BPD Cycles

[wish_list]

Does anyone feel like BPD behavior comes in cycles. It's once a week or one a month or once every couple of months that they have their meltdown. Just wondering what everyone's experience has been.

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[blackorchid]

Mine seemed to have massive deregulation’s  every 9 months or so

[wish_list]

lucky you .. I seem to be on a two month cycle 

[Ventak]

My BPDw was every 2-6 weeks, usually 4... until she went off her meds and then it escalated dramatically.  She's had two that I've heard of since the NC order was put in place two months ago, so hopefully her classes are helping her get back to "normal".

[Mr. Kelly]

Out of curiosity, what are you guys experiencing from your partners during their “cycles“?

For my on and off again GF, it seems like things go well for about a month, and then for about 10 days they start to go downhill, and then she completely splits, and breaks up with me… Usually with repeated very nasty and insulting texts…

The usual break up period Is between a week and a month.

It’s only been four days for this one, and she didn’t formally break up this time around. I really don’t know what to do. It feels the same as every other cycle, and they will probably have been 10 of them in the last year and a half.

[Ventak]

For my BPDw, on meds, it was a bad episode that lasted 3 hours to 3 days.. with a few days of "looks" and "attitude" before the meltdown.  The first few years she would go until she had me completely broken, a sobbing heap of humanity on the floor or in the closet (complete darkness helps me when I'm broken).  Eventually she knew all my triggers and I learned to dissociate, so my complete breakdowns slowed to about one in ten times.  Ironically, she took that as a sign that she was getting better at dealing with her BPD, and eventually (after I got good at leaving the room early on in her meltdown phase) she decided that she was cured and that it was me that was the problem.  In her mind, me leaving her meltdown was translated into me storming off in anger... though it was in reality me leaving before I would let myself reach the point of anger.

Somewhere in her meltdown phase there was almost always her yelling that she wanted a divorce, and since our twins were born 2.5 years ago the threat that she was going to take them to California or Mexico and I couldn't stop her.

[wish_list]

during the "crazy" period, they will accuse you of anything to be the victim. Something that you said will trigger a tantrum and a week of cold shoulder and bad attitude and silent treatment. That something on a normal day would not be an issue.. but during the crazies, it gets them into a tantrum.
Then he will slowly come out of it, a week or two.. . But during those times, he is pretty nasty. Lucky for him he is a good provider and no physical violence .. yet.. so we stick around.

[NonnyMouse]

I'm starting to think my wife's episodes are linked to her period. She's always on the edge of anger (although I don't let her escalate) but every month or so it gets really bad. That's when the divorce threats are worst, and her telling me I'm kidnapping her by not leaving the house. And it lasts about five days.

I've started to look at the calendar to see what events are planned around that time of the month!

It will be starting in the next few days. Wish me luck!

[Moon_of_hope]

Hi,

When I was with my bpd partner if she was more stressed her cycles would be more frequent. However now we are apart I can see things from different angle. I’ve now noticed on reflection her splitting mainly happened whilst we was apart her emotional regulation was out of control and she would split or break down over very silly arguements she would go as far as self harming herself mainly around self hate for herself. Towards end she she got verbally abusive with me. I do feel it wouldn’t of got out of control as it did being apart. Feel when alone it was easy for her to get in her head and out of control. And when I was with her it was easier as I would be an emotional caretaker for her.  She’s completely blocked me on everything which I’m devastated about and I still want her to come back. But I also know that if she does I need to set down my limits of what’s acceptable. I recently read walking on eggshells great book really really helped me understand and validate my experience and gain knowledge around how to know myself better or deal with bpd behaviour in the future. 

[once removed]

as much as it may feel that way, there is no rhyme or reason, or "cycle", and you will lose yourself trying to identify it as such.

you love a difficult person who struggles with regulating their emotions. whos emotions are easily flared, especially when it comes to perceived criticism, or stress, or any other particular trigger.

thats not to be gloom and doom about it; there are ways in which our loved ones might improve, and there are, often times, ways in which we make things worse, areas where we might improve. but being difficult, and with reasonable frequency, is a hallmark of the disorder, and of being a highly sensitive person.

whats going on? what are you experiencing lately?

[tvda]

It's "funny" to see a question about if BPD behaviour comes in cycles... Because that is one of the defining features of a relationship with a BPD.

Our cycle always went as follows:

• There would be a breakup, distancing or silent treatment from her side. Typically because she was confused, sad, lost herself, etc... and needed some time and space
• I would try to reach her fruitlessly, beg her for contact, only to push her further away. This felt like punishment somehow. And a power struggle.
• I would give up and give her her space, and cease to contact her.
• After a while, she would tell me she missed me or something like that. I would reply in kind, but still give her space.
• She would ask for a real life meeting to talk.
• We would meet, but not really talk. Usually we just made love and had a nice time together, but not really address the issue.
• Glad to have her back, I would not really press for things and talk deeply right way.
• After a couple of nice weeks, I would want to address a couple of things. Where did we stand, where were we going, that sort of thing.
• She would make promises and I'd be happy.
• She would fail to live up to her promises for an increasing amount of time, causing conflict and demands from my side.
• Things would start to feel pressuring to her.
• Finally, there would be a boundary from me, conflict would ensue...
• ... and she would break up, distance or push me away again, saying she needed time and space.
• Cue the next cycle...

This would typically take about 5 weeks. Until the final discard...

[Head west]

I was running into this as well so I started tracking the various moods on my iPhone calendar.  I have been tracking for about 1 year now and I have noticed a very clear pattern.  I noticed for my spouse the trouble week started about 10-12 days following the start of my wife's period.  Another trouble week would start around day 24-27.

During these trouble times, she is the most emotional and expresses rage very easily.  Knowing this has been helpful because it allows me to schedule things like family outings, vacations, etc... accordingly to help reduce blowups.  This is not 100% effective, but it helps me feel like I have some form of control in life in the midst of the fire I live with. 

[Dad50]

Seems like it is always about transitions. I only live with my pwBPD half time because the other half I have my kids at my house. We can have a good five days, but like clockwork, when she knows I am going to my house the next day her abandonment will be triggered and our last day together will be pure hell.  We even just got back from vacation. Five straight days of being within two feet of each other 24/7. Literally 120 straight hours that we had together time. Of course there were little jabs and attempts of hers to start fights along the way, but I didn't take the bait. The last day, when she knew we were going home and I would have to go back to my house, all hell breaks loose.  With her it is all about transitions.

[Mr. Kelly]

I was running into this as well so I started tracking the various moods on my iPhone calendar.  I have been tracking for about 1 year now and I have noticed a very clear pattern.  I noticed for my spouse the trouble week started about 10-12 days following the start of my wife's period.  Another trouble week would start around day 24-27.

During these trouble times, she is the most emotional and expresses rage very easily.  Knowing this has been helpful because it allows me to schedule things like family outings, vacations, etc... accordingly to help reduce blowups.  This is not 100% effective, but it helps me feel like I have some form of control in life in the midst of the fire I live with. 

This is a very interesting set of data that you are compiling…

May I ask… Out of curiosity… Does your wife have any knowledge of this data you are keeping?

[Mr. Kelly]

It's "funny" to see a question about if BPD behaviour comes in cycles... Because that is one of the defining features of a relationship with a BPD.

Our cycle always went as follows:

• There would be a breakup, distancing or silent treatment from her side. Typically because she was confused, sad, lost herself, etc... and needed some time and space
• I would try to reach her fruitlessly, beg her for contact, only to push her further away. This felt like punishment somehow. And a power struggle.
• I would give up and give her her space, and cease to contact her.
• After a while, she would tell me she missed me or something like that. I would reply in kind, but still give her space.
• She would ask for a real life meeting to talk.
• We would meet, but not really talk. Usually we just made love and had a nice time together, but not really address the issue.
• Glad to have her back, I would not really press for things and talk deeply right way.
• After a couple of nice weeks, I would want to address a couple of things. Where did we stand, where were we going, that sort of thing.
• She would make promises and I'd be happy.
• She would fail to live up to her promises for an increasing amount of time, causing conflict and demands from my side.
• Things would start to feel pressuring to her.
• Finally, there would be a boundary from me, conflict would ensue...
• ... and she would break up, distance or push me away again, saying she needed time and space.
• Cue the next cycle...

This would typically take about 5 weeks. Until the final discard...

Where are you guys at this very moment? How long has it been? What led to the final split?

[tvda]

Where are you guys at this very moment? How long has it been? What led to the final split?

I'm sad to say we are done. Everything finally and completely over, and broken beyond repair. Since three weeks. Saturday morning she was still saying she loved me and wanted to have a life with me, saturday evening she was lying in the arms of another guy.

What led to the final split? Who can tell? There was no real explanation. Just a final discard. In my view she told me a couple of hurtful things, which I pointed out, and her reaction was to discard me.

A "normal" empathetic partner who values you and the relationship would have apologised for hurting me, tried to explain the reasons behind her actions and make up, to not lose her partner. Alas, her course of action was completely the opposite.

[blackorchid]

It's "funny" to see a question about if BPD behaviour comes in cycles... Because that is one of the defining features of a relationship with a BPD.

Our cycle always went as follows:

• There would be a breakup, distancing or silent treatment from her side. Typically because she was confused, sad, lost herself, etc... and needed some time and space
• I would try to reach her fruitlessly, beg her for contact, only to push her further away. This felt like punishment somehow. And a power struggle.
• I would give up and give her her space, and cease to contact her.
• After a while, she would tell me she missed me or something like that. I would reply in kind, but still give her space.
• She would ask for a real life meeting to talk.
• We would meet, but not really talk. Usually we just made love and had a nice time together, but not really address the issue.
• Glad to have her back, I would not really press for things and talk deeply right way.
• After a couple of nice weeks, I would want to address a couple of things. Where did we stand, where were we going, that sort of thing.
• She would make promises and I'd be happy.
• She would fail to live up to her promises for an increasing amount of time, causing conflict and demands from my side.
• Things would start to feel pressuring to her.
• Finally, there would be a boundary from me, conflict would ensue...
• ... and she would break up, distance or push me away again, saying she needed time and space.
• Cue the next cycle...

This would typically take about 5 weeks. Until the final discard...

every part of this could be written about my man.

I've noticed that the cycles now tend to take longer and he takes a longer time to come back... so maybe its not a discard...if that's not what you want

[Oceanfish]

Absolutely! I believe my mother had BPD. Until I learned about this disorder from dealing with my daughter, I thought she was bipolar. She was addicted to some powerful prescription drugs for anxiety and depression and would become enraged at times. She frequently slipped into a completely irrational frame of mind. I came away from living my childhood with her quite traumatized. I watched her cycle and knew there was something terribly wrong. It just didn't have a name at that time.

[blackorchid]

Oceanfish im so sorry you had to go through that