It is taking a lot of re-acquainting with myself

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey all! I haven't posted in quite a while. My time has been spent trying to rebuild some broken relationships, setting and enforcing boundaries with my bfwBPD and taking more care of myself. I have joined a gym, been on vacation with my kids (23 & 25) -that was wonderful after a long period of tumult!-and trying to act rather than react to bf. I was reading some other posts and Pianodood said something that resonated with me

Instead of being 100% reactive to her cycle, I became 50% reactive and 50% self-preserving.  It didn't make the discard and ultimate no contact and detachment any easier
Self preservation became my new primary goal... .I stopped trying to placate and explain.
I had been the queen of JADE-ing and it has taken a lot of work, but I am doing that less often.

Right now my bf is at the lowest of lows. He is in financial trouble and has taken on Uber driving. I am happy he is working towards getting out of his mess.

My current issue, and why I am reaching out, is that I AM so much stronger now. Yet he still persists in trying to make me feel like:

A-It's all my fault

I own a house and we talked about moving in together. My son had to move back home with his dog and the dogs-my bf has one too- do not get along. Moving in has been put on hold

B-I am selfish

He repeatedly tells me I should be acting like we DO live together and thereby should be at his (rented) house when he gets home so we can be together. Keep in mind this is late at night so I would be sleeping when he gets home. I stay with him on nights I don't go to gym. and if my daughter who lives out of state visits, I stay home. This is a major problem.

I have provided meals for his 3 kids 21,17,16-when he has visitation. I have watched his dog when his own kids wouldn't. I have accepted that our life is nothing like what it was before these troubles hit. We no longer go out at all. I have offered to take him out to change the scenery but these occasions have fallen flat. He is always brooding and negative.

C-I am not respectful

this accusation comes from me taking down his dog's crate in my kitchen when my son came home. I didn't want 2 large crates and he couldn't bring his dog over due to my dog.
He feels I tossed him to the side and should have told my son that he is on his own.
Bf refused to come to my home since May, and has disparaged everything I say or do regarding my house.
Yet he wants to move in with me to cut down on his bills. He gets angry when I buck him but honestly I made the mistake too many times in the past of placating him and smoothing things over. I finally have gotten to the point where I do remind myself of my own worth. I know what he says isn't true, but it really hurts me.

So as I go on and on I guess I am looking for any support, comment, criticism so I can keep it real and keep my sanity. I do not want to go backwards. I really want to stay calm, respectful and empathetic to keep the dialogue productive. I'm just feeling a bit weak and bullied now

[allienoah]

Hey all! I haven't posted in quite a while. My time has been spent trying to rebuild some broken relationships, setting and enforcing boundaries with my bfwBPD and taking more care of myself. I have joined a gym, been on vacation with my kids (23 & 25) -that was wonderful after a long period of tumult!-and trying to act rather than react to bf. I was reading some other posts and Pianodood said something that resonated with me

Instead of being 100% reactive to her cycle, I became 50% reactive and 50% self-preserving.  It didn't make the discard and ultimate no contact and detachment any easier
Self preservation became my new primary goal... .I stopped trying to placate and explain.
I had been the queen of JADE-ing and it has taken a lot of work, but I am doing that less often.

Right now my bf is at the lowest of lows. He is in financial trouble and has taken on Uber driving. I am happy he is working towards getting out of his mess.

My current issue, and why I am reaching out, is that I AM so much stronger now. Yet he still persists in trying to make me feel like:

A-It's all my fault

I own a house and we talked about moving in together. My son had to move back home with his dog and the dogs-my bf has one too- do not get along. Moving in has been put on hold

B-I am selfish

He repeatedly tells me I should be acting like we DO live together and thereby should be at his (rented) house when he gets home so we can be together. Keep in mind this is late at night so I would be sleeping when he gets home. I stay with him on nights I don't go to gym. and if my daughter who lives out of state visits, I stay home. This is a major problem.

I have provided meals for his 3 kids 21,17,16-when he has visitation. I have watched his dog when his own kids wouldn't. I have accepted that our life is nothing like what it was before these troubles hit. We no longer go out at all. I have offered to take him out to change the scenery but these occasions have fallen flat. He is always brooding and negative.

C-I am not respectful

this accusation comes from me taking down his dog's crate in my kitchen when my son came home. I didn't want 2 large crates and he couldn't bring his dog over due to my dog.
He feels I tossed him to the side and should have told my son that he is on his own.
Bf refused to come to my home since May, and has disparaged everything I say or do regarding my house.
Yet he wants to move in with me to cut down on his bills. He gets angry when I buck him but honestly I made the mistake too many times in the past of placating him and smoothing things over. I finally have gotten to the point where I do remind myself of my own worth. I know what he says isn't true, but it really hurts me.

