Introduction: A slow, arduous process.

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello Everybody,
I am relieved to be part of this group. My granddaughter has suffered from BPD since she was very young. She is 25 now. She has been living with me on and off throughout the years. Her mother was in complete denial that there was a problem. Having no information about the disorder, I had to rely on my instincts to help me along. A slow, arduous process. I had no support and felt isolated, hopeless and was in deep pain over not being able to "fix" the problem. I did not think I could feel any worse about my granddaughter's unhappiness until she became pregnant at the age of 15 and gave birth to a baby boy who is now 8 years old. My great-grandson has suffered more than I can describe at the hands of his BPD mother who was a child herself and again, I had no legal authority to take steps needed to help him. Yes, that includes calling CPS several times and ending up suing for custody and losing because of a faulty legal system. I removed myself from their lives for 2 years. My granddaughter reached out to me several times and I responded when she announced she was homeless. She wanted to live with me again. With assurances from her that she would see the psychiatrist, psychologists on a regular basis and take her meds consistently, she moved into my home. I was out of town for 4 months. She and her boyfriend moved into my house for 2 months, saying they were going to concentrate on working to pay bills including their share of the rent. After 2 months, they were joined by the boyfriend's son and my great-grandson who had been away for the summer. After 4 months, I returned home to join them. During the four month's my granddaughter and her boyfriend paid an average of $100.00 per month for rent. On my return, I confronted them on the rent. The boyfriend was now working a full-time job. My granddaughter applied for at least 5 different jobs. She interviewed and was hired for all of them in a sequence. She did not work more than 3 days at any of them and didn't show for the first day on a couple. The stress of having to be around and work with people caused the BPD to kick into high gear. it was clear to me, that she would not be able to hold down a job of any kind. She was also not being consistent with her counseling or meds. Two more months passed. I was getting $500 a month rent from them. It was being paid a $100 here a $100 there. Certainly, not on the first and far below the agreed upon rent. I live in a high rent area and it takes at least 3 paying roommates to meet the monthly rent. The holidays came, another huge trigger for the BPD. The general expectations of a "perfect" family life which none of us can live up to is worse with BPD and their abandonment issues. A crisis arose. I gave a 30 day notice verbally. My granddaughter's BPD was in full swing and she was lashing out and being physically destructive. For a moment, I let my anger out and immediately knew I had to find support somewhere. The environment I live in is normally calm and peaceful. Living with BPD is anything but. The random nastiness and mood swings keeps everyone in the house "walking on eggshells". I left the house immediately and tried to process and understand what to do next. It is now my great-grandson who is my biggest concern. He has been uprooted 5 times in the past 2 years. I reached out to friends I had not talked to in awhile. I reached out to my other daughter who listened. I realized I had to have more support. I began to search for a counselor or group I could join to talk about all that was going on in my life with the BPD person. I started a small text group with 3 others I knew who were dealing with family members with mental health issues. All of our issues were different but there were similarities as well. I do not want to burden friends or family members with the problems because after awhile, when there is no immediate resolution in sight, people become wary of listening to the same kind of problems. My search led me to this website and this support group. I had no intention of going on and on like I have just done when I started this post. It just seems to pour out. Thank you for the opportunity to share.

[cathegreat]

