Someone Please Save Me. I Don't Believe What Just Happened

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I went to the mall to walk.  I'm trying to take off weight. I'm a little chubby and mine was always cruel about my weight.  I had this vision of going back over there at the end of the summer thin and tanned and letting him eat his heart out.

Timing is everything.  I was driving home and I looked up and he and that piece of trash that has been staying at his place were going through the intersection pulling his boat.  They had gone to get it out of storage.  I beeped and waved and followed him back to his place because he was driving and I thought that maybe he would talk to me because he was sober.  He was stoned on pot when he got out of the truck and would not talk to me.  His piece of hit_ buddy tried to get involved and I told him to stay out of it and they grabbed their golf clubs and away they went.  And my cheap cheap ex BPD is paying for his golf and this creeps because the creep doesn't work.

I know that he is going to hit bottom soon, but it can't happen soon enough for me.  Why is this happening?  What are the chances that I would run into them like that?  I feel like someone has put a curse on me.  If anyone has any ideas, please help.

[ve01603]

I went to the mall to walk.  I'm trying to take off weight. I'm a little chubby and mine was always cruel about my weight.  I had this vision of going back over there at the end of the summer thin and tanned and letting him eat his heart out.

Timing is everything.  I was driving home and I looked up and he and that piece of trash that has been staying at his place were going through the intersection pulling his boat.  They had gone to get it out of storage.  I beeped and waved and followed him back to his place because he was driving and I thought that maybe he would talk to me because he was sober.  He was stoned on pot when he got out of the truck and would not talk to me.  His piece of hit_ buddy tried to get involved and I told him to stay out of it and they grabbed their golf clubs and away they went.  And my cheap cheap ex BPD is paying for his golf and this creeps because the creep doesn't work.

I know that he is going to hit bottom soon, but it can't happen soon enough for me.  Why is this happening?  What are the chances that I would run into them like that?  I feel like someone has put a curse on me.  If anyone has any ideas, please help.

[FaceFacts]

Last night I watched a movie with Penelope Cruz in it.  It's called, "Volver", which is Spanish for "The Return".  It's a great movie.  It's also all in Spanish, which doesn't bother me.  Most of the cast is women, and the story is about how these women have dealt with the rotten things some men have done to them.  The reason I bring it up is that the director made Penelope Cruz gain weight for the movie.  Being a bit chubby can actually be a good thing.  The only thing a good man really wants is a woman that knows how to honestly smile and laugh.  Don't go chasing a guy who insists on seeing a dishonest smile. He'll suck all the honesty right out of you.

An honest smile and laugh is worth a few pounds.  Don't sweat the small stuff.

[ve01603]

Thanks, but I need to know why I ran into them like that.  It is bizaar.

  I know that the weight was just an excuse.  I think he may even prefer the company of men to women which is his business, just tell me or don't try to tie up six years of my life with that.  Let me move on when I ask if you are gay, don't deny it and keep me hanging on.

I was at the mall and saw all kinds of good looking guys with chubbier girls.  It's what's on the inside that counts.  Besides I was thinner when he met me.  I had taken off weight but I put it back on from being ignored.  Substitute for Love.

[diega]

Thanks, but I need to know why I ran into them like that.  It is bizaar.

  I know that the weight was just an excuse.  I think he may even prefer the company of men to women which is his business, just tell me or don't try to tie up six years of my life with that.  Let me move on when I ask if you are gay, don't deny it and keep me hanging on.

I was at the mall and saw all kinds of good looking guys with chubbier girls.  It's what's on the inside that counts.  Besides I was thinner when he met me.  I had taken off weight but I put it back on from being ignored.  Substitute for Love.

well, do you guys live close to each other? is the intersection on the way to his home and also to yours... if so... well its coincidence.

this happened a lot when i first met my BPD bf (now ex). it also happened when we were not together  and alwahys whenever i would happen to get ont he messenger chat thingy... he also happened to get on.

intuition, coincidence, whatever it is... .it sounds like it really got to you, jsut to see him. which is totally understandable.

[ve01603]

We do live close but it still quite a coincidence that we would be there at the same minute.

I am a mess. I thought that I was over the worst of this.  I just don't know what to do.  I can't believe that someone could be so heartless but then again, he is on drugs and he won't get off with this character around. 

