thefixermom
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 168
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« on: July 28, 2015, 09:52:05 AM » |
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DD38 moved across the country earlier this month. I did my best to get her to make another plan. She has an 18 month old baby cousin in the family here and another one on the way. She loves children and I hoped for her to stay and become bonded with these new ones to help her stay connected to the family at large and be nearby if she herself needed help in life. But the grass is always greener to her. She refused to meet the young cousin till the day she moved and by then only had 15 minutes of visiting time before she caught her plane. I could see the regret in her eyes and heart after her time with the child because she obviously fell in deeply love with the little girl, as have the rest of us.
Anyway, she didn't pack her things till a few hours before her flight. Our house was left in chaos... .her room, our living room, bathroom and areas outside were littered with belongings, boxes, trash as she sorted for what she needed to take with herself. She continued packing her suitcase in the car as I drove her to the airport. Thankfully, we did have a wonderful goodbye, which had been my goal. :)H and I spent three days putting our home back together and what a delight it's been. I miss my DD very much but love having our home restored and peace back within our walls. It is a wonderful feeling to be free to be who we are without the ever present criticisms, judgments, clutter, lights on all hours of the night.
So, naturally DD left behind a lot of things she needs and has asked me to put them in a box and mail them to her. While doing so I notice there is a legal notice with the local court that if she does not pay $75 or serve community service by next week then she will be fined an additional $300. I photograph the notice with my phone and email it to her with the words "urgent!" Over a day later she calls me late at night and says, "I need you to go to court for me next week and plead to the judge that I was injured while I lived there and have since moved out of state and ask if I can perform the community service in my new state instead. And you'll need to show up at 8am." DD had hurt her back at a previous job, it is true, but she was able to still do myriad tasks. It was just another matter of her procrastinating in my view. Anyway, there was no, "How's your schedule mom? I know this is asking a lot but I'd really appreciate if you could do this for me." She just started out in a stern voice telling me what I needed to do for her. The theme with her always is, "any normal mother would do this for their child."
And typically it's what I, the fixer mom, always do... .rise to the occasion to show her that not only am I a normal mom, but I'm a FIXER mom! But this time I simply said, "Why not just pay the $75 and be done with it?" On the inside I'm thinking about how she has no regard for me spending half a day or more at court for her, a place I do not want to be, and pleading her case to a judge. No way. Pay the money! Her tone became very rigid and she said, "Because this is all about saving the $75! If I wanted to pay it I would have already done so!" At that point I tried to ask her about the box I was packing for her to ship out the next day. I wanted to be sure that I had everything she wanted in it. So I said, "I have something to ask you while you're on the phone... ." and she cut me off and said, "No! You've answered my reason for calling and I'm not giving you any more time. We are done." Well, okay then, I thought. She's not going to let me talk... .and in the process she is cutting off her nose to spite her own face because my question was for her benefit. If she ends up not having everything in her shipment, so be it. I said, "Okay, goodbye," and we hung up the phone. I'm sure she felt a moment of satisfaction "making me pay" by ending the conversation on her terms because she loves for me to pursue her so she can reject me. We spent years playing that game. Me desperate to know if she was okay while she was no contact with me. I'm not calling her at all these days unless it's about some important mail she receives (usually a bill) and then I just send her a text about it. I think this little call last night gave her what she was looking for, a chance to cut me off... .once I told her I wasn't going to invest my time on her emergency court issue, which she has neglected for many weeks.
DH was nearby when the phone conversation happened and it was on speaker. He was so proud of me for not taking on her duty. I felt good, too! It's a small thing perhaps, but it will hopefully keep her from contacting us for other emergencies, to know I'm no longer at beck and call for her responsibilities. I am no longer denying her the benefit of facing these consequences on her own. My life has been being filled with the loving interactions and mutual appreciation of others since she's left. A young man we took off the street last year and helped get a new great start in life now has a mother/son relationship with me and it's amazing to hear his happy voice when he calls. And I'm spending more time with my friends.
This is what it feels like to truly let go (with love) after decades of worry, expense, emotional upheavals, and cleaning up massive messes. I hope and pray with all my might that she grows into a satisfying life during this time but it is her life to live and experience how she chooses. My role as the guilt ridden overly-empathetic fixer mom has transformed into the detached, sympathetic but non fixing loving mother.
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