Hello Everybody,
I am relieved to be part of this group. My granddaughter has suffered from BPD since she was very young. She is 25 now. She has been living with me on and off throughout the years. Her mother was in complete denial that there was a problem. Having no information about the disorder, I had to rely on my instincts to help me along. A slow, arduous process. I had no support and felt isolated, hopeless and was in deep pain over not being able to "fix" the problem. I did not think I could feel any worse about my granddaughter's unhappiness until she became pregnant at the age of 15 and gave birth to a baby boy who is now 8 years old. My great-grandson has suffered more than I can describe at the hands of his BPD mother who was a child herself and again, I had no legal authority to take steps needed to help him. Yes, that includes calling CPS several times and ending up suing for custody and losing because of a faulty legal system. I removed myself from their lives for 2 years. My granddaughter reached out to me several times and I responded when she announced she was homeless. She wanted to live with me again. With assurances from her that she would see the psychiatrist, psychologists on a regular basis and take her meds consistently, she moved into my home. I was out of town for 4 months. She and her boyfriend moved into my house for 2 months, saying they were going to concentrate on working to pay bills including their share of the rent. After 2 months, they were joined by the boyfriend's son and my great-grandson who had been away for the summer. After 4 months, I returned home to join them. During the four month's my granddaughter and her boyfriend paid an average of $100.00 per month for rent. On my return, I confronted them on the rent. The boyfriend was now working a full-time job. My granddaughter applied for at least 5 different jobs. She interviewed and was hired for all of them in a sequence. She did not work more than 3 days at any of them and didn't show for the first day on a couple. The stress of having to be around and work with people caused the BPD to kick into high gear. it was clear to me, that she would not be able to hold down a job of any kind. She was also not being consistent with her counseling or meds. Two more months passed. I was getting $500 a month rent from them. It was being paid a $100 here a $100 there. Certainly, not on the first and far below the agreed upon rent. I live in a high rent area and it takes at least 3 paying roommates to meet the monthly rent. The holidays came, another huge trigger for the BPD. The general expectations of a "perfect" family life which none of us can live up to is worse with BPD and their abandonment issues. A crisis arose. I gave a 30 day notice verbally. My granddaughter's BPD was in full swing and she was lashing out and being physically destructive. For a moment, I let my anger out and immediately knew I had to find support somewhere. The environment I live in is normally calm and peaceful. Living with BPD is anything but. The random nastiness and mood swings keeps everyone in the house "walking on eggshells". I left the house immediately and tried to process and understand what to do next. It is now my great-grandson who is my biggest concern. He has been uprooted 5 times in the past 2 years. I reached out to friends I had not talked to in awhile. I reached out to my other daughter who listened. I realized I had to have more support. I began to search for a counselor or group I could join to talk about all that was going on in my life with the BPD person. I started a small text group with 3 others I knew who were dealing with family members with mental health issues. All of our issues were different but there were similarities as well. I do not want to burden friends or family members with the problems because after awhile, when there is no immediate resolution in sight, people become wary of listening to the same kind of problems. My search led me to this website and this support group. I had no intention of going on and on like I have just done when I started this post. It just seems to pour out. Thank you for the opportunity to share.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome. 

That is a lot you are dealing with.  I think it is great that you have started a text  support group and are seeking even more support for yourself.  Friends and family can help to a point but I think you are wise to have other outlets and resources.  We can definitely help you there and so many parents and grandparents can relate so you will get support for sure.

Is your granddaughter still living with you or has the 30 days passed?  What role does her mother play in her life, if at all?  Sorry for all the questions.

How do you think your great grandson is managing in terms of dealing with the stress and distress I assume he is experiencing?   

Again, I apologize for all the questions. 

Again,

[cathegreat]

Hi,
I will answer your questions in order: 1. After thinking and anxsting about the situation, I decided to offer 2 options to my granddaughter and her boyfriend. One option was to accept the written 30-day notice signed by me and the second option to sign and abide by a document I put together outlining what I needed from them in terms of behavior changes to continue living in my home. The second document was very specific about how and when the rent would be paid and about the behaviors that are prohibited such as yelling, screaming, swearing, hitting or making disparaging remarks about anyone in the home etc. It also stated that my granddaughter must go to see a counselor once a week and show me proof that she has done so. Also, she must stay consistently on her meds. They opted to stay and said they would abide by the rules. So far, they have given me the first week's rent and have been quiet and reserved. The boys have been staying at a relative's of the boyfriend. What this does really, is give the boys some time. They wont have to change schools again or live in a shelter or someone's garage. I am fully aware that if my granddaughter could control her behavior by abiding by the document, she could be controlling her behavior the majority of the time. The agreement states that they are subject to immediate eviction if they fail to meet any of the agreed upon terms.   

[cathegreat]

Answer #2: My daughter (my granddaughter's mother) plays no role in my gran's life. That has been a huge problem all along. When my gran showed signs of trauma at the age of 2 my daughter said nothing was wrong. Everything was fine. She has been in denial from the beginning for all these many years. Even though as the years went by she saw my gran cutting herself and having angry, out of control episodes, and a suicide attempt she did not step up to the plate and take her to see Drs. or find out the basis of the problem. Instead, she chose to side with her boyfriend (who I believe to this day was at the cause of the initial trauma) and made me the villain of the piece. Basically saying I was crazy and interfering (with the boyfriend's prompting). It has caused a life long rift between my daughter and myself. About six months ago, I reached out to my daughter to ask if she was willing to work together to help support my gran in some way. She said yes, but she didn't know how. The reason I reached out was because my gran has sent a scathing text to both her mother and I telling us we were the most horrible people on the planet and swearing every other word etc. It seemed to me my gran was looking for some solidarity between my daughter and I and reaching out in the bizarre way the BPD does. I arranged, at my cost, to fly my gran and g. grandson to see my daughter. They had a pleasant visit by all accounts. However, it would not have happened if I had not covered the cost. Neither my daughter or my gran have visited each other under their own initiative.
I have kept a text relationship going with my daughter recently. I had to accept over the years that she was not capable of handling the reality of a mentally ill daughter and all that entails. It has been so hard for me because I think my daughter is stronger than that and could have done something to help my gran. But even now, when I asked her to join my little text group of people who live or have a family member struggling with mental health issues she said she would think about it.