I just want to give up, or get in the car and drive til I run out of gas and start over.  I have cried tonight til I made myself sick and he isn't thinking about me at all.  I just want to die.  I am a middle aged woman and will probably be alone the rest of my life now because the damn television tells everyone that a woman needs to be 25 years old and 100 pounds.

[diega]

We do live close but it still quite a coincidence that we would be there at the same minute.

I am a mess. I thought that I was over the worst of this.  I just don't know what to do.  I can't believe that someone could be so heartless but then again, he is on drugs and he won't get off with this character around. 

I just want to give up, or get in the car and drive til I run out of gas and start over.  I have cried tonight til I made myself sick and he isn't thinking about me at all.  I just want to die.  I am a middle aged woman and will probably be alone the rest of my life now because the damn television tells everyone that a woman needs to be 25 years old and 100 pounds.

i'm in the same boat as you then, so i guess then i'll also be alone for the rest of my life. (but really i'm sure i'll meet someone.at least i hope so)

anyhoo... i really do feel for you.

i know how painful it can be.

it feels like a death. it is in a way and it can be very very emotionally painful... which can thus also transfer to physical pain.

you may go through the stages of grief... so you are not alone. jsut know that... you are not weird  nor crazy for feeling the way you do.

i don't know if this helps but ... give yourself time to feel the pain, (which i know you do!), but also then make some time to do something that is not about him... .is this possible? do you belong to a gym or do you have some kind of hobby or somethign you used to love to do before you met him.

if so... try to do a little of it if you can. otherwise greif can be totally consuming. be easy on yourself... and try to do things for yourself that you used to like. its hard i know... .but you can go through it... .and you dont have to settle for being with this drug addict guy. you dont . you deserve better. and there are tons of people out there... and on e this guy is out of your system belkive me... you will find someone again. i know it.

well... i wish i could do somethign for you to make your pain less right now.

i remember sometimes for me, it felt so bad, that i would drag myself to a movie... jsut to get out of reality for a while. it actually helped sometimes.

anyway... take care.

[SoMuchPain]

I just want to die.  I am a middle aged woman and will probably be alone the rest of my life now because the damn television tells everyone that a woman needs to be 25 years old and 100 pounds.

well im 27, 5'8, tan, blonde, 34D and 135 lbs. 

trust me, it doesn't matter.  i can't find love to save my life.

[2010]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. It gave you a reason to go to his house- to continue to be abused- continue to get the silent treatment- continue to be triangulated with another person (who drove off with the ex in collusion) It gave you the magical thinking that if only this guy would sober up, if only you lost a few pounds and got a tan, if only the friend wasn't there, if only, if only... .if only this wasn't all magical thinking and denial of a character disorder.

Going over to his house only makes you look like an out of control stalker. I don't care what magical reasoning you have for the coincidence- this is not proof that you need to trample over boundaries and confront him in the driveway. This is not responsible behavior to yourself or to others.

You don't need anyone to save you. You need to believe in yourself. You do believe what just happened- you know what you did was only furthering the dysfunction and abuse. No one has placed a curse on you- stop the self-defeating behavior. The only person that you should care about right now is you. If you are going to worry about anyone hitting rock bottom- it should be you. Stop projecting these fears and concerns onto him and focus on yourself instead. You're going to need *you.*

This is going to be a life changing event for you, but you must do the work. They don't call it a mid life crisis for nothing. It is and will be necessary for you to confront yourself, but it is a process that has some predictable steps in it.  Get in touch with your feelings.  Understand where they originate. Recognize how unfinished business is recycled. Take back your projections and place them on yourself. Eliminate your self-hate. Eliminate power plays and manipulation. And finally, learn to ask for what you want. If a person cannot give it to you- then keep moving along. Staying and fighting a person who has a personality disorder just prevents you from finding happiness in life.

Life's short- make your own life work first. Let go of him.

[Want2know]

I had this vision of going back over there at the end of the summer thin and tanned and letting him eat his heart out.

I beeped and waved and followed him back to his place because he was driving and I thought that maybe he would talk to me because he was sober. 

First of all, don't lose weight for the reason you mentioned above, lose it for you.  I think we all have those thoughts from time to time, but if you do it for him, then when he doesn't respond to it, how will you feel?  Even more resentful of him?  Learn to let him go, and do for yourself.

Second, I know your initial emotional instinct was to beep, wave and follow him.  Another thing you are going to need to discipline yourself of is to not follow that instinct.  It is harmful.  Let him just keep driving and crash.   x

[ve01603]

Diega:  Thanks, I stay very busy, work, school but it still sucks.  I don't know how I have managed thus far.

