Navigating ultimatums while trying to restore our relationship

[ShowingUp4me]

Backstory (I'll try to keep it brief): My gf and I have been together just over two years with a recent breakup included. I noticed lots of BPD tendencies in the first 3-4 months and by month 5 she was diagnosed. She had suspicions for years but was not ready to face it until then. She had some very dark times during our two years together resulting in intense stress and pain. I did walk away once during the first year but it only lasted a couple weeks and we reconciled. Everything continued with a very slow increase in her distancing herself until about 4 months ago she became very dissociative and resentful and randomly decided to cut things off with me. She claimed she needed to work on her own mental health and couldn't stand to hurt me any more however within days she was entirely with another woman claiming to be head over heels. This truly shattered me since I had fought so hard for us for so long at that point. In less than 2 months this woman broke up with her which was a blow to her ego leading her to search for someone else immediately. She ended up connecting with one of our good mutual friends who was having marital issues at the time. This felt like a stab in the heart from both of them so I truly let myself disconnect. Before our breakup I had gotten the opportunity to take a trip and declined for financial reasons and the opportunity came back around with the majority being paid for after finding out about the friend and my gf so I decided to book now that it wasn't as much of a financial strain and desperately needing the vacation. I chose to also invite my child's father so he could experience the vacation with our child too. We have a wonderful co-parenting relationship which has always been a conflict with my gf. Fast forward to three weeks ago she had a moment where she reached out to me and I responded and when we saw each other it felt like "her". She had the glimmer in her eyes, spoke sweetly to me, kissed me and acted with intention and did things in meaningful ways. All of it got me and I started getting closer again. She said so many things right away that felt like big changes, talks of going to therapy together, trying to move in together, becoming friends and forming a healthy relationship with my co-parent for the sake of our child and expressing that she wanted to help create a loving healthy environment for all of us as a family (night and day from before when she wanted chaos and acted jealous and resentful). Last week I talked to her about booking the trip during the time we were broken up and she shifted completely. Basically everything she has said has gone out the window and now she has told me that if I decide to take the trip with the co-parent and my child she is done for good and will never speak to me again. When  I asked her about taking the trip with just my child alone she said that it still wasn't fair for her to have to be left out and to not expect her to "just sit around waiting" while I am away. I have explained to her my thoughts on each of the choices that can be made and she has just gotten more angry, insulting and hurtful with her words. I can see it clearly as self sabotage to try to end things before she has to feel the "abandonment" of me being gone for a trip. I am really struggling because we are at such a vulnerable place in our relationship after just trying to get back together and rebuild things in positive ways. I don't know if she was just telling me things she thought I would want to hear to get back together or if this could actually be what she wants for our future. I feel like even if I cancel the trip there will be some way that I've still done wrong and it will feel so unhealthy. I also just do not want to disappoint my child cancelling the trip last minute. After her outburst tonight I'm feeling so drained, discouraged and sad. I'm not sure how to even process her ultimatum or try to move forward.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

After her outburst tonight I'm feeling so drained, discouraged and sad. I'm not sure how to even process her ultimatum or try to move forward.

Hi Showing and welcome to the family.  I'm sorry you're going through this since the situation sounds pretty volitile.

In BPD relationships, there will always be some unhealthy fears of abandonment and you have to decide where to draw boundaries- what's worth standing for versus what to let go.  I am a firm believer that once we become parents, the child's needs should ALWAYS come before mom's and dad's in everything...so this would be a clear boundary for me.  If you allow her to dictate what you do with this vacation, then she's going to do it anytime the father is involved.

Let's talk about your options here-

1) Go on the trip as planned.

2)  Don't go on the trip at all.

3)  Go on the trip without dad.

4) Go on the trip w/ dad and girlfriend.

For me, the question is simple- which option serves your child the best?  To help us see where your mindset is at, can you rank the four options for us?

I realize you're worried about what will happen if you follow through on your vacation as planned.  It's a legitimate concern and it will potentially cause problems down the road.  That's par for the course in a BPD relationship though so you must see the bigger picture here and decide on which boundaries really matter.  Who comes first?  Who's needs are more important (yours included)?  Think this out and let us know what you feel.

[ShowingUp4me]

I definitely feel the same way and my child's needs are my top priority for sure. After such a rough season I really feel like I want to take this trip to make some wonderful memories and relax mentally and physically. She really isn't able to make the trip work right now with work and finances and if I'm being honest I'm not sure I could trust her right now to be able to take a vacation peacefully with us. I think I would have to rank them currently: 1,3,2,4
You brought up a really great point in saying that if I allow her to dictate the outcome of this vacation she will feel like she can try anytime it has to do with the father and that is spot on because it's been a large problem in the past and something she seemed to have worked on and now it's pretty apparent that it was just talk and not action. As much as I know it will hurt her, it is so important to me to continue raising my child in a healthy environment without conflict and that is not something I can allow myself to budge on. I really hope in time she chooses to do the work on herself so that she can heal. I love her so much and really wish all of this was easier. I've even noticed in these few weeks back together that my body is physically reacting to the stress and maybe it's a loud sign I need to be listening to. Thank you for your thought provoking response, it's been so helpful to work through my emotions and thoughts

[Pook075]

