reconnected; help please

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After 10.5 months of no contact (save for two very brief episodes), I reconnected yesterday with my ex.

I have been invited to consider a faculty position where she works. Because it was a very good position, I was negotiating empoyment.

She must have received word about this because she called me twice on Thusday, and left a curt, but not unkind, voice message.

On Friday, when she called, I answered.

She told me that she was happy for me, and that I should accept the job. She said she was moving (6 hours away), and that she was now engaged. Her wedding was scheduled for September.

The she apologized for the ways she had treated me, specifically how she had always shamed me. She seemed genuinely remorseful. She admitted that she had been in therapy fpr the past ten months, and she recognized her bbp/narcissictic traits, ans was working to correct them. I was the great love of her life, she missed me every day, and sh was scared to move becuase it would close any possibilty for us forever.

Today I am a wreck. I am absolutly devastated. I had been doing so well relatively; was happy most of the timeut obviously I must have had some hope of reconnection in the back of my mind, because her engagement and pending wedding absolutly crushed me.

She wanted me to call her today, but I just can't. Why do I still feel like this? This person destroyed me, yet I perversly still believe she holds a key to my happiness.

Thoughts?

[johnnyonthespot]

After 10.5 months of no contact (save for two very brief episodes), I reconnected yesterday with my ex.

I have been invited to consider a faculty position where she works. Because it was a very good position, I was negotiating empoyment.

She must have received word about this because she called me twice on Thusday, and left a curt, but not unkind, voice message.

On Friday, when she called, I answered.

She told me that she was happy for me, and that I should accept the job. She said she was moving (6 hours away), and that she was now engaged. Her wedding was scheduled for September.

The she apologized for the ways she had treated me, specifically how she had always shamed me. She seemed genuinely remorseful. She admitted that she had been in therapy fpr the past ten months, and she recognized her bbp/narcissictic traits, ans was working to correct them. I was the great love of her life, she missed me every day, and sh was scared to move becuase it would close any possibilty for us forever.

Today I am a wreck. I am absolutly devastated. I had been doing so well relatively; was happy most of the timeut obviously I must have had some hope of reconnection in the back of my mind, because her engagement and pending wedding absolutly crushed me.

She wanted me to call her today, but I just can't. Why do I still feel like this? This person destroyed me, yet I perversly still believe she holds a key to my happiness.

Thoughts?

[bpdspell]

Yes. Their words of love and remorse can trigger our feelings but it's important to put her words in perspective.

If she's moving away to be married why is she telling her ex (that's you) about how much she loves and misses him? Where are her boundaries? What about Mr. Right she's marrying? Where's her integrity and loyalty in that?  In my opinion if she has no integrity, loyalty or commitment to a man she plans on spending the rest of her life with then I wouldn't trust a word that comes out of her disordered mouth.  Not saying she isn't sincere... . what I'm saying is to trust the ACTIONS not the words... . they are the TRUTH of her... . Would you want your future wife telling her ex how much she misses him?

If she's in therapy she should even be saying these things to you.

I'm telling you. BPD's are so good at taking our temperature and working angles to see if their lasso still works. I know that its tough to be in the dream position of finally having our sick ex's validate us and seem remorseful... . but think about who she is and how she treated you. Remember your history with this woman. Your relationship is over for a reason and that's because she's BPD and don't forget it. Let her be the new guy's problem.

Keep your guards up. Self-protection is necessary when engaging with these world class manipulators. Any inkling that we still care and they'll exploit it for their own good.

You have doubts about calling her for a reason... . that's your gut... . kicking and screaming: NO!

She cannot validate you. Only you can validate yourself by moving forward and not allowing her Rubik's cube mind to screw your into knots. Think about it. How can a mentally ill person have the "keys" to your happiness? We only believe that when we haven't accepted that they're truly sick.

Spell

[marbleloser]

Ask yourself,if a woman is blissfully engaged and planning a September wedding,why would she want you to call her? Why would she call you,knowing she's moving 6 hours away,engaged,and happy in life?

She's recycling you back with the sweet talk and apologies.Don't get involved in that triangle.

[Rose Tiger]

Boundaries up, close the gate, release the hounds.

Charm is deceptive.

21 With persuasive words she led him astray;

    she seduced him with her smooth talk.

22 All at once he followed her

    like an ox going to the slaughter,

like a deer stepping into a noose

23     till an arrow pierces his liver,

like a bird darting into a snare,

    little knowing it will cost him his life.

