Why am I So afraid of ending this

[strongerthanU]

Hello,

I don't know where to begin with this thing called my life. Because it feels like my Mess! I have been in a marriage for 27 years that has been nothing but extremes of up and down the whole 27, mostly downs. I entered counseling in my second year of my marriage without my h because it was me that needed to go get fixed. I had two small children and could not for the life of me make sense of this relationship that came with so many promises to love me and take good care of me.

The anger, hostility, blaming, and demands that became a daily grind confused and hurt me deeply. Then there were extreme bouts of spending on automobiles we couldn't afford, they would be traded on average every six months if it even lasted that long. The debt cycle was so stressful as we could barely afford groceries. The blame was always slung my direction for daring to disrespect and try to control him, instead I was to be the submissive, supportive wife and raise the kids and figure out the affairs of our household on the nothing budget he left me with each month.

Ten years into the marriage and now four children I filed for legal separation and we entered counseling as a couple and as individuals. I went through co-dependency treatment and I was left with the thought that I was married to a dry drunk. There were soo many behaviors that made no sense to me; in addition to cars now guns and knives and collector items began showing up in the mail. My h disclosed to me at this point that he had been sexually abused by his mother for some years. I had known that he was physically abused by a severe alcoholic father.

We were only separated for 5 months before I was convinced by my h that if I didn't get back with him we never would. Because of my faith and values I believed marriage vows were for a lifetime, in sickness and health. I caved! It only took 8 months before old behaviors came knocking, in addition to that a computer entered our home; my h hasn't climbed out of the computer since, he games for hours and hours.

I can almost clock his days between work, working out(we met in the fitness industry), gaming and television, there is nothing left and it is his expectation that I carry everything else, and I have.

He has always been very high functioning at work and highly respected and awarded.

He had an episode about 5 years ago and walked out of his job of seventeen years rather than accept responsibility for some bullying behavior he was exhibiting on the job. I was quite surprised his behavior took that long to show up outside the home. Again not wanting to take responsibility he claimed disability due to stress, his employer forced him to enter counseling where he was diagnosed as PTSD, this season of approximately 2.5 years was some of the happiest most relaxed times I have ever had with my h a completely different person.

When I wanted to be part of his counseling to deal with the resentment and anger I was struggling with he abruptly decided counseling wasn't necessary any longer. He took new employment elsewhere and has really plummeted into anger and deep resentment since then. The silence treatments have become ridiculous. I found out of the fog about two,years ago,after I went to see my h counselor and expressed my concern that my h might be mentally ill. His counselor told me that I was very bright and perceptive and suggested that anything beyond the stated diagnosis of PTSD would adversely affect my h employment. He suggested I find a support group,although he knew of none in our region. I have never felt so traumatized in my life than now! Our children are mostly raised and I am terrified.

[letmeout]

I would be more afraid of remaining with him than being on my own. I was married for 35 years to a BPD husband. I could write a novel about the insanity of it all; truth is stranger than fiction.

I went to abuse counseling a few years ago. My ex never physically abused me, but he bullied me and the family and showed pretty crazy behaviors over the years. He was getting worse the older he got. Once I was convinced that I didn't deserve to be emotionally and verbally abused, I left.

Yes I was terrified to leave too, but I was more terrified to stay with someone like that. I haven't talked to him in 3 years and I never will again. Freedom from living with crazy is priceless! 

[whirlpoollife]

My name here,  whirlpoollife, is the wanting to leave , the struggle to leave and instead just getting sucked back in.  I was married 27 yrs too, but the divorce took three added on to it.  I have two kids who are now teens.  Your kids are out of the custody battle range, take advantage of that, though their  hearing that their parents are getting divorced  will still be difficult for them to hear but they will get used to it.   

Mentally ,which includes financial, sexual , I was so beaten down by my xh, it was difficult to get the courage to leave. His soiciopathic and deliousional tendencies made it scarey.   Staying would of been far worse. These people don't change. Our marriage isn't going to be what we keep trying to convince ourselves what we wish it could be.   

One member used the marriage counslor to tell the other spouse that a seperation would be best, instead of coming out directly saying I want divorced. That way blame your h can impose on you can get shifted to the counslor.

Planning is essential when you make final decision to leave.  Consult with a few attornies who understand high conflict people, pwPD. 

Read some books , " In Sheeps Clothing", "'Why Does He Do That" , "Splitting" by Bill Eddy.

Read more of the past posts here.

