Weekend from hell.

[misuniadziubek]

Background, four years ago, my uBPDbf was dating a girl that had a similar background to mine and similar appearance. He was incredibly in love with her, as she was his first real love amongst a lot of other firsts. They dated for 9 months, she decided to break up with him the day of his birthday. He was devastated and got so depressed by it that he attempted suicide by overdosing on OTC drugs. Though he has no memory of it, he drove himself to the hospital and was subsequently committed.

For the past four years, he's followed a pattern of dating people for a few months at a time before the relationship dissolves by his own accord.

I'm not going to say that I'm anything special here, (as he convinced me in the beginning)  but I do remind him of that very ex-gf. In the beginning, he convinced me she was a terrible person and he'd always compare my worse behaviours to hers. Over time, I've realised she wasn't actually to blame for all the things that happened, and probably experienced that same stuff I have and couldn't handle it.

These last two weeks have been more difficult than usual, we've just hit 10 months, longer than any relationship he's had. My uBPDbf has been more easily agitated, less interested in being intimate with me than ever, and hitting me with ultimatum's at every turn. He's convinced the relationship is on the verge of crumbling. This weekend was the weekend of his birthday. None of his relationships have survived his birthday.

And so, he put me through the wringer. He tried to push me to break up with him three times over the span of four days.

Saturday, in a moment of brutal honesty, I told him that although he makes me feel beautiful and attractive, he tears at my self-esteem when it comes to my own competency in life, with constantly belittling me. He got extremely upset, said that he's not going to start this B.S again because his first gf pulled that same card late into the relationship, and if I actually feel that way, then I should leave right now and never come back. He went as far as to take all my stuff and put it in my car. I won't lie, it stung. My laundry was in the dryer though, so I had to stick around. He calmed down and got affectionate again.

Sunday night we were coming back from a friend's place he put his arm around me while he was driving and asked me to shift gears for him. I pulled too far back and he flipped out (It could have killed us) and spent the next 20 minutes yelling at me for not listening properly (I have no idea how to drive standard, he should not have been asking me to do that) and that I always fudge everything up and that he can never trust me with anything. He then asked me to set a glass stand in his room. Apparently I set it too close to one of his laptop circuit boards, though I was still shaken up from the car ride and was trying to be as careful as possible anyways. He told me that if his laptop doesn't work then I might as well just leave. I tried to talk to him as calmly as possible, make him feel validated, admit to some of the responsibility.  I went to hang out with his roommate in the kitchen instead. I admitted some of the issues to her, as objectively as I could. She told me she'd been in a relationship like that for 13 years, and she isn't capable of having anymore relationships period.

The third time was just ridiculous and not even worth mentioning. He repeated things like "I've never had a relationship last through my birthday, why should this time be any different."

I talked to his closest friend Sunday, and I expressed that my uBPDbf was trying to push me away as much as That I can see how incredibly paranoid he is of us falling apart and that for someone who claims to be so logical, he sure is superstitious about his relationships. His friend told me that eventually when you keep seeing patterns in things you have no choice but to assume the worst. He also made me feel incredibly validated when he said that usually my UBPDbf's relationships would start to fall apart around the second month, around the first time that he would explode on the person and get right in their face about something. It means he's been there, and he understands what I've gone through.

I tried to express a boundary this weekend in terms of what I will tolerate in terms of him getting physical. (He punched me too hard on the arm) He got extremely defensive and told me he's not going to have me stand there and scold him like a child and make him feel bad. That if I can't handle that, I should just... .leave. :P I definitely need to work on the way I handle those things, but he usually understands when he goes too far if I treat the situation seriously enough.  possible.

I left on good terms with him, (with him excitedly trying to convince me that I should move in with him) but I was just so incredibly exhausted after those four days that I needed to just get all of the anger and frustration out. I cried for 30 minutes straight. That's when I started thinking about things objectively and what exactly I wanted to do in regards to this relationship.


When we get through all of the dysregulation and bouts of anger, in perspective, things are still generally really good. He tried to push me away this weekend as much as possible, because he was afraid of me leaving him. It blows my mind, but observing his contradicting words and actions, it seems that I'm right on and his friend agreed. Our relationship is still pretty satisfying and fulfilling on both ends, we still have intimate talks, are affectionate towards each other, and he is good at calming me down and giving me perspective when other things in my life leave me upset and feeling powerless.

