditioner in there, and finally, I told her why I didn’t do that, and what led me to think that I may refrain from doing that.

Something as innocuous as that often makes her feel like I don’t listen to her, and that I am a know it all, etc. Again, it’s all in her brain. It’s about perception. Even if I’ve done a ton of research on something, and will tell her what I have researched, if it contradicts something she has already suggested to me, she takes that as a slight.

I told her before her last big split back in April that I was researching putting solar panels on the house. She came up with every conceivable reason why solar panels were a bad idea. When I calmly and matter-of-factly explained all the research that I had done, it contradicted almost everything that she said. I could tell that she wanted no part of that conversation and felt pissed that I was contradicting her.

It almost feels like I can talk about almost nothing with her, because if I say something that contradicts something that she says, It almost always comes back as “you never listen to me, and you constantly belittle what I tell you”.

It’s a power struggle, and most of the time she doesn’t have the tools to win. I don’t care about the power struggle part of it. I just like to know about things, and I research stuff, and I like to talk about stuff and compare ideas. To her, that is arguing and debating. It gets under her skin to no end.

It would almost seem like if her and I were to move in together, or something, within weeks, we could barely talk to each other, because anything I say would be taken as hostile or out of context.

It’s hard to say which end is up or down with this girl.

And you wonder why I would want to stay with her? Well, she has a whole different side to her personality that is a loving, thoughtful and giving. Maybe that’s just an illusion, though, I couldn’t tell you.

[formflier]

and/or just show her a fun time.

Big picture:  Resist "talking" about a relaxing safe relationship...put your focus on "doing" one of those relationships...there is plenty of time to talk later.

Now...if she wants to talk now..listen now.  Instead of asking "interview questions" with specificity...ask very broad open ended questions and...listen.

Prepare for a lighthearted and hopefully fun way of looking at a serious point.

her:  blah blah blah...we are NOT right for each other...you need to use deodorant...I don't like that booger peeking out of your nose and quit turning me into a newt...I might think you are a witch (FF bonus points available if you name the reference).

So..look at all those invitations to fight/argue/jade...let's pick one of them...you could JADE and explain that a proctologist moonlighting as an ENT doc certified you booger free and since you have that certification it must mean she has bad eyesight and that probably affected your relationship and if she got a DBT workbook, answered thoughtfully about what she had been doing for the past week and admitted to the pain she caused you by falsely accusing you of "booger peeking" and would get her own nose checked then...just possibly...she might have a future with you...

or

(in a chill way) "Wow...I'm listening, tell me more."

 

Keep repeating to yourself..be chill and listen.  

You've got this.

Best,

FF

[once removed]

Well, she has said over and over that she thinks we are just too different, which I think is silly, because all partners seem to be different… But we do have areas that we constantly struggle with, or at least she is struggling with me…

then she isnt wrong.

the question is whether or not you can overcome those things as a couple, and to do that, you by and large need to find new, healthier/more compatible dynamics, ways of approaching these things.

for example, some couples fight a lot more than average, but are otherwise a strong couple. thats because it isnt about the amount of fights, its how the two of them deal with them, how they treat each other, whether they resolve them, or what they do if they cant resolve them.

Something as innocuous as that often makes her feel like I don’t listen to her, and that I am a know it all, etc. Again, it’s all in her brain. It’s about perception.

some of this is inevitable. you love a highly sensitive person, prone to easily feeling rejected, slighted, criticized, or invalidated.

i wouldnt necessarily say its all in her brain. her brain exaggerates it, and makes her more prone to feeling strongly about innocuous things, but in the bigger picture, shes insecure and feels in a "one down" position (to some extent, she probably always will), and there may be things that you say or do that reinforce that dynamic. i had the same problem, and in retrospect, in a lot of ways, my ex wasnt wrong.

[Mr. Kelly]

Well, in so many ways, it really comes down to her.