So as I go on and on I guess I am looking for any support, comment, criticism so I can keep it real and keep my sanity. I do not want to go backwards. I really want to stay calm, respectful and empathetic to keep the dialogue productive. I'm just feeling a bit weak and bullied now

[Hadenoughtimes4]

Aren't love and relationships supposed to make us happy, at peace, developing trust and growing and being happy with him/her? This ain't it allie, this is something akin to hell or at least purgatory. Why? You got out for a reason(s), it or those haven't changed. Why? Why tolerate being made miserable, I feel for anyone who hits hard times, been there a few times but he s/b elated you do all those things for him and care about him. It ain't YOUR fault, take care of YOU first. Please.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi allienoah,

  It has been awhile.  Good to hear from you and good for you that you feel stronger.  I think what I hear you saying is that you feel stronger, you have changed, but he hasn’t.  Is that correct?

I understand and can empathize that even though you don’t believe that you are selfish, disrespectful or totally to blame it still hurts to hear it.  My estranged uBPDh says similar things about me to me over and over.  It does hurt. 

I think posting and asking for support is a good way to keep from slipping backwards.

Take care,

Mustbeabetterway

[Mutt]

Hi allienoah,

I have provided meals for his 3 kids 21,17,16-when he has visitation. I have watched his dog when his own kids wouldn't.

Yet he wants to move in with me to cut down on his bills

My gf said something about my uBPDexw's emails when she is blaming, accusing and threatening me, she says they're distractions Mutt don't focus on those. You mentioned A, B and C and I think that they are distractions I think that what he is asking is as you mentioned he wants someone to cut costs and probably someone to help him with his kids and the dog.

I say that because a pwBPDF have dependency issues and rely on others for things that they really should be doing themselves. I think that what he' saying about you are distractions - he should be asking you instead of treating you the way that he is. Why are r/s's chaotic with a pwBPD? Because there are stages that we go through when we grow up and he doesn't have the r/s stage he doesn't have those skills.

If he's distracting you with blame really it is a distortion of reality, what he says may be true to him because he's convinced himself that it is but it doesn't mean that it is your reality or your truth. My suggestion is to push all of the noise aside and look at what he's really trying to say he probably turns to you for help, he has poor r/s skills and doesn't know how to ask, I hate to say it but if he is just turning to you for help with his kids and dog then you're an ends to a means. Have you felt like that in the past he doesn't see you for you he just wants something from you?

[SerendipityChild]

Aren't love and relationships supposed to make us happy, at peace, developing trust and growing and being happy with him/her? This ain't it allie, this is something akin to hell or at least purgatory. Why? You got out for a reason(s), it or those haven't changed. Why? Why tolerate being made miserable, I feel for anyone who hits hard times, been there a few times but he s/b elated you do all those things for him and care about him. It ain't YOUR fault, take care of YOU first. Please.

Totally agree with you. Taking care of me now and it feels great. Can't say the anxiety and depression went away but I am slowly starting to feel like myself again. I hope allienoah finds comfort from this site and wishing her the best.

[allienoah]

Mutt you touched on a very interesting point--about what he wants from me. I have always had a sneaking suspicion that he just focuses on what I can do FOR him. Any time I do for others, it is a problem with him. I've been given the "I should be your priority" speech many times.
I haven't posted in a few weeks but the situation is getting worse. I can't even have a conversation with him anymore without him being upset over something else I'm "not" doing. I have pointed out to him that I respect him for working many hours to overcome his current financial trouble. I am helping him get a car service into business. Honestly I will not do a thing to take care of his dog when he has 2 older children-who drive-that live 1/4 mile away from him as opposed to my 8 miles. He is actually afraid to ask them! No I just can't condone that.
To add to all that, my brother was asked to leave his marital home and is getting divorced and with no place to go, he ended up at my house. So of course BFwPBD went ballistic as to why he is there and not himself.
Well, I am not turning my back on my brother when he is homeless-and we know it is temporary.

What I am struggling with is the constant put downs, how I'm a "hot mess" my family is full of drama, my house is "evil" and he doesn't need me at all. He told me he has 'wasted" 5 years of his life on me, that I never keep my word(this is in reference to him moving in with me-even though I have stated I am not comfortable with his behavior). He hasn't stepped foot in my home in 6 months and refuses to do so.