24 Now then, my sons, listen to me;

    pay attention to what I say.

25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways

    or stray into her paths.

26 Many are the victims she has brought down;

    her slain are a mighty throng.

27 Her house is a highway to the grave,

    leading down to the chambers of death.

[mcc503764]

Today I am a wreck. I am absolutly devastated. I had been doing so well relatively; was happy most of the timeut obviously I must have had some hope of reconnection in the back of my mind, because her engagement and pending wedding absolutly crushed me.

She wanted me to call her today, but I just can't. Why do I still feel like this? This person destroyed me, yet I perversly still believe she holds a key to my happiness.

Thoughts?

Reconnection from our x's HURTS!  Plain and simple... . Ask yourself this... . if she is in "therapy," and is engaged to be married, and is so "happy" now, the Why in the Hell is she talking to you?  Healthy people just DON'T do that!  This shows her massive amount of disrespect not only to the man she is going to marry, but to YOU!

She's obviously using jealousy as a weapon to HURT you!  Don't subject yourself to this, unless of course you are masochistic?

She "holds the key to your happiness," because you ALLOW her to!  Plain and simple... .

Take this as an opportunity to step back and look at this objectively... . She apparently has not changed or improved her life!  Evaluate her actions?  If she had changed / improved, she wouldn't be repeating her same patterns? That should be blatantly obvious!

And remember to, they are LIARS!  So believe her stories at your own risk... . TREAD LIGHTLY!

I would say NC... . walk away... . don't fall for the games, as the outcome is always going to be the same!  Work on YOURSELF, and when the time is right, you will find someone who is CAPABLE of caring about you!

(remember, we are only as "broken/damaged" as we allow ourselves to be!)

MCC

[flynavy]

johnny... . I am still so amazed at the pattern of behavior this disorder has... . so predictable... . yet still so insidious!  My ex is BPD/NPD.  The NPD part of her cannot let go of any relationship.  My exBPD/NPD was married twice and still sees her first husband of 20 years ago... . platonic of course (her words)!  What sane person would even say what she said to you if she is ready to marry the love of her life.  RUN quickly before you relapse back to the manipulative programming she did to you johnny!

My exBPD/NPD fiance was in a so-called committed relationship for 5 years when her and I started seeing each other... . she was cheating on this guy even before me.  W/O the details, I asked to her to marry me after time... . she said yes... . two weeks later her 5 year boyfriend asks her to marry him... . he doesn't know about me.  She says yes!  Tells me she needs a week to think after we woke up after a crazy sexual night.  I know something doesn't smell right.  Get my ring and go on my way.  I don't know she is engaged.  I test her month and half later for wine(she knew what that meant... . our sex was over the top!)  She said yes in about 45 secs... . was at my house that night... . took me to her best friends wedding the next weekend... . I had no idea she was engaged... . I would not have been with her.  We started an intimate relationship again the whole time she is engaged to this guy... . how can that happen... . it did.  This is what they are capable of... . so please take my advice and run away... . do not get re-attached... . everything she says is a lie!

[MaybeSo]

So, from what you report, this woman is incredibly immature, deceitful, selfish and offers heartache and betrayal to any man willing to let her in.

Nice person.

Do yourself a favor; continue to work on yourself and why this drama feeds something hungry in you. She will never fill that emptiness. You have to do that for yourself.

[tailspin]

johnny,

I don't see this as a reconnection; you still have the power to decide your fate.  Listen to Spell and the others here and protect yourself.  What you're feeling right now has nothing to do with your ex and everything to do with the original wound from your past. We all have them; the key is to discover what this wound is, how it originated, and how to heal ourselves.

She is triggering these leftover feelings within you, but make no mistake, this isn't about her any more than her triggered and disordered feelings are about you.  Try exploring the raw emotions you're feeling on the L6 board and please stop giving her more credit than she deserves. 

You don't have to be a "wreck" if you see this for what it really is.  I hope you can look past the FOG and see the truth.

tailspin

[danley]

I agree with most here... .

WHY would the ex contact you if she was happy? It would be insane for her to reach out after such a long time just to tell you shes in a "better" place. Perhaps she has regrets about her new life. Idk but... . Sounds like she has a guilt trip going and wants some validation to soothe her over. It's selfish.

[johnnyonthespot]

Thank you everyone, for your supportive words. You are all correct; I have the power to do the right thing here... . and that's to leave her be. Unambiguously. So I will not respond. Besides, she was clealy in seducer mode... . I know the tone.