I think I have always done, and will do, my part. I have always been pretty good at listening to what she says and responding calmly. In a typical situation, I would probably get five gold stars with the way I have been calm and sensitive and reaffirming. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I think it’s considerably more her inability to regulate her emotions, then it is anything I have ever done or will do, with perhaps the exception of just a few times.

I am glad you guys have been able to offer pointers and suggestions. I am certainly going to try to implement the strategies.

All I can do is the best I can do, I suppose. I’m certainly not the life of the party, so it’s gonna be hard to go there and have fun. But I can go there and listen, and be sympathetic, and try to be thoughtful. That’s what I do all the time, so I suppose tomorrow will be no different.

[Mr. Kelly]

Yes, she is probably not wrong. Just who I am in the world likely makes her feel invalidated. I’m kind of brainy, and she’s kind of reactionary. Maybe that’s just not the right combination for her. I guess she wouldn’t be wrong in that regard.

Where she may be wrong, is that we have some really powerful things that we do have in common, that in my opinion, way overshadow the pitfalls of the aforementioned things that we don’t do well with.

Those are the things that I’ve always tried to prioritize and point out to her.  I think that’s what keeps her going. She feels the same strengths, but the weaknesses knock her around.

[formflier]

  always tried to prioritize and point out to her.  

Just a thought...anything you are like "I've always done x"...you should probably sit that on the shelf for a while.

Chill..listen...no newts..

Best,

FF

[Mr. Kelly]

Is it a bad idea to add any details about what I have been experiencing over the last week? I’ve really missed her and have not been doing well.

I guess I am supposed to go there and just refrain from any indications of negative energy, and try to remain completely positive and fun?

She is going to be very negative. It’s going to be really hard not to respond to some of that with my own truth.  It almost seems that my own truth is not relevant in the situation, which seems really stifling.

[once removed]

Is it a bad idea to add any details about what I have been experiencing over the last week? I’ve really missed her and have not been doing well.

think about it. what is she supposed to do with that information? in what way would it be constructive or improve your relationship?

She is going to be very negative. It’s going to be really hard not to respond to some of that with my own truth.  It almost seems that my own truth is not relevant in the situation, which seems really stifling.

maybe. wait and see.

your truth is relevant. what you do with it is another matter. think of it as trying a new dynamic, approaching things in a new way. youre learning a new way of communicating; like learning a new style of essay writing, its always uncomfortable and awkward, and then you master it.

[Mr. Kelly]

think about it. what is she supposed to do with that information? in what way would it be constructive or improve your relationship?

maybe. wait and see.

your truth is relevant. what you do with it is another matter. think of it as trying a new dynamic, approaching things in a new way.

Your points are really good ones, but a relationship is supposed to be about two people validating each others truths and adding to them in a positive way.  I’m not sure what your suggestion is saying about that.

I know that she is not likely to be able to use that information usefully at that particular moment… But what about moving forward? Do I have to just swallow anything that I feel may be pertinent to my own self development, particularly if it involves her or her behavior?

[once removed]

Your points are really good ones, but a relationship is supposed to be about two people validating each others truths and adding to them in a positive way.  I’m not sure what your suggestion is saying about that.

this will never be an equal relationship in that regard; that is something your loved one struggles with.

ideally, two people in a relationship make each other laugh. sometimes one partner isnt funny.

sometimes these are valid deal breakers and differences between two people. sometimes theyre just differences, that other things make up for. thats a very personal call.

I know that she is not likely to be able to use that information usefully at that particular moment… But what about moving forward? Do I have to just swallow anything that I feel may be pertinent to my own self development, particularly if it involves her or her behavior?

it isnt a black and white thing. im not suggesting stifling yourself in general, so much as recognizing where she is, where you are, and the context of the situation. youre talking about heavy stuff, in a time where its only going to drag things down. you want to let her know shes hurt you; im not suggesting you suck it up and ignore it, im suggesting that you find constructive outlets.