[Lucky Jim]

What I am struggling with is the constant put downs, how I'm a "hot mess" my family is full of drama, my house is "evil" and he doesn't need me at all. He told me he has 'wasted" 5 years of his life on me, that I never keep my word(this is in reference to him moving in with me-even though I have stated I am not comfortable with his behavior).

Hey allienoah, I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  The same could be said for his put-downs and critical comments.  Suggest you decline to "catch" the toxic football when he tosses it your way.  You don't need to carry those "rocks" in your emotional backpack.  (I know I'm mixing metaphors here, but you catch my drift!).

LuckyJim

[allienoah]

LuckyJim you are 100% correct.
My struggle here is with MYSELF. I know damn well how to shut down ANYONE else that tramples on my boundaries and name. I have become so much better at "finding my voice" as my friends would say. It's just that when it comes to BF I become deaf to the hurtfulness while it is happening and seem to always hold back from blasting him. I really don't like to escalate the situation and I guess I shrink from it no matter the consequence to my self esteem. It's an anxiety that builds up that seems to only alleviate when he is placated. Yet we all know realistically that is just temporary. This seems to be my biggest obstacle.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, allienoah, It's not your job to placate him, in my view.  I'm not suggesting that you blast him, either, which is unlikely to help.  Rather, what I'm saying is to rise above it.  Don't listen to his taunts.  End the conversation or leave the room.  Practice self-love and acceptance, i.e., to care too much about yourself to allow yourself to be the object of anyone's scorn and abuse.  Like you, I used to do anything to keep the peace w/my BPDxW, which I now view as a flawed strategy because it took a toll on my self-esteem.  It strikes me as normal to feel anxious when he is trampling your "boundaries and name."

LuckyJim

[allienoah]

Correct... .I know logically that is not my job to placate him. it is just my survival mechanism kicking in to relieve my anxiety. My anxiety is something I need to work on so I can continue to get stronger. Honestly this is the weakest area of my life. Every conversation lately centers around how his life would be easier if I just did what he wants-that is sell my house, tell my son and brother to figure it out and get a home with him to start over. You and I both know that his life would be easier and mine would be hell. And dumping on other loved ones to prove I love him most is not a game I am going to play. So I guess the bottom line is that I have to keep up my work to ignore his taunts, end the conversations and walk away until he calms down.

[Harley Quinn]

Help me to understand here.

I'm just checking we have you on the right board.

If you are working on improving things between you, then the Bettering board is the place to work on the basic communication tools and work through situations that arise.  What's the situation as it stands?

Love and light x

[allienoah]

I feel like I am stuck in a no-man's land between trying to repair things, and just detaching. It is the cliché-my head tells me one thing yet my heart says another. I do love him, yet as I gain more and more self-awareness, the issue is why do I allow him to cause me such anxiety and grief? why do I tolerate his berating and belittling of me? Perhaps I am on this board, because I really need to figure out how I can successfully detach from him without suffering a major breakdown like I had in the past.

[Lucky Jim]

So I guess the bottom line is that I have to keep up my work to ignore his taunts, end the conversations and walk away until he calms down.

Hey Allienoah, Yup, that's your task, to keep good boundaries.  I suggest you decline to participate anytime he says/does anything to belittle you.  Use your gut feelings as your compass.  If you feel anxious, it probably means that you should be cautious and/or discontinue the conversation.

LJ

[allienoah]

So yes, for today's badgering I removed-politely-myself from the conversation. I will not tolerate being treated like the *&%$ under someone's shoe. He started the usual discard-he doesn't need me, I'm selfish, I have my head in the sand-blah, blah, blah-and I know that none of this is true. I refuse to own what he is saying. So when he said he was once again done, I simply said OK. that's it. Someone posted in another thread about how she was detaching quietly by not engaging with her pwBPD and living her own life. She is still technically with this person, but she fills up her time in other ways. That is what I have been doing. I know on a logical level this is working. On an emotional level I confess I feel guilty sometimes. I think he is right that I shouldn't have to think about seeing him, I should just DO. When you are constantly being beaten down it is very difficult to go out of your way to see them, or to get excited that you ARE going to see them. I actually dread seeing him at times as I am so over the constant harassing to sell my house.

[Lucky Jim]

So yes, for today's badgering I removed-politely-myself from the conversation. I will not tolerate being treated like the *&%$ under someone's shoe.

