reconnected; help please

[Rose Tiger]

Great post HazelJade. 

I remember letting loose with the ex and feeling so bad.  When I told my T what I had done, she holds up two fists and says "YES!".  I guess she had been waiting a long time for me to grow a backbone. 

They do like to play this game with us, and we must like it too for some reason.  Who's love are we really trying to win?  Mommy or Daddy?  Because core wounds this deep have nothing to do with the ex other than they make a good replacement player in our dysfunctional dance.

[johnnyonthespot]

HazelJade,

Wonderful post; enormously helpful and inspiring. I thank you for taking the time to write that for me... . that's a great kindness.

I've been doing a bit of ruminating about it all.

She said some interesting things when she called.

That she loved (new guy), but that it was 'different.' That she 'couldn't' compare him to me, or how she felt about me.

That she was happy, but also very scared she was making a bad decision.

That she missed me and thought of me every day of her life, but that we would 'never work out, because of our history.' But she wanted to know if we could spend one more night together before she left.

That she hoped I would find some peace and happiness.

Realizing how inappopriate all those statements were, coupled with the fact that she is a pathological liar and manipulator-extraordinaire, I simply flipped out; went absolutely blind with rage. I became her... . and it made her happy. She won; she got exactly what she wanted.

I should have said 'cool' or 'right on,' 'good luck' and ended the conversation. That would have been letting go of my ego.

I didn't, and I hate myself for it.

RoseTiger, My therapist agreed with you and your T; he said that I laid out clear boundaries, and that I should not feel repentant.

I will not do anything else... . promise. But I feel terrible for the guy... . really, really, really awful. I told my therapist that I wish someone had warned me early on. He is engaged to her, for God's sake... . asking her to be his one-and-only forever. She's wearing his ring, and asking to spend 'one last night' with 'the love of her life.' It's so flipping disgusting.

Thank you everyone, for your advice and support.

[Annie D]

Thanks for this... . I'm struggling with a similar situation.

I've copied your message to go back and read when I feel weak.

Yes. Their words of love and remorse can trigger our feelings but it's important to put her words in perspective.

If she's moving away to be married why is she telling her ex (that's you) about how much she loves and misses him? Where are her boundaries? What about Mr. Right she's marrying? Where's her integrity and loyalty in that?  In my opinion if she has no integrity, loyalty or commitment to a man she plans on spending the rest of her life with then I wouldn't trust a word that comes out of her disordered mouth.  Not saying she isn't sincere... . what I'm saying is to trust the ACTIONS not the words... . they are the TRUTH of her... . Would you want your future wife telling her ex how much she misses him?

If she's in therapy she should even be saying these things to you.

I'm telling you. BPD's are so good at taking our temperature and working angles to see if their lasso still works. I know that its tough to be in the dream position of finally having our sick ex's validate us and seem remorseful... . but think about who she is and how she treated you. Remember your history with this woman. Your relationship is over for a reason and that's because she's BPD and don't forget it. Let her be the new guy's problem.

Keep your guards up. Self-protection is necessary when engaging with these world class manipulators. Any inkling that we still care and they'll exploit it for their own good.

You have doubts about calling her for a reason... . that's your gut... . kicking and screaming: NO!

She cannot validate you. Only you can validate yourself by moving forward and not allowing her Rubik's cube mind to screw your into knots. Think about it. How can a mentally ill person have the "keys" to your happiness? We only believe that when we haven't accepted that they're truly sick.

Spell

[Hurtbad]

These last few posts were just terrific. Once again, I am reminded of the great benefit of this site.  I just thought I would share an upbeat event with you all.  I am sure it does not mean that I won't have bad days again.  But progress is progress, and gives hope to me, and maybe others.

My situation is such that my ex and I still have some contact.  Well this week she went out to be with family that I am close with and called to kind of check-in.  Well, as opposed to  my usual and dysfunctional glee and trying to learn what she was doing and "did she miss me" stuff that I sometimes engaged in; I had nothing to say, nor was I interested in what she was doing.  I was not angry, I was not cold.  I am happy to say that deep down a part of me had let go, and I could not wait to get off the phone and back to my newly found peace.  I had nothing to say.

I knew I had past an emotional milestone and wanted to share it.  Again, this is a process and there will be some bad times again.  But I am getting better and I know it.

Thanks to all.  as for the original poster here, you keep on moving forward.

HUrtbad 

[GreenMango]

It really sounds like her therapy isn't working and she's reverted to what she knows to cope.  Imagine the sober addict who falls off the wagon at the first sign of distress.

This is a pattern - there may not be alcohol involved but its compulsive - sometimes we need the most horrific glimpse at it to finally see it.

So where to from here?