[Mr. Kelly]

Point well taken… I saw a video recently that said just that… We are not going to change these ladies, or gentlemen, so we need to find different outlets to bring us validity and pleasure, and learn to appreciate what it is about our relationships that is good, and not continue to lament what isn’t.

Ironically, I have been so much better at that over the last six months… It just seems like my lady friend goes from one excuse to another to push me away.  on the other hand, it’s always been that way.

Should I refrain from making any kind of suggestions tomorrow? For example, this may have even rubbed her wrong last week… But I said to her on numerous occasions, “if you need to take some time for yourself, I want you to do that. I want you to be able to be comfortable getting together and coming over to my house. If you need to say no to me, I want you to know that it is OK for you to do that“.

I get the impression she may feel annoyed when I say stuff like that. I don’t know exactly what annoys her. It could be that it sounds condescending, as if she isn’t capable of figuring these things out on her own… Or maybe it tells her that I don’t really care whether I’m with her or not…

Maybe I’ve answered my own question.

[once removed]

Should I refrain from making any kind of suggestions tomorrow? For example, this may have even rubbed her wrong last week… But I said to her on numerous occasions, “if you need to take some time for yourself, I want you to do that. I want you to be able to be comfortable getting together and coming over to my house. If you need to say no to me, I want you to know that it is OK for you to do that“.

I get the impression she may feel annoyed when I say stuff like that. I don’t know exactly what annoys her. It could be that it sounds condescending, as if she isn’t capable of figuring these things out on her own… Or maybe it tells her that I don’t really care whether I’m with her or not…

i have the tendency to do that sort of thing myself.

think about it. adults dont need to be told theyre allowed to say no. its well intentioned, but it can be perceived as talking down to someone, a trap a lot of us fall into. yes, it could send mixed signals or come off as wishy washy as well.

[Mr. Kelly]

I have to say, I have always had the capacity to annoy people with how I present myself… I didn’t grow up anywhere around here where I am, and I think I somewhat speak a different language than the average person here does…

I look differently, I speak differently… And I think that that could be problematic with a girl like my partner, who is local… I think she sometimes interprets my demeanor as being “an elitist“, or a brainiac. I think that makes her feel insecure.  

I don’t try to be those things. It’s just who I am in the world, like it or not. I don’t really want to dumb down for anyone, or not be interested in the things that I am, or not convey things to people that I feel are important to me.

That may go to compatibility, though… If I am not compatible to her, since who I am pushing her buttons, then maybe we are getting closer to finding out what tomorrows walk is going to reveal.

[Mr. Kelly]

I think me saying those kinds of things to her is my own insecurity coming out. I think I want to convey to her that I am open minded, eager to please her, and will do what I can to be flexible.

That likely comes from a place of neediness, and the need to be excepted, then it does for what I would really want. I wanted her to come over. She didn’t. I tried to not make her feel badly about it. Maybe I should’ve just told her how I felt, which is that I missed her and I wished she would have come.

[Mr. Kelly]

Should I fess up and tell her that I was upset about things that happened?

For example, she didn’t call me back when she said she would. I do have a way that is pretty good about turning those things around… Instead of saying “I was upset that you didn’t call me back“. Often times, I will try to say something like, “you know, if you tell me that you were going to call me, can you try to make sure that you call me back? Sometimes, it hurts my feelings when that happens.”

Is that not a productive kind of way of bringing something like that up?

Plus, what do I do if she starts saying the usual stuff like “I don’t think you and I are on the same page”. Do I just not say anything and let it go? Do I say, “well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I will respect your wishes on it.”

There’s part of me that suspects that she is black and white on that. Sometimes it’s gray, sometimes she’s triggered. Deep down, I know she cares about me and wants to make it work. How do I straddle that line without allowing her to let me go?

How do I handle the negativity that she is likely going to toss my way?