I definitely feel the same way and my child's needs are my top priority for sure. After such a rough season I really feel like I want to take this trip to make some wonderful memories and relax mentally and physically. She really isn't able to make the trip work right now with work and finances and if I'm being honest I'm not sure I could trust her right now to be able to take a vacation peacefully with us. I think I would have to rank them currently: 1,3,2,4
You brought up a really great point in saying that if I allow her to dictate the outcome of this vacation she will feel like she can try anytime it has to do with the father and that is spot on because it's been a large problem in the past and something she seemed to have worked on and now it's pretty apparent that it was just talk and not action. As much as I know it will hurt her, it is so important to me to continue raising my child in a healthy environment without conflict and that is not something I can allow myself to budge on. I really hope in time she chooses to do the work on herself so that she can heal. I love her so much and really wish all of this was easier. I've even noticed in these few weeks back together that my body is physically reacting to the stress and maybe it's a loud sign I need to be listening to. Thank you for your thought provoking response, it's been so helpful to work through my emotions and thoughts

I'm somewhat in a similar situation with a BPD ex wife and a BPD daughter, plus a non-BPD daughter.  Both daughters are in their early 20's, so we don't have the same challenges you do with a kid...but there's still a challenge there and I have to put my girls first.  That means keeping a healthy relationship with their mom.  If we argue, the kids ultimately are forced to take sides and that's not good for anyone.  So I completely understand what you mean here- even though he's an ex, he's still an important part of your life for your child's sake.

I also agree with your ranking and I think #1 is clearly the correct choice.  If you're pressured into bringing her, it will become a competition for attention and everyone will lose- she'll sabotage the whole thing (maybe unintentionally, but still).  I just wouldn't do it since it hurts your kid and hurts you.

If you decide not to go or cancel on the dad, it hurts the kid to please the girlfriend.  That's not a choice at all and you should never be asked to make that choice in a relationship.  Kids always come first...even when they're my kids age.

I wish you luck and I think you're doing the right thing- follow your moral compass here and don't sacrifice your feelings.

[ShowingUp4me]

If you decide not to go or cancel on the dad, it hurts the kid to please the girlfriend.  That's not a choice at all and you should never be asked to make that choice in a relationship.  Kids always come first...even when they're my kids age.

Thank you so much for your kind words on the situation. It is far from easy and I cannot imagine also having a child with bpd, you are so strong! The encouragement is so appreciated and it helps just to know that I'm not so alone in this. It feels like some days it just knocks the wind out of you and it's such a struggle when I just want her to let me love her and for our days to be as peaceful as possible.

[Pook075]

Thank you so much for your kind words on the situation. It is far from easy and I cannot imagine also having a child with bpd, you are so strong! The encouragement is so appreciated and it helps just to know that I'm not so alone in this. It feels like some days it just knocks the wind out of you and it's such a struggle when I just want her to let me love her and for our days to be as peaceful as possible.

Look, you're human and at times, you're going to make the wrong decision.  At times you might yell, vent, or secretly want to kick someone.  That's all part of life and it's okay.  BPD relationships are hard and many of us just come here to realize that we're not alone.  Some stories here are a billion times worse than yours or mine, so it does put things in perspective for me.

Just remember while you're easing back into this relationship- you may love her, but the kid comes first and that needs to be plainly obvious.  Don't just assume she gets it- say it and explain that you'll never negotiate there.  You're not choosing the ex husband....you're choosing what the kid wants and what she's excited for.

This may well come back to bite you.  But as long as you realize what matters to you the most, then this is not your decision...it's hers.  Don't be guilted into feeling bad over it either, because you have to be true to yourself. 

So many of us were married for 5, 10, 20+ years to someone with BPD and sacrificed so much of ourselves to make them happy....things we never should have budged on.  It's FANTASTIC that you're coming into this with eyes wide open and actually processing it from the start. 

[ShowingUp4me]

I let her know today that we (my child, my child’s father and I) will be going on the trip tomorrow. She did not take it well even though she has already been pulling away even more all week. She told me that she had set a boundary and that I’m making my choice but she is done. She was very matter of fact about it and very cold. I’m feeling so hurt in so many ways but I’m trying to be okay with everything since I have no idea how it will go from here. She mentioned probably needing to completely not talk to me but then called me again hours later. My mind and my heart have just taken such a rough ride with her in the last two years. I’m exhausted to my core. Deep down I know that I only want to be with someone who is wholeheartedly supportive of a positive co parenting relationship and it is almost unfair to want her to stay in our relationship if she is admitting that she isn’t emotionally in a place to want that. Ugh, this is all just so hard and my heart feels so uneasy

[Pook075]

I let her know today that we (my child, my child’s father and I) will be going on the trip tomorrow. She did not take it well even though she has already been pulling away even more all week. She told me that she had set a boundary and that I’m making my choice but she is done. She was very matter of fact about it and very cold. I’m feeling so hurt in so many ways but I’m trying to be okay with everything since I have no idea how it will go from here. She mentioned probably needing to completely not talk to me but then called me again hours later. My mind and my heart have just taken such a rough ride with her in the last two years. I’m exhausted to my core. Deep down I know that I only want to be with someone who is wholeheartedly supportive of a positive co parenting relationship and it is almost unfair to want her to stay in our relationship if she is admitting that she isn’t emotionally in a place to want that. Ugh, this is all just so hard and my heart feels so uneasy

I'm so sorry to hear of her decision, but at the same time you received the answer that you were looking for.  She's not willing to put your needs or your child's needs above her own insecurities.  I do understand her point of view and empathize with it- she's fearing abandonment and taking this personally, like you're going on a romantic getaway.  But at the same time, people with BPD can choose to trust their partners.  So realize that this is a clear choice against what you and your child needs.

Just know that her timing on this was planned- don't let it ruin your vacation or bring down your kid!  Go and have fun, make some great memories, and use this time to clear your mind.

Again, I applaud you for recognizing necessary boundaries and sticking to your guns.  Literally all of us failed in that regard and ended up paying for it.  Let us know what we can do to help once you're back at home!