So Much Pain:  If you don't have a chance, I know that I don't.

2010: Thanks for the words of wisdom and the Tough Love.  You are right and I know it.  You bring up a great word, triangulated, please elaborate on that because it is new to me but it explains a lot.  

I have to get to work now but I will post later with my take on triangulate.

[ve01603]

Thanks Want 2 Know.  I'm off to work now but I will post later.

[Want2know]

Thanks Want 2 Know.  I'm off to work now but I will post later.

Ok... please keep us posted on these thoughts... .there are a lot of people who can help you work through them.  Below is something a friend of mine sent me just after I broke it off with my ex.  It was helpful to me, and still is:

He can continue on as IF he'll be fine, but we both know he actually won't be. Ever. 

Whatever aloofness you get from him now is just a defense mechanism.

He is beyond ever being okay.

His drinking will get him into an even worse scenario.

It’s going to take rock bottom or worse before he ever acts remorseful.

Take solace in knowing however he moves on is just an act... .

He’s beyond repair.

[alig2]

The only thing a good man really wants is a woman that knows how to honestly smile and laugh.  Don't go chasing a guy who insists on seeing a dishonest smile. He'll suck all the honesty right out of you.

This is so very true.  I've dated many men like the XBPD who were probably more NPD and even when I was 20, fit, 110#s I never heard the last of how I was fat, eating too much, etc.  I am much heavier now in my 30s and not much has changed with these men.  It's not you, it's the men we chose (or who chose us first).   It sounds like you have so much going for you     Don't let some a$$hole dictate the rest of your life and how you feel about yourself. 

[gatorgirl]

Why is this happening?  What are the chances that I would run into them like that?  I feel like someone has put a curse on me.

You could consider it a blessing instead of a curse... .he's stoned and making more bad choices with his life while you are trying to improve yourself.  It sounds more like someone was showing you how lucky you really are!

[ve01603]

Want2Know, that was great thanks.

Thanks alig2.  I think that I actually got flirted with at work today and it is good for the soul.

Gatorgirl, my friends are telling me the same thing that you are, that someone is trying to show me.

[DrPhil]

Why is this happening?  What are the chances that I would run into them like that?  I feel like someone has put a curse on me.  If anyone has any ideas, please help.

Hi Ve,

One idea would be NOT to do this:

"I beeped and waved and followed him back to his place (... .)"

One thing is accidentally seeing him in his car - it´s quite another to actively seek confrontation.

Seriously, if you want to keep him and the problems he is causing in your life away from you, let him drive past you if you run into him again.

This episode was a self-fulfilling prophecy. The good news is you can avoid it happening again.

Do what you can to keep NC - and be good to yourself. Don´t make it any harder on yourself than you have to.

Be strong - you will be fine!

Hugs.

[DrPhil]

So Much Pain:  If you don't have a chance, I know that I don't.

A nice figure and looks will get you very far in terms of attracting the opposite sex.

BUT - feeling good about yourself, charisma, a positive outlook and substance inside will beat that hands down any day.

My ex was gorgeous from a physical perspective.

Not very gorgeous on the inside.

Trust me - there are men out there who go for a LOT more than just looks.

[OriginalofSpecies]

With all due respect, the guy sounds like a jerkoff... Continue with your routine where you are losing weight that you feel you need too, at some point you will look at yourself and realize you are too good for this hick sounding douche. You will run into him, however you will not get any answers or closure. The desperation or neediness you portray even ever so slightly are just feeding the egos of him and his jughead buddy. Don't give this jerk any power

I know it hurts, I have a child with BPDex fiancé. So I have no choice in seeing her. I began losing weight to be healthier for my kid, guess what. Went out with friends the other night and people I haven't seen in a while complimented me on how great I look, and made a date with a beautiful woman for Saturday. The weight loss and working out for my kid may have also had intentions of sticking it to the ex, but now it doesn't matter. I hear, your too thin, what are you wearing, you smell like Lysol bathroom floor cleaner (it's axe body spray) my sunglasses are gay. Blah blah. Tables have turned, time has passed and she is jealous & trying to get close, I'm not interested, not sure what happened, but I'm free. Time and doing for myself & reconnecting with friends I wasn't allowed to have during relationship freed me.

