First Post- Looking for Guidance

[snooze29]

I'm just looking for some guidance. I'm trying to get my ex with bpd back, as I can tell that her feelings for me are still there. But she's giving me the silent treatment and whenever I start making a little progress. I end up seemingly messing things up. Some background, We broke up 2 months ago, a few weeks afterwards I had a suspicion that she had unblocked me. So I reached out and the majority of our conversations have been good. I did accidently overwhelm her twice and that's lead to the current situation. She was giving me the silent treatment for about 2 or 3 weeks prior to last week. It started when I asked her about meeting up. She responded but dodged the question so I jokingly pressed her on it. But of course that didn't work, and instead of dropping it I decided for the next 3 days to send her funny memes or texts throughout the days. Again dumb, because I was just overwhelming her again. After the 3rd day I told her I would just reach out once a week. This went on for 2 more weeks. Each weekly text I made sure to reassure her that I still loved her and that I wasn't taking anything personal.

Then this past week, I noticed she was listening to some of the songs from a band I introduced her to. So I took a chance and reached out with a simple "thinking about you".  She responded pretty quickly saying she had made a playlist and that she was thinking about me too. We didn't get into anything deep and it was only about 3 texts from her. But I chose to end the night saying that I still loved her and that I missed her. I didn't expect anything from her, and was going to wait reach out until the day I normally send out the weekly text. However, she surprised me with a meme the day before. I tried initiating a friendly conversation but that didn't take. I did get a response later on to a meme I sent her but again nothing deep.

I wrestled with myself over sending the text I had planned for the following day. It was a little long but I wanted to apologize for how I reacted over the situation that caused us to break up. The breakup was silly because it happened all over texts and was just miscommunication. But I did get passionate in those texts and she told me later on that she felt like I was aggressive towards her. I made sure to validate those feelings she had and also reassure her that I wasn't upset or taking anything personal.

With it being such a long text I'm scared I goofed up yet again. It has only been 2 days and I never expected a reply from her to begin with. But I can't help but feel like every time I start to make progress with her. I end up doing something dumb or silly to bring me back to square 1. I have been doing what I can to learn more about bpd and gain a better understanding. In fact it seems like every time I do something seemingly dumb. It's after the fact that I learn that I should have done the opposite or tried a different perspective. Which is a little defeating but at least I have the understanding now.

I guess what I'm hoping to learn is how to better communicate with her. I know I need to give her time and space to process everything. But I also don't want her to feel like I'm going anywhere. But at the same time I wish I knew if my attempts are working at all or if she's completely written me off.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Your attempts to open up communication with her so far seem to start off well with a friendly casual tone, then you tend to follow up too quickly with too much. It reminds me of planting seeds in the garden, and when they haven’t broken through the surface yet, digging them up to see if they’ve sprouted, and in the process of doing that, killing the seed, if that makes sense. Patience…

[tina7868]

Hi snooze29  ! I can relate a lot to your post. It can be difficult to find the right balance when it comes to communication. I think a good place to start is to, momentarily, take the focus away from her and the relationship, and bring it back to you. What state of mind are you in when you reach out? What makes you doubt yourself? What beliefs do you have about the relationship? It may sound like a longer process, but at the end of the day, trusting yourself and knowing your value will allow for the stability that is required to find that needed balance to reach out with confidence and find some peace. Be kind to yourself!

[snooze29]

Your attempts to open up communication with her so far seem to start off well with a friendly casual tone, then you tend to follow up too quickly with too much. It reminds me of planting seeds in the garden, and when they haven’t broken through the surface yet, digging them up to see if they’ve sprouted, and in the process of doing that, killing the seed, if that makes sense. Patience…

Thanks Cat Familiar,

Funnily enough I just finished ordering some seeds for my garden before I read these. So that feels like a sign to me. I always thought I was a patient person. But I guess this is a trickier situation, specially since I'm missing her. So I'll definitely look into ways to help improve my patience. I have been actively looking for a new hobby or something to give me a good distraction while I wait things out. 

Hi snooze29  ! I can relate a lot to your post. It can be difficult to find the right balance when it comes to communication. I think a good place to start is to, momentarily, take the focus away from her and the relationship, and bring it back to you. What state of mind are you in when you reach out? What makes you doubt yourself? What beliefs do you have about the relationship? It may sound like a longer process, but at the end of the day, trusting yourself and knowing your value will allow for the stability that is required to find that needed balance to reach out with confidence and find some peace. Be kind to yourself!