Good for you!  Agree, it's unacceptable to be treated like that by someone who allegedly cares about you.  Suggest you continue to hold your ground.  Glad to hear that you are refusing to own it when he attempts to disparage you.  As I said above, "poison is harmless if you don't ingest it"!

LJ

[Harley Quinn]

Perhaps I am on this board, because I really need to figure out how I can successfully detach from him without suffering a major breakdown like I had in the past.

Are you happy to share what happened?  What needs to be different for you to feel safe in detaching?

Love and light x

[allienoah]

Harley Quinn-thank you- I am fine with sharing. I am frustrated with myself as I have been part of this forum for over a year. I drop in and out depending on how I am feeling. When I came back on, I was feeling stronger and more confident. I was organically distancing myself from bf as he was working all the time and I went on with my life-to his chagrin. He is still my bf, I didn't even consider seeing anyone else. Just worked on myself and other important relationships. Everything else in my life is going very well! My problem now is that he has escalated his attacks on me. The push/pull is in full display. We will see each other for dinner, spend time together, very loving. Then all I need to do is say something that he feels threatened by-it's usually just relating a benign story about a conversation I had with one of my kids, their bf or gf, or any of my friends. He then finds reasons why I am "allowing them" to share with me, ask my advice, or any form of bonding. I realize this brings out his insecurity, but I can't tip toe around life! So you say, it should be easy for me to detach from this. I know my problem is that I have severe FOG. Am I cutting loose because it's not "fun" anymore? no trips, fun activities, date nights --all stuff we did before he fell on hard times. Am I really so insensitive to his feelings? am I disrespectful to our relationship? He makes me question myself more lately as a result of his daily barrages. I KNOW he isn't right, but it plays on my own insecurities. So to answer you, I need to find a way to value myself more and not give a damn about what he thinks so I can walk away.

[Lucky Jim]

I need to find a way to value myself more and not give a damn about what he thinks so I can walk away.

Maybe you could take a timeout or other temporary break - such as a weekend away on your own with family or friends - in order to think through what works best for you?  It's easy to lose perspective in a BPD r/s and sometimes it helps to get away and talk things over with others, such as friends, family or a T, because they are removed from the turmoil.

LJ

[allienoah]

Thank you lucky Jim that is a good suggestion. My only problem with that is I can no longer speak to anyone I know about this situation as they have ALL told me to get out several times. They're attitude now is to just let me live with my decision thus far.

Soo---last night I suffered another barrage of insults. He finally stepped into my house and noticed I had taken down 3 photos of us (and my kids and deceased parents I might add). I had replaced them with Halloween décor for the next 2 weeks. He accused me of lying about that, -even though the décor is clearly on display-and being passive aggressive. He went on a long rant about how inconsiderate I am, disrespectful and a horrible liar. How he is so sensitive about having his pictures displayed in my home.

Honestly I had enough. I admit I lost my temper- I couldn't take his viciousness. Yet I told him I was done, and left him. I am not crying, I am sick to my stomach. I have told no one. He has sent me even worse texts forcing me to block him.

this weekend I am focusing on me and my life. He is very disturbed and only getting worse as a result of his personal family issues. It is not my job to save him. I have owned everything I have done that he has construed as wrong. He does not, but I no longer expect him to as he has BPD.

[Harley Quinn]

That sounds like a lot of acceptance on your part.    Acceptance of how things are can be a big obstacle, both in the relationship and whilst detaching.  Perhaps the FOG is lifting.  How are you feeling?  Do you think it was a heat of the moment thing or are you set on this course of action?

It's great that you're planning to focus on yourself this weekend.  What do you have planned?

Love and light x

[allienoah]

I am set on this course of action. My self respect is taking a huge beating and I can no longer allow that. It is so difficult but I am trying very hard to accept, and keep accepting instead of falling back into making excuses for him. The FOG is definitely lifting. How do I feel? Sick to my stomach. My head hurts, my heart hurts. At the same time I also know this is finally the right thing to do. Trying very hard to be conscious that my feelings will pass. They won't kill me.
I honestly feel like withdrawing this weekend. Truthfully I had no plans but I might go meet an old friend after work. Of course a friend that he hates. yes hates. I just don't care anymore. It is going to be difficult to not be able to share what I am feeling with her. Yet I helped create this situation so I have to live with it.
My brother-who is temporarily living with me-(another major issue with bf) (x?) -has his 2 children this weekend so I will have distraction aplenty!

[Harley Quinn]

Fantastic!  Play! 

