Letting go of my uBPDgf...

[Looking4insight]

Friday will make 4 weeks break up via silent treatment by my s/o.

And 2 weeks no contact from me ( background : 7 month relationship, traveled to different countries + states etc)

I would like to share the progress I made. Although fairly early I am a very rationale person ( this helps emenously with seeing things clearly and moving on) 

And I think some of my thoughts and onservations can help those still struggling with detaching from their pwBPD.

First I would like to say - There are signs !

My first post here I was frantic about my ex gf leaving me suddenly, without explanation and via the silent treatment in our awesome relationship. One trend I have seen by reading our posts is everyone for the most part says they had this great relationship (or starts off by saying this) but throughout the story they say these terrible things their SO has done.

My r/s was no where as great as I had romanticized it to be. What helped me realize this was 1. NC 2. Writing a list of pros and cons of the r/s.  ( I'd recommend both!)

Second - asking how much does Bpd matter?

I think one thing that was making it hard for me to cope was not only being discarded and neglected like trash but also empathizing greatly with the idea my ex was a pwBPD or some type of disorder or didn't know right from wrong or how bad they were hurting me.

The question is ... .So? The bottom line here is that this person has hurt us greatly and irrationally. They are either unbothered by our hurt or enjoying it. All of this while they are finding or with their replacement. As mind blowing as it is, THEY ARE NOT HAVING THIS MUTUAL PAIN YOU FEEL. If they have any pain it is not important enough at this time to react on it.

I had an epiphany... .This was my first time in about 8 years that I was being the one dumped. And though I had went about it completely differently and they were rationale breakups (fights, disagreements, unhappiness that led to a talk and mutual understanding of what went wrong and both sides eventually calling it quits)

It dawned on me the same feelings I feel now we're the ones my ex's used to tell me they were experiencing and I had NO IDEA what they were talking about. I rationalized the pain I was causing them by thinking ... They will get over it. YOU ARE SOMEBODIES they will get over it !

Grief / grieving comes from a lost of something. Your ex is not having these feelings because they have/had already emotionally detached from you ( over time and in periods ).they have left you with this sudden impact to crash and burn completely disregarding all the emotions of ( what you thought ) was a serious relationship.

3rd- this quote

"we must be wiling to let go of the life we planned and accept the life that is waiting for us"

A lot of our pain is coming from the life we planned with our exBPD and not wanting it to be over. The fact is a great deal of your relationship was a lie. If not a blatant lie then an omission of feelings and details. I cannot distinguish which part was a lie and which parts she didn't tell me but however you look at it was a fairy tale we wanted to be true. I turned a blind eye to obvious red flags because the person wasn't saying anything was wrong and acting completely normal. Even told me a week before she went silent in defense to talking to her ex " he knows I'm in a happy relationship" ... I didn't even question how the convo got that far to saying that ? I just accepted what I heard because it was easy to.

In conclusion

I think it's important to remember that our problem is how our ex pwBPD ended our relationship. They left without a rationale why, abruptly and emotionlessly. Leaving us confused and blindsided. However they are entitled to the act itself.

Anyone can leave anyone at anytime. It is the lack of acknowledgement and respect that transforms our grief into a completely separate process. When a relationship with a pwBPD ends it is dark and cloudy and we forget this. We take the burden of the how , why , and when creating all kinds of what ifs and questions about our self worth.

Where as in a healthy break up we can find some peace in the key epiphany/idea that eventually breaks us free of our grief ... .We are two people who don't fit together ( at least for right now). We do not get a pathway to this healthy thought with our pwBPD because of the way they chose to leave.

As hard as it is to see right now that thought is no different in our case. The way they have delivered it to us it can be misconstrued as I am not good enough for this person instead of we are not compatible. But the key as when thinking about many disorders is to not hold pw them to normal standards. They could well think their delivery is a normal break up and in that case we are burdening ourselves GREATLY trying to piece together a puzzle that doesn't exist.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cloudten]

This is very insightful. Thank you for your thoughts!

[SandWitch]

Thank you, Looking4insight!

Yesterday I had a moment of concern, wondering how he was doing.  Leashing the co-dependent and telling her to sit, stay.  We are not a couple.  I do not think that friendship would be a good idea for me either.  At least not right now.  It would confused the healing and self-realization process I need to journey through. 

He has already detached and is out meeting his needs again.  YAY!  Another sign that this is not the person for me.  Our chemistry creates destructive imbalance.

[butterfly15]

I do not think that friendship would be a good idea for me either.  At least not right now.  It would confused the healing and self-realization process I need to journey through. 

He has already detached and is out meeting his needs again.  YAY!  Another sign that this is not the person for me.  Our chemistry creates destructive imbalance.

I find myself thinking about him. Not necessarily worrying about him. More like how is it he can be "happy" even in those brief moments while I continue to struggle with his rash exit out of my life. Each day I feel as though I am moving on. I would like to remain friends, but then I ask myself why? He was never a friend just selfish. It was always about his needs and worries.  I agree he is not the one for me. He has been looking online for probably our entire 2 year relationship. However, he has been online a lot since exiting my life. Looking for his "perfect" other half that I now realize doesn't exist.

[steve195915]

Very good insight by Looking4insight. I hope that a BPD relationship doesn't always have to end end that way. 

I broke up with my BPDgf back in March (didn't know she had BPD then).  She created a fight over nothing to break up what I thought was a relationship where there was a lot of love, and then within a week was in another relationship leaving me devasted, and with so many unresolved feelings and questions.  She seemed to have no pain or remorse over ending a deep loving relationship of 14 months abruptly.  Her new relationship ended within 2 1/2 months, she even saw me a few times during that time, and we got back together.  Now I've learned that she has BPD and I tolerate alot of her abusive words or actions because I rationalize its her mental illness and she's not responsible.  Our relationship has gotten much better as I learned techniques to diffuse situations.  I do have concerns she could again end our relationship and immediately start with a replacement so as I try to be realistically confident and positive, I also want to prepare myself in case this happens.  I keep telling myself another breakup will be it for me and to move on.  I'm cautiously hopeful I can have one of the few success BPD relationship success stories but if not I'll keep your insight available. 

[Looking4insight]

  SIX MONTHS LATER

Hello all,

I was here about 6 months ago.

My ex broke up with me via silent treatment after an argument. Long story short she returned and we were ok for about 5 months, we even went on a trip abroad. A few weeks after the trip I decided to break up with her.

She was ignoring my text 6-8 hours at a time. In my breakup text I explained to her I had emotional needs and it's not fair that I'm getting ignored.

She responded pretty much by breaking up with me in return ... .She said she agreed and she's jumped from relationship to relationship and thinks she wants to be alone to mature and grow.

After that we contacted each other every two weeks . Little random text and she even came to my nieces bday dinner... .Strange I know. Two weeks after that was my bday and she texted me 12:50am saying happy bday. The next day I texted and her asked if she'd like to go on a weekend getaway. She didn't respond of course

I texted her the next day asking if she got my question ... She responded by saying " I really don't want you to be offended but I think I need some time to think about it" that was TWO weeks ago and she hasn't said a word.

I guess I feel like I'm losing my mind ... .Is this whole situation not strange? I never had someone respond to a break up text with a separate break up text . When someone says I need time to think I figure maybe three days. Is two weeks not excessive? Y not she just not have said yes or no. Do you guys think she'll ever respond ... .I truly believes she thinks silence is no

Thank you guys for any feedback , I just don't have anyone to talk to. I'm starting to feel like this relationship is destroying me

[Mutt]

Looking4insight,

I would feel confused too with the detached behavior and rejection. I' glad that you chose to come back to our boards after an absence. To answer your questions, a pwBPD have low self worth, low self esteem, fear rejection and anticipate real ir perceived rejection.  To you and I it doesn't make sense when we break up with a partner only to have that partner turn it around break up with us, you rejected her and she's trying to reject you first, kind of like a mental filter. BPD or not, some people that are not used to being rejected ND they have a really difficult time with it, it hurts their ego. That said, I would suggest to depersonalize the behavior, its not personal to us. It's something she's goi going through.

Her indifference or aloofness is splitting, you rejected her and the texts are likely her putting her feelers out to see if there's an emotional attachment, she says that she wants some time to herself. I would advise to give her space and let her come around on her own and contact you. Read as much as you can about BPD, it helps to.understand BPD psychopathology, you'll see Benefits right away and get good at it over time. Welcome back to the family!

[Skip]

I never had someone respond to a break up text with a separate break up text . When someone says I need time to think I figure maybe three days. Is two weeks not excessive?

I hate to say the obvious, but you are sending a lot of mixed signals to her, to us, to yourself. You also seem to be teaching, rather than soliciting advice - maybe you should let down and talk it through.

You obviously want to have a relationship and you are using break-ups to get her attention or resolve your frustration about her not being attentive enough. These "tools" don't work in relationships - yes your might get some short term benefit - but they are relationship killers.

1. What do you want. Let's start there.

Skip

PS: If you go back into the relationship, please post on the improving board to learn the basic relationship tools.  

[GoingBack2OC]

Great post, especially your comment at the end about how pwBPD might think the way they discarded us is normal.

My ex broke up with me a lot. And I broke up with her too a few times. I would however, always tell her, talk to her, and even still after answer calls.

When she breaks up:   Nothing.   You don't even know. Calls go unreturned.

She told me flat out one time:  I don't do goodbyes.

What you said, it reminded me of just that. She doesn't do goodbyes.