Thanks tina7868,

My state of mind has been, nervous about miscommunicating something but also hopeful that what I'm sending her might break through a little. I know most of what I've sent her has been helping. But those don't seem to matter if I miss the target on one of them.

In regards to doubting myself. I have a bad habit of overthinking things. Which I think is why I ended up sending her that last text. Instead of accepting that she was talking again and just rolling with it. Again though I don't think the text itself was bad and I'm hopeful she received it well. But the length makes me think I overwhelmed her with it. 1 step forward 3 steps back, kind of vibe.

As for what I believe about the relationship. I feel like there's a good thing between us. We connect on a lot of the same things and we've never had a bad moment when we've actually been together. And I also know I can be a stable person in her life. I'm not looking to change her but I do think she's on a good path that with the right person she may feel inclined to seek out DBT or some other form of therapy. I do know she has had some therapy in the past. While I don't know her exact diagnosis, other than that she does have bpd. From what I've been reading I'm inclined to think she has high functioning quiet bpd. She's also very self aware and I think that may make it harder for her to open up.

That's kind of where all this started, she had been opening up to me about some things. But when her depression really kicked in, I was trying too hard to get her to talk or be around me more. Mainly because every time we've been together I can tell her mood is brighter and more positive. But obviously it made her feel as if I was being pushy which just made things worse. And ultimately what started our heated conversation, with stupid things from me being said. I never said anything intentionally hurtful and never would. But I guess something I said or the way I came across made her feel like I was being aggressive. I've never been a fan of communicating over texts. But at the time that was the only form of communication she was allowing. In hind sight I should have tabled things and just patiently waited for a better moment to discuss things.

I guess my question at this point is, should I continue reaching out once a week, making sure to keep things short. Or should I pull the breaks and wait for her to reach back out to me? I know reassuring her, about how I feel about her and that I haven't been taking anything personal, have seemed to help. But at this point I feel like it could also be better to let her seek me out. I just also don't want her to feel like I've decided to stop trying.

[tina7868]

I guess my question at this point is, should I continue reaching out once a week, making sure to keep things short. Or should I pull the breaks and wait for her to reach back out to me? I know reassuring her, about how I feel about her and that I haven't been taking anything personal, have seemed to help. But at this point I feel like it could also be better to let her seek me out. I just also don't want her to feel like I've decided to stop trying.

My take, and you might disagree with me, is that there is no right or wrong answer. Instead, you should follow the path that feels right to you. How does reaching out to her make you feel? How would creating some distance make you feel? It`s normal if it`s hard to access your feelings after having been in fight or flight mode for a prolonged amount of time. Be easy on yourself.

What is your goal in all of this, and how can you achieve it in a sustainable manner? Imagine your ideal way that things play out. What does your relationship with her look like, and more importantly, how do you show up in that relationship? By exploring these questions, your actions will become more intentional, and you will gain trust in yourself. Bring the focus back to you!

[once removed]

My state of mind has been, nervous about miscommunicating something but also hopeful that what I'm sending her might break through a little.
...
I have a bad habit of overthinking things

would you describe yourself as an anxious person?

i know i can be, and i know its had an impact on my relationships. historically, when i would be anxious, i would act on it. in essence, id do something that i thought would reassure me about the relationship. id get needy. the result was usually that it pushed people away. sometimes when that would happen, id up the ante, because i felt more anxious.

i liken it a little bit to "bad manners", but in relationships. no one is born with good manners, but theyre easy to learn and change.

Instead of accepting that she was talking again and just rolling with it. Again though I don't think the text itself was bad and I'm hopeful she received it well. But the length makes me think I overwhelmed her with it

it seems like you can see this through her eyes, how she takes it, how she responds, and why. thats good; if something isnt working, it helps to see it, and not to double down, but people do it all the time.

the trouble seems to be seeing it ahead of time. it takes practice. but thats why i bring up anxiety, or anxious responses.

i knew a girl who, when shed be seeing someone new, would get anxious if she sent a text, and it wasnt responded to shortly. she would take that as a bad sign, and she would send another text. when there was no reply to that, shed send another. by that point, if she didnt get a reply, shed start sending more texts, defending herself or attacking the other person. usually, that person just wasnt available. so by now a budding relationship was over before it started. youd think shed start to intuit that her methods were counter productive, but instead, she just doubled down when it came to seeking reassurance.

its usually hard to see our impulses, and what drives them. but by first recognizing them, and then practicing different responses, those impulses lose their hold.