On a side note I dodged a bullet with this girl, she had/ has genital herpes and somehow by the grace of god I don't (no intimate contact with her for 1 3/4 years. Tested by doctor 3 times, nothing in blood or surface areas.  I would have never dated a girl with herpes, somehow when she told me she acted so upset and victimized and buried her head in my couch telling me in a lttle girl voice.

Was I temporarily insane messing & staying with someone who has herpes and takes pills for it ?

[WalrusGumboot]

I just want to die.  I am a middle aged woman and will probably be alone the rest of my life now because the damn television tells everyone that a woman needs to be 25 years old and 100 pounds.

well im 27, 5'8, tan, blonde, 34D and 135 lbs. 

trust me, it doesn't matter.  i can't find love to save my life.

Somebody once suggested a Non Dating Site. Everybody was kinda joking about it... but really, think of us as a group. Most of us are loving... .caring... .giving. All we want is somebody, anybody, to return the same to us. I don't think weight matters, age matters, looks matters... .we just want to be treated right.

So let all the mentally ill people date each other, and let the sane date each other. The world will be a better place! 

[WalrusGumboot]

We do live close but it still quite a coincidence that we would be there at the same minute.

I am a mess. I thought that I was over the worst of this.  I just don't know what to do.  I can't believe that someone could be so heartless but then again, he is on drugs and he won't get off with this character around. 

I just want to give up, or get in the car and drive til I run out of gas and start over.  I have cried tonight til I made myself sick and he isn't thinking about me at all.  I just want to die.  I am a middle aged woman and will probably be alone the rest of my life now because the damn television tells everyone that a woman needs to be 25 years old and 100 pounds.

Hey Ve, I married the BPD beauty of my dreams, 22 years ago. She was vivacious, thin, sexy beyond belief. I have always been told I am good looking, but I have thought I married way beyond what a person of my physical and financial means would attract. (not poor, but no millionaire). Some years were decent, but most were hell. The price to pay for marrying a woman that most other men fantasize about? To hell with that theory.

The guys that prey on the 100 lb. beauties seem to be the alpha guys. Others are too intimidated.  Sure the media tries to brainwash us all that the super thin chicks are the only ones worth pursuing, but it goes both ways. The cheating, heartbreaking con-men are also promoted. Look at Sawyer from the TV series "Lost". Exactly what I am talking about.

You don't know how many buddies and acquaintances I have had over the years... .good men... .hard working and loyal. Not ugly but not Brad Pitt... .who just can't meet a decent girl. Nobody gives them a second look. We can say it is what is in the inside that counts all day long, but until we practice that... .and give the person that never gets a second look a chance, I think love can flourish.

That dude you followed... .he can take a hike. You'll find love again, chubby or not. Next time around you will know a lot more than what you did last time.

[ve01603]

Thanks everyone.  The longer I am away from the craziness, the better I feel.  People at work are normal and someone kind of flirted with me today and it made me feel good.

I am so ready for normal. There were so many signs, he was married to the first wife for six weeks, the next one who was a millionaire, for 15 months.  His grandparents (when they were alive before I knew him) didn't live in the same house, lived next door to each other, the same with an aunt and uncle of his.  What was I thinking? 

I was new out of the chute, only divorced for one year and he was paying me so much attention and trying to win me over.  If there is ever a next time, I have to be so careful.

I am attractive, just a little overweight right now and I know that looks are not the most important thing, but he doesn't.  That is why I said that he'd eat his heart out if I got thin.  He is VERY superficial.

As far as going over to his place I know that I shouldn't have, I won't even go inside because I am afraid of him, it's just that I still want some kind of closure or apology and for him to act like a man, but I know that it won't happen.  He is an unfeeling monster.

[DrPhil]

We do live close but it still quite a coincidence that we would be there at the same minute.

I am a mess. I thought that I was over the worst of this.  I just don't know what to do.  I can't believe that someone could be so heartless but then again, he is on drugs and he won't get off with this character around. 

I just want to give up, or get in the car and drive til I run out of gas and start over.  I have cried tonight til I made myself sick and he isn't thinking about me at all.  I just want to die.  I am a middle aged woman and will probably be alone the rest of my life now because the damn television tells everyone that a woman needs to be 25 years old and 100 pounds.