My motto for awhile was , the hardest thing I ever did was divorce, the best thing I ever did was divorce.

[strongerthanU]

Thank you whirlpoolie and letmeout,

I really appreciate your responses. The past few weeks have been an emotional hell. I recognize at least that the decision isn't something that is a fast process. I am to the point of seeking legal consultation and I have felt so isolated in just the fact not many people at all understand BPD That I am fearful of the legL process and sounding like a crazy myself

[strongerthanU]

Oops lost half my post. I mentioned additionally that my children are supportive of my moving forward as they hope for a more relaxed future for me. I have concerns because two of my children seem to show strong traits and it does run in the family h brother full disability due to BP and a sister who has seemingly lost it and became invisible. No one knows where she is. My youngest D (19) is seriously angry with her dad and bouncing back and forth from anger/denial. I fear two of my kids with traits  will avoid help because they don't want me to leave them. It has really been a moral dilemma over whether we leave someone due to illness. This forum is really helping me to get brave and explore Ina more realistic way what my options are.  I appreciate everyone here.

[strongerthanU]

Sorry for all the add-ons one additional struggle with leaving that I hope others will give me insight on is definitely financial! When you build a life with someone for that many years the losses are real. One of our struggles has been my h erratic and irresponsible handling of money. I have a job and have only been putting into retirement for five years. I am unable to support my self on my income. The state of his retirement funds from his previous job is poor and divided would be laughable. He makes good income now but is so desperate to quit I'm not sure he'll make it to retirement, he's only been at this current job three years and there are no health or retirement benefits. He says I can keep the house and he'll keep "his" retirement savings and the pension check which I don't think he can do, and if he's told he can't do that, he'll want to play dirty and make sure I can't keep the house. we have good equity in our home But I can't turn around and get even half a house on what the market is in our area right now. Makes more sense to keep house. Our two youngest are college freshman and sophomore.

[letmeout]

Hi trongerthanU, I am glad to hear that you are giving serious thought to finding peace and happiness! Believe me, it is worth every effort.

A BPD's behavior is pretty predictable when you 'abandon' them. Mine actually quit his 30 yr job the day after I left, only because he didn't want me to have health insurance. He just kept cutting his nose off to spite his face every step of the way through the divorce.

Our kids were grown and gone by the time we divorced. They were upset only because now they would have to deal with him instead of me. 

I have had to work 1.5 jobs since I divorced, but I don't mind it one bit. I would rather do that than deal with a delusional raging nut-case. The longer you are away from him, the more you will appreciate your freedom!

My ex has never gotten better, he just keeps getting crazier as the years go by. I am so very grateful to be free. 

[strongerthanU]

Letmeout,

Do your adult children have contact with their dad? I feel as if my h would be unrelenting in pursuing our kids(adults). We separated years ago and he became a class act cling-on. While indifferent and distant from me ordinarily with separation a frightened animal of a person. I had to have the locks changed on our home to keep him out. The kids that live local are all LC even though two live with us. I have been strongly encouraging my kids to get help in the way of counseling or even the forums here be cause they will need to be strong and have some developed skills. Our oldest admits that due to her own PTSD/anxiety from her life she has no problem being in NC to protect herself and her child/husband. Interestingly she married a man with a BPD/np mother and that has almost completely wrecked her. I have told my kids that this next season is for me to explore every option for me regardless of h choices. I will take as much time as I need to care for me!

I just returned from a five week visit to help D with first baby. Trip was unplanned and medical emergency. H almost lost his mind, was dealing out silent treatment prior to my departure so was unaware I was leaving. He called and raged at me ten days into the trip. I was a wreck in every way but came out on the other side having not really missed him. Since returning I have been pleasant and practicing validating him but I am done with the BS. i am looking for a T and seeking counsel(legal) no pressure just simply becoming informed and more confident of my future.

[letmeout]

Our eldest son who seems co-dependent still seeks his father's approval, although sadly he will never get it. This son's wife is BPD.  Warn your kids that they will gravitate and seek out people that are 'familiar' because they grew up with someone crazy, so to them their behavior is familiar so must be  normal. He suffers much misery but won't leave because of their 3 children.

Our younger son keeps his distance from daddy dearest as much as he can. Five weeks away is a real eye opener. Now you know what it will feel like when you get away from Mr. Crazy.  Wonderful!

I read posts on the boards about how much people miss their BPD other. I have never missed mine, not for one minute.

What I missed was what could/have should/have been but couldn't be.