[once removed]

its the balance of navigating the world, of navigating relationships.

there are things about all of us. some of them are who we are. some of them are things we can change. some are both. some are compatible with others, some are not. some are things that are hard to see, until we do, and then its up to us what, if anything, we do about it.

while i think this is true for women in general, people with bpd traits do not deal well with our insecurity or neediness. it has to do with the fear of engulfment, it has to do with a lack of skill, and it has to do with their own neediness; of having a "rock" in their lives.

fair? it doesnt feel like it. but, as a guy that can be pretty needy, ive found its just a "men are from mars, women are from venus" kind of thing. i can decide "well, im a needy person and i am who i am", or i can adapt.

For example, she didn’t call me back when she said she would. I do have a way that is pretty good about turning those things around… Instead of saying “I was upset that you didn’t call me back“. Often times, I will try to say something like, “you know, if you tell me that you were going to call me, can you try to make sure that you call me back? Sometimes, it hurts my feelings when that happens.”

its not, in this case, about what you say or not. its the context. youre trying to save a relationship. its just not the time to vent your hurts.

Plus, what do I do if she starts saying the usual stuff like “I don’t think you and I are on the same page”. Do I just not say anything and let it go? Do I say, “well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I will respect your wishes on it.”

listen. ask why. genuinely seek to learn more and better understand.

the number one thing that is necessary in a relationship with someone with bpd traits (any relationship, really) is empathy; understanding where a person is coming from.

if she says "i dont think you and i are on the same page", she isnt wrong; its a valid belief, one you happen to disagree with. if you want to be on the same page, you have to start from that place of acceptance, and you have to understand it; understand where shes coming from. only then can you change it.

that, by the way, is validation in a nutshell.

[once removed]

think about it. if you were seeing someone who said "you just dont do it for me in bed", you wouldnt say "of course i do!", right?

youd want to know why, and what you can do differently. maybe it can change, maybe its an incompatibility.

[Mr. Kelly]

OK with all of those things that you say in mind… What would be my response when she says that we are just not on the same page…

Would I say, “well, you are saying that it’s really important for you that we are on the same page… What can we do, or what can I do, to perhaps make that better?“

That would be my typical response in that kind of situation. Is this going to seem too eager to her? What will I say?  If I say nothing, I kind of feel like I am agreeing with her.  

[once removed]

i think that would be fine.

or like FF has suggested, just lettering her know youre interested in hearing why she thinks that. thinking it over isnt agreeing with her. its emotional regulation, its thoughtfulness, its resisting fear, and its just a good way to process information.

it also catches people off guard, in a good way.

[once removed]

that, by the way, is not to say you can never talk about how you feel.

its to defer it for a better time. often times, its better to invite the other person to speak, let some time pass, perhaps revisit it in order to learn more (their answer can change), and then, maybe, revisit it again, and state how you feel. one way of doing that would be simply to talk about the aspects of your relationship you really like, the things you think are really strong. she will be more likely to hear that, and to consider that, if you do the above.

this is one example, by the way. its not a blanket answer for what to do every time feelings come up or an opinion is expressed.

[Mr. Kelly]

Interesting… Let me put some thought into it… :-)

So, what would I do to proceed if she doesn’t offer any olive branches, and things seem to be left open ended… Meaning… I get together with her tomorrow, we have coffee, we chit chat… Then she has to leave.

Typically, in that situation, by that point, we would have clarified where we were headed, and we would have made some formal declaration of intent.

If I don’t feel any declarations of intent, should I let it go, and consider it at least a positive interaction, and then be considering the next move, or should I bring up at the end… “So… Where does that leave us?“

[kells76]

another perspective to add:

If I told my DH (about whatever issue, or our relationship, or anything high-emotion) that I didn't think we were on the same page...

it'd mean a LOT to me if he said "tell me more"... and meant it (tone, body language, etc).

Sometimes saying "Why do you think that", depending on the tone, can come across as accusatory -- like it isn't a justified thought or feeling.

