Feeling sad this week

[Happiness40]

So it’s been 3 months since I had my husband arrested for coercive control. The 1st few weeks I was definitely not in a good place emotionally to the point where social services were going to place the children on the children  in need register. 2 weeks after her coming she phoned back saying all relevant checks have been done with children’s schools and colleges and they feel very confident that I am doing well mother wise all be it dealing with the break up grief.
Since this low point
I have got a non molestation order and an occupation order. Started the children in clubs.
Took the children on holiday with a friend and her children. Mostly stopped reacting to he’s crazy coming through the teenagers.
 Made it so he couldn’t pass any more messages through the children by getting my solicitor to write him an email.
Enrolled myself on an access to Uni course
Sorted out mediation
Have done  4 out of 5 children’s birthdays alone

I look at this and feel pleased with all I’ve already achieved but the impending mediation is causing me severe anxiety.
The heart break of having to share the children and the fact I won’t be there to intervene when need be for there emotional support etc.
The fact he’s constantly trying to make the children now responsible for he’s feelings above their own.
So many different worries really.

He has pretended twice already that he had got a flat I should imagine to provoke some upset in me which worked really not outwardly upset in front of the children but more when they are with him on the set days he has them and in private.
All turned out not to be true.
Today is our sons birthday and it’s mine on Thursday.
Yesterday my daughter tells me he actually does have a flat this time he put a deposit down.
It so happens to be by the seaside and I know logically it’s because it’s cheaper but a massive part of me feels he has chosen near a seaside because I absolutely love the seaside I go as often as I can not to that one but any.
I know logically it might not be why but it’s so hard when I’ve had months of him trying to get one up on me constantly.
Provoking arguments through the teenagers, the children saying silly comments that are being said to provoke a reaction any reaction and I have got soo good at just leaving it be and not allowing him to have my emotions still.

I don’t know this week has been sad for me.
Sad in the fact that I love and want to enjoy my children’s childhood and nurture them and be involved with what they are doing and I feel so down the days they are with him.
I didn’t want any of this, I wanted a complete family and I most certainly didn’t want to have to share the children.
I have my assessment to re start counselling in Tuesday which can’t come soon enough.
I also feel so lonely, I have really recognised that I am not lonely for him. I know and stick by the fact this was an extremely mentally and emotionally abusive relationship that I could no longer participate in.
I don’t even know if I’m even heartbroken over him because that would mean I’d have to know who he is.
I feel heartbroken over the family unit and I feel sad that I said my vowels and meant to stick by them to such an utterly selfish  individual who has absolutely no moral compass and gets he’s kicks out of making me upset.
I feel so angry that I’m upset over this again

I have forced myself on my dog walks with the kids and the puppy  had her 1st swim in a lake and I have felt enjoyment in these things so I don’t feel I’m depressed.
I hate the feeling sad part of the grieving process

[Cromwell]

Hi Happiness40

I hear you that you found momentary happiness with the kids and puppy swim, sounds like a fun time.

if youd like to try the depression test to rule it out here is the link;
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772

wishing you well for the therapist appointment on Tuesday, sounds like something you are looking forward to getting support with.

[Scarredheart]

So it’s been 3 months since I had my husband arrested for coercive control. The 1st few weeks I was definitely not in a good place emotionally to the point where social services were going to place the children on the children  in need register. 2 weeks after her coming she phoned back saying all relevant checks have been done with children’s schools and colleges and they feel very confident that I am doing well mother wise all be it dealing with the break up grief.
Since this low point
I have got a non molestation order and an occupation order. Started the children in clubs.
Took the children on holiday with a friend and her children. Mostly stopped reacting to he’s crazy coming through the teenagers.
 Made it so he couldn’t pass any more messages through the children by getting my solicitor to write him an email.
Enrolled myself on an access to Uni course
Sorted out mediation
Have done  4 out of 5 children’s birthdays alone

I look at this and feel pleased with all I’ve already achieved but the impending mediation is causing me severe anxiety.
The heart break of having to share the children and the fact I won’t be there to intervene when need be for there emotional support etc.
The fact he’s constantly trying to make the children now responsible for he’s feelings above their own.
So many different worries really.

He has pretended twice already that he had got a flat I should imagine to provoke some upset in me which worked really not outwardly upset in front of the children but more when they are with him on the set days he has them and in private.
All turned out not to be true.
Today is our sons birthday and it’s mine on Thursday.
Yesterday my daughter tells me he actually does have a flat this time he put a deposit down.
It so happens to be by the seaside and I know logically it’s because it’s cheaper but a massive part of me feels he has chosen near a seaside because I absolutely love the seaside I go as often as I can not to that one but any.
I know logically it might not be why but it’s so hard when I’ve had months of him trying to get one up on me constantly.
Provoking arguments through the teenagers, the children saying silly comments that are being said to provoke a reaction any reaction and I have got soo good at just leaving it be and not allowing him to have my emotions still.

I don’t know this week has been sad for me.
Sad in the fact that I love and want to enjoy my children’s childhood and nurture them and be involved with what they are doing and I feel so down the days they are with him.
I didn’t want any of this, I wanted a complete family and I most certainly didn’t want to have to share the children.
I have my assessment to re start counselling in Tuesday which can’t come soon enough.
I also feel so lonely, I have really recognised that I am not lonely for him. I know and stick by the fact this was an extremely mentally and emotionally abusive relationship that I could no longer participate in.
I don’t even know if I’m even heartbroken over him because that would mean I’d have to know who he is.
I feel heartbroken over the family unit and I feel sad that I said my vowels and meant to stick by them to such an utterly selfish  individual who has absolutely no moral compass and gets he’s kicks out of making me upset.
I feel so angry that I’m upset over this again

I have forced myself on my dog walks with the kids and the puppy  had her 1st swim in a lake and I have felt enjoyment in these things so I don’t feel I’m depressed.
I hate the feeling sad part of the grieving process

First things first, happy upcoming birthday. May it be the first of many happy ones to come.


You're in the thick of it, that's for sure. I can identify with a lot of what you've written. Our kids have suffered through this too and I see the broken trust and disappointment in their eyes when they speak of their mother. Our two boys have said that they want nothing to do with her, and if they ever have kids of their own, they'll never let her near them. That broke my heart as I never wanted our family to be so scarred. Losing our family and watching it being destroyed by the person who's supposed to be closest to us is (in my opinion) the single most painful thing anyone can endure.

It's so hard going through the grief, the turbulent emotions, the constant swirling thoughts. This whole situation has been the hardest thing I've ever had to live through, and I imagine you've felt the same by what you've written here.

I'm glad to see you're taking steps to move on. Counselling will help, so will the activities with your kids and the puppy.

I wish you a speedy recovery and that you find peace during this difficult time.

[Happiness40]

Hi Happiness40

I hear you that you found momentary happiness with the kids and puppy swim, sounds like a fun time.

if youd like to try the depression test to rule it out here is the link;
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772

wishing you well for the therapist appointment on Tuesday, sounds like something you are looking forward to getting support with.

Thank you that’s very helpful I scored on the moderate level.
I know I have been really busy with meeting up with people the last few weeks so I’ve been quite busy with the children being on 6 weeks holidays.
I have found I am more organised and keeping up with housework compared to the 1st few weeks.
My close friends are telling me they can see I’ve turned a corner.
Maybe it’s normal to still get sad as long as I don’t sit with it to long.
  I could be putting to much pressure on myself to be over this already

[Happiness40]

First things first, happy upcoming birthday. May it be the first of many happy ones to come.


You're in the thick of it, that's for sure. I can identify with a lot of what you've written. Our kids have suffered through this too and I see the broken trust and disappointment in their eyes when they speak of their mother. Our two boys have said that they want nothing to do with her, and if they ever have kids of their own, they'll never let her near them. That broke my heart as I never wanted our family to be so scarred. Losing our family and watching it being destroyed by the person who's supposed to be closest to us is (in my opinion) the single most painful thing anyone can endure.

It's so hard going through the grief, the turbulent emotions, the constant swirling thoughts. This whole situation has been the hardest thing I've ever had to live through, and I imagine you've felt the same by what you've written here.

I'm glad to see you're taking steps to move on. Counselling will help, so will the activities with your kids and the puppy.

I wish you a speedy recovery and that you find peace during this difficult time.

[Happiness40]

Thank you so much  for the birthday wishes I sure hope so too!

My eldest ones don’t seem to see anything wrong with he’s behaviours. They are going a long the lines of he’s the victim in he’s life. I try not to talk to much about him now really because it just raises bad feelings from both sides. They are under the impression that I should fix all this like I normally would and they are frustrated that this time I am choosing not put him before myself and more importantly them. I guess they are so conditioned in us all having  to make him feel better.

He hasn’t told the children about the flat while out with them today. Maybe he’s saving that one for my birthday, lucky me 

[Happiness40]

I wrote out more than that but it didn’t copy and paste properly I am struggling with how to post things on this site but I’ll get there.

How are you feeling this week, I read some of your posts and it seem like you have really made your peace with the relationship ending and you seem very clear and confident with your choice this week

[Scarredheart]

I wrote out more than that but it didn’t copy and paste properly I am struggling with how to post things on this site but I’ll get there.

How are you feeling this week, I read some of your posts and it seem like you have really made your peace with the relationship ending and you seem very clear and confident with your choice this week

Lol no problem. I’ve been typing my responses in a word document for the most part just because it’s so easy to mess up these posts!

I’ve had my ups and downs. For the most part I think I’m doing well, but there are moments when I’m just broken over what’s been lost. It’s usually when I spend too much time trying to understand the entire situation. I should know better, but it still happens. I tend to be very analytical so it’s a major brain malfunction for me when I run into something that I just cannot understand at all. I had made it the mission of my life to understand, support and predict my wife’s behaviour, and now it seems that so much of what I “knew” was a lie, and there’s no explanation as even she doesn’t fully understand it.

I keep reminding myself that I can only be responsible for me and not analyze too much, but that doesn’t always work.

I’ve been having conversations with people living on my street and that’s helped a little. (which is SO not normal for me to do. I’m not a huge people person, I tend to like to stick close to home and to some of my friends, but since my “home” isn’t really feeling like home right now, and my friends have been working two jobs to make ends meet, I’m low on options when it comes to social interactions.) All that text to say it’s been kinda lonely lately. My boys tend to sleep during the day and disappear a lot in the evening to spend time with their friends, so the house feels mostly empty these days.

[Cromwell]

That's ok happiness40 You will get the hang of it.

Id encourage a think about maybe letting your therapist know about the depression result. If i could go back in time id be on antidepresents 4 weeks before going no contact.

It will be happy days ahead, these are temporary sufferings, your doing all the right things, therapist will keep you on track and lots of support here we have your back. Other than that, find som moments each day to connect to joy wherever you find it, very empowering and wires a connection that there is the power to change a low mood. The gym and soccer worked for me. Apparently its impossible to be depressed whilst jumping on trampoline. Probably why kids love them so much and these indoor centres become so popular.

Catch you later! Chin up. Take care

Cromwell.

[Scarredheart]

My eldest ones don’t seem to see anything wrong with he’s behaviours. They are going a long the lines of he’s the victim in he’s life. I try not to talk to much about him now really because it just raises bad feelings from both sides. They are under the impression that I should fix all this like I normally would and they are frustrated that this time I am choosing not put him before myself and more importantly them. I guess they are so conditioned in us all having  to make him feel better.

I completely sympathize with this. Our kids have been split. The boys are completely against what she's done, decided to stay with me and want nothing to do with her. As if that wasn't heartbreaking enough, our girl decided to go with her and my wife included her in the fact that she was cheating on me. Our girl has very limited contact with me and only reaches out when she needs something she can't get from her mom. I would have given anything to keep them out of this.

He hasn’t told the children about the flat while out with them today. Maybe he’s saving that one for my birthday, lucky me 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. That's all you can do. I hope you're wrong on this one.

[Happiness40]

So the birthday was had and all went pretty stress free and it was dare I say it peaceful.
My ex decided this was the week to stop giving me child maintenance of course. The pretend flat didn’t get the desired reaction I guess so he thought he’d hit me where it hurts.
I anticipated this so I saved up. First when he stopped it I said he needs to repay missed days and he tried to argue if he pays in the same week he don’t me anything which isn’t right I’m sure. I sent him an email back saying “ you know I really don’t have the time to be playing these money games with you. I will expect to be paid this Friday if not I’ll be forwarding all your details to child maintenance and this stops these disagreements and your power over money towards the upbringing of our children”
I guess this absolutely enraged him because I still haven’t had a payment and I can hear him being passive aggressive on the phone to the kids. Oh haven’t you all been busy this week blah blah blah.

 Also he might be a bit annoyed that I booked things for the kids that he’s been promising for weeks but not followed  through with. He also must have unblocked me on Instagram because he came up on my story feed earlier and then I had to work out how to block someone who had already blocked which was a nightmare. He seems to have got more tattoos in reflection to he’s hatred of me. Which is concerning me and I worry about what the children must be thinking having to see all these weird tattoos that are full of so much hatred.

My birthday we went to the park and hired a rowing boat, this was hilarious because the kids starting fighting over the oars and we nearly capsized and the pup kept trying to jump over board

[Happiness40]

That's ok happiness40 You will get the hang of it.

Id encourage a think about maybe letting your therapist know about the depression result. If i could go back in time id be on antidepresents 4 weeks before going no contact.

It will be happy days ahead, these are temporary sufferings, your doing all the right things, therapist will keep you on track and lots of support here we have your back. Other than that, find som moments each day to connect to joy wherever you find it, very empowering and wires a connection that there is the power to change a low mood. The gym and soccer worked for me. Apparently its impossible to be depressed whilst jumping on trampoline. Probably why kids love them so much and these indoor centres become so popular.

Catch you later! Chin up. Take care

Cromwell.


I was actually thinking about getting a mini trampoline apparently it’s the only thing that tones you up everywhere and it’s easier on your legs than running etc

Thanks I appreciate your advice and food for thought

[Happiness40]

I completely sympathize with this. Our kids have been split. The boys are completely against what she's done, decided to stay with me and want nothing to do with her. As if that wasn't heartbreaking enough, our girl decided to go with her and my wife included her in the fact that she was cheating on me. Our girl has very limited contact with me and only reaches out when she needs something she can't get from her mom. I would have given anything to keep them out of this.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. That's all you can do. I hope you're wrong on this one.

How olds your daughter? It’s very hard in the kids isn’t it, I mean if we are so confused god only knows how confusing all this is for kids.

Sounds like your getting into the swing of single life really well considering how traumatic it all still is.
How are you finding the weekend’s? they seem to be pretty hard for me. I am trying to keep busy but I also need to be at peace with not being busy if that makes sense.