I guess my question at this point is, should I continue reaching out once a week, making sure to keep things short. Or should I pull the breaks and wait for her to reach back out to me? I know reassuring her, about how I feel about her and that I haven't been taking anything personal, have seemed to help. But at this point I feel like it could also be better to let her seek me out. I just also don't want her to feel like I've decided to stop trying.

if you want to reach out, you might try it. i would suggest not bringing anything up about what happened, or anything too heavy. it sounds like she felt like the letter you sent was a bit too heavy, a bit too much. if youre going to reach out, you want to do the opposite of that. light, cool, upbeat, no drama. be prepared though, if she doesnt respond, to dial it back. "dont chase" is a good rule of thumb.

[snooze29]

My take, and you might disagree with me, is that there is no right or wrong answer. Instead, you should follow the path that feels right to you. How does reaching out to her make you feel? How would creating some distance make you feel? It`s normal if it`s hard to access your feelings after having been in fight or flight mode for a prolonged amount of time. Be easy on yourself.

What is your goal in all of this, and how can you achieve it in a sustainable manner? Imagine your ideal way that things play out. What does your relationship with her look like, and more importantly, how do you show up in that relationship? By exploring these questions, your actions will become more intentional, and you will gain trust in yourself. Bring the focus back to you!

I appreciate any takes right now, just reading input from people with experience has been a tremendous help. At the moment reaching out is all I want to do. But I know that's a bit selfish on my part and would in some ways be invalidating her feelings. So I'm trying to remind myself of that. At the same time though I just don't want her to feel like I'm not there. So trying to figure out that balance has been rough. And what's been making things better/worse. Honestly, part of me wants to just go silent until she reaches out. As that would be granting her the time and space she wants. But I also don't want to risk the chance that she thinks I've given up and then she doesn't feel like reaching out would be worth it.

My current goal is to just get an opportunity for both of us to meet up again. Because I just have this strong gut feeling that everything will fall back into place. Then from there I'd slowly bring up boundaries/expectations so that we're both on the same page again. And also ask for her input in regards to how I should react to moments like this. As well as hopefully gaining some understanding on her triggers so I know what to attempt to avoid in the future. I know that this won't be a one-off, so I just want to prepare myself as best I can. So hopefully the next time isn't as bad or I'll at least be better off when I get hit with the silent treatment again.

would you describe yourself as an anxious person?
...
it seems like you can see this through her eyes, how she takes it, how she responds, and why. thats good; if something isnt working, it helps to see it, and not to double down, but people do it all the time.
...
if you want to reach out, you might try it. i would suggest not bringing anything up about what happened, or anything too heavy. it sounds like she felt like the letter you sent was a bit too heavy, a bit too much. if youre going to reach out, you want to do the opposite of that. light, cool, upbeat, no drama. be prepared though, if she doesnt respond, to dial it back. "dont chase" is a good rule of thumb.

Thanks for the response once removed,

Typically I haven't been an anxious person, but with our falling out and the current silent treatment it definitely has given me a lot of anxiety. I'm just finding it hard to distract myself. At this point I know a positive response > no response >> negative response. So logically I should be at peace with her not responding. And I had that peace for a while when it was just the weekly texts. But I guess her talking again and then me seemingly messing things up again, has really thrown me off. Also to apply my own logic, her not responding to that long text doesn't necessarily mean anything negative. It's just how my brain likes to spin things. I do know my intuition has been spot on throughout this whole ordeal. So I should find some peace in that as well. However, I can think these things and say these things. But making my brain believe it seems to be a completely different story.

Where was this post last night? It may have given me the strength to hold off texting her again! I did opt to reach out but made sure to keep it light and short. I simply told her I felt lost at the moment and could use some input from her on what I should or shouldn't be doing. I do feel better about this text than the last one. I also think I'm going to try waiting as long as I can before reaching out next time. I hate the idea of her thinking I'm giving up. But at the same time if I am invalidating her by reaching out then maybe I'm better off waiting. 

I have been using the time between texts to learn more about bpd and also browse this forum as well as others. Just looking to better understand how she perceives things. Which has been a tremendous help, and I'm also glad I decided to engage in posting here. Getting the thoughts out there has been extremely helpful.  But at the same time its been a constant reminder of her. So I know I need to find more alternative distractions.