Anyone else's adult child spend all of their time in their room?

[Outathinair]

My BPD son is 21 and clinically depressed. He is unemployed after being fired from 2 jobs and we medically withdrew him from school in November due to an emotional breakdown. He spends 100% of his time in his room. He makes music on his laptop. That is all he does. He only comes out to eat and even then its not for every meal. He stays up all night until 5 or 6 am then sleeps all day. The only time he goes out is when I drive him to therapy 2x week or he is going to see his Psych. My patience is wearing very thin. I give him jobs to do around the house like vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher etc. He does them but then goes right back into his room. I find myself boiling with anger when I come home from work and he's just woken up at 4 in the afternoon and we've all been working/going to school etc. I know he needs help and I'm doing all I can for him but I feel so angry and disappointed in him. Anyone have a similar situation and can offer some advice? Thanks so much.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[stampingt1]

Outathinair,

Last summer our son was up all night & slept all day. Hubby successfully got his sleep schedule back on track. I think that would things at your house, too.

I have started going to therapy for me & ordered to books on BPD.  Those things might help you, too! You need to practice "self-care".

Good luck!

P.S. Your son staying in his room is a mixed blessing to me. If our son did that, then I would be less afraid of setting him off.

[FaithHopeLove]

When our xBPD son lived at home he pretty much did the same thing. I think it was due to his depression. Confronting him did no good. He really wasn't able to do otherwise. It is great your son is in therapy. It is also great that he does the chores you assign him. I think there is hope for him. Do you agree?

[Outathinair]

I'm not sure there is hope. I desperately want there to be. We have all the hope in the world for him. Unfortunately he doesn't have any for himself. He has a public twitter that he doesn't know we look at to check up on him. He posts a lot about wanting to die. A few hours ago he wrote "I'm dying young and I'm not even sad about it". Ofcourse I wasn't able to get back to sleep after reading that. I cannot talk to him it just sets him off and he won't share anything with us. I'm having trouble functioning because I am so worried about him.  He doesn't take the advice of the therapist which is to get out and exercise. He hasn't showered in probably a week and doesn't seem to care. He doesn't want to go to the hospital. I really don't know what to do for him. Tomorrow will be a week he is on zoloft. It seems like no antidepressant works for him. I know I have to give it some time for it to work. I'm just desperate for him to feel better. Thanks everyone for listening.

[FaithHopeLove]

I know what you mean about having a hard time finding hope. It is hard for me too sometimes. But both of our sons are still young and a lot can change as they get older and (hopefully) mature.

[DriftlessRider]

The outward-manifestation of my 21yo daughter's diseases looks a lot like laziness. I suppose the two aren't mutually exclusive, but I've decided to blame the disease for now at least. She spends a lot of time on her computer. Either in her apartment or on our couch. A lot. I wish she were out in the physical world more, that is a big goal.

I think, maybe, these are safe spaces where our kids can avoid triggers that set off their emotions. They are protecting themselves.

I have traded nagging "get a job" for lot's of expressions of love and support. As one person at our NAMI group said, she has all she can handle on her plate just trying to survive. Love her and let her be.

Doesn't feel like good parenting some days, but I really just want to to be alive for quite a while longer.

[FaithHopeLove]

As one person at our NAMI group said, she has all she can handle on her plate just trying to survive. Love her and let her be.

I can really relate to that. It is really important to understand what they are going through and respond with compassion not condemnation. Boundaries - yes. Unrealistic expectations - no.

[Lollypop]

Hi outathinair

My son used to be the same. He could barely lift his head up and talk. He was 24 and newly diagnosed, very depressed. Refused treatment or seek a job or seek benefits. He wanted to be left alone. He was stuck.

I found this forum. First thing I learnt was that for my son to behave like an adult he needed to be treated like one. But he was helpless. He needed my help right?  Second thing I learnt was that he needed the right kind of help from me. I got focussed here reading about BPD and it helped me understand what was going on - including my part in that.

Son is now 28 and living in a half way situation. He’s functioning - currently doing ok. I’m telling you this so you know that there’s hope. I had to change myself in order to parent in the way he needed. We are here to help you help yourself.

Your son is going to treatment. How’s that going?

LP

[Outathinair]

Thank you everyone for your sound advice. I really do take it to heart and am learning from you all.
Lollipop - He likes his therapist which is good but I don't think she is good for him. She is a total flake, is always late, forgets appointments and gives conflicting advice depending on the day. However, I won't dare suggest switching because he will see that as me trying to control him and he'll stick with her just for spite. Sigh. Just tonight he posted on his twitter that he was ready to die. I went into his room and asked if he was okay and he got angry and said I SAID I'm FINE stop asking me. I left his room and texted him a few minutes later saying I loved him and was just asking because I was worried. He said he was fine and he doesn't like when anyone questions him because he feels cornered. I said I understood and apologized for making him feel that way. I asked him to promise me that if he feels suicidal that he will tell me. He said he would. I gave him the number to the national suicide hotline and the text number. I'm doing all I can but I can't help but feel I'm going to lose my son. This is a nightmare. I'm praying hard. I'm so thankful to have you all to vent to and I think you all from the bottom of my heart.

