I need help! My marriage is so draining!

[mssciart]

I'm new to this site. I have been married to a BPD husband for 26 years! We have always had a tumultuous marriage right from the very beginning. The first counselor (and there have been several) said he thought my husband had BPD but no one else has said that and he didn't hear it so doesn't know anything about it. I was married before and my first husband passed away. I married fairly quickly to a man I had already known. But I did not know he had such anger issues! I had a successful first marriage and naively assumed that this one would get better with time, especially when my husband realized I was committed to making the marriage work. I thought he would feel safe and not have such rages. I left for a full year one time after a blow-up but we went to counseling and worked to understand how to get along better. It really didn't help but I felt that we were at least trying. We go for periods without huge blow-ups but there's always the feeling that I'm going to do something to set him off. I definitely walk on eggshells. What changed at this time is he went away for 5 months last winter (he had hoped I would join him but we were really in a bad place at that time and I didn't join him) and acted like he was single. His friends wanted to set him up. And there was one woman in particular that he became friends with - he accepted an invitation from her to go the movies. I only found out about this because I read his texts. I could tell he was withholding something from me when he came back so I looked at his texts. He got super angry with me for looking at his texts (rightfully so, I guess).  He told me it was just friendly and nothing romantic but he also said he really enjoyed hanging out with her and she made him laugh and feel happy. Soooo now I'm having a hard time dealing with the thought that he felt free to become "involved" with another woman. I try to let it go because I do feel that it was benign but I must have enough insecurities issues to have a hard time.  Anyway, I'm working on that but I continue to have to deal with his being angry with me over every little thing I do. He blames me for whatever insecure feeling he has in whatever situation. He says he feels invisible with the family and they don't care about him (it's a blended family situation). I guess there's multiple issues I'm dealing with here but wonder if this forum can give me some pointers in dealing with him. Also I know I need to work on myself and figure out how to not engage in his rages. Obviously, I recognize that I must be codependent and enabling but don't know how to stop. I'm beginning to feel like I'm doing everything wrong and should probably just quit the marriage but I've got 26 years invested! Help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chief Drizzt]

Hi-  so sorry you are in this situation.  You’ve come to the right place and will find there are quite a few of us here who have been in long term marriages with people who have or we suspect have BPD.   One good thing about this forum - is you will quickly realize that you are not alone when you read about similar situations.  That alone makes it worth it to pop in regularly. 

I do think time apart is good.  For the first 25 years of my marriage we went through long periods of separation but it was all due to my former military career which required me to be gone all the time.  I’ve been retired for 6 years now and the longest we’ve been apart has been a week (last Thanksgiving) and it did us both a lot of good.  Although I think it did myself more good than her.  I just needed a break from it all.  I don’t know about going 5 months or a year though.  In all honesty if I could go that long it would probably be over for us. 

Regarding the other woman he met during your last separation.  That would be a line crossed that would be unacceptable to me - particularly after 26 years of marriage.  One thing to consider is that if you are at your limit that could be the tipping point to call it quits.  Given all the stuff you have to deal with in your relationship you don’t deserve to have infidelity thrown into the mix - or the appearance of it. It’s definitely something you should convey during your next therapy with him.  Not sure I would bring that up in any other context though.  That has the potential to get really ugly. Take what I say with a grain of salt as after 33 years of marriage myself it’s not an issue we’ve had.  I’m just sharing my thoughts on it.   

[mssciart]

Thanks for the response, Chief Drizzt.

We are not in therapy presently. Mostly because in the past it hasn't really helped. But I do know now that I want to concentrate more on myself. I'm not sure what type of therapist to seek out. Someone who deals with spouses of someone with BPD?

I'm not lily white in all of this. I "engage" when he is yelling at me. I can only be strong for so long but then the frustration of trying to reason with him breaks me. After the yelling he will give me the silent treatment (which is happening right now for a ridiculous reason). I seriously don't know how to break this cycle. Clearly what I am doing isn't helping.

I have always thought "Christian way" was to stay in your marriage. Since I had a healthy, happy marriage the first time (for 20 years!), I just didn't realize marriage could be so unhealthy with two seemingly "normal" adults!  How did I get in this situation?? I've forgotten how to live in a normal relationship, I think. I'm quite sure I have not set a single boundary with my BPD husband for fear of escalating the argument. That's probably my biggest regret. Is it too late to start trying to do that?