[seeking balance]

It sounds like you have had quite the emotional twists and turns lately with him.  I know how hard it can be to get a little balance in those times.

When we get through all of the dysregulation and bouts of anger, in perspective, things are still generally really good.

The thing you have to understand is that this is WHO he is.  ALL of it.  Is this the life you want lead, because this is likely to be what your life looks like.   Peaks and Valleys.

BPD requires discipline and a commitment to ongoing therapy - is you boyfriend in treatment currently?  It sounds like his impulse control is rather poor - in the past, did he learn skills that helped him?

Finally, does he realize his behavior is out of control or does he think it is you that is the problem?

[maxsterling]

I've been posting on the "staying" board lately, but felt I should go back and read a few discussions on the "undecided" board just to see if I could gain a new perspective and offer any advice. 

Your post just rings so very true for how BPD relationships go.  I've had things feel like they are going great, only to have her accuse me of the most bizarre stuff not an hour later.  And an hour after that, she begs me not to leave.

When you say things are still going "really good" - are you saying this week was a minor frustration in comparison to the overall relationship?  It may be time to examine what "really good" is in comparison to what you want and need out of a relationship, and it sounds like you are doing that.  The reality is, BPD relationships are always rocky, and you may not be able to ever get your needs met in the way you imagined.  If this relationship is to continue long term, you will need to accept this is who he is.  You don't have to agree with his actions, but you do need accept that he has BPD, and that means certain behaviors are likely to never go away. 

I would like to ask you one thing - during the times he suggests you to just break up with him and leave, are you ever just tempted (out of exhaustion) to just say "Ok" and start your car and drive away?   I know I am, and I can't always say what prevents me from doing so.  I do know that in times past, the only thing that kept the relationship going was that she is living in my house.  it would have to be her that would leave.  So what keeps you from just leaving when he tells you to do so?

[misuniadziubek]

When you say things are still going "really good" - are you saying this week was a minor frustration in comparison to the overall relationship?  It may be time to examine what "really good" is in comparison to what you want and need out of a relationship, and it sounds like you are doing that.

This weekend was a huge frustration compared to the overall relationship, but knowing his history, I knew I was in for a rollercoaster ride. Even so, I don't know where I got the strength to survive it. Definitely had to take some time to recover.

I examine what I need and want regularly. I have to. This is a very taxing sort of relationship and I have to make sure that I'm acting in my own best interest. I tend to hold on to the good things and let go of most of the bad. It's just painful to think about sometimes how much I've changed myself to accustom myself to his ridiculous mood swings. Sometimes I find myself becoming too distant to other aspects of my life and start to compartmentalise and intellectualise everything. Exactly the way he tends to. And that leads me to considering whether breaking up wouldn't make everything easier for me.

So what keeps you from just leaving when he tells you to do so?

Circumstances. It's not that hard to leave. The impulse is always there. Just like sometimes I falter and end up exploding on him and causing him to leave, I feel fallible to leaving myself.

Truth is subconsciously I pick up on his anxiety of me abandoning him, and I realise however hard he pushes is just a way to deal with that fear. So I make up circumstances that make me stay. At least another 30 minutes, which is usually enough time for him to calm himself. Things like laundry, or having drunk alcohol (I would never drink and drive) or packing up my stuff... or making myself some tea first. It buys me time. I can still always leave (minus after alcohol) but it gives him time to figure out how to ask me to actually stay.

It's a double-edged sword though. It makes him feel infallible. LIke he can treat me however and I'll still stay. I once actually left, though. His reaction was to text me that we are officially over. I don't let him off that easy though though. I always make it clear that unless he explicitly tells me he really wants me gone, I'm still there and even then I told him that if he needed, I could always drive back, that he is still a priority and I won't abandon him. That had some strange side effects. I also did feel bad, because he had actually gone to get me a slushie, rather than actually driving off and leaving me. He is very inconsistent, so I have to stay just long enough for him to make it actually clear what he wants.