[DriftlessRider]

I left his room and texted him a few minutes later saying I loved him and was just asking because I was worried. He said he was fine and he doesn't like when anyone questions him because he feels cornered. I said I understood and apologized for making him feel that way. I asked him to promise me that if he feels suicidal that he will tell me. He said he would. I gave him the number to the national suicide hotline and the text number.

That sounds so positive to me. Expression of love and then dialogue. He tried to explain why he was acting as he was. I hope that is a sign of good things to come Outathinair, I wish the best for you.

[SkellyII]

My 16 BPD daughter has gone through periods where she stays in her room and won't come down to have dinner with me and her brother. I don't let her take her laptop upstairs, so if she wants to use it she has to come down and socialize, which has helped. That's probably not going to work with an adult, but maybe you could figure out something fun that he would enjoy enough to come out.

Thank you everyone for your sound advice. I really do take it to heart and am learning from you all.
Lollipop - He likes his therapist which is good but I don't think she is good for him. She is a total flake, is always late, forgets appointments and gives conflicting advice depending on the day. However, I won't dare suggest switching because he will see that as me trying to control him and he'll stick with her just for spite. 

While he might like his therapist, if she's not helping him, it's time to move on. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold IMHO, especially with BPD, since the drugs aren't always that effective. We just got rid of a therapist who basically made my daughter worse instead of better. See my previous posts.

Maybe you could sit with him and ask him how he feels about his current therapist..ask him how he feels about her being late, forgetting appointments, etc. Hopefully he will voice some frustration, and you can gently offer to help him find a better one.

Take care,

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi outathinair

I can totally empathise I really can. That tangible fear of what they might do. Your son is clearly reaching out to the outside world. My son is hypersensitive to his environment. Actually I am too. Anybody who sits in their room is bound to feel low after awhile. The days easily rolling into one another. It’s so isolating.

My son resisted change and he still does at 28. He always chooses the path of least resistance. I wonder if your son does too.

There’s a few things I’d like to share. I used to follow my adult son on social media. It fuelled my fears. It stopped when a password change forced it upon me so I had no choice. I’d read his posts and then I’d react - sometimes not saying anything but certainly becoming upset or angry, sometimes I’d question him in a roundabout manner. My whole focus was him.

Now your son is talking about ending his life and this is very different from my situation. My son intimated it in arguments and later on, when we got a better and much healthier relationship, he told us himself. You may feel that you can’t stop reading his social media because you wouldn’t forgive yourself if something happened and I understand that. However, living on such high alert isn’t sustainable and I found that whatever I did the overall situation didn’t change. I decided to change my approach.

I put our core relationship as my number one priority. It came above everything else. Above his drug use, his refusal for treatment, his daily habits etc. My son hates being questioned or talking about his problems. So I stopped. I got light as a fairy.

I turned to this forum. I learnt better interaction skills that helped our relationship. My son finally relaxed in my presence.
I look back and see it was a multitude of things that helped him move from catatonic to functioning.

-more supportive environment where he was allowed to learn how to problem solve himself (because he was an adult)
-no expectations of him
-stability from providing free bed and board
-I stopped giving him money, no phone contract, no cigs,  etc
-I waited, open hearted, warm and smiling

What happened was that he borrowed and cadged from everyone he knew. It got him out of the house. His “friends” soon realised what was happening and they said “no”. The consequence was that he found himself 1 day casual work for cash. I drive him there and back because obviously he had no car if his own. It took nearly a month for his problem solving to kick in. His confidence started to grow.

It takes a lot of baby steps. It takes us to take control over ourselves and get clever, skilled up with better boundaries and limits. Otherwise, our future is just more of the same that is actually preventing their personal growth.

It’s great your son sees a therapist and that he likes her. He feels safe and has somebody to talk to. His choice is her? I understand that others may completely disagree with my view on this.  Your son is an adult and perhaps this might be the place to start with him understanding that his life is his responsibility and he’s is in control over his treatment. There are no quick fixes whether there’s treatment or not. Sadly, my son doesn’t seek treatment. He’s learning on the job so to speak- through trial and error. My son wants what we all want : that’s to be understood and loved.

There’s a lot that you can be doing to to start shifting from reaction to something more positive. I say this with very good intentions. Your son is so very lucky to have you and I can see you love him deeply.

Is your son on any prescribed meds? My son self medicates but no longer uses opioids thankfully.

LP