It's great that you are thinking of how to make it better:

Would I say, “well, you are saying that it’s really important for you that we are on the same page… What can we do, or what can I do, to perhaps make that better?“

That would be my typical response in that kind of situation. Is this going to seem too eager to her? What will I say?  If I say nothing, I kind of feel like I am agreeing with her.  

Consider, maybe, not leading with that. It could, as you are wondering, come across not the way you intend (I think you intend "helpful" and "wanting to fix things"; it could come across as "I have no time to listen to you, and want to get right to the fixing part")

It could have a good place in the interaction after a long time of really, actively listening to her.

...

Other "validating questions"/"validating phrases", besides "tell me more", could be:

"I'm listening... what else is going on?"

"yes... yeah... uh huh" (again, tone/body language of warmth, interest)

"that makes a lot of sense"

"I'd love to hear more"

"how did you feel about that"

"oh wow... uh huh"

"that makes sense that you feel that way"

...

Just my 2 cents -- I'd probably stay away from the "Why do you... why did you... " starts to questions, and I'd try to save any "how can we fix this" to after listening to her and how she feels.

I know for me, if I tell my DH something like "I've just been feeling overwhelmed thinking of our friend who had a stroke" and he leads with "How about you send him a card", I get angry because I feel like he isn't picking up on how I don't need any ideas of what to do, what I want is someone empathetic to see me and how I'm feeling in that moment.

Really glad you are here posting and figuring stuff out.

[Mr. Kelly]

another perspective to add:

If I told my DH (about whatever issue, or our relationship, or anything high-emotion) that I didn't think we were on the same page...

it'd mean a LOT to me if he said "tell me more"... and meant it (tone, body language, etc).

Sometimes saying "Why do you think that", depending on the tone, can come across as accusatory -- like it isn't a justified thought or feeling.

It's great that you are thinking of how to make it better:

Consider, maybe, not leading with that. It could, as you are wondering, come across not the way you intend (I think you intend "helpful" and "wanting to fix things"; it could come across as "I have no time to listen to you, and want to get right to the fixing part")

It could have a good place in the interaction after a long time of really, actively listening to her.

...

Other "validating questions"/"validating phrases", besides "tell me more", could be:

"I'm listening... what else is going on?"

"yes... yeah... uh huh" (again, tone/body language of warmth, interest)

"that makes a lot of sense"

"I'd love to hear more"

"how did you feel about that"

"oh wow... uh huh"

"that makes sense that you feel that way"

...

Just my 2 cents -- I'd probably stay away from the "Why do you... why did you... " starts to questions, and I'd try to save any "how can we fix this" to after listening to her and how she feels.

I know for me, if I tell my DH something like "I've just been feeling overwhelmed thinking of our friend who had a stroke" and he leads with "How about you send him a card", I get angry because I feel like he isn't picking up on how I don't need any ideas of what to do, what I want is someone empathetic to see me and how I'm feeling in that moment.

Really glad you are here posting and figuring stuff out.

Thank you… I really appreciate your input and your ideas.

If you don’t mind me asking, what does DH mean, other than designated hitter? :-)

I get a sense that I was trying too hard to offer ideas and suggestions, and it came across as either needy, condescending, or just plain annoying.

Is there anything I could do or say to help undo that sentiment, if I annoyed her or make her feel uncomfortable?

[kells76]

I don't mind one bit!

If you don’t mind me asking, what does DH mean, other than designated hitter? :-)

"dear husband". It's an acronym that gets some use across the boards. Sometimes you may see "DS" or "DD" for dear son/dear daughter as well. I don't see "DW" a lot and will refrain from commenting there 

I get a sense that I was trying too hard to offer ideas and suggestions, and it came across as either needy, condescending, or just plain annoying.