I know its natural to feel like you were the faulty person... . after all they abuse and reject you, and then discard and replace you without a moment's pause. And the engagment just augments those insecurities. They make you feel so... . expedendable, worthless.

Getting married after 10 months... . it hurts, a lot.

Wish it didn't. I want her out of my cortex.

[Wanna Move On]

Johnny, she was being ultra-passive aggressive with you! She was rubbing as much salt into your wounds as possible. You showed a weakness and she devoured it!


   

[Trick1004]

These people are messed up! Don't reply and keep moving on, there is nothing there for you except a world of hurt!

[GreenMango]

Camus wrote

While we can live with a dualism (I can accept periods of unhappiness, because I know I will also experience happiness to come), we cannot live with the paradox (I think my life is of great importance, but I also think it is meaningless).

This goes for a lot of things in life.  It's when dualism slips into paradox.  It's called absurd.

She's a paradox and her thoughts/rationale/talk with you was absurd.  You got to glimpse into the window of mental illness.  If it wasnt apparent before it is now.  Take note because that paradox (the impossible place to live) could have been your life for the rest of your life.

Ps congrats on the job!  Sounds like you have a bright future despite all this.

[GlennT]

I tell you, it gets to be pathetic. Do you see what's going on? She could'nt resist the BPD urge to mess with your heart because she is leaving, while you are arriving, which perfectly grooves with her abandonment/intimacy issues, which is the only way they can love, coming from a place of hurt, because they don't know any different, and expect us not to.  Sort of the newness of it, the wiping her dance card clean to marry you or whoever again.  Now, she can leave you, and love you, and relieve the shame and guilt from you, and have another victim, all at the same time... .  Umm... . but the trouble is... . she's not going anywhere with her disorder for a very long time. Oh, and the new husband? He's going somewhere soon too---> then she will recycle around him again, and tell him exactly what she just told you. Pathetic.

[winston72]

Thank heaven for this site, this board!  I am amazed by the insight, boldness and encouragement of all who contribute with their posts.  I learn so much and feel myself changing as I read, reflect and engage.  A great thanks to each of you!

And specific to this post, man, oh man!  What a gift this situation was to you, Johnnyonthespot!  This is so blatant and absurd on her part... . and yet if I was in your shoes, I would have been zapped and reacted the same way.  It is hard to get some distance and corresponding perspective.  But, with the benefit of perspective... . just keep moving forward!  You dodged a cruise missle of disaster with her.

Yikes!  Her poor fiance... .

[winston72]

FlyNavy... . your story is so outrageous!  Who would even think such a thing is possible?  I didn't, and it almost happened to me.  My SO was in a relationship with another guy when I met her... . he lived overseas... . she ran us in parallel for about ten months, while planning an engagement with him... . when I found out about it all, she broke up with him (sort of!), focused on me and then three months later was pressuring me to propose to her.  Crazy!

I didn't know the extent of all this until much later... . and was in all varieties of fog, FOG and confusion for a long time.  Oh, my... . deception is so power and leaves such confusion in its wake.

[johnnyonthespot]

Update... . complete honesty.

So she persisted in calling me, and despite my better judgement we talked a bit. I see her for what she is, but absolutely no doubt I still have feelings for her. I may even still love her.

She postponed her wedding because she 'isn't certain whether she's in love with her fiance or still with me.'

I became enormously angry, and lashed out viciously... . verbally abusive towards her. I called her deranged, cruel, manipulative. She has to stop destroying lives, I told her. She answered calmly, that she was completely sorry, that she understood, and that she would 'leave me be.' She 'didn't want to be in an abusive relationship' and that I 'had no right to speak to her that way.' She said if I ever called her again, she would get a restraining order. Deadly serious! Again, she called me after 10.5 months NC.

Hasn't called since. I tried to call and apologize... . she doesn't answer.

Learned that she us going through with move/ wedding.

I'm hating myself now. Did I blow my only real chance? Was she in fact sincere? Why did I become this lunatic? She has left me confused, ashamed, and hurting once again.

A small part of me wants to call her fiance.

It just never ends well, does it?

[tailspin]

johnny,

The feelings you have for her are unresolved issues from your childhood and have nothing whatsoever to do with her.  It only ends when we've had enough.  Have you had enough yet?  

tailspin

[shieldedheart]

Update... . complete honesty.

