The suicidal frame of mind of mind is so difficult to see

[Trusting-waiting]

I could really use some encouragement. My dd is having another really bad day. Says she doesn’t want to live. Her life is over. She made a big mistake and has ruined her future. As I wrote in my first post, she can’t forgive herself for getting (and staying) pregnant b/c she didn’t want to be with the dad. She is just completing her 8 week IOP DBT therapy. From all appearances it didn’t change anything. Very disheartening. I’ve been pretty good about using SET with her, and trying not to react to self destructive thinking/talking. So hard as I am looking right now at her beautiful baby!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Isanni]

I'm so sorry. There is nothing more difficult than seeing your child suffer and to believe she needs to die to get out of the suffering. You are so great to sick by her and the baby.

Can you acknowledge to her that everything on her plate is extremely difficult to go through? It sucks to feel you've ruined your future. That's a terrible feeling. Even moms who are happily married are overwhelmed and get really down - even while looking at their beautiful baby. I wonder if she can visualize different future scenarios for herself? What was her dream future before she got pregnant? Did she have one?

I understand how frustrating it can be when they don't seem to click with the therapy. Some seem to get it quickly and are able to apply it well and they feel better and you see they are better. Others seem to have to keep going through it and their progress is much slower.

My heart goes out to you.

[Trusting-waiting]

Thank you Isanni! When she’s doing a little better I will ask her what some more ideal futures would include. It’s so difficult because it feels like she is always trying to debate and prove her life is a disaster. Is this the bpd? I’m not questioning the feelings- I think they’re real. But is there an element of attention-seeking? I remember her saying really extreme things when she was young, i.e., if my great grandma dies, I’ll kill myself. I also remember her being very stressed that she would forget her homework. She said she’d die if she missed an assignment. I wish I could get inside her mind for a few minutes and see what’s going on. Does anyone have insights from your experiences. So glad I found you all!

[livednlearned]

It’s so difficult because it feels like she is always trying to debate and prove her life is a disaster. Is this the bpd? I’m not questioning the feelings- I think they’re real. But is there an element of attention-seeking?

With SD23 there is definitely both -- real feelings of despair and an element of severe need.

I attended a Family Connections course and remember the peer-facilitator saying he considered BPD a potentially fatal disease because the rate of suicide completion is ten times higher than the rest of the population. It must be a very very fine line between "this is real" and "I need someone to pay attention." We have to provide just the right amount of attention without feeding the disorder. It's tough.

When she debates that her life is a disaster, how do you use SET to respond? Maybe we can learn from you and each other about how we respond to suicidal ideation and catastrophic thinking.

On another note, I wonder if the completion of the course makes her feel anxious about doing well and she is purposefully looking for ways to regress. Feeling ill, being ill probably feels familiar and oddly comforting. If she completes the course and does well, she exposes herself to feelings she may not know how or want to process. What if she loses the support of people when she becomes healthy? It's not uncommon for people suffering from BPD to find it scary to get better.

She is also a new mom and I imagine she feels overwhelmed.

How did you respond when she was younger and expressed wanting to kill herself?

[PeaceMom]

Just wondering if this could be more about Clinical Post Partum depression than classic DBT symptoms. I believe the treatment protocol would be very different. 

[Trusting-waiting]

Thanks livednlearned and PeaceMom!  I initially thought it might be postpartum related. Then I realized it is too similar to other periods of emotional turmoil. Not that it isn’t a component, just not the main issue. As I’m reading other posts and looking at my daughter, I see our adult children need to be occupied (in therapy, working, taking classes, etc.) You know the old saying “idleness is the devil’s workshop”. Well this is even more true for our sons and daughters. Their minds can be so creative and in a very negative way.

Oh my! As I was writing this dd came in. She was on the same warpath of how foolish she was, how her life is pretty much over, etc.. This required some deep breathing and restraint on my part. At least the conversation ended with admitting she had two choices. One was the non solution (death). The other was moving forward in her life. I told her which one I’d vote for.