That's a great insight to have. Offering ideas and suggestions can sometimes communicate the exact opposite of what we intend. I suspect your intent with offering solutions could be:

"I care so much about you, I don't want you to be in pain or discomfort, I want to make it go away for you so you will have peace, doing X will fix things"

Unfortunately, the act of offering those ideas/solutions can communicate:

"I care so little about you, I don't want to hear about your pain or discomfort, I want to make your feelings go away, doing X will fix things"

Helping a partner feel heard and be heard first makes a huge difference.

It can be uncomfortable to sit with their uncomfortable, painful feelings, though.

Maybe in another thread, it could be useful to dig in to "hmmm... I wonder why my immediate reaction is to try to solve things for other people... where could that have come from"

...

Is there anything I could do or say to help undo that sentiment, if I annoyed her or make her feel uncomfortable?

I think OR, FF, and I are all pointing to the same thing from our different angles:

while there are no "magic words", there can be (I almost hesitate to say it) "magic attitudes" to bring to these interactions. Where the focus isn't on "OK, now is the time when I say "I hear what you are saying" in a stilted manner, because someone told me to say that"... the focus is on an inner stance of "I am ready to listen openly and without judgment to what my significant other has to communicate, and I am ready to do so warmly and with validation, being genuinely interested in whatever s/he feels and shares, and having empathy for how s/he could feel that way in that circumstance"

Hope that helps, and I'm sure OR and FF will be along again too!

-kells76

[Mr. Kelly]

I don't mind one bit!

"dear husband". It's an acronym that gets some use across the boards. Sometimes you may see "DS" or "DD" for dear son/dear daughter as well. I don't see "DW" a lot and will refrain from commenting there  

That's a great insight to have. Offering ideas and suggestions can sometimes communicate the exact opposite of what we intend. I suspect your intent with offering solutions could be:

"I care so much about you, I don't want you to be in pain or discomfort, I want to make it go away for you so you will have peace, doing X will fix things"

Unfortunately, the act of offering those ideas/solutions can communicate:

"I care so little about you, I don't want to hear about your pain or discomfort, I want to make your feelings go away, doing X will fix things"

Helping a partner feel heard and be heard first makes a huge difference.

It can be uncomfortable to sit with their uncomfortable, painful feelings, though.

Maybe in another thread, it could be useful to dig in to "hmmm... I wonder why my immediate reaction is to try to solve things for other people... where could that have come from"

...

I think OR, FF, and I are all pointing to the same thing from our different angles:

while there are no "magic words", there can be (I almost hesitate to say it) "magic attitudes" to bring to these interactions. Where the focus isn't on "OK, now is the time when I say "I hear what you are saying" in a stilted manner, because someone told me to say that"... the focus is on an inner stance of "I am ready to listen openly and without judgment to what my significant other has to communicate, and I am ready to do so warmly and with validation, being genuinely interested in whatever s/he feels and shares, and having empathy for how s/he could feel that way in that circumstance"

Hope that helps, and I'm sure OR and FF will be along again too!

-kells76

All excellent thoughts… Thank you.

However, I know… I know… This is going to feel like I am trying to validate my own perspective… but I think I actually already DO many of those things… Almost each and every time we have gotten together for a talk like this, it’s mostly her that does the talking for the longest time, and I just try to listen, and understand, and validate.

It usually works at those times, until it doesn’t.  I think what happens, is that in day-to-day struggles, I start to feel that the axe might be coming down for some reason, and I start to get overly sensitive to things that happen, and I make choices that I think drive her way… I didn’t send her texts in the morning, for example, the night after she forgot to call me back when she says she would… Maybe she sees those things and are hurt by them.  I guess it’s fruitless to try to figure it out.

I am still a little baffled by what to do or say if there is no declaration at the end of our time tomorrow… No clarity, or if she says “I don’t think I can do this anymore, it’s just too hard“. I suspect, if she says those things, it’s more of a pain and suffering, then it is that she doesn’t love me, which she would say she does.

How will I handle that? What would I say after that?