I can't think of a better or more fulfilling distraction.  Playing feeds the soul allienoah.  Really meet the kids on their level and get involved in their world.  They are completely present and that will do you so much good. 

As for the friend, maybe it wouldn't be as bad as you imagine to speak to her about what you have decided.  If they care about you, they will be supportive.  Having friends and loved ones around you at this time is important.  Give people a chance to surprise you.  If you are hurting, then share that.  It helps. 

I'm sorry that you must go through this.  You are experiencing the worst part right now though.  It gets easier and if you remind yourself that what you have chosen is the best thing for you and your wellbeing, then you will get through it.  Consider it short term pain to prevent further ongoing pain in the future.  You will come out the other side of this to a much better place in yourself.  Hang in there.  We are here for you 

Love and light x

[allienoah]

thank you so much for the support... .have a fantastic weekend!
I am going to give it my best!

[allienoah]

Happy  Monday everyone! I say happy because I managed to get through the weekend -sticking to my position- and enjoyed the peace and quiet. I enjoyed the company of a gf , my niece and nephew and myself! Bf(x)? reached out several times going from continuing his barrage to being a little contrite. He still says he can say he's sorry but not sure he means it. I have not engaged. I WILL say that if it is an empty apology, then I am more firm in my resolve to not see him. It clearly is a waste of time. I just need the support to stay strong and keep my distance. I won't say there is NC yet, just minimal contact. I think I am ok with that.

[Harley Quinn]

How's that strength holding up a few days on allie?  You did great taking time for you and spending time with others who care about you.  Smart move and something to keep up with. 

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Happy  Monday everyone! I say happy because I managed to get through the weekend -sticking to my position- and enjoyed the peace and quiet. I enjoyed the company of a gf , my niece and nephew and myself! Bf(x)?

I’m gkad to hear that you had a great weekend with family and friends - keep doing that   Do you have plans for this weekend? Has your pwBPD tried to contact you throughout the weekdays? How are you holding up?

[allienoah]

HQ and Mutt thank you so much for checking in and for your support.
I have had minimal contact this week. The one time I agreed to talk ended with him screaming at me, demanding 1000% of my efforts. The only thing that I am allowed to focus on besides HIM is work and my health. He is furious I am going to visit my daughter out of state. Let's face it-he's just furious. All he talks about is how he is at a very low point in his life financially and emotionally and how I should be stepping it up to fix it. I feel horrible that he is so depressed, yet I also feel he feeds it with his skewed way of thinking. So this weekend I will be seeing friends, spending time at home and working. I have things to do around my house. And when I have free time I will read, or do my crossword puzzles. It is necessary for me to be fine without him, as all I get from him these days is negativity and demands. What is so hard is that I do feel badly for him. And he makes me wonder if I am indeed being selfish. Then I remember how horribly he has been lashing out at me, blaming me for his low state.

[Lucky Jim]

What is so hard is that I do feel badly for him. And he makes me wonder if I am indeed being selfish.

Hey AN, No, taking care of oneself is not selfish.  Be careful about F-O-G.  It's one thing to be empathetic; it's another to be a caretaker.  I suggest you hold your ground and decline to take responsibility for his anger, which is his, not yours.

LJ

[allienoah]

Hey Lucky Jim!
I know logically it isn't selfish. He has such a way of twisting things as we all know they do. I am not used to "letting go" if I love someone in need. Clearly as I have my brother with me now temporarily (he's going through a divorce and had no place to go). Yet I am much much better at not owning bf's pain, anger, etc. I still feel he made some decisions that got him in this place.
So having said that, I didn't respond to his latest rant and am just focusing on life outside of this r/s.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AN, Sounds like progress to me!  Right, he's responsible for his own decisions.  I'm sure he does twist things.  You're task, I suggest, is to stay above the fray and avoid getting manipulated.  Keep your focus on the right path for you!

LJ

[Mutt]

Hi allienoah,

I know that it’s tough letting go of a loved one especially fur caretakers like us some people it doesn’t phase them I don’t understand that just like they probably don’t understand why caretakers care so much.

It takes time to get used to this really if it helps any letting go can lead the person to a path where they can help themselves. Is it an act of cruelty? What I mean is if some pwBPD choose to finally get help and commit to it it’s because they’ve hit their rock bottom.

For example he wants rescue from his current situation that he created himself if you rescue it fixes the problem is the problem going to come back again? Absolutely and he’ll want you to fix it again only he can help himself and if less people are there to fix his problems then there may be a real chance that he’ll get help. Leave him in his current situation that’s from his own doing he’s not going to learn otherwise.