[cathegreat]

Hi,
I have to take a break now because writing about all of this is exhausting.

Thank you for being there.
Cat

[Harri]

Sure Cat. 

Take all the time you need.  We will still be here.   

[cathegreat]

Answer to question # 3:

My great grandson has suffered deeply. For many years he has had nightmares. Even last summer waking up crying and telling me he had a bad dream. He dreamt my grans boyfriend was strangling me. After talking with him, he revealed he had seen the boyfriend strangling his mom. He was staying with me and did not want to return to his mom where the fighting between the parents (the boyfriend is not the biological father) continues. My g. grandson has been diagnosed with ADHD. For two years his mother has known she needed to get him tested and possibly on meds. She did not do it. Finally, when they came to live with me and I returned to the residence, she got him to a child psychiatrist and he has been prescribed Ritalin.  She let a week go by without filling the prescription. Finally, at my urging, she got the meds. She sent my g. grandson to a relative of the boyfriends the second day the meds were to be administered. She was not there to monitor. A week later, she supposedly took him in for a follow-up and left him again for another entire week with the boyfriends relative. No monitoring by her of her son and his reaction to the medication. My g. grandson is not back yet. Of course, I am worried. I am a substitute teacher. Before the winter break, I subbed in my g. granson's classroom. I was privy to the notes kept on the children. My g. grandson was first on the list and his behavior was described as violent. The notes talked about how to approach him. His desk was sectioned off with masking tape on the floor-at the front of the room and off to the side.
He was not allowed to go outside the masking tape.  He had permission to read a book instead of doing his classwork. His teacher has quit her job stating through the teacher rumor mill that she was not getting help from the administration for the several difficult children in her classroom. it is now becoming known at the school my connection to my g. grandson. I have offered my support in any way I can. My Gran feels threatened by my being kind and supportive of my g. grandson. I love to help him with his homework but she will not allow it. She bully's him and belittles him when doing the homework. She screams at him and swears and calls him stupid and a moron. My g grandson has developed a hardened side to him where he will not listen at times. He balks against authority. A teacher using a hard line will get nowhere. He is suppose to have a 504 meeting in the new year. I will try to  be part of that but I have no legal authority. My G. grandson's destructive behavior mirrors his mother's. He has destroyed televisions, kicked in car radios etc. At 25, my Gran is still exhibiting those behaviors. Most recently, tearing out potted plants she had planted and dumping over the soil from large outdoor plant bases as she rages. The police were called by the neighbors because she was out in the yard screaming obscenities. All of this devastates my g. grandson.

[livednlearned]

welcome and hello

You are carrying so much on your shoulders, cathegreat. I'm relieved to hear you're reaching out for support through friends who can identify with you, and with friends here. I remember reading research somewhere that said being a BPD caretaker is more physically, emotionally, and psychologically exhausting than having a loved one with a physical disability. And more challenging than many of the other mental illnesses. Not that it's a contest 

It just reinforced the reality that these are tough, tough relationships.

It takes a lot of strength to be a caretaker. I'm so impressed you put together a document. It seems they are trying hard to comply. Do you have anything you're doing for yourself, any kind of self-care routine? When my step daughter (23) with BPD came to live with us, I imagined a cup that was full to the brim. My job was to make sure it stayed full. Interacting with SD23 drained me so I made sure to focus on self-care first, then everything else.

I'm so sorry to hear about poor GGS8. Any chance he can get into therapy?

[cathegreat]

Hi,
Thank you for your comments. I am trying to take care of myself because I know how important that is. Right now, there are changes ahead and I am feeling scared and insecure. I am reaching out to friends to talk about the financial insecurities I'm facing. It is difficult to grow older and have medical issues that are costly when income is declining at the same time. Caring for my Gran and her family has cost me financially this year to the point of having me stressed. To rectify that, I am moving things around and giving up some things and it is scary.

Of course I would welcome therapy for my G.Gran8 but again, his mother has legal authority. She is not inclined to put his needs first. It is an uphill battle to get her to act in his best interest. I don't know if I am repeating myself but I truly believe her dark side prefers he suffer. She not only wants him to suffer as much as she thinks she has but even more. But I am hoping somehow the school can help and I hope I can be part of the process. I've learned to look for small inroads. My nature is to attack the problem head on and do everything I can to facilitate change. It is very hard for me to sit back and slowly work for change. But in this case, that is the only way to do it.

The pendulum is swinging to the white side for my Gran. The holidays were horrendous and black. Of course, I know it is just a matter of time before it swings back again with little or no warning. I am keeping my boundaries in place. Trying to sustain a forward momentum.

Thank you for listening.
Cat