So she persisted in calling me, and despite my better judgement we talked a bit. I see her for what she is, but absolutely no doubt I still have feelings for her. I may even still love her.

She postponed her wedding because she 'isn't certain whether she's in love with her fiance or still with me.'

I became enormously angry, and lashed out viciously... . verbally abusive towards her. I called her deranged, cruel, manipulative. She has to stop destroying lives, I told her. She answered calmly, that she was completely sorry, that she understood, and that she would 'leave me be.' She 'didn't want to be in an abusive relationship' and that I 'had no right to speak to her that way.' She said if I ever called her again, she would get a restraining order. Deadly serious! Again, she called me after 10.5 months NC.

Hasn't called since. I tried to call and apologize... . she doesn't answer.

Learned that she us going through with move/ wedding.

I'm hating myself now. Did I blow my only real chance? Was she in fact sincere? Why did I become this lunatic? She has left me confused, ashamed, and hurting once again.

A small part of me wants to call her fiance.

It just never ends well, does it?

the answer is no.  You are acting like a lunatic because she is manipating you.  You were going to be her guy on the side.  all the while, she would have gotten engaged.  She was testing to see how far she could manipulate you.  When you got angry because your logical mind kicked in, she realized she couldn't suck you dry. 

You need to take another step back and see what she is doing to you. 

[HardTruth]

What is the chance that a person is with someone they were in love with (you).  You break up, and then 10 months later she is in love with someone else?  That she wants to make a commitment to and get married?  

Usually when you have a break-up with someone that meant a lot to you, even if the relationship wasn't right, you need a few months to be by yourself, heal, think about what you've gone through and what you want now.  Then, you meet someone and it's a process getting to know them - how do they fit into your picture now?  

It is really hard to find someone that you're truly compatible with, that has integrity, stability, etc. and is as into you as you are into them!  Think about it!

She was just trying to find someone to fill that hole.  Otherwise, like so many people have said, she wouldn't have been hunting you down.  And then telling you that now she can't decide?  And that she still has feelings for you?  

What do you think would have happened if you had had a nice conversation with her?  Another conversation would have followed, and then you would have seen each other, then gotten together... . and then while she was with you, she'd be wondering if she should, in fact, be with the other guy!  

There is no win-win here.

I, personally, would HATE to be the other guy!  And have my fiance contacting her ex, and being indecisive between us!  Uck!

Believe me, I don't think she's the "one who got away"!

I do think it would be a good idea to work on your triggers and saying things that you wish you could take back later.  That certainly doesn't serve you, and could push away the woman you are really looking for.

[ScotisGone74]

Rose Tiger, those are good verses describing BPD, read them a while back

[Hurtbad]

I was just getting ready to go to bed.  But I was reading the boards to help me deal with some slippage of my own... . you all really do help me.  thanks.

Now to the issue that has me still up.  Johnnyonthespot.  STOP!  Yes, you got angry.  Now she is pissed and you feel bad.  All you can do at this point is make thing worse.  None of us has perfect advice, but I would suggest, if you feel really bad about blowing up, simply send a SHORT text or email that you are sorry, and leave it go.  No two way communication... . have this apologetic last word and stop.

I know it is horrible.  I know it is inconceivable.  Mine has done many of the same things, and I have maintained too much contact because I am so much in love with her.  But I know that I have to move and accept that her behavior will only destroy me.  Look at all these posts... . the behaviors are incredible and cruel, even if not intended.

I hate the details of my sorry but I will give you the thumbnail here: Three days after asking for a break my live-in girlfriend got on a plane, flew to another city and slept with a guy she met on Facebook.  I did not even  move out yet.  When she got home Monday, in the midst of my moving out, she had to rush to the drugstore to get a morning after pill, antibiotics for her sex induced bladder infection and pick up a birth control prescription to please her new lover.  After that she started posting photos of the two of them on facebook.  Now, this professional women has taken up stripping and lapdancing on the weekends... . so help me God. The latest?  She and her long distance lover have agreed to an open arrangement because they are long distance; they will each choose a love to "fill-in" while they are apart! 

She says she may move out "there" to his city to lire and work to give him a chance, because ehs loves him.  Now for the timing... . we broke up only three months ago.

Like you, she calls o occasion to say she still loves me, that I am her best fiend and the love of her life.  Even I have to read what i wrote above to realize that I will be bitter= sweet happy when she goes.  she has devastated me in ways I never dreamed could happen to me.  But thanks to this site and the help of a good T, I am doing much better.

