Wanting my children to have as stable a life as possible…

[thankful person]

My bpd wife is most of the time a wonderful mother and wants to be there for all of the children’s special moments. She likes to have control and I don’t mind this to an extent. She doesn’t hide the fact that she sees herself as the most important parent as she birthed the babies and breasts feeds them and sleeps with them. She is also the “stay at home parent”. For some time she has said things like, “I will start potty training child in the new year” etc, rather than discussing it with me. I have worked with children for over 20 years but she would rarely ask my opinion or advice about anything and would rather ask the nursery staff, but again, I really don’t mind.
So child has recently started to sit on the potty for a few mins after her lunch time nap. Today my wife was putting baby to sleep in the front room when I got in from work so texted me, “don’t come in here, but after you’ve had lunch can you get up older child and do potty time with her.” I texted back and said, “I’m excited to do potty time with her” This has only been going on for about a week but it was my first time.
And then I deleted the text and didn’t send it. And hoped against hope that the poor child would not use the potty today. Which she didn’t.
But it got me thinking. I have come such a long way since learning about my caretaker role and making changes. If this had gone down a few months ago then had the child used the potty for the first time with me, I would probably have given her a big smile, kiss and cuddle and whispered “well done” quietly cleaned the potty and said nothing to my wife. I know how sadly confusing this may be but as the child doesn’t talk yet then I would have got away with it.
Well if it happened today then I would have made a big fuss of the child and proudly shared the news with my wife. Which I know would be very upsetting for her and she may respond in anger. But I know it’s for the best.
And then afterwards I reflected on what my wife would probably say, as she likes to say, “you COULD HAVE”… I predict she would say, “you COULD HAVE not told me about her using the potty and then called me upstairs while she was still on the potty, and let ME discover it so I wouldn’t have to know she did it with you!” Which I find totally bizarre but she does say things like this.
Anyway, it wasn’t to be that it happened today. But I’d appreciate people’s thoughts. I know many bpd parents get tired of their kids and appreciate someone taking them off their hands. My wife is the opposite of this and always wants to be there with them. She has told me and her mother not to tell her if the children say or do something new. I have been guilty of complying with this in the past. Like when first child’s first tooth came through I felt it when she was sucking my finger. And I didn’t tell my wife. I let her “discover” it a couple of hours later and then tell me. It’s been the same with some first words and achievements. I want to stop this kind of thing because I know my wife needs to learn to deal with these facts of life and I don’t want the children to feel they have to keep secrets from her. She also wants to have many more children and fails to see that they more kids she has, the less possible it will be to be with all of them all the time. For example the other night both children were ill and we were all up in the night so she decided to put the older one in her own room to sleep. So I took the little one downstairs. After some time she starts whining for mother and breast. And then my wife comes down screeching that she “has to do EVERYTHING!” And I’m like, “why don’t you take baby and I’ll settle big child in her bed?” The answer, “NOO! I’ve never complained about the amount you’ve put her to bed at nap time” (because she usually is breast feeding the baby!) I never put her to bed at all until after the baby arrived.
Any parenting with bpd advice welcome, thank you.. Has anyone else navigated this situation with such a possessive partner wanting full control over everything the children do? Anything I can do to help the children through this as they grow older?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Really not a good idea to have imaginary conversations.

There is plenty of actual stuff to deal with.

Here is the thing...it would be normal for one parent to share joy over an accomplishment with another.  If the other has a weird reaction...that's on them. 

Keep your focus on your joy and don't give the weird reaction another moment of energy.

You are doing well with changes you are making...keep the press on and be kind to yourself.

Best,

FF

[15years]

I'm maybe more of a beginner than you, but try not to take it personally. I actually had a new thought while writing an answer to a post just now:

If you find yourself in a double bind situation, you feel that there are only bad alternatives to deal with a situation, if alternative 1 is to comply to her wishes (which is impossible in the long run) - and the other alternative is you doing something you think is right and the bad outcome is that she will be hurt and/or get mad at you. Then that's not really a bad alternative in this sort of relationship is it?