Its sad that BPD/NP people can not love, they can only try to convince you that they love you, but they don't feel it in their hearts because their brains are too busy spinning lies and BS because that is the way they are wired.

Sad but true.

[whirlpoollife]

You are making some great first steps.  Have a notebook with a list of questions and space after each question when you go than attorney.  He or she will need to know all the financial matters.  So have as much as possible ready to discuss and ask questions.  If h keeps his retirement and you have the house that would save a lot of legal fees and time of the divorce process. But if he puts up a fight on all of it, just post about it on the legal board and we can help you through it from many experiences. 

If you feel he will hide any financial papers, or house info , then you might want to get a storage locker to put them in for the time being. Don't be nice or think he won't take all of them.

the attorney needs to get a feel of the situtatiion, and get to know you and the x to be spouse.

Some are black and white numbers only but if they understand BPD, then they know it's not going to be a simple divorce and have to have some stragities with division of property.

As for the moral obligation of marriage, I went though that too.  Believe me, once you are away from the crazy you will get over it.  I am more spiritual now than before ,because  I have the freedom to, and it is so peaceful. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey strongerthanU, I concur w/whirlpoollife and letmeout.  Leaving is challenging, but it's worth it.  I don't miss the daily confrontations, turmoil and walking on eggshells.  I love a boring, peaceful evening after work.  As others have noted, when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving, change is possible.  As soon as I separated from my BPDxW, I never considered going back.  It felt like I had escaped from prison.  In many ways, I was an emotional prisoner of my Ex's rages and abuse.  No more.  I will never again be the object of anyone's abuse.

LuckyJim

[DadOfThree]

I certainly feel everything you are saying.  If you changed genders it would be my story.  Just so you know you are not alone, I'll highlight mine:

I was married to a BPD woman for 26 years (our divorce was finalized this week, although we still live together with our three kids). 

Mine was a textbook case and I didn't even know what was happening.  I am a very accomplished professional.  I supervise 40 professionals, taught college at night, lecture and am on several prominent committees in my field.  I had a great group of lifelong friends and a huge family.  I dated and had a good life

Then I met her and she pressured me HARD to get married.

My xBPDw slowly eroded everything about my life.  26 years later, I have no contact with my family or my friends.  She scorns every hobby or interest I have.  She has completely disintigrated me in front of my kids.  She slowly switched all our accounts over to her name saying things like "Oh I used to work at a bank and you have a tough job - I'll take care of our checking account".  She switched every utility over to her own name.  And she was constantly belittling and complaining thta I didn't make enough money (although I kept working harder and harder and made more than anyone we knew).  Then she decided she wanted to be a stay at home mom just until the kids start school.  15 years later she never went back to work.  We've skirted bankruptcy for years and years carrying over 60K in cc debt.

And, through it all she would make it clear that I was a total failure - I was constantly buying her gifts and presents and every single birthday, valentines, Christmas or anniversary (every one for 20+ years) she would make a point to return or exchange something I bought her.  I always got her something wrong or "stupid" - even if she asked for it.  She several times humiliated me when I had to return very expensive gifts she asked for.   I bought very expensive jewelry from family and friends and it was custom made for her that she asked for but she made me return it.  This happened several times.  She even does this to our children now.

Our children are still in the FOG, especially the eldest so I am hanging on as long as I can so they have a more stable life.  Right now she might move out, as ordered by the court, but I told her (since she convinced our eldest to go with her) to stay as long as she wants.

Its the most horrible and toxic soul sucking relationship and no one, I mean NO ONE believes it because she acts normal around people.  I mean they all know she is mean but they have no idea how bad it is/was.  And especially since I am a man, and a successful respected professional, no one really takes me seriously just how bad this hurts or just how unbelievably terrified I am.



It is simply the deepest darkest pit of evil

[Lucky Jim]

Its the most horrible and toxic soul sucking relationship and no one, I mean NO ONE believes it because she acts normal around people.

Agree, DOT.  Those w/BPD are extremely good at hiding their disorder.  My BPDxW has a gregarious side and was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our small town.  Little did the residents of our Town imagine what the "Mayor" was really like behind closed doors.  Being married to her was like something out of a Stephen King novel!  Nightmarish . . .

LuckyJim

[letmeout]

I am so sorry that you are still trapped in a cage with your monster, Dad of Three. I know its not nice to call BPD people monsters, but that is exactly what my ex acted like. 

For 35 yrs I thought I would never get away from him, but now I have been monster free for three years!   If I could accomplish that, anyone can!