I just don't know if I'm ready to quit the marriage. He's a good man. Probably a large percentage of people in circumstances like this say that. It feels like his insecurities have become mine though. One minute I feel like a badass and then the next day I feel so alone and unloved.

And just for some background, I am my husband's third wife. He has a son who is estranged from us. And a sister he no longer speaks to. So I would think he would clearly see that he has some sort of relationship problem. But nope, he blames them for doing things that make it ok for him to become distant and lose touch. I do think he would allow them back into his life if they made the first move. He says he has these black holes for people that have gone by the wayside.

It's the withholding of love that gets me the most. During his periods of being in a sullen, pouty mood he won't speak to me. If I say I love him, he won't acknowledge it or say he loves me. Many times I can deal with it but sometimes it just becomes too lonely. Is withholding a characteristic of one with BPD traits?

Thanks for listening!

[mssciart]

I really need some help on handling these days of silent treatment! And blaming me for it...

Last week we had a snow storm. My undiagnosed BPD husband and I spent time shoveling and he even offered to help our neighbor, who refused. Later this neighbor (Jim) comes to our house and says he's going to shovel our deck because the snow would get too heavy for it. My husband says he doesn't want the deck shoveled. But Jim insists. So now my husband is starting to lose it and become really agitated. I didn't know what to do. At this point I'm just trying to stay out of the crosshairs. I'm trying to joke a little to diffuse the tension and tell the neighbor "oh well, if it falls down, it falls down." My husband interprets this as me taking Jim's side and says for him to go ahead if he insists. I have no idea why Jim didn't just leave but that's his personality so he shovels the deck.

I tell my husband to just go in the other room and try to calm down. After Jim leaves, I go into the other room and try to give my husband a hug and tell him I know that was awkward and I understood that he was upset. The whole situation was just messy!  He refuses to let me hug him and looks at me with daggers in his eyes! He blamed me for not having his back. I told him I tried to might light of the situation and for Jim to leave but he's such a helpful neighbor and insisted. But he shouldn't have and I agreed with my husband about that.

The next day I'm still apologizing for his feeling that I didn't have his back. I truly could understand how he could feel that way. Well, he's not having it. My apology means nothing. So now he's not talking to me, won't even look at me and speaks to me in rude, one word answers.

What could I have done differently or rather what can I do now? I end up not talking to him to avoid any conflict and dealing with his rudeness.  It just makes me feel so unloved and frankly, angry! Then I go into these thoughts of "should I stay or should I leave?"

This is typical of how our conflicts are handled - go silent, hope the feelings fade away and move on.  We usually don't "resolve" any conflicts. And then we repeat the scenario over and over... In our next fight, a previous conflict may or may not come up because it's never been resolved.

Are there tools for dealing with the aftermath of these episodes? How can I break the cycle of silent treatment? 

[mitochondrium]

Im sorry you have to deal with such things, stg. that is just a minor inconvenience or stg. that would normally go by with a slight annoyance, can trigger pBPD into moods and behaviours you describe.

I would suggest next time to return him what is his... He could have said to the neighbour that he should not shovel your deck. Maybe say it 3 times or whatever to make him stop if he has such strong emotions towards this, that was not your responsibility. I know how hard it is to stop apologising, but I urge you to stop, if it is not your fault. If you keep apologising, you agree that it was your fault to not 'have his back when it really wasnt - from my point of view you did not not have his back.
Maybe rather say something like: ''Im sorry you feel that way and it was not my intention to not have your back, I also did not feel that strongly about the neighbour shoveling our deck... Next time, if you feel that way maybe try to be more persistent in conversation and demand that he doesnt shovel our land. ''
He will then probably want you to apologise to him for your ''faulty'' behaviour, try to put it on you, what you should have done etc. Then it is time to endure to the end, nicely but firmly state what you have already stated again.... and then you have a boundary.

[mssciart]

Thank you so much! I hadn't thought about my response creating a boundary. I will definitely try that in other situations in the future.

As far as enduring to the end, do you mean to wait out his silent treatment? He'll not really continue to talk about what happened, he'll just wait until his emotions have calmed down and resume his days as usual (well, he'll continue to pout awhile but eventually will get back to normal). When the next "problem" occurs he may or may not bring it back up and the process starts all over.

It's the silence, rudeness and withholding of love that gets old. Any suggestions there?