Hey Ve, I married the BPD beauty of my dreams, 22 years ago. She was vivacious, thin, sexy beyond belief. I have always been told I am good looking, but I have thought I married way beyond what a person of my physical and financial means would attract. (not poor, but no millionaire). Some years were decent, but most were hell. The price to pay for marrying a woman that most other men fantasize about? To hell with that theory.

The guys that prey on the 100 lb. beauties seem to be the alpha guys. Others are too intimidated.  Sure the media tries to brainwash us all that the super thin chicks are the only ones worth pursuing, but it goes both ways. The cheating, heartbreaking con-men are also promoted. Look at Sawyer from the TV series "Lost". Exactly what I am talking about.

You don't know how many buddies and acquaintances I have had over the years... .good men... .hard working and loyal. Not ugly but not Brad Pitt... .who just can't meet a decent girl. Nobody gives them a second look. We can say it is what is in the inside that counts all day long, but until we practice that... .and give the person that never gets a second look a chance, I think love can flourish.

That dude you followed... .he can take a hike. You'll find love again, chubby or not. Next time around you will know a lot more than what you did last time.

Amen to that!

Sounds just like my relationship, except mine was only a couple of years. Rocky start, great middle, horrific ending.

I can only verify Walrus´ words about very beautiful women and the public projection of them.

There are a few who also happen to be beautiful on the inside, but oftentimes they are not. They are simply used to getting their way because of their looks alone.

[ve01603]

He gets his way because all he has to do is tell people that he is a doctor but he is a hick, lives in his basement, showers at the gym, and will follow someone anywhere for a joint.  Also, cheap beyond belief.  I think that part of the reason that he moved out is once he ran up the hospital bill, he doesn't want to pay his part of the rent here.

Then he had the nerve to tell his brother and his brother's girlfriend that they should pay his hospital bill because they took him in. 

UNBELIEVABLE!

[ve01603]

With all due respect, the guy sounds like a jerkoff...   at some point you will look at yourself and realize you are too good for this hick sounding douche.  The desperation or neediness you portray even ever so slightly are just feeding the egos of him and his jughead buddy.

Sounds like you've met them.  That is a dead on decription.  When I first met him and he was living in his office with no shower like he is now, he would wash up in the sink when he didn't want to go to the gym to shower, and call it a hillbilly shower.

No class, and he's a doctor.  He puts on such an act for his patients and they just blindly to to him, like sheep, and he has all the drug and alcohol problems.  I can't believe it.

[NIO]

it's just that I still want some kind of closure or apology and for him to act like a man, but I know that it won't happen.

You have your answer there VE. I believe closure comes when we have healed and moved on. We not going to get it from them.

[ve01603]

NIO, you are right, there is a really good piece on this site about breaking up with a BPD and it talks about not getting closure.

I gave myself closure.  He had the breakdown because of drugs and alcolhol.  He projected it all onto me and blamed me.  He is cheap.  He now has a hospital bill.  He blames me, his brother and his brother's girlfriend.  We took him to the hospital and saved his life, it's our fault.  Plus it is embarrassing to  him so he has to run away, a defense mechanism.

He can't possilby stay with me.  How can he ever call me a psycho again when I have it in black and white that it is him.  He lost all of his power.

Darn, that was pretty good.  I guess I get it.  Should have been a psychologist.

I do feel sorry for him though.  If he would stop alcohol, drugs, trashy friends and get treatment, I would still help him.

I'm a keeper.  He some guy a real favor, we just don't know who yet.

[DAS]

 I saw mine twice after our breakup in places that she had no good reason to be other than the possibility of running into me. Both times she had her new guy in tow and both times I went the other way as soon as I saw them. So it happens.

What worries me is why you followed him... .Why did you seek out interaction? What were you hoping to gain from talking to him? ?

[ve01603]

I followed him not knowing that he had his piece of trash buddy in the car with him and he was sober so I figured that I would be able to talk some sense into him, but he was with the piece of trash and he was stoned. 

[ve01603]

Dr. Phill: 

I didn't know that you were the Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man.  I love him.

[DAS]

I followed him not knowing that he had his piece of trash buddy in the car with him and he was sober so I figured that I would be able to talk some sense into him, but he was with the piece of trash and he was stoned. 

Hmmm - well there is no such thing as "talk[ing] some sense" to a pwBPD. They don't hear that - drunk, stoned, sober, alone, with friends.

So that is why I am asking... .Do you still think that would have happened if trash buddy wasn't there?

Cause I am pretty sure it would have been worse.

    Stay safe.