My point in all this is, part of the issue here is us, all of us.  We have to accept the way these people are. Grieve over losing them, and hang on.  I feel for you.  Look, I am still on shack ground myself, and this post is as much for me as for you.  I miss her terribly; the same women who did what I described above.  Maybe one day you can return the favor and post for me. From now, let it go.  Stay strong.

Hutbad.

[Trick1004]

I agree, these, I guess our ex's, are emotionally disturbed. They are not able or willing to be in any kind of normal relationship. The sooner we get that into our heads the sooner we can move on. The only way to do that it to let them go and only then will they quit destroying our lives.

I feel at some point we become delusional that they have changed and see the world like they do. I was like that for 4 years and a couple of weeks after the breakup. Do your best to objectively look at it though, is this a roller coaster you really want to be on?

It's tough, I know. But reflect back and ask yourself honestly, knowing everything you know know about BPD and how you were treated, would you have ever gotten into this relationship in the first place, or ran away as far and fast as you could?

Knowledge is power, we know through experience what it is like to be in this type of relationship. In one sense we are lucky that we won't get sucked into something like this again. Use that knowledge and get away as fast as you can.

I'm doing it, others on this board are doing it, and you can do it too.

Trick

[dontknow2]

Hurtbad,

I just wanted to say thanks for your post. This is my first time looking for BPD related support and found this group online after my therapist's supervisor recommended a book about BPD. I am up at 3:30 am, tired, crying, and talking to myself. Although tears still fall, I am not falling apart with a small sense of peace.

A little context... . I'm in love with a BP and have been for 20 years. Married, divorced, 2 kids, on and off, on and off. For the first time starting today, I am trying no contact but have been working up to it for months. He first had to move out a week ago. Anyway, today he sent me horrible text messages and e-mails reminding me of all my weaknesses and why I wasn't worth his love. Alas, I lay awake battling my self-worth while missing him horribly... . trying to figure out how to muster enough juice to work this week, stay up late to work on long application for major promotion (which part of me thinks I don't deserve or would mess up), and care for the kids as they need... . all while trying to disconnect from the love of my life.

Anyway, thank you.

[Rose Tiger]

Johnny, it was probably your inner child lashing out and saying 'enough'.  She doesn't care about your feelings and inner child took over with get me the heck outta of this crap.    Smart kiddo!

[johnnyonthespot]

Thanks everyone for your suport.

Tailspin,

Oh yes... . yes, I most certainly have had enough. I woud do anything to not care any more.

Hurtbad, Thank for telling your story. Its awful that you were treated that way... . truly unforgiveable. It's amazing that from the outside looking in, it all seem so clear. And even from within, I think we all know its deeply pathological. But some part of ourselves keeps hope alive... . for the return of that person we fell in love with, for the restoration of their mental health, and for their genreal well-being.

But as Trick says... . I know they're not capable of normalcy.

I left a brief message apologizing for my anger on her work phone. She blocked me on her cellphone... . an old successful trick she used while we still were trying. Unbelievably cruel, because she knows that it hurts me profoundly when she does that. And who would do that to 'the love of her life?'

I'm so disappointed in myself... . nearly a year after the relationship, she can still hurt me so much. Why can't she just leave, get married, and carry-on with her life without rubbing salt in my wounds? She has hurt me so much, with complete malice and purpose... . and for the most part she has got away scott-free. It makes me so upset, angry... . even vindictive. 

[tailspin]

I know it's so hard to understand, but I wouldn't characterized her as getting away "scott free" because she will be tormented by the demons of BPD for the rest of her life.

Expecting someone who is mentally ill to do what's best for us is just simply never going to happen.  You cannot wait for her to break the spell; you must do it for yourself.

tailspin

[mcc503764]

I know it's so hard to understand, but I wouldn't characterized her as getting away "scott free" because she will be tormented by the demons of BPD for the rest of her life.

Expecting someone who is mentally ill to do what's best for us is just simply never going to happen.  You cannot wait for her to break the spell; you must do it for yourself.

tailspin

This is a good point... . we cannot wait for them to break it off, as that would be taking responsibility for their actions, and they do not know how to do that!  When you get sick and tired and have had enough, you WILL know!

I am not sure if they think that we will show our "love" by the amount of bs we tolerate, the blatent disrespect?  Look at her past, what does that tell you?  Past performance influences future behavior!

MCC

[Trick1004]

I left a brief message apologizing for my anger on her work phone. She blocked me on her cellphone... . an old successful trick she used while we still were trying. Unbelievably cruel, because she knows that it hurts me profoundly when she does that. And who would do that to 'the love of her life?'

I'm so disappointed in myself... . nearly a year after the relationship, she can still hurt me so much. Why can't she just leave, get married, and carry-on with her life without rubbing salt in my wounds? She has hurt me so much, with complete malice and purpose... . and for the most part she has got away scott-free. It makes me so upset, angry... . even vindictive. 

Why do you feel the need to apologize, especially a year after it is over? She should be the one doing that. We all get wrapped up into their version of reality where they can do no wrong and it is always our fault.

I'm sure she got angry at you multiple times while in the r/s, how often did you get a heartfelt apology? Mine was great at telling me the next day after a blow-up at me that she just got emotional at something I did or said and lashed out at me but she still loved me. Was there ever a true apology about any of her actions? In my case, very rarely and I doubt those were sincere, but only came out when she felt I was ready to end it so she could draw me back in.

The only person who is allowing her to continue hurting you a year later is YOU. She hurt you while in the r/s and is still able to so a year later.

Let her go johnny and let her hurt someone else.

[HazelJade]

Johnny, I do feel your pain, so much, you are so right to be mad and feeling like you do. The mind games they can play are so devious, insidious, and clever that can honestly male one feel insane.

I know that the pain of the wedding thing is clouding your mind now, but please bear with me here as coldly as you can just for a minute, as your situation, reaction, and possible outcome from all this is much more positive than you think right now:

for a long time, more than two years now after breaking up with my ex, I have struggled to keep my dignity intact, not to be a victim. The more I succeeded in that, keeping NC, not reacting to endless provocations, etc, the more he tried to "break" me with new, different strategies. First, the silence, even after contacting me first. Then, the jealousy and heavy triangulation (read definition). Eventually, with desperate requests of attention, to the point of making me sick with worry. Every time, I felt like my ego was literally crumbling under the pain, the frustration, the anger, the insanity of it all... .

Today, I can tell you that the only way out from this madness is by somehow letting go of our ego, as hard it may seem to accept, as it's the only way to get rid of our role in the "play", so this very hard phase you are going through could really help you in that . I had even read about it somewhere, long time ago, in a post about the Karpman Triangle but didn't understand why or how. Now I do.

IMO, this is her mind game she tried to play with you:

- she has obviously HUGE doubts about the relationship with this new person, not to talk about marrying him

- deep down, she knows you are probably a much better person, and that she would be better off with you, if only she wasn't so scared to be hurt

- so what to do? she has to protect herself from pain (read: she can't be back with you) but she has to make really sure you are the "bad one" so that she can justify to herself the choice of marrying someone she doesn't probably love

-therefore she calls you and :

a) she seduces you to trigger your emotions again

b) she triangulates you so badly to make you mad with pain, and react badly. Which serves, precisely, her purpose.

Of course she misses you, but that is not the point. The point is that she can't risk to be with you, so she "has" to paint you black, and your reaction served her purpose perfectly. Even if it's all at a subconscious level, she is acted by her disorder, she "has" to behave this way.

Now, it could seem that you have reacted as a weak person, that you "lost" this round, and you can carry on feeling totally disappointed in yourself... . but believe me if I say, it is not so. As RoseTiger says, your "inner child" reaction is a healthy one; not only because it's spontaneous, and real, where all her behaviour is a strategy and is trapping her either in the Victim or Persecutor role, but also because it can help you breaking the triangle. You have expressed your true feelings, you have been honest, you have even apologized... . I know your ego hurts now, but hang on in there, and do not do anything else, just be very still as this - crazy as it might sound - is a brilliant position for you to be in : this is your way out of the triangle.

Give it some time, believe what others have said here, if she was truly in love she wouldn't have felt the need to inform you of the wedding (which maybe won't even happen). Don't succumb to fears and desperation: not answering your calls, disregarding your pain, she has locked her self in the Persecutor role now, leaving you free to either remain a Victim or become a Creator; in any case, you can't be painted black as she probably hoped. This is huge, and I promise you will slowly see how this little "victory" of her is your best ticket to freedom from this dangerous game.

I do truly root for you.

KARPMAN TRIANGLE AND EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC

www.weinholds.org/the-drama-triangle-victim-consciousness/

www.nancycarterlcsw.com/DramaTriangle.html

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Empowerment_Dynamic