working through my feelings

[thepixies21]

It's been a rocky road the last few weeks, just trying to come to terms with what my relationship is and what I can expect from it. I've been trying to sit with my own feelings, and trying to understand why I got here. I think I have spent a lot of my younger years trying to convince myself that I didn't want a "normal" life, one where I have a home, a stable career, stable relationships, etc. I think I picked the people I I did because they felt familiar, and even though they weren't stable or ideal they were predictable at least. Now as I get older, and I’ve been forced in many ways to confront these beliefs and see myself as a person who has the capacity to live a normal life – one with a home, a neighborhood, a job, a dog, and family that I love and care about. I have the ability to make friends. I have the ability to look at my own past wounds, accept them (sometimes) as they are, and understand that they have helped shape me but they don’t define me now and the future I choose. I can let go of some of these strategies I used to keep myself in this mindset, either by escaping into fantasy, drinking, playing games, throwing myself way too hard into my work, etc. I’ve been working on facing the pain, and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable and try to accept it, which has already allowed me to let go of a LOT of anxiety that I was carrying. Today I have never felt so calm and also so completely exhausted. But it’s freeing. I don’t want romantic relationships to be something that defines me. If I find one that’s healthy, that’s great, but in the mean time it’s important for me to accept this life that I have and make it one that I can live in without that part of me. Because it’s not promised to anyone, and even those that get it, don’t really have it forever. Life is hard, and I need to find a way to be happy, even with the world being on fire. Even with my marriage being a tornado. I'm trying to accept that my husband has borderline personality disorder, and it's part of him, and I either accept that or I don't, but it doesn't change reality. Not accepting it just makes me unhappy, miserable, and makes me react in ways that aren't helpful, even if it sometimes feels justified. He is a good person underneath all of this, and I hope that person is able to find a way to get a handle on things. If he doesn't, it doesn't change the path I'm on. My life is going to be as okay as I can make it, and that has to be enough. I want that to be true, and I hope I can keep this mindset.

[scraps66]

Didn't "want" a normal life, anything in your makeup that might have gotten you thinking that you don't deserve a normal life?  I've ben wrestling with this now 10+ years post divorce, asking myself if I deserved all of this that has happened, almost gaslighting myself to believe that I don't deserve the good things, wholesome relationships with children, anxiety free life, etc.  Being involved with and preyed upon by a NPDBPD make these things difficult to work through since the questioning yourself all the time is a constant battle installed in your psyche by the BPD in your life.     

[thepixies21]

Didn't "want" a normal life, anything in your makeup that might have gotten you thinking that you don't deserve a normal life?     

I do believe from childhood I was praised for taking care of others and scolded for trying to set boundaries or question things. In addition to that I have had struggles with low self esteem and bullying when I was younger in school, so I think the message I received loud and clear was people only value me for what I can do for them. So that set the stage for many bad choices with friendships and relationships. But I think becoming my own person, being more independent and feeling competent in my career helped to change that mindset, in addition to about 4 years of therapy with my super rad therapist. I have cut ties with all of my toxic friendships from my younger years, and I’ve set boundaries with family that have used guilt and manipulation in the past to get me to do what they want. Moving to another state helped too. But that by no means meant that I have this figured out. I fall back into old habits when I’m stressed but I’m trying to get better at catching it. I think I wanted to be blind to my husbands diagnosis for a while, it’s hard because he was integral in those years to helping me stand up for myself, but what I didn’t see was that changed over time into him wanting more and more of my time and devotion until I didn’t feel like I knew myself anymore. These last few months have been the hell, but I’m just starting to get my feet under me since he got his diagnosis. I’m realizing when I don’t put myself first and my recovery from old relationship patterns ahead of other things I slip back to intense worry and engaging in escapism to not think about it. When I do worse he does worse and the cycle continues. He seems to do best when I’m honest, up front, and set really firm boundaries. It wasn’t that way at first but it’s starting to feel more routine. I don’t know if his behavior is going to last, or if I’m just waiting for the boat to get rocked and for everything to start again. All I know is I know my behavior can last if I keep my focus on what’s really important. But it is easier said than done.

I’m so sorry you’ve had similar struggles, but just know the feelings that you don’t deserve a “normal” life (whatever that means anyway) it’s not true, we all deserve to feel like a whole person who can take up space, and feel welcome there.

[cranmango]

Hi pixies—this is so powerful. You are facing down some old pain, some hard truths, some engrained habits. And in doing so, you are finding your path forward.

Much if what you write resonates with me. Being abused as a kid taught me to accept abuse in my relationships as an adult. Only recently have I realized that I deserve better. Playing a caretaker role as a kid taught me that my only source of value was what I could do for others. Only recently have I considered my own needs.

Keep growing. I sincerely hope your partner recognizes your growth, appreciates it, and that it inspires him to grow with you. On the other hand, your growth might feel threatening to him, because it upends the old (unhealthy) dynamic that he’s used to.