It gets a little trickier if the bad outcome is something like you having to choose between complying or not getting any sleep, but that also may not be such a big deal does it, because in the end you might have succeeded in setting a boundary that you do not allow your sleep to be affected.

A step further, if you don't comply you cannot spend time with your baby without her guarding you. Then I'm not sure what I would do

Do you see where I'm heading, would be nice to here your thoughts on this. I myself am finding myself in these situations often, ranging from mild to severe consequences if I don't comply. I really am a extreme beginner and can't say I actually have set one boundary yet. But my curiosity is increasing! Almost like I want her to put me in a tricky situation. (not all true though  )

In your situation, she's hurt and mad if you confess that the baby took a new step with you and not her. That's not too bad, it is very much expected and you have started to realize that you're not a bad person if you're happy to experience something like this with your child.

[EZEarache]

I know many bpd parents get tired of their kids and appreciate someone taking them off their hands. My wife is the opposite of this and always wants to be there with them. She has told me and her mother not to tell her if the children say or do something new. I have been guilty of complying with this in the past. Like when first child’s first tooth came through I felt it when she was sucking my finger. And I didn’t tell my wife. I let her “discover” it a couple of hours later and then tell me. It’s been the same with some first words and achievements. I want to stop this kind of thing because I know my wife needs to learn to deal with these facts of life and I don’t want the children to feel they have to keep secrets from her.

I have noticed similar behavior patterns. It's really important for my exwBPD to have full control over the baby. It was the reason I had to move out of the situation. For my BPD, I think it comes down to that, at this stage, the baby won't abandon her and she's afraid to give up any of that security and control by letting me be a good Dad.

And then my wife comes down screeching that she “has to do EVERYTHING!” And I’m like, “why don’t you take baby and I’ll settle big child in her bed?” The answer, “NOO! I’ve never complained about the amount you’ve put her to bed at nap time” (because she usually is breast feeding the baby!) I never put her to bed at all until after the baby arrived.
Any parenting with bpd advice welcome, thank you.. Has anyone else navigated this situation with such a possessive partner wanting full control over everything the children do? Anything I can do to help the children through this as they grow older?

I'm still navigating this, even as I write this. I don't have any advice. I really wish I did. I can tell you that you are not alone. I can tell you that moving out does not make this issue go away, completely. I'm personally debating getting the courts involved now to try and come to terms with it.

[thankful person]

Hi all and thanks for the thoughts and support…
So, I think what I’m getting is that (I know I’ve said this before..) we should learn to behave more like a “normal” person… and then deal with the partner’s reaction. This is two-fold, firstly handling them and the conflict as well as you can. Secondly, dealing with the upset you feel within yourself, for yourself. FF, you are one of the experts, do you think I’m getting it? So I think I should send texts saying, “I’m excited to do potty time” etc. What about the fact that she’s asked for me not to share new achievements etc. Should I just excitedly share such things and then she’ll learn to deal with it? I could tell the baby was physically able to sit unaided but wasn’t going to be the first to see it. Next thing I know I’m at work and there’s a pic on Facebook of her just sitting there. My wife says, “it’s not special for you, you’ve seen and done it all so many times..” (at work). Not true. There is nothing more special than seeing our precious baby sitting there smiling and so proud of herself. We nearly lost her at two days old and I am so proud of her.
Ez earache, l hope you get to work things out where you get to enjoy your child on your own sometimes. I do want this relationship to work out but I’m looking forward to hopefully finding a point when I can do this myself.
15 years, the boundary thing is very exciting when you realise that… actually… you can do whatever you want with your life! Yeah it’s not that easy. But still I’m celebrating small achievements such as taking more pictures of the children and sharing them with mum. Having showers whenever I want. Wearing what I want. Wife is handling these and other changes because she has to.
But as you can imagine, there is a dark side. She has (maybe?) just cancelled our family holiday to spite me. Today’s drama: Today wife decided to give child a long toilet time reading books about the toilet etc. like half an hour. No problem, aslong as the child isn’t getting upset. Certainly not what I’d recommend as a professional. But I think she thinks the longer she sits there the more likely she uses the toilet and then wife “wins” to be the first… Ironically I think child is more likely to comply with me putting on less pressure. Lol. I’ll deal with it if it happens.
I was downstairs with baby. It got to the point where I was pacing the floor with her trying to keep her happy so wife didn’t feel rushed. Wife comes in, politely asks me to get out (she can’t get comfortable on sofa with me in the room). I waited with baby in kitchen till she was ready. After giving her baby I sat down next to her. Sometimes she feels crowded but the dog and toddler were taking the other two spaces. She politely asks me to move seats. I told her that I was going to do some washing up because I didn’t like being spoken to in that way. So I’m out there washing up and she’s shouting at me how I always want to get away from her and don’t start and deal with things and she asked nicely. And I said I’m upset at always being told to get out too. We have a few days away booked to go see the new house we’re hoping to buy. We can get a full refund but I’ve already cancelled work over it. She threatens that if I don’t come in talk to her she’ll cancel the trip. I said, I don’t want you to do that but I’m going to continue washing up like I said. We’ll talk afterwards. When I re-entered the room she showed me the cancellation message she had written but not sent. She has since told me she sent it. But I really don’t know. I’m not paying it much attention. I thought of saying, oh I’m hoping you can uncancel it etc, I’d love to go. Seriously, whatever. I do want to go but like all trips I know it will be immensely stressful. And although I’ve lost income we would save money if we don’t go on the trip. And I would go visit my parents for a day with the few days off.
So it makes it very hard when you set these boundaries.
FF, you said not to have imaginary conversations with my wife. But I spend much time thinking “what would FF/ducks/not Wendy/cat say?” I only get to ask you afterwards unfortunately!

[ThanksForPlaying]

We have a two month-old baby. Today mom was saying "mama" to him repeatedly. Not a big deal. Then she tells me "it's a HUGE deal whether they say mama or dada first". I tell her it's really not that big a deal. But she insists that "it's all over facebook - everyone posts videos of first words and moms get so mad when they say 'dada' first."  First of all, these are staged videos with set-up outcomes. The videos don't even pop up on my feed - she gets them because she devours them voraciously.

Social media is ruining society because of the pressures to fit in - and I feel like it's even more damaging to pwBPD.

But also she is setting herself up for this major disappointment by fixating on it months in advance. She's telegraphing a ragestorm - I can feel it.

But in this case, it's truly not a big deal to me and I'm working to ignore the hype/escalation by pwBPD. I'll handle it calmly without any fear of rage. There will probably BE some rage, but I won't react to it or fear it. Hang in there.

[thankful person]

Thanks playing,
Yes I’m aware my wife is comparing our children to those on Facebook/instagram/tictoc etc. My wife also speaks of ridiculous conversations on the mum groups. I also really don’t mind when they achieve or say whatever and I think it’s very sad to compare them to others. Wife’s sister started “toilet training” at age under 1 which I think is ridiculous. Like even if they did get it, I think it’s tremendously sad to not just let them be a baby. “I’ll handle it calmly without any fear of rage.” I love this and thank you. My wife has always been jealous of everyone before we had kids too actually. She’d say things like, “the neighbours are going for a romantic break away”… looking so dejected like she had the most terrible life… it was just the way she said it like she’s so hard done by.
In “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist” it speaks of how self compassion is more important than self esteem, more helpful in childhood and adulthood actually. I’m learning to be kinder to myself so that I can teach this to my children. It’s certainly something I never learnt before.

[formflier]

Then she tells me "it's a HUGE deal whether they say mama or dada first". I tell her it's really not that big a deal. 

Something to be aware of...

PwBPD tend to be attracted to yes/no arguments.  I'm right and you are wrong.

They seem particularly lacking with an ability to do "nuance".

So...when they say things like this...instead of saying "no" to their "yes"...perhaps consider "I hear you (insert name)!"  (kinda a cheery thing).

If they press for "don't you agree"...then counter with "Oh my...I haven't given it much thought...(pause..pivot)...this seems important to you, what's up?"

or perhaps just

"this seems important to you"

Another way of explaining it...they have opened the door to a conversation (yes a ridiculous one...but they don't see it that way...they just don't) so instead of slamming the door on that (a no to their yes)..."deflect and leave the door open for more conversation"

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

BP- I think your wife trying to be like the Instagram mom is a part of her identity, and pwBPD have a poor sense of self- which may be underlying the control she has. After all, if you do something for the babies, or witness a milestone for the first time, then she may feel her identity is shattered, which isn't true.

All milestones are exciting, but this "be the first to see it" between two parents is her own feeling and if you think about it, it's kind of ridiculous. They have two parents- it's not a contest. Except to her.


IMHO, maybe just don't play it. If the child potties for you the first time, you can keep it to yourself. She'll see it at some point. She's making a big deal out of it but you don't have to. In the grand scheme of things, there's much more to parenting than that and there are many firsts you may witness- first time riding a bike, first day of kindergarten, first time driving a car, first school dance. The first time is only the start of many times, and it's being there day in day out that forms the relationship. If your wife wants to do the "her first" then let that be. You don't have to.

[Diddle]

Broken person

Now is exactly the time to be living and acting as you mean to go on.
My hwBPD and I have 3 teenage children, and I cannot tell you how much I wish I had taken control of things when they were much younger.

I have lived with his BPD all of our relationship of over 20 yrs. I pacified him at every issue, choosing to keep the peace, over my own feelings, wants and needs.

I believed for many years that "keeping the peace" was good for them, and that protecting them from escalating, random arguments was a good thing. I'll never know if that was the right decision, as living in a household where we were both standing up for ourselves could have been worse.

Since my husbands diagnosis a year and a half ago, he is on antidepressants and has received a few weeks therapy.
Our children have become teenage and less child like and a million times more opinionated.
They have no respect for their Dad, and are not afraid to tell him that because they are angry.

 Which makes me very sad. They have watched me pacify his needs, stick up for him, instead of them when they were younger, just to keep the peace. They can clearly see all his unreasonable behaviour over the years, and that has taken away their security with him. BUT he was never their main caregiver, he was there but never present.

In my experience the person with BPD needs the attention to be on them, both yours and my children are growing up with that person making them feel like their feelings aren't as important.  I remember clearly a moment, when my husband came with me to a karate grading for our children. It was a long one, a few hours. He sat and flicked through his phone, took some photos of them to post online, which I see as him wanting the attention to come to him, barely watched what they were actually doing.
At the end I was taking my time packing up and encouraging them to soak up the excitement of being there with everyone else who had passed, and praising them like crazy. Husband was rushing them out the door, complaining that we were taking ages and a football match was about to start to start on the TV, that he might miss, and shouted at us all telling us that it was a very important game! To not cause an argument I of course said nothing.

I should have said something, calmly and honestly, and so should you. I have started speaking up for them and us when I know I'm right, and I know my husband is wrong. He isn't always wrong, and If I agree with him I back him up.

YOU should be enjoying your Childrens potty training, and they should see you doing it! Now straight away. Then if your wife kicks off, you must stand up for yourself. Both in front of the children and behind closed doors.
I had that advice from someone else on here months and months ago, and I never thought I could do it, but do you know what, it feels so amazing.

What they see now really does make them the people they will become, and if they see a relationship that involves one person controlling the other like yours and mine, they will accept it as ok for them and I would never want my 3 to be living a marriage like I am.

Gather as much information, and strength as you can just try it, I am finding that more and more of the old me is coming back x

[thankful person]

FF, love the quotes, I wish you did YouTube tutorials, I can almost hear you saying this stuff!
Not Wendy, yes you’re right, I truly hope when the kids grow up they’ll come to appreciate my hopeful attempt at emotional stability for them. I’m trying so hard to learn from all you guys tell me on here. It struck me the other day that my wife is actually proud of her mental health and bpd  “recovery” as she stopped self harming and beat her eating disorder which she of very proud of. I actually know for a fact that she will be telling the children about her bpd diagnosis when they are older and I think this is good because it gives them the opportunity to learn more about it if they wish to.
Diddle, thank you so much for sharing your story. I do intend to get things right while the children are little. I am so so glad to have found the forum because I don’t think I could do it without you guys. One wake up call was when I was reading a story to our daughter aged 18 months and my wife commanded and then screeched at me to STOP READING AND PUT HER DOWN, because she was jealous that our baby was asking me for stories. And I stopped reading and put her down and I’ll never forget the confused look on her little face. And I realised it had to stop. Then I decided to challenge her the next time this happened and she physically grabbed the child from me and threw me out of the door. After this I discussed with her that I would want to involve someone else to help us manage this situation, were it to happen again. It hasn’t happened again. Not quite like that. But I am trying so so hard to get things right from now on. Every day I challenge myself to try and do the right thing. Even little things are giving me confidence like wearing what I want. I lit a candle when I was teaching online and I knew she wouldn’t like it (don’t even ask how I knew this). And the first time she blew it out as I’d said it makes me feel calm and the children were whining so she said, it’s not calm. But I persisted and lit more candles and she hasn’t done it again. These little things are making me feel stronger to deal with the big things.

[FirstSteps]

Hi.  Going back to the original post - I just wanted to echo the point about the teen years.  This is such a hard question. Having small children actually helped our relationship tremendously.  She was able to bask in their love and more or less reflect it back.  Once our oldest hit adolescence, the wheels just came off.  She started treating our daughter like the rest of the world, and it was devastating.  I'm sure this isn't a guarantee but it's tough to have teens in the house who do nothing but trigger the BPD responses and are crushed when it happens.

[FirstSteps]

Hi.  I've had all sorts of tech problems so lost a couple versions of what I wanted to write.  But I'll just add that your candle story is amazing.  I wish I'd done the same when my kids were young.  Think I did right by them to a large degree by managing when they were super small - though I cannot say the same for the teen years.  But if your wife is even aware of BPD, you are way ahead of us.

[Dancingbear]

Hi.  Going back to the original post - I just wanted to echo the point about the teen years.  This is such a hard question. Having small children actually helped our relationship tremendously.  She was able to bask in their love and more or less reflect it back.  Once our oldest hit adolescence, the wheels just came off.  She started treating our daughter like the rest of the world, and it was devastating.  I'm sure this isn't a guarantee but it's tough to have teens in the house who do nothing but trigger the BPD responses and are crushed when it happens.

Sadly this is where we are right now. Teen daughter and upwbpd are in a constant clash and I have to try and intervene. We are in relationship counselling so this is the next topic for me to bring up. Definitely need a neutral party involved as he will spin everything I say and come up with a bunch of irrational explanations as to why it's acceptable behaviour- ugh

[thankful person]

First steps, thank you. My wife is aware of bpd but thinks she no longer has it so she takes no responsibility for any problems between us. I’m so sorry your daughter is suffering so much now, and dancing bear too. I have no idea what will happen with the teen years. My wife is a “mental health recovery warrior” in her own words, has done YouTube videos etc on this. Her mental health problems started in her early teens, just as mine did. We actually met online through our mutual quest to help others who were struggling, in particular teenagers.

[formflier]

Hey BP...a few questions.

Remind me again, do your wife or did your wife ever have an official BPD diagnosis? 

To your knowledge, have any counselors/doctors..medical/mental health types ever told her she has "recovered"...or "grown past it"..etc etc.

When she claims to be a "mental health recovery warrior"...how does that conversation go?

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

FF,
I actually believe my wife’s problems started very young as she was sexually abused by her uncle which she remembers from age six. Some most disturbing aspects of this are that, as it sometimes happened under her parents’ roof, she believes they both knew about it. I know for a fact there is some truth but also some untruth surrounding her stories. I know it to be true because I have seen her have horrific nightmares about it, even when I only knew her online through video call, but also when we first met. But she also had lied about various things like having his baby. She has admitted this to be untrue.
When we first met she was in a very dark place, self harming, bulimic, and just got kicked out of college following a suicide attempt. That is when she was diagnosed bpd, and did part of the dbt course but didn’t complete it. I don’t know the truth of the multiple suicide attempts, but one thing for sure is she had very bad cuts on her arms. And she still has the scars.
Her story of bpd recovery is she was suicidal, self harming and bulimic… that she went to dbt group and one-to-one therapy, and learned mindfulness, which helped her to stop self harming and her eating disorder. She also would say that she got better for me. I made a deal with her, ridiculous as it sounds, that I would leave my ex for her and she would get better.
And she is much better. She has not self harmed or purged for years. But she does not realise that screeching at all of us and her jealousy and controlling attitudes over me are all huge symptoms of active bpd. And it took me a few years to realise this too.

[formflier]

So, think of some gentle ways to present the following thing.

She went to therapy and got better.

She wants to get better for you.

Wouldn't it stand to reason that more therapy = even better still?

I mean...why stop at better when best is still out there.

The key is to present this in a "non-dichotomous" way.  Don't get into Yes you need to..no I don't.

Focus  more on the "continuous improvement" for you...and for the kids.

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

FF,
I am treading carefully whilst pushing the boundaries in all directions recently, and it’s going really well. I will be mindful of the goal to have this conversation, but I want to pick the right time. We ended up going on our trip even though she cancelled it to prove a point to me that I couldn’t control her… she then managed to re-book it at the last minute! We have had an amazing holiday and she loves the new house (the one I visited on my own recently). So all is going amazingly atm. 
My wife has mentioned that she wants to go to therapy to help her process our second daughter’s traumatic birth and subsequent medical issues. She blames herself even though it wasn’t her fault. I don’t know if it’s worth trying to steer this conversation towards anything else like help with her emotions/anger/jealousy/bpd (without mentioning bpd directly)… or might she decide once she’s in therapy that she might like to also discuss other issues like her jealousy over my relationship with our children?

[formflier]

Probably best to be ready for the conversation when she brings it up...or opens the door, vice looking to start one from scratch.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think your approach with the trip was great!

A while back, I had planned a get together for my BPD mother with several of her family members. This included ordering and paying for the food and other plans. She got angry at me and a few hours before the event told me she wasn't coming.

Naturally, I was upset but I should not have reacted- still, I did and said that I thought everyone would be disappointed if she didn't come. She then became verbally abusive to me for suggesting that.

However, this time I was able to pull myself together and calmly say "Ok well I am going to come by to pick up another family member (who was at her house and we planned to drive together). If you feel up to coming, you can get in the car." I meant it too-  I would not have gotten out to try to reason with her. I pulled up, she got in the car and came with us.

You didn't react to your wife cancelling the trip, so she made plans on her own for it. It was her choice either way.

[thankful person]

Thanks not Wendy,
It was a huge step for me. She said she didn’t want me sitting next to her on the sofa. I said I’d go and do some washing up. She said, “if you do I’m cancelling the trip…” and then kept shouting it as I did the washing up. I knew you guys would tell me not to give in.
That evening I wasn’t sure if she’d actually cancelled the trip. But turned out she had. The next day I said, “I can’t believe you did something so ridiculous..” and she said, “it’s your fault”. I said, “I’m going to have a shower..” and she’s like, “always trying to get away from me blah blah”. I said, “I would like to have a shower, so I’m going to have a shower..” and here’s the thing.. she said, “I know you will. You always do what you want..” Which is pretty funny. Because a few months ago you will remember I never did anything I wanted to do. I’m proud that she now sees me as someone who always does what they want, even though I’m not really that person just yet.
The trip has been a real test, especially as my wife has been very unwell with a cold and cough (definitely not covid). We drove 5.5 hours and stayed here four nights. First holiday with the kids. She’s been pretty stroppy with me all day today but I think it’s because it’s the end of our trip and she’s sad that she’s not been well. I’ve managed to stop it escalating. At one time I went to get nappy out of the boot and apparently I was supposed to know to get a nappy from the bag in back seat as the boot would disturb the other child who was sleeping. And she said, “I wish you’d just ask if you don’t understand something..” And I laughed it off how she talks to me like a new employee at times.
I can’t thank you all enough for all the advice and support. I know I’ve had to work hard at this but I couldn’t have done it on my own.

[Cat Familiar]

 You’ve made a lot of progress, BP

[zondolit]

Because a few months ago you will remember I never did anything I wanted to do. I’m proud that she now sees me as someone who always does what they want, even though I’m not really that person just yet.

 

[fisher101]

Broken person

Now is exactly the time to be living and acting as you mean to go on.
My hwBPD and I have 3 teenage children, and I cannot tell you how much I wish I had taken control of things when they were much younger.

I have lived with his BPD all of our relationship of over 20 yrs. I pacified him at every issue, choosing to keep the peace, over my own feelings, wants and needs.

I believed for many years that "keeping the peace" was good for them, and that protecting them from escalating, random arguments was a good thing. I'll never know if that was the right decision, as living in a household where we were both standing up for ourselves could have been worse.

Since my husbands diagnosis a year and a half ago, he is on antidepressants and has received a few weeks therapy.
Our children have become teenage and less child like and a million times more opinionated.
They have no respect for their Dad, and are not afraid to tell him that because they are angry.

 Which makes me very sad. They have watched me pacify his needs, stick up for him, instead of them when they were younger, just to keep the peace. They can clearly see all his unreasonable behaviour over the years, and that has taken away their security with him. BUT he was never their main caregiver, he was there but never present.

In my experience the person with BPD needs the attention to be on them, both yours and my children are growing up with that person making them feel like their feelings aren't as important.  I remember clearly a moment, when my husband came with me to a karate grading for our children. It was a long one, a few hours. He sat and flicked through his phone, took some photos of them to post online, which I see as him wanting the attention to come to him, barely watched what they were actually doing.
At the end I was taking my time packing up and encouraging them to soak up the excitement of being there with everyone else who had passed, and praising them like crazy. Husband was rushing them out the door, complaining that we were taking ages and a football match was about to start to start on the TV, that he might miss, and shouted at us all telling us that it was a very important game! To not cause an argument I of course said nothing.

I should have said something, calmly and honestly, and so should you. I have started speaking up for them and us when I know I'm right, and I know my husband is wrong. He isn't always wrong, and If I agree with him I back him up.

YOU should be enjoying your Childrens potty training, and they should see you doing it! Now straight away. Then if your wife kicks off, you must stand up for yourself. Both in front of the children and behind closed doors.
I had that advice from someone else on here months and months ago, and I never thought I could do it, but do you know what, it feels so amazing.

What they see now really does make them the people they will become, and if they see a relationship that involves one person controlling the other like yours and mine, they will accept it as ok for them and I would never want my 3 to be living a marriage like I am.

Gather as much information, and strength as you can just try it, I am finding that more and more of the old me is coming back x

Gonna be honest, stuff like this is why I think children are just a no-go for my wife and I.