Feeling like I really messed up

[WifeToMyWife]

Hi!  Thanks for being here in this group!  Long story short I've been married to my wife for 6 yrs.  We've been discussing her BPD tendencies for several years and last month she admitted she thinks she really has it.  I finally reached the same conclusion.  (went through a lot of grief and acceptance that I'd been denying for yrs)
I've been working on co-dependency etc and tons of inner work.  She told her therapist (but being extremely high functioning) and her therapist really doesn't believe her which isn't helping.  We started going to co-parenting therapy a mo ago and my wife has sat stoically each session never mentioning BPD.  Session Thursday and all my anger came out and I ended up telling the therapist (I had meant to tell therapist in confidence but now my wife knows).  Now I've betrayed my wife and she's in full BPD spiral, etc.  I'm really struggling because I feel that although it has never gotten physical there's definitely emotional abuse even though she's really been working hard and learning skills.  I feel like I'm continually being asked to keep this a secret and i'm not ok with that anymore.  Especially sitting in front of a therapist pretending we don't know why we are fighting about our blended kids.  I feel crazy, as she's very good at hiding it from the rest of the world, so only me and the kids feel this side of her.  I am seeing my own therapist as well, but while she knows about BPD she's not an expert and she had encouraged me to tell the therapist.  I guess I did screw up but also I needed to stop pretending. 
She goes through a few stages of anger when she's raging.  It will be several days to talking.  It's just very lonely and painful sometimes.  Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Welcome.    Welcome to the website.

We've been discussing her BPD tendencies for several years and last month she admitted she thinks she really has it.  I finally reached the same conclusion. 

Was there something that happened last month that finally tipped the balance?   

  She told her therapist (but being extremely high functioning) and her therapist really doesn't believe her which isn't helping. 

Often the traditional therapy model is vastly triggering for pwBPD (people with BPD).    and the standard approach to therapy and couples therapy can exacerbate symptoms.     The therapist might not believe her or may be more concerned with maintaining the therapeutic relationship and forward progress.  Has DBT been mentioned at all?

We started going to co-parenting therapy a mo ago and my wife has sat stoically each session never mentioning BPD.  Session Thursday and all my anger came out and I ended up telling the therapist (I had meant to tell therapist in confidence but now my wife knows).  Now I've betrayed my wife and she's in full BPD spiral, etc. 

Do you feel comfortable saying more about what is happening?   What's being said and how you are responding?

I'm really struggling because I feel that although it has never gotten physical there's definitely emotional abuse even though she's really been working hard and learning skills. 

There are a lot of skills and tools on this website that can help defuse conflict.    Below is a link to one of them.    Perhaps you could give it a read and then let us know what struck you as you read the page?

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